Determination (28 page)

“He asked if he could tag along as Mike and I were heading out the door. I didn’t think you’d mind,” Alex said as he stepped past me into the house with a kiss on the cheek. I moved back out of the way and let Em come in as well. I couldn’t believe how light my heart felt just to have them there. The overcast day suddenly seemed a little brighter.

“I’m so glad you guys are here,” I admitted and hugged Alex again. He ran a hand slowly up and down my back, allowing me to absorb his affection like a dry sponge thrust into a bucket of water, warming me.

“Okay, you promised me pizza and a movie, so let’s get the ball rolling,” Alex told me with a laugh, and I led them into the family room where my dad had put out the old queen-size inflatable mattress for Alex and me. The sight of the mattress on the floor made my heart Determination

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ache, because it was the one Brian had always slept on at our house in a different lifetime. It was where Brian and I had made love for the first time. With the addition of Em, it would be a tight fit, but not impossible. One of us could always sleep on the couch.

“Em, hon, what do you want on your pizza?” I asked as Alex tossed his bag onto the floor near the couch and Em threw his into an armchair. Alex toed out of his shoes and sat cross-legged on the couch near the arm. Em flipped off his sandals and sat almost on top of him, resting his head on Alex’s shoulder. For the first time, I noticed the sadness in Em’s eyes. Alex reached over absently and rubbed Em’s hair.

“Anything is good,” Em said quietly. The last time I’d seen Em, he’d been a ball of energy, happy and enthusiastic as a puppy. It hurt me to see him like that, almost as if he were depressed.

“Alex?” I asked, my eyes never leaving Em’s closed expression.

“Canadian bacon and pineapple?” Alex asked as he looked up at me hopefully. My expression must have registered more than just surprise because he looked a little sheepish.

“Anything but that,” Em said and sat up. Alex and I laughed. “I hate that crap Mike gets. I can’t believe you eat that.”

“Okay, okay, how about just sausage, then? I don’t think my stomach is up for pepperoni today,” Alex amended as he pulled a couple of DVDs out of the bag at his feet.

“I know you always love a good sausage.” I repeated his statement from our last pizza-and-movie night back to him. God, that seemed like another lifetime. Em snorted, and it made me happy to see a slight smile on his face.

“Amen to that,” Alex replied and stacked half a dozen DVDs on the table in front of him. To my surprise, none of them were romances.

Two were pretty graphic, disgusting horror movies I didn’t think Alex would ever watch on a bet. Three were slapstick comedies, and the last one looked like some kind of thought-provoking drama. I looked at the stack and then at him, but he just shrugged.

“My tastes have evolved,” he said with an almost secretive little smile that made me wonder if he was thinking about Mike. I’d be 180

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willing to bet anything that the DVDs in his stack all belonged to Mike.

“I don’t need the romances anymore when I have the real thing in my bed every night.”

“Aww…,” Em said before making a slight gagging noise. Alex slapped him on the arm, but I just laughed. Alex’s behavior bordered on sickeningly sweet, but honestly, I was thrilled he’d found someone to make him happy. My reaction to it came more from my own jealousy than anything, and I wondered if Em felt the same way.

“Shut up,” Alex said with a laugh and swung one of the throw pillows at him. Em ducked away gracefully and then stretched out on the couch with his feet in Alex’s lap. Laughing, I grabbed the phone and went into the kitchen to order dinner. They were talking quietly in the living room, but I could still hear them as I hung up the phone.

“I don’t know, Em,” Alex said in a half whisper that sounded almost conspiratorial. “He’s depressed, yeah, but I don’t think he’s going to do that.” I stopped short in the doorway to listen.

“He’s a zombie. What would you call it? He doesn’t talk to anyone, he doesn’t do anything—he’s just there,” Em snapped back, and I held my breath. They couldn’t be talking about me.

“He’s got so much going on right now, and he’s just… he’s so messed up. I’m scared for him.” Alex’s voice sounded heartbroken, and I took a step forward with the intention of telling him he didn’t have to be scared for me, I wouldn’t do that, but it sounded hollow. I had tried once, and I was sure he was scared I’d try again and finish the job because Brian had left me.

“It’s his own damn fault,” Em spat, and I felt the sting of his disapproval. Of course, I knew he was right. The drugs, the seizures, even the separation from Brian were my fault. I’d brought it all on myself, but none of it was really Brian’s fault.

“That’s not fair,” Alex protested before I could even get the words out. “You know it’s more complicated than that.”

“Whatever…. It’s just like that weekend me and Mike took him to San Francisco.”

“It’s starting to affect his shooting schedule. Have you noticed he’s not on set as much anymore?” With that last bit from Alex, I knew Determination

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they weren’t talking about me, but probably one of the other junkie models they worked with. The guy sounded just as screwed-up as I was. Thank God Brian never got into drugs. Feeling like an idiot for listening at keyholes and assuming I was the only one in the world with problems, I went back into the living room. They both looked up as I came in.

“Okay, it should be here in about half an hour,” I said, trying to steer the conversation away from the awkwardness of the earlier discussion they obviously wanted to hide from me. Then Alex started talking about the movies he’d brought, and I knew the moment was over.

A little while later, after handing Alex his third slice of pizza, I took another for myself and walked over to join Em at the sliding glass door leading to the patio. With his shoulders hunched, it looked like the weight of the world sat across them as he stared into the inky blackness beyond the glass. His tired and drawn expression reflected back at me as I stood just behind his shoulder. Our faces appeared side by side, and I noticed such similarity in our pain. Without a word, I wrapped one arm around him, just under his arms, so my palm rested on his chest.

He covered my hand with his and held it there while he continued to stare unseeing into the darkness.

“You want to talk about it?” I whispered into his hair as I kissed the top of his head. Over the last few months since we’d met, Em had become a good and caring friend. I didn’t want to see him hurting.

“I’m just lonely,” he said softly. I got the impression he didn’t want Alex to hear, that his confession was just for me. My arm tightened around him, and I pulled him harder against my chest.

“I know that feeling,” I admitted. Brian hadn’t spoken to me for weeks, and that hurt so much I could barely stand it. He had said he would be my best friend while I went through rehab. So far, he’d just been absent.

“Brian is an idiot,” Em spat angrily. With a gentle push, he moved my hand, opened the sliding glass door, and walked out into the yard. I thought about following, but he closed the door behind him, a clear message that he wanted to be alone.

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“I brought him with me tonight because I thought it would cheer him up, but maybe not,” Alex said with a sigh from the couch behind me. I watched Em until he sat down with his back against the garage and stared blindly toward the stars. Leaving him to his thoughts, I crawled up on the couch next to Alex, who immediately opened his arms. Being held by Alex wasn’t the same as being held by Brian, but it comforted me anyway.

“Is he like this all the time?” I asked, wondering what it must be like for Em to spend all day around Mike and Alex, knowing Mike didn’t want him anymore. I guess maybe, in a way, I was lucky. I didn’t have to spend all day around Brian, knowing he didn’t want me.

“No, sometimes he’s better, sometimes worse. I think he tries to hate me for taking Mike away, but he sees how happy Mike is now and can’t bring himself to try and break us up.”

“Just now he said that Brian was an idiot,” I told him as he tightened his arms around me.

“He’s not wrong, but he thinks that Brian is giving up a chance at real love. Em spent his life in foster care too, just like Brian. Deep down, I think Em honestly believes that no one
can
love him, that he’s unlovable,” Alex explained. My heart ached for Em. God, I knew how that felt too—when my parents abandoned me, and Brian was gone.

Steven had said he loved me, but he didn’t—he’d just wanted to own me. I’d felt like I’d never find anyone who could love me again. The day my mother had told me not to come home was the worst day of my life. I’d never been so devastated.

I looked toward the sliding glass door and couldn’t stand that Em sat alone in the dark just beyond it. I pulled myself out of Alex’s embrace and went to the door and opened it without hesitation. After padding barefoot across the patio, I walked onto the lawn. The grass, cool and soft under my feet, still smelled of its fresh cutting the day before. Em looked up as I approached. He didn’t speak, but in the soft moonlight, I could see his heartbreak clearly in his upturned eyes. I held out my hand, and for a moment, he merely looked at it without moving. Then slowly, he took it, and I pulled him to his feet. Without a word, I hugged him, hoping he felt what I couldn’t say—that he was loved and needed.

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By the time we went back in the house, Alex had cleaned up the pizza and put a movie in the DVD player. I clung to Em’s hand as we piled onto the inflatable mattress in front of the television and propped ourselves up with cushions from the dismantled couch. Alex came and sat on my other side as we watched the video. Hearing Em finally laugh made me glad Alex had chosen a comedy, even though I thought it was pretty stupid.

Halfway through the movie, for the first time in weeks, I found myself getting sleepy before dawn. Normally, I just lay in bed and tried not to think about the police or how badly I wanted to get high. Even though my body didn’t need the drugs anymore, my brain wanted them.

Surrounded by my friends, the want was still there, but it had tapered off a little. I had something else to distract me from the desperate, lonely feeling I wanted to escape.

I woke when Alex shut off the television and lay back down on the mattress behind me. Em slept in front of me, cocooned in my arms.

I buried my face in his neck, loving the smell of sleep and spice on his skin though my mind still lay half in the shadows of exhaustion. Alex spooned behind me, wrapping an arm lightly around my waist, and I closed my eyes again. Only one other person had ever made me feel as safe, protected, and cared for as I did right then, so relaxed and close to sleep, but I doubted he would make me feel that way again.

When I opened my eyes again, I was the only one who hadn’t changed positions in the night. I could feel Alex’s ass against mine as he faced away, and when I looked up, Em’s eyes were on mine, and I smiled at him. He grinned back, and the change in his expression from the pain he wore last night was like night and day. My heart felt lighter with his change of mood, and I reached out to smooth down a wayward piece of his hair. His lips were on mine before I could blink, and it surprised me so much I couldn’t react for a long moment. Butterflies erupted in my stomach as his mouth teased kiss after kiss from me. My morning wood pressed into his hip, and I felt him, just as hard, against mine. Every fiber in my being wanted to roll him onto his back and feel his legs wrap around my waist. When he tried to slide his hand into my pajama bottoms, I broke the kiss with effort and pushed him back gently.

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“Em, honey, I’m so screwed up right now,” I whispered against his lips when he pulled away. His heavy breaths blew over my face even as our foreheads touched. My head spun from the unexpected kissing, and I closed my eyes against the ache in my pounding heart. I couldn’t even check behind me to see if we’d woken Alex. He wouldn’t tell Brian he saw me and Em kissing even if he were awake, but the guilt gnawed at me.

“I can wait,” he whispered back, and I couldn’t open my eyes to look at him.

“I love Brian, Em. I may not ever be ready,” I said and felt a tear threaten to fall from one of my closed eyes, but I held my emotions in check. The idea that Brian would never come around, that he’d never be a part of my life again, hurt, more than I could stand.

“I have faith in you,” Em said, and suddenly his fingers stroked my cheek. Rather than pulling away like I should have, I leaned into his touch. The last four weeks without Brian had been so awful. I was scared all the time, and Em’s compassion felt like a life preserver that could save me from downing in my own misery.

I pressed my forehead to his and tried to stop my heart from breaking.

“THIS is our fourth week of sessions, and I’d like to start talking about some of the things you think will adversely affect your progress once your six-week program is over. After that, you’ll attend meetings here at the clinic and still meet with me periodically, but you need to find ways of coping with your addiction during times of stress,” Dr. Fisher explained as we sat in our Thursday session. My mind had been wandering to Mike’s visit the next day, and I nearly missed what the therapist had asked for.

“I don’t know. I still want the drugs. I think about it every day, but it’s not like during withdrawal with… like before rehab. I don’t want to go out and buy them,” I finished quietly.

“Not like during withdrawal with what, Jamie? Could you finish your thought, please?” She inquired politely. I stared blankly at the Determination

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desktop and let out a breath. The small clock on the shelf behind me ticked loudly as I stalled, and Dr. Fisher watched me with an expectant gaze. If I mentioned his name, she would make me talk about him.

But then, she’d helped with everything else I’d talked to her about.

“Not like during withdrawal with Brian,” I mumbled. She didn’t have to look through the file to see who Brian was, so I figured she had read up on the subject before the session started. Maybe talking about Brian had been a goal. My depression about the end of our relationship could certainly qualify as something that would derail my progress. No doubt she wanted to talk about finding ways to “cope with the loss.” I didn’t know if she’d ever been in love, but I had no idea how to tell her there would be no way to cope. I’d simply have to survive it.