Despicable Me (3 page)

“There are a lot of new
villains out there.”

—Mr. Perkins

“Hello, Mom. To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Gru is in his car when he receives a call from his mother, the meanest woman on the planet. She is in the middle of a karate class.

“I just wanted to congratulate you on stealing the pyramid,” his mother says. “That was you, wasn’t it? Or was it a villain who’s actually successful?”

Gru clenches his teeth. “Why is it that nothing I ever do is good enough for you?”

Gru’s mother stops mid-kick and stares at the phone through her cat’s-eye-shaped glasses. “That is so not true.”

“It is true!” insists Gru. He can remember when he was a child. He drew a picture of his mother and proudly showed it to her. She just shrugged and went back to reading her book.

So he made a statue of her out of pasta. Noodles were piled high to represent her tower of hair. He painted a massive portrait of her as the
Mona Lisa. Each time, she wasn’t impressed in the least.

A determined look crosses Gru’s face. “Just so you know, Mom,” he begins. “I am about to do something very, very big—very important. When you hear about it, you will be very proud.”

In her karate class, his mother simply shrugs. “Okay, I’m out of here.”

Gru sighs. It seems that no matter what he does, he can’t please his mother. But that doesn’t keep him from trying. It’s time to put his next big plan in motion. A wicked grin crosses Gru’s face as he drives down the street toward the bank. Right in front is a small parking space between two cars.
SMASH!
He knocks one out of the way.
CRASH!
He demolishes the other one.

Holding his briefcase, Gru casually gets out of his car and walks inside the bank. He strides past the receptionist and into the restroom.
After using his Freeze Ray on the only other guy in there, Gru stands in front of a urinal. Lasers shoot out of it, scanning Gru’s eyes. A secret door opens, and Gru enters the Bank of Evil—the secret underground bank that finances all of the world’s villains.

Gru walks down a hallway featuring a series of statues of a man being progressively crushed by a pillar. He has always liked that work of art.

Soon he arrives at the Loans Desk. “Gru to see Mr. Perkins,” he says to the receptionist.

“Yes, please have a seat,” replies the receptionist.

Gru takes a seat on a red leather sofa. He unrolls a piece of paper with his master plan to steal the moon. As he studies it, something distracting catches his eye. He looks up to see a nerdy villain sitting across from him. The villain wears glasses and a costume that looks like
an orange tracksuit, but with a really big collar. His potbelly is not part of the costume.

“Hey,” says the other villain.

Gru doesn’t say a word and goes back to studying his plan. The villain comes and sits down next to Gru.

“I’m applying for a new villain loan,” he says to Gru. “I go by the name of Vector.”

Irritated, Gru slides to the other end of the couch. Vector follows.

“It’s a mathematical term,” Vector says of his name. “A quantity represented by an arrow with both direction and magnitude.”

Gru attempts to ignore him. Vector doesn’t seem to notice.

“Vector. That’s me. ’Cause I’m committing crimes with both direction and magnitude. Oh, yeah!”

Gru continues to pay no attention to him, so
Vector holds up a futuristic-looking gun with a dangerous piranha sloshing around inside the barrel. The sharp-toothed fish gasps for air.

“Check out my new weapon: Piranha Gun!” brags Vector. “Oh, yes! It fires live piranhas at you. Ever seen one before? No, you haven’t—I invented it.” Vector’s eyes light up as he gets an idea. “You want a demonstration?”

Before Vector can even aim the weapon, the piranha falls out of the barrel and onto the floor, flopping around. Vector tries to catch the slimy creature. “Oh… ah…! So difficult sometimes to get the piranha back in my—”

Gru wishes he could be anywhere else at the moment. He finds it painful watching this pathetic wannabe villain and his ridiculous Piranha Gun. Luckily, at that moment the receptionist speaks up.

“Mr. Gru? Mr. Perkins will see you now.”

Thrilled to escape from the ramblings of Vector, Gru springs off the couch. He follows the receptionist into the office of the loan manager, Mr. Perkins. The large man has hair shaped like horns, and he sits behind an enormous desk.

Excitedly, Gru makes his presentation to Mr. Perkins. He sets up charts, showing how he plans to use a Shrink Ray to shrink the moon and steal it. One diagram even shows the rocket he’ll use.

“So all I need is some funding from the bank, and then the moon is ours,” Gru finishes, and sits down. He holds his breath, hoping to get enough money at least to build the rocket.

“Wow. Well, very nice presentation,” Mr. Perkins says. “I’d like to see this Shrink Ray.”

Gru squirms in his seat. “Absolutely. Will do,” he tells Mr. Perkins. Then quietly, he adds, “As soon as I have it.”

Mr. Perkins frowns. “You don’t have it?” he asks. “And yet you have the audacity to ask the bank for money?”

“Apparently,” Gru agrees, with a nod.

Mr. Perkins’s voice begins to rise. “Do you have any idea of the capital that this bank has invested in you, Gru? With far too few of your sinister plots actually turning a profit, I might add.” Mr. Perkins stands up and walks around his office. “Hmm… how can I put it?” He pulls an apple from his coat. “Say this apple is you. If we don’t start getting our money back…”

Mr. Perkins squeezes the apple until it explodes!

“Get the picture?” says Mr. Perkins with a nasty grin as he shakes the apple juice off his hand. Then he holds up a balloon that is filled with something.

“What about this convenient balloon filled with flour? Let’s say this is you.” Mr. Perkins
hurls the balloon at the wall, where it bursts in a shower of white powder.

Gru gulps loudly.

“Look, Gru, the point is, there are a lot of new villains out there. Younger than you. Hungrier than you. Like that young fellow out there named Vector. He just stole the pyramid.”

Gru’s eyes widen. That incompetent guy he met in the lobby had stolen the pyramid?

Hastily, Gru tries to bring the conversation back to himself. “So, as far as getting the money for the rocket…?”

“Get the Shrink Ray,” Mr. Perkins tells him. “Then we’ll talk.”

Feeling defeated, Gru trudges out of Mr. Perkins’s office and into the lobby. There, he sees Vector trying to stick the piranha back into his gun. Gru looks around and then casually pulls out his Freeze Ray and freezes Vector’s head.

Stunned, Vector moves his eyes to look at Gru, before his body falls over onto the floor. As Gru walks away, he sees the piranha jump on top of the now defenseless Vector. Gru smiles to himself. Now about that Shrink Ray…

“Now maybe you’ll think
twice before you freeze
someone’s head!”

—Vector

On the far side of the globe, on a top secret island, in a top secret facility, a top secret experiment is under way. A worker pushes a cart through the halls and into a lab. On the cart sits the coveted Shrink Ray. The worker picks up the futuristic-looking weapon and places it in the center of the testing room. Opposite the Shrink Ray stands an elephant. The animal has no idea what it’s doing there, but it doesn’t have a good feeling.

From behind a window, two scientists in green lab coats look in. All around them are flashing lights and monitors constantly scrolling data. One scientist nods to the other, and then a switch gets flipped.

The Shrink Ray begins to hum, and lights flash. It is charging up. The scientists look excited. Things are looking good! Then the Shrink Ray hums louder and begins to glow. The scientists grab each other. This is it!

FZZZZCHEEWWW!
A bolt of energy shoots out and hits the elephant across the room. The huge animal suddenly shrinks down to the size of a mouse! It makes a meek, high-pitched trumpet sound.

The scientists embrace and dance around ecstatically until they hear…
VZZZHHHT!

The scientists look up to see a laser cutting a large circle in the ceiling of the lab. It’s Gru! His massive aircraft hovers just above the hole. Within seconds, one of his minions rides down on a giant claw. The minion grabs the Shrink Ray from its stand and then smiles arrogantly as the claw is retracted.

“Ha ha! Suckers!” says the minion. He isn’t looking where he’s going and bumps his head on the ceiling. “Ow!”

He repeats, “Suckers!” and tries to exit again. But he still doesn’t make it through the hole. Minions are great for some things; making a
dramatic exit is not one of them. Finally, he lines the claw up correctly and goes up through the hole to the waiting aircraft that Dr. Nefario designed for Gru.

As the plane takes off into the sky, the claw places the Shrink Ray and the minion into a glass case. Gru and another minion celebrate their success until they hear…
VZZZHHHT!

A laser cuts a hole in the plane’s ceiling, right above the Shrink Ray. A
different
giant claw enters Gru’s aircraft and grabs the case with the Shrink Ray! The claw shakes the case until the minion falls out.

Gru and the minions are stunned. Gru turns to look out the front window and exclaims, “What? No no no no!”

A larger white ship hovers above. It belongs to Vector, the ridiculous villain from the bank.

Vector yells down to Gru. “Mwa-ha-ha! Now maybe you’ll think twice before you freeze
someone’s head!” Now in possession of the Shrink Ray, Vector blasts off.

“Quick! We can’t let him get away!” Gru tells his minions.

The chase is on. Gru orders a minion to fire a machine gun. But all the bullets miss Vector’s ship. Gru engages all the rockets he has on board and fires. But Vector easily avoids every one of them.

“How adorable,” Vector mocks.

Gru clenches his jaw and lines up another shot. “Got you in our sights. Like taking candy from a—”

Gru is speechless as he watches Vector stand on top of his ship. He’s aiming the Shrink Ray directly at Gru and his minions!

“Hey, Gru, try this on for size!” Vector says with a wicked laugh.

ZZZZTTTT!
Gru’s ship starts to shrink! Gru’s seat belt shrinks so much that it breaks.

“This is claustrophobic,” says Gru, struggling as the ship continues to get smaller and smaller around him and the minions.

Vector laughs victoriously and takes off with a roar of the engine.

By this time, Gru’s ship has flipped upside down.

“Too small,” groans Gru. “This is too small for me.”

Gru and the minions are squeezed out the front of the cockpit like toothpaste. Gru holds on to the upside-down ship as the minions grab his legs. Finally, they right the ship, but they struggle to keep their balance on top of the now tiny aircraft.

“I don’t like that guy,” Gru mutters as the ship coasts down toward the ground.

“I’m going to need a
dozen tiny remote-
controlled robots that
look like cookies…
Cookie Robots!”

—Gru

Gru is not a villain who gives up easily, and he is certainly not someone who admits defeat to a nerd like Vector. So Gru puts his next plan into action. Dressed in a disguise with a wig of dreadlocks and a knit hat, Gru walks a mechanical puppy down the street where Vector’s house is located. The house is more like a fortress, with a huge white dome and a wall protecting all sides of it. A security camera atop the wall rotates and tries to focus in on Gru. He leaps backward and pins himself flat against the far side of the wall.

After a moment, nothing bad happens, so Gru activates the puppy into periscope mode. The dog’s mechanical head rises and peers over Vector’s wall.

Inside, Vector lounges on his couch playing video games. A shark and a school of fish swim beneath the glass floor. Yeah, it’s a pretty cool fortress.

Suddenly a security alert blares. Vector clicks a tiny remote, and a monitor shows the spying puppy periscope. Vector puts down the video game controller and picks up a much larger remote control. He pushes a button. Instantly, a large laser gun emerges from the dome atop his lair. It fires—burning the puppy periscope to a crisp!