Desperation of Love (3 page)

He reaches across the table and grabs my hand. “You and I.” He hesitates. “We seem to migrate toward each other, don’t we?”

I stop breathing. I’m not sure where he’s going with this but it can’t be good. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about the fact that every time you and I are within 10 feet of each other, we tend to end up very—” He bites his lip. “Together.”

Yeah, this isn’t going to be good. “What’s your point?”

“My point is, now that I’m living here, I think maybe you and I should see each other.”

Is he asking to be my boyfriend? “See each other?”

He nods at me. “Date.”

“Date?” I repeat, eyes wide open. “You never wanted to date me before.”

He tightens his grasp on my hand. “I did want to date you. I was just all over the place. Helping my brother and living in the city, I had no time for a girlfriend. I didn’t want to do that to you.”

“I don’t know what to say.” I want to say yes. I want to tell him that I’ll date him, that I’ll explore the obvious chemistry between us, but he’s just too close to home for me. He’ll always be a part of my life in one way or another, and I will only screw him over in the end.

“Say you’ll date me.”

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” I say as I pull my hand away. The connection is suddenly too intimate.

“Oh, this ought to be good.” He tilts his head. “Come on. Give it to me.”

I cover my face with my hands, needing a minute to think. It’s not that I’ve ever shied away from dating before. In fact, I enjoy it, but I’ve never had this type of animal attraction to anyone. He’s right. I can’t be in close proximity to him without wanting to touch him. “I don’t do well with dating. I actually like you, Alex. I like having you as a friend and I don’t want to destroy that. Trust me, if we tried to have a romantic relationship, I will destroy it.”

“Stop being so dramatic,” he said. “We’re adults. If it doesn’t work out, we’ll go back to being friends.”

“No,” I reply, knowing that it isn’t always that simple. Staying friends with someone you dated is a nice idea, in theory, but it never works.

“Okay.” He concedes.

“Okay?” I’m almost disappointed at how easily he was convinced. “That’s it?”

“Yeah. You’re full of shit but I’ll accept your response for now.”

“First of all, screw you. I’m not full of shit. I’m just being honest. Second, what do you mean you accept it
for now
?”

“We’ll revisit the situation at a more opportune moment.”

“My answer is not going to change.”

“Oh, it will change. I know it will. You want to know how I know?”

“Sure.”

“Because I know how you react every time I touch you, and let me tell you, princess, it’s not a friendly reaction.”

He’s right, but I would never admit that. “You’re wrong. I can and will control myself around you. It’s a non issue,” I say. He doesn’t reply but I can tell by the look on his face that he’s not buying what I’m selling. I’m saved by the waitress returning with our breakfast. We eat as Alex tells me what his plans are for his house, and for the new recording studio. His excitement rubs off on me and I find myself getting excited too.

“So what are you doing after this?” he asks, a sexy grin on his face.

“Absolutely nothing.” I can tell I’m setting myself up for something, but just because I don’t want to date him doesn’t mean we can’t hang out platonically.

“Alright, well, you’re coming with me. I want to show you something.”

“Okay,” I say, almost too eagerly

He pays the bill and leads me out of the restaurant. His hand on the small of my back sends a feeling of warmth throughout my body. It’s hard to deny my attraction for him but I know that anything more than friendship will only end in disaster. ”We can take my car,” he says, leading me to his black Audi Q7 SUV. I’ve always loved his car. “Can I drive?” I ask.

“You don’t know where we’re going, princess. You can drive on the way back.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, it’s just a car,” he replies nonchalantly as if he’s driving a beat-up pinto. He opens the passenger door for me and waits until I’m situated with my seat belt on before closing it and coming around to the driver’s seat. As he drives, he grasps the steering wheel with his left hand and places his right hand on the nape of my neck. He’s never done that before and even though it’s a possessive hold, I like it.

“So, this friend thing we’re doing now, does this mean we can’t make out anymore?” he asks, teasingly.

“Make out? We’re not in junior high, Alex,” I say sarcastically.

“Alright, well what do you call it, then? Groping, hooking up?”

“I don’t know.” I giggle. “The answer is no. No more making out of any kind,” I say firmly, sounding more like a parent scolding a child.

“You sure know how to take all the fun out of being friends, princess.” He pouts.

“Elle is my friend, I don’t make out with her. Therefore, I’m not making out with you … anymore.”

He squeezes my neck and laughs. “We’ll see.” Something tells me that he’s not going to let this notion of us being more than friends go. He’s not going to make this easy on me, so I have to strengthen my resolve and prepare to do battle. We pull up to a deserted dirt road and drive in.

“What is this place?”

“You’ll see.”

Moments later, we’ve pulled up to a private strip of ocean. It’s a completely secluded beach. There are no homes around, no boardwalk, no people, it’s just us. “Oh, wow.” I sigh, taking in the beauty. Being close to the ocean is the one thing I’ve always loved about living in New Jersey. Nothing calms me quite like lying on a beach and listening to the sounds of the waves rolling in. I’m stunned that I’ve lived here all of my life and never knew this existed. He removes his hand from my neck as I look over at him and smile. “This is amazing. How did you find this place?”

“I’ve been coming down on the weekends and exploring the area for months now. I just happened to end up here one day. I love it. It’s just peaceful, which is something that I’m not used to. I’ve lived in the city all of my life so this is like the perfect place for me to come and clear my head. The best part is that no one is ever here. It’s always like this,” he says. Looking at him now, I can see something that I haven’t noticed before. I’m pretty sure it’s pain. He keeps it hidden and he’s good at it. I would know, I’ve been doing the same thing for years. Maybe that’s why we’ve always been drawn to each other. Now I can’t help but wonder what has put that look on his face. What or who has caused Alex pain? “Come on. Let’s go get our feet wet.”

“Yeah?” I can feel the shift in his mood and it’s infectious. I like when Alex is in a playful mood, it makes me giddy.

“Yeah.” He gets out of the car and comes around to open my door. I hop out and take his cue, slipping off my shoes and rolling up the bottom of my jeans so they don’t get wet. He takes my shoes from me and tosses them in the backseat along with his. He grabs my hands as he walks backwards, pulling me forward as he goes. “You ready?”

“Yes,” I squeal.

“It’s probably cold,” he warns.

“Just don’t do anything crazy, alright?”

“What? Like this?” He tugs on my hands and jerks me forward until our chests are touching then bends down and pulls me over his shoulder in a fireman’s hold.

“Alex!” I shriek, laughing at the same time. “Put me down. If you throw me in the water, I swear to God, I’ll kill you!”

“I can’t hear you over the sound of the waves. What did you say?”

“Alex, please don’t throw me in.”

“Say it again, baby. I like it when you beg.”

“Alex, please!”

He laughs. ”Alright, princess.” He plants me back onto the ground, my feet coming into contact with the chilly water. I try to hit him on the chest but his arms are around my waist before I can move. He pulls me closer, until our bodies are touching. I have to look up in order to meet his eyes. I regret it as soon as I do, because his lips swiftly crash against mine before my brain can even register what’s happening. I want to pull away, I know that I should, but this is how he does it. This is how he draws me in every single time we’re alone together. He feels too good against me. The size of him envelops me, making me feel warm, protected. I can’t get enough of this feeling. I part my lips and he takes full advantage, slipping his tongue inside, sending me into a heated frenzy. I wrap my arms around his neck, bringing myself up on my toes, and kiss him back. His hands start to roam up my back until they’re tangled in my hair, giving him total control over me. I’m lost and I’m not sure how I got here, but I’m certain that if I don’t pull away now, I won’t be able to do it later. I break the kiss, and place my forehead on his chest. He kisses the top of my head and releases my hair, grabbing hold of one of my hands instead. “Come on, let’s walk a bit.”

We start to walk hand in hand, both ignoring what just happened. I didn’t want to encourage it and he didn’t want to argue about it. For some reason, it just seems easier to let it go. Perhaps if I don’t acknowledge it, it isn’t real. It’s a game we’ve been playing for months, and I was comfortable with it for a while, but now he’s changing the rules and the stakes are just too high.

“Do you think you’ll miss living in the city?” I ask after a long stretch of silence.

“I think I really needed this change, Jordan. I was always on the go, rarely taking the time to do anything for myself. For as long as I can remember, my life has been about Victor, making sure that everything with his career was where it needed to be. Now, I can finally do something that I want to do. It’s good. I’m happy about it.”

“That must have been hard, taking a back seat to your younger brother.”

“It wasn’t hard. I love him. I’d do anything for him and I don’t regret for one minute helping him live his dream. Not for one second. What was hard was living in his shadow at home, especially with my mom. Victor was her baby, her pride and joy, and she did everything in her power to bring him into the light, but she did it while leaving me behind.”

I guess that explains the pain I saw earlier. Thinking about what it must have been like for him growing up makes me sad. Here I am, complaining about growing up with parents who tried to smother me with love while Alex was practically neglected. “I’m sorry that she did that to you. You deserved better than that.”

“She can’t hurt me anymore, Jordan. It was a long time ago and I’ve come to terms with it.”

I swing around so that I’m in front of him, walking backwards now. I bring my arms around his neck and hug him tight. He comes to a stop and hugs me back. I guess it’s my way of bringing him a little bit of comfort even if he didn’t ask for it. I need to give it to him, tell him that he matters, in the only way I know how. I know it’s not what he wants, but it’s all I have to give right now, maybe ever.

“You’re a good guy, Alex,” I say in his ear.

He kisses my forehead. “Coming from you, that means a lot.” He releases his hold on me and grabs my hand, pulling me back the way we came. “Come on, let’s get out of here. I’ll take you back to your car.”

I poke him in his abs. “Okay, but I’m driving.”

He chuckles and hands me the keys. “Alright, princess, you drive.”

I was lucky enough to find a job as a web developer straight out of college. I learned as much as I could from the company I worked for and finally started my own business three years ago. My parents thought that I was crazy for leaving my high paying job and venturing off on my own with very little savings or start up money. Eventually, my dad offered me the cash to get started but I refused to accept it. I am his daughter after all, and Walter Burke would never take a handout from anyone. I started small, and with time, my business grew. I’ve been very lucky. I’m sitting in my home office trying to finish up a new website design but I’m distracted. Alex has been on my mind ever since we made it back to my car this morning. I keep trying to convince myself that a romantic relationship with him would just be wrong. It would cause more trouble than it’s worth, and my relationship with Elle and Victor is just too important for me to screw it up by getting involved with Alex. I understand all the reasons it would be a bad idea, but every time he’s around me, logic goes out the window. I want to be his friend, but I think he’s going to push those boundaries at every turn, and I don’t know if I can handle that. Truth be told, I want him. I want him in my bed, in my arms, in my life, and if he were any other man, I’d have given into that yearning from day one.

The sound of the doorbell breaks my train of thought. I walk through the lower level of my house, unsure of who it could be, and check the peephole when I make it to the door. I’m surprised to see Alex standing on the other side. He dropped me off at my car about three hours ago so it’s unexpected that he’s at my house.

I open the door, foregoing a typical greeting. “What are you doing here?” I probe, dropping my gaze and noticing that he’s carrying a duffle bag. “With luggage!” I say, looking back up at him, afraid to know the answer.

“I need a place to stay,” he says, pushing past me and walking into my living room.