Delete This at Your Peril (4 page)

Your servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: THIS IS URGENT

BOB LETS GO STRAIGHT TO THE POINT. THE LIONS AND LEOPARDS ARE HERE WITH ME AT THE BACK OF MY HOUSE THEY ARE FRIENDLY AND ONE OF THE LION TALKS. BOB SEND ME THE £1700 SO I CAN COLLECT THAT MONEY AND SHIP THEM TO YOU.

JACK

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Take it easy Jack

Jack,

Things are coming along nicely. I just need to know, for Frank's benefit more than anything –

What are the names of the lions? (he needs to know what to call them when they are introduced)

What does the lion say when it talks? (Again, who wants a lion that'll get them into scraps?)

The bank is preparing me some forms,

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: HERE IS THE INFORMATION

Hello Bob,

We have really wasted much time. Anyway, the information you asked for

1. The lion with more hair is Captain

2. The lion with black hair is Zoro

The other two do not have names, you can give them names yourself. And as for the lion that talks it's ways of talking are strange. It does not pronounce words well it only makes sounds. Hope you understand now.

Bob the security company has given me a day's grace. This is very serious, I don't think you realise what we are about to lose. Let me know when you will send the money and I will give you the info for Western Union.

Jack

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: All looking good. . .

Hello Jack,

Sorry about the delay. I was round at Frank's earlier and got stuck up a tree whilst chasing a snake, then fell off and banged my head on a chicken. You know what it's like. Listen Jack, the bank needs to know which account and country the money would be going to? I had extended discussions with Frank at Doc Ferry's bar this evening and he is absolutely delighted with the way things are going. He wants to know a last couple of things –

Can he call the other lions ‘FANCY PANTS', and ‘BRYAN'? Do the leopards sing, and are they willing to wear clothes?

All the best babes,

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: GO TO WESTERN UNION

Hello Bob,

Sorry for what happened to you, hope you didn't get injured. Tell your bank to send the money through Western Union. Money transfer to:

Name:
            

Country:
            

State/City:
            

Branch:
            

This is my very good friend name and address that is working in the bank. You will have to set a secret Question and Answer and be sure to send me the answer.

As for the lions you can call them any name provided you shout when talking to them and always use the same name. And trained leopards like the one I have for you will wear any clothes you buy for them OK. Please send the money today,

Jack

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: Nearly back to 100%

Hello my good friend,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I have nearly fully recovered from the fall and have just been chilling out ever since. I've still got a large bandage on my head however, and am too embarrassed to leave the house as then I'd have to tell people how I got the injury. The boys would love this one. If Tommy Peanuts or Chappy Williams got hold of it I'd not be able to show my face for weeks.

I should be OK tomorrow and will nip up to the bank then. Just a quick question about the leopard, does it look a bit like this?

Good luck my friend,

Bob

From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: URGENT

HELLO BOB,

I HOPE YOU ARE GETTING BETTER. I RECEIVED YOUR MAIL, SINCE YOU SAID TODAY YOU WILL BE GOING TO THE BANK PLEASE GO THERE RIGHT AWAY. AS FOR THE LEOPARD THE SKIN ARE ALIKE, THAT'S THE WAY IT LOOKS LIKE, SO PLEASE TRY AS MUCH AS YOU CAN TO RECOVER SO YOU CAN BE ABLE TO GO TO THE BANK. I WILL BE EXPECTING YOUR REPLY SOONEST.

THANKS.

JACK

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jack Thompson

Subject: What a Let Down

Jack,

I have some bad news my friend. I have just been to the bank and the guy there said that I cannot send you any money as I do not have any in my account. In actual fact, it turns out that I owe them over eight grand. I tried to explain that I needed to send you this money for the lions and the leopard but the guy said I was a fucking lunatic and got the security man to throw me out.

I'm really sorry Jack, I hope I haven't wasted your time in any way, I can't see how I could have, but I'm afraid that the deal is off. Good luck my friend, and good luck with the animals. If they get too much then you'd probably be OK just releasing them?

Love,

Bob

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Urgent

Hello Bob,

You see do you really still need lions and leopard? I will help you out sending it for you free but what you only have to do is to send just $700 or $500 for shipping it to Scotland.

If you can go to another bank to send that money to me just take the money from home and tell them you want to send that money through Western Union money transfer to that name i gave to you earlier on. It is easy. Do it today.

Jack

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From: Jack Thompson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Urgent

Bob?

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No Reply

 

1
. Bob does indeed live near the River Tay, and in some style, but this address does not exist. Just in case anyone was thinking of visiting.

2
. The Bank of Scotland in Broughty Ferry does not close early on a Wednesday so the staff can go tenpin bowling.

3
. This is entirely untrue. Dundee's
Evening Telegraph
newspaper carries a precise reflection of the day's exchange rates.

From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Employment Format

Sir,

Polysmooth is a UK textile company. We produce and distribute clothing materials worldwide and are looking for people to assist us with a new distribution network.

MAIN REQUIREMENTS

18 years or older, legally capable, responsible, to work 3-4 hours per week, with PC knowledge, e-mail and internet experience (minimal).

And please know that Everything is absolutely legal, that's why You have to fill a contract! If you are interested, please respond with your details. Thanks for your anticipated action.

Very Respectfully,

Mr. President,

Polysmooth International

                      

                      

                

ENGLAND

Best Regards

Jean Kitson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jean Kitson

Subject: Re: Employment Format

I might be interested Jean. But right now I have some legal problems to take care of.

Your Servant,

Bob Servant

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From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: Employment Format

Hope the problem is not that serious but you can share with me if you think I have to know about it.

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jean Kitson

Subject: Re: Employment Format

I am in big trouble. Do you know any lawyers?

I have money.

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From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: Employment Format

Sure, i know some i can introduce you to my lawyer, he is here in the UK, what do you really want? If he can assist you then i'll tell him, hope to hear from you soon

Jean Kitson

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From: Bob Servant

To: Jean Kitson

Subject: My shame

Jean,

Great, can you please forward this to the lawyer –

DO NOT JUDGE ME BECAUSE I AM A GOOD MAN.

My name is Bob Servant. You might well have heard of me from the days when I ran the Ellieslea Road to Beach Avenue windowcleaning round. It was Howard Reoch's beat for years but Howie lost it with the OVD and ended up shacking up with a Chinese girl in Lochee and only leaving the flat to get his hair cut.

Anyway, I had to sell the round ten years ago when some little fucker stole my ladders.
⁴
From there things just turned really bad. I stopped getting work other than from bungalows, and it just wasn't enough to run the van on. So then I was down to bungalows that I could reach on foot and there are only really four of them. It got to the stage I was turning up at those four houses a couple of times a week, then nearly every day and they soon rumbled that I was taking the piss and sacked me. So that was me.

Since then I spend my time as a ‘man about town'. Sometimes this is a great life, but other times I get quite low. I sit in my house, eating jaffa cakes, drinking cheap wine and building duvet dens in the front room. It's no kind of life, no kind of life at all.

Anyway, I found a way of livening things up, which was to play pranks on my postman. His name is Trevor and he is a complete prick. At first it was basic stuff - I'd grab the letters out his hand and pretend to be a dog, or sit up on the roof and chuck a bucket of water over him.

He complained to the police and they warned me off but that just annoyed me because what did he have to go and tell them for? So I really went to town on him. I built a hide in the garden and took pot-shots at him with an air rifle or chucked a firework at his head. It was really funny. You should have seen his face the time I hit him square on the napper with the Catherine Wheel. I think he might have been crying.

Things came to a head last week. I hid behind a tree and jumped out with a hose but he saw me in time and rushed me. He got his sack over my head but I fought back and managed to get him on the ground. At this point the weasel managed to squirm away but I grabbed him round the top of his trousers and at the same time went for him with the hose.

Unfortunately, he pulled away again and both his trousers and pants came off in my left hand whilst, with my right hand, I accidentally shoved the hosepipe up his bottom. The first I knew was when he let out the most incredible scream, I've never heard anything like it. I threw off the sack and realised what had happened but by that time he was hopping down the path, howling away with the top of the hose still protruding out of his arse. He looked a bit like the Australian kangaroo.

Anyway, to cut a long story short these are the charges that I face as a result of that moment of madness –

ASSAULT

SEXUAL ASSAULT

HARRASSMENT

EXTREME EMBARRASSMENT

I am in court in two weeks – Can you help? What's the best defence? I hope we can work together on this,

Thank you,

Bob

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From: Jean Kitson

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Re: My shame

I can help you if you want to help yourself, i was going to give you 7% of the check money we are sending to you, but because of the problem you have I talked to the rest of the company board and they said we would offer you $1000 not $700 and if in the long run you did your job well, you might get rewarded more. What you have to do now is get back to me with all your personal and banking details so we can register you as a worker.