Defensive (6 page)

“Are you getting sick? If you are, please don’t breathe on me. I can’t afford to miss a day at work.”

“I promise I won’t breathe on you. I don’t think I’m getting sick, though.”

She smirked. “Maybe you’re pregnant.”

“I can’t be pregnant. I’m on birth control and I’m very good about taking it.” I told her before taking a bite.

“It’s common knowledge that it fails sometimes.”

“Well, I can’t be pregnant. Jackson and I have only been dating a couple months.” I quickly tried to remember my last period and couldn’t.
Shit!
Just then a waiter came by with what smelled like fish and I instantly wanted to gag. I was sure it was my mind playing tricks on me.

Amanda noticed. “Hmmm. Maybe we’ll stop by Target on the way home and get a test.” My eyes went wide and she continued. “Just to make sure. I’m sure you’re not but it’s better to know sooner rather than later.”

“Okay. I guess you’re right.” I decided to change the subject. “Are you still dating that guy from work?”

“No. He’s a freak. He emailed and texted me every five minutes and it turns out that he still lives with his mom,” she said, shaking her head.

“Maybe he just really liked you and that’s why he texted and called all the time?”

“You did hear me say that he still lives with his mom, right? No. I can’t get with a mama’s boy.” She took a drink of her margarita.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Amanda was very matter-of-fact. “How did you tell him it was over?” I asked.

She smiled. “I told him that he was way too clingy and I couldn’t date a man in his late twenties who still lived with his mom. He pretended he didn’t understand and tried to tell me about all this money he was saving and blah, blah, blah. I told him to shut up and not to contact me again unless it was work related. He made it sound way worse than what it was and now everyone in the office is saying I’m a bitch.”

I laughed again. “Imagine that.” I remembered the parent from earlier. “You know, I talked to this parent tonight that was really attractive.”

“Don’t you have a really attractive boyfriend?” she asked with an arched eyebrow.

I rolled my eyes. “I was thinking for you. Maybe come by and help with play practice the rest of the week and see if you could meet a responsible, mature man?”

“I’m sure he was hot but I don’t want a man who already has kids.”

I was pretty sure that stemmed from my brother. “Well, I guess coming would be a stupid idea then.”

We ate the rest of our meal, talking about a couple of dates she had been on, but all I could think about was the possibility of being pregnant. What if I was? Would it end the same way as my first pregnancy?

After we drove to Target, I stood looking at the different pregnancy tests. There were way too many options. I just wanted to know if I was pregnant. I had no idea which one to choose.

“You okay, V? You look really pale,” Amanda said from beside me.

“No, I’m not. I have no idea which one to choose.”

“I say you just pick the one that says it can detect it the earliest,” she suggested with a shrug.

I looked back at the plethora of tests. “Sounds like a good idea to me.” I really just wanted to run out of the store and pretend this wasn’t happening. The thought of being pregnant terrified me. I couldn’t lose everything again.

I exited the bathroom after setting the timer on my phone to three minutes and headed for the couch where Amanda was seated.

“Don’t look so nervous. If it’s positive, it’ll be okay. Jackson is a great guy and he’ll be a great dad.”

I tried to smile but instead tears formed in my eyes. “I know but what if he thinks I’m trying to trap him or something? It happens all the time with guys in his position. And I can’t...”

“You’re right. It does happen all the time but he won’t think that. And just because the first—”

“I don’t want to talk about that,” I cut her off. “You know I don’t like to talk about it or think about it.”

“No need to get defensive. We won’t talk about it.”

Just as she finished, the buzzer on my phone alerted me that the three minutes were over. All I could do was look at my phone. I couldn’t move. I wanted to remain on the couch and not think about the results of that test.

“I’ll go look, okay?” Amanda said softly while getting up.

She was only gone what felt like a couple of seconds when I felt her wrapping her arms around me. “It’s positive,” she whispered. I just shook my head no. A sob broke from the back of my throat and she wrapped her arms tighter around me. “It’s okay. I promise. It’ll be okay.”

I cried for what felt like hours but could’ve only been a few minutes. All I could see was me telling Jackson and him accusing me of trapping him in a relationship for his money. Or him telling me to get rid of the baby. Or, even though I didn’t want to let my mind go there, it ending exactly like my first pregnancy and Jackson pushing me away.

I’m going to be a mom. I’m going to be a mom. Oh my God, I’m going to be a mom
.
Maybe.

I must’ve cried myself to sleep because I woke up on the couch to Amanda poking me. “Hey, Jackson’s calling you. I’m going to take off, okay?” I wanted to cry again as I remembered that I was pregnant and hesitated before answering the phone. “You don’t have to tell him tonight. Probably better to do it in person anyway,” she said.

She gave me a quick hug bye as I answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hey, babe. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, why?” I asked, clearing my throat.

“You sound weird.”

“I just woke up when you called. I fell asleep on the couch. How was your game?”

“Okay. We won. Barely, though.”

“Glad you won,” I told him, walking to the kitchen for a glass of water.

“I miss you. I can’t wait to get back.”

“Tomorrow night, right?” I asked even though I already knew when he would be back. I just needed him to say it.

“Yeah, it’ll be late, though. We’ll be flying home after the game.” Tomorrow. Wednesday night. I had one day to figure out how to tell him that he was going to be a father. One day to figure out how to make him believe me when I told him it was an accident.

“I can’t wait to see you, either. I can’t believe you just left and I already miss you.” It was true; I missed him like crazy. Even though I was terrified of telling him I was pregnant, I craved his comfort. I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was all going to be all right.

“Babe, either something is really wrong or you’re tired. Which is it? I can tell by your voice.”

I shuffled back to the couch and sat down. “Nothing’s wrong. I’m just tired from play practice with the kids.”

“Okay, as long as nothing’s wrong. I guess I’m going to let you go, though, so you can get some rest.”

“Okay. I love you.”

“Love you, too. Bye, babe.”

I disconnected the call and threw my phone down on the coffee table. I wanted to scream. I wanted to cry. I wanted Jackson to tell me that everything would be okay.

Jackson

I woke up to the phone ringing and then ringing some more when I couldn’t find it on the hotel nightstand. “Yeah,” I said without looking to see who was calling.

“Jackson.”

I pulled the phone away from my ear to look at the screen. Cynthia.

“Yeah. What’s up, Cynthia?”

“I need to talk to you about something.”

I sat up a little and yawned. “Okay, tell me.”

“Remember when I came to see you?” she asked.

“Yeah. Look nothing—”

She cut me off. “I know. You’re still with that girl. That’s not why I’m calling. Just let me get this out.”

“Okay.” I had no clue where this conversation could be headed.

“I came to see you because I wanted us to get back together, but that wasn’t the only reason. I also needed… to tell you something. I’m… pregnant.”

“That’s great. Congratulations. Who’s the lucky guy?”

“You. You’re the dad, Jackson.”

I rubbed my eyes and tried to shake the sleepiness out of my head because I knew I must’ve heard her wrong. “Umm, what? I can’t be the dad, Cynthia.”

“Yeah, if you’ll remember, we slept together the night before you left. I’m not a slut. I know you have to be the father.”

I closed my eyes and gripped the sheets. I needed to breathe.
Shit. Fuck… Shit. Fuck
. I knew she wasn’t lying. Cynthia was a lot of things but she wouldn’t make this up or assume if there was a chance the baby wasn’t mine.

“Say something,” she whispered.

“Wow. I don’t really know what to say right now. Why didn’t you tell me before? You said that’s why you came to see me.”

“I was so upset when I realized that you were in love with another girl.”

“Vanessa. Her name is Vanessa and I’m still with her. Nothing will change that.”

“I understand that. I wasn’t going to tell you, but the more time that’s went on, I realized that’s not fair to you or our child,” she said.

“That’s true. I’m glad you told me. I just… it’s a lot to take in right now. I want to be involved, though. I mean with the pregnancy and everything.”

“Everything?” she asked with a hint of hope in her voice.

“Still doesn’t change anything with Vanessa and me but, yeah, I want to be involved with everything.”

“All right. I guess that’s all I can ask for.”

“Okay, well I have to go, but I’ll call you later about appointments and stuff, okay?” I asked.

“Okay, bye.”

I hung up the phone and threw it across the room.
Damn it! How in the hell am I going to tell Vanessa that I’m having a child with another woman?
I needed to calm down and focus on getting ready for the game. I’d figure out what to say on the flight home. I picked up my phone from the floor, which now had a shattered screen, and threw it on the bed as I walked to the bathroom to take a shower.

I played okay for having so much on my mind. Luckily, I was pretty good at blocking out everything but the game. During the entire plane ride back to Oklahoma City, I kept going over different ways to tell Vanessa.

“Hey, babe, I’m having a kid with someone else” or “So you wanna be a stepmom?” just didn’t seem right. I didn’t want to beat around the bush about it or butter her up first, but just spitting it out didn’t sound right, either.

I marched up to her apartment door and took a deep breath before putting my key in the lock. I opened the door and found Vanessa asleep on the couch with the TV on some infomercial. I leaned down, kissing her softly on the head before continuing to the bedroom to leave my bag. I decided to take a shower first before taking her to bed. I stripped out of my clothes and turned the water on. I let it heat up as my mind raced with how to tell her. I really wanted to never tell her but that seemed like the shittiest thing ever to do to her and the child.
Shit. I’m going to be someone’s father and I barely even like their mother. Great way to bring a child into the world.

I stepped into the shower and tried to will my body to relax. I didn’t want Vanessa to sense any tension or stress. I wanted her to feel like everything was going to be okay. And as long as she understood that nothing would change between us, everything would be all right.