Deep (8 page)

Mia frowned. “What are you talking about? How much have you had to drink?”

“None of your damn business. Now let’s do this.”

He staggered down the corridor, using the wall to keep himself upright and propel him forward. Mia was behind him. She was trying to talk to him, but he wasn’t in the mood to listen. What could she say? What could she possibly say to make anything better? He got to the infirmary, took a steadying breath, and dared himself to confront the biggest regret of his life.

Kyle was standing near the door, a clipboard in hand. Harvey was resting in a seat by the wall, toying with a band-aid on his arm and sipping at a cup of tea with distrust. Selena sat by the doc’s bedside, her golden hair pushed back from her face, holding Sean’s pale hand. But something was wrong. Joel frowned while he tried to figure it out through his drunken haze. Then it hit him: nobody was crying.

His eyes moved to Sean’s body. The doc was awake. He was lying with his eyes open, listening as Kyle read him his own vitals. Joel didn’t know what to do. The son of a bitch had survived. He stared at the patient, and everything in the infirmary went silent. All Joel could hear was the pounding of his own heart. He had to get out of there. Curtly, he nodded his approval at Kyle and Selena’s work, then walked out.

He made it to the mess before Mia caught up with him.

“What the hell was that?”

“I... I....” Joel sat down before his legs betrayed him. “I thought he was dead.”

“Well, he’s not. He pulled through and he’s going to be okay.” She grabbed a mug from the kitchenette, filled it with strong coffee from the pot, and gave it to him. Then she sat down opposite—her interrogator position. “So, are you going to tell me what happened?”

Joel took the coffee, although he would have preferred the bottle back. He wondered whether, if he stayed quiet, she’d go away.

She wouldn’t. Mia could be as stubborn and headstrong as him when she wanted to be. “What did you do?”

That was the worst thing about having his baby sister on board. She always knew when he’d screwed up, and she wouldn’t let him get away with it. It had been the same when they were kids. She’d find out all his mistakes and extract a full confession from him.

“I said something to the doc,” he confessed, because he knew from experience it was better to get things out in the open sooner rather than later. “I accused him of working with David to steal the cargo.”

Mia scowled at him. “You know Sean wouldn’t do that.”

“You thought the same; you said—”

“I meant did he know that David was behind it when he went into the hatch. I wanted to know if he was trying to stop David or just getting in the way.” Mia rubbed her face in frustration. “You really accused him? What the hell were you thinking?”

“I don’t know.”

“Seriously, Joel, you have done some stupid things in your time, but this....” She shook her head. “Were you trying to hurt him, is that it?”

“No, of course not.”

“Well, what then? You did it for a joke? You wanted to mess with his head because you’re a fucking sociopath and you like to put him through hell? Do you really hate him that much?”

Joel slammed his hand on the table. “I was confused, okay? One minute he’s sad, the next we’re making out, and then there’s an alarm going off. I wasn’t thinking straight. My head was all over the place. I didn’t know what to think, except that my ship was in danger and someone had to be at fault.”

“That’s no excuse.” Mia paused. “Wait. What do you mean you were making out?”

Joel cursed himself for letting it slip. He took a mouthful of coffee before he said anything else.

Mia slowly repeated herself. “What do you mean you were making out?”

He looked away, shifting awkwardly. “I, eh... I mean, we.... We were just fooling around, okay? It’s nothing serious.”

Her glare was enough to sober him up. “You’re an absolute, utter shithead. You know that, right? What a mess. What a total mess. You better talk to him and you better make this right.”

JOEL COULD BOSS people about. He could scream and shout. He could even comfort his crew when he needed to. What he really struggled with was apologies. Especially when those apologies were overdue and perched on a mountain of unacknowledged feelings.

It wasn’t that he was upset that the doc had lived, but he had prepared himself for Sean’s death and hadn’t even thought about what would happen if he pulled through. Actually, that wasn’t true. He thought about continuing where they left off before the alarm sounded. He thought about waking up next to Sean every morning and going to sleep with him every night. All of which glossed over the big apology he had to make first.

If his sister hadn’t frog-marched him down to the infirmary the following morning he’d have put it off forever. But under her watchful eye he put on a brave face. Selena was with Sean, sitting by his side and making him smile. Then the doctor’s eyes darkened as he realized Joel was watching them.

“Hey, Captain,” Selena said with an oblivious grin. “I was about to get Sean something to eat. Do you want something?”

“No,” Joel said with a forced smile. He glanced behind him to make sure Mia was making herself scarce, too. It wouldn’t be long before the whole ship was gossiping, but that didn’t mean he was ready for public displays of affection yet.

“How’re you doing?” he asked once they were alone.

“I’ve been shot. The bullet tore through my large intestine, and then Kyle seems to have hacked the rest of my internal organs with a scalpel trying to find it.”

“Didn’t think you were going to make it there,” Joel confessed. He took up Selena’s place, closer to him. “Pretty much convinced myself you were gone.”

Sean lay unnaturally still in the bed.

“Does it hurt?”

“Immensely.”

“Did they give you any painkillers?”

“I need to keep a clear head.”

Joel rolled his eyes. “You need to get some rest. Where is it? I can do it.”

“No, I told you I don’t want any.” Sean closed his eyes, fighting through the obvious pain. “I wanted to speak to you, and I need to do that without being doped up.”

Joel recognized that tone. It was Sean’s bad-news voice. “Okay.” Joel pursed his lips. Things were not going well.

“I would like to retire from service,” Sean stated. His stare was blank and empty. Joel didn’t like it at all.

“I wouldn’t expect you to work until you’re back on your feet. I know I’m a slave driver, but I’m not a maniac.”

“You misunderstand me. I would like to retire from service early altogether.”

Joel sat back in the chair, annoyed at the suggestion. “Any particular reason?”

“What do you think?”

“I didn’t mean what I said. You know I didn’t think—”

“What? That I’d sell out the people I love?” The last word hung in the air, neither of them comfortable with it.

“I wasn’t thinking straight. There was a lot of shit happening and I lashed out at the first thing I saw.” This was getting him nowhere. Joel stood up and turned away so he could tackle the hardest part without looking at Sean. “I’m sorry, Sean. I really am sorry.”

“It doesn’t matter now.”

“It doesn’t?” Joel turned back to face Sean again, unreasonably hopeful.

Sean glanced at his clasped hands.

“Look, about what happened with us before I messed up,” Joel started.

“It shouldn’t have happened. I apologize,” Sean said sharply. “I was distressed and upset. I’d had a drink and I wasn’t thinking clearly. You were being kind to me and I crossed a line. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable. Like you said, you’re not gay and I should have listened to you.”

“I didn’t stop you.”

“I wish you had.”

“You do?” Joel said, disappointed. “Oh, okay.”

“And I’d be grateful if you didn’t mention it to the others.”

Joel scratched at the back of his head.

Sean sighed. “They already know?” He squeezed his lips together. “All of them?”

Joel nodded. “You know what it’s like. Once one knows, all of them know.”

Sean wasn’t taking the news well. He closed his eyes as he battled through more pain. “I have to leave.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’d like to take the spare lifeboat to the surface.”

The request hit Joel in the face. “You want to leave
Ariel
?”

“Too much has happened and I can’t stay here anymore. Please, Captain, I need to go.”

“Oh,” was all Joel managed.

Sean was a grown man; if he wanted to leave, he could. Joel wasn’t going to stop him, no matter how much he wanted to.

“Okay, if that’s what you want. Let me know when you’re ready. I’ve got work to do.”

His anger was close to boiling over and he needed to get as far away from Sean as possible.

JOEL HAD ALWAYS liked women. When he was thirteen he obsessed about fifteen-year-old Anna Clayton, who worked with her mom at the shipyard. He lost his virginity three years later to Anna’s younger sister. For a while in his twenties he fell in and out of love with a marine scientist who sailed with him. There had never been a man in his life until Sean. And now he was leaving. Another disaster, another bottle. Joel was getting low on his supplies. He consoled himself—the sooner the doc left, the better.

He was about to indulge what was becoming a habit until the bottle was snatched from his hand.

“Hey,” he shouted, grappling in the air like a pathetic drunk.

Mia punched him in the arm, hard.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“For being an idiot. What the hell are you doing?”

“Having my own personal crisis. Now fuck off so I can do it properly.”

“This about Sean?”

Joel ground his teeth.

Mia groaned in exasperation. “Have you tried apologizing?”

“Actually, little sister, I have, and it didn’t work, so screw you. Now give me back my booze.”

“No.” She lifted the bottle in the air and poured the liquid onto the floor.

“You bitch! What did you do that for?”

“This isn’t helping. And I know about the other bottles, so if you want them to stay intact you’ll start talking.”

Joel lamented at the puddle of liquor. “You’re a real piece of work.”

Mia fixed him with her no-bullshit stare.

“Fine. I guess I’m having a gay crisis.”

“Okay. You want to talk about it?”

“No, I want to drink myself to sleep, but since you’ve taken that from me....” He took a steadying breath. “You know I’ve never, you know, with a man before.”

She nodded and settled herself into the opposite seat, ready for the difficult chat.

“Well, now I have,” he said.

“And you’re questioning whether that makes you less of a man?”

He glowered at her. “What the hell kind of question is that? Of course not. Just because a guy happens to like another guy doesn’t make him any less of a man. You less of a woman because you’re bedding a man who still sleeps with a nightlight on?”

She ignored the insult. “So you do like Sean?”

“Of course I like him. Wouldn’t keep him on the ship if I didn’t.”

“You know what I mean. You
like
him.”

Joel wasn’t uncomfortable with the question. He was a simple man at heart, and he preferred to look at things as straightforwardly as possible. “Yeah, I like him. I really like him. More than I’ve liked anyone in a long while. But it doesn’t matter, because he doesn’t like me.”

“Don’t be so stupid. The doc has been crazy about you since he boarded.”

“Then why is he leaving?”

“Leaving?”

“What are you, an echo? Yes. He’s leaving. Said what happened was a mistake and he can’t stay here anymore.”

Mia sat back, surprised. “Have you told him how you feel?”

“Mia, I shoved my tongue down his throat. I think I made it pretty obvious.”

“Thanks for that mental picture. Look, you know what the doc is like. He isn’t exactly the sharpest when it comes to working out what’s going on around here.” She pushed back her hair and watched the ripples of indigo light up the blackness in the cockpit window. “Do you want him to go?”

“Of course I don’t.”

“Then why are you letting him?”

“Because I can’t keep him here against his will! I’m a lot of things, but I’m not that guy.”

“Joel, you have made Sean’s life difficult since the day he arrived here. Why the hell would you make his leaving easy?”

He hated to admit it, but she was right. When Sean arrived on
Ariel
, Joel had taken particular delight in pushing the doctor until he lost his temper. The boy could drive Joel crazy, and to retaliate, Joel would do anything he could to wind the doctor up. That was how they worked together: two men so intent on their own will they butted heads at every opportunity.

“Joel Riley is a fighter and he doesn’t let the things he loves go.”

“I can’t make him stay if he doesn’t want to. I’m not holding him against his will.”

“No, but you can make him know that you want him to stay. Maybe that’s enough to change his mind. You two snipe at each other, you argue, but you both want the same things. You always have. You both want to take care of the ship and the crew. I know he doesn’t truly want to leave; he loves it here too much. But he’s scared, Joel. He’s scared of what you will think of him and how you’ll treat him.”

Joel frowned. “I’ll treat him right, you know I will.”

“I do, but he doesn’t. You have to show him.”

Her words reprogrammed his mood. He put his arms around his sister and kissed her on the top of her head. “If you hadn’t spilled my good whiskey all over the floor I’d tell you how awesome you are. But you did, so you can go to hell.”

SEAN’S CHEST HURT. He wasn’t even sure if he could sail the lifeboat, but getting off the ship was more important than his health. He couldn’t stay there with Joel. Seeing the other man stirred up so much emotion it was suffocating. He’d been in love with the captain for so long, but initiating a physical relationship changed everything. It hurt more than any of his wounds and it was never going to heal.

The pain was slowing him down, and he needed to get going quickly before he changed his mind. He gave himself a shot to cope with the pain, and then made one last check of the infirmary, leaving a list of things they would need to do once he left. Then he decided he needed to pack his things. The sooner he hit the surface, the better.