Deciding Love (25 page)

As I pulled on some yoga pants and a long shirt, my eyes caught on the piece of paper lying in the middle of my bed. Sitting down, I grabbed it as if it might burn me, turning it over to see the drawing of me.

My fingers traced the lines, the urge to cry pulling at me. I blinked the tears back. I had really thought I’d meant something to him. Even looking at how beautifully he’d drawn me, one could mistakenly think there were real emotions behind the person who drew this.

It was just another lie. Another way for him to worm his way into my heart just to rip it out. I hated it. And I hated him. My hands held the top of the paper before I could stop myself, ripping it down the middle. The ruined pieces fell to the floor as I watched them, too raw to care.

Getting up, I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath before heading downstairs. Mom and Dad were in the family room, laughing at something on the television.

“Mom, Dad,” I said, grabbing their attention. “I want to talk to you about something.”

28

Kyle

“You’re a real jerk, Kyle Briggs,” Perrie said as soon as Chloe was gone. “And I don’t know who I’m saying that for, me or her.”

“What did I do?” I asked, keeping my voice as even as possible. I was pretty sure whatever heart I possessed, had just broken at the hurt and betrayal I saw in Chloe’s eyes.

I just had to keep it together a while longer, just until I was alone. Then I would drop the mask and try to absorb this new emptiness inside my chest - try to get used to it. Because I had a feeling that I’d just broken Chloe’s heart, and she would never want to be with me again.

Which is good, I tried to remind myself. It might hurt now, but it would have just gotten worse if I’d continued to fall for her and then lost her somehow.

Would it have?
An inner voice whispered.

I didn’t know. Because right now, it hurt real fucking bad. It fucking
killed
.

“Did you not just see that girl’s face, or are you really as big of an ass as you’re pretending to be right now?”

I clenched my fists. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

She let out a harsh, humorless laugh. “You know what? The next time you want to go around ripping out girls’ hearts, do it by yourself. Don’t bring me into it.” She turned to go.

“You’re the one that came back here,” I pointed out, for some reason making her pause instead of just letting her leave. Maybe because I wanted to hear her call me out on my bullshit, just so it hurt more. Just so I truly comprehended how awful of a human being I was. Pain was better than numbness.

She looked over her shoulder, her face filled with disgust. “You left your phone in my car on purpose, Briggs. I’m not stupid. You planned all this, even saying that shit about us going another round. You know damn well we never slept together last night, or any night for that matter. I’m not some pawn, and you - you need help. If the pain I keep seeing flashing in your eyes is real, you just ruined something special for no good reason. No matter how much your screwed up mind tells you there is.” She didn’t wait for my reply. And to be honest, I didn’t think I could answer her anyway. Every word she’d just said was like a smack in the face.

I’d never hated myself more than I did in that moment. Turning, I staggered inside, heading straight for Mom and Dad’s liquor cabinet, grabbing the bottle of vodka.

Perrie was right, of course. And she knew it. We’d been good friends since we were little, and I’d crashed at her house lots of times when I’d had too much to drink and didn’t want to go home. Sadly, it was really the only time I saw her. And yet, she never complained or judged me.

Until now. There wasn’t just judgement there, but disapproval.

Perrie was also one of the girls I never slept with. She was too good of a friend to ruin the relationship over sex. And she also always saw through my shit. I was starting to think I’d set myself up by going to her.

I really was turning into quite a masochist.

Slumping down into the same chair Chloe had occupied, I lifted the bottle to my lips, welcoming the burn as my eyes stared unseeing into the backyard.

How long I sat there, lifting the bottle again and again, I don’t know. I was in a haze of my own self-hatred. The look on Chloe’s face was repeating through my mind.

It wasn’t until the back door slid open that I finally lifted my head, or tried to at least, blinking out of my daze only to be faced with a very pissed off looking Cat.

“Heeey, kitty cat,” I slurred.

“What. The. Fuck, Ky?” She practically shouted.

“Geez, what is all the profanity for, sis? You don’t swear.”

“Excuse me, but it’s not every day I have to stand here and watch my best friend get fucked over by my own brother! Why, Kyle? Just answer me that. Why?” She crossed her arms, looking at me just like Mom used to when I’d done something bad.

“You know how I am, Cat,” I answered, looking away dismissively. “You’re as naive as her if you thought Chloe was any different than the other girls I’ve hooked up with.” The words left a bitter taste in my mouth.

“Bullshit.”

I looked back over at her, raising both brows. “Excuse me?”

“Bull. Shit.”

I took another slow pull of vodka, watching her as I did. I’d never seen my sister look down at me the way she was now. It made me feel even more ashamed of myself than I already was,

“Enlighten me, what, exactly, is
bullshit
, as you so eloquently put it?”

“Everything you just said,” she said. She waved her hand at me. “All of this. This
, I don’t give a shit
, attitude you’re trying to give off especially.” She walked toward me and damn if I didn’t want to retreat a bit. My little sister looked fierce, her green eyes bright with anger.

“You can try and tell me that Chloe wasn’t different all you want, but I know for a fact that you never sat back here on Sunday morning, drinking a bottle of vodka over any of your other lays. What you felt for her was real. And I don’t understand why you would ruin it the way you did.”

My head dropped as I fought back the emotion clogging my throat. Clearing it, I looked back at her and decided it was better just to be honest with Cat. Otherwise she’d never let me be.

“It was bound to happen anyway,” I said. “This wouldn’t have lasted forever, and it would just hurt more if I’d let it go on. That’s what caring for someone does to you, it hurts you.”

Cat shook her head disbelievingly. “You screwed everything up so you wouldn’t get hurt? Well, guess what, Kyle? It happened anyway. You’re so blind you can’t even see that the only one hurting you is you. And on top of it all, you hurt one of the sweetest people I know. I hope you’re fucking proud of yourself.”

She didn’t wait for my reply either, turning to walk back inside the house. It seemed everyone wanted to chew me up and spit me out. Fuck. I was not in a good place. I took another swig, wondering how much longer it would take to get me drunk enough to pass out. Anything to ease the pain.

It took me two weeks to work up the nerve to pick Cat up from school again. Dad was constantly back and forth at the hospital during that time, so luckily he had offered to grab her instead. I didn’t want to admit it, but I was more than relieved.

I didn’t know how I would feel seeing Chloe again. It actually scared the shit out of me. Every night I dreamt of her, and every morning I had to wake up to face the reality that I’d royally screwed everything up.

Mom was coming home today though, so Dad had asked if I could grab Cat. There was no reasonable excuse I could give to get out of it, so now I sat in front of the school, waiting for my sister.

I gripped the steering wheel when the bell rang, as if holding it tightly enough would keep me from getting out of the car and going to her when she came out. I’d done the right thing ending things, I reminded myself.

Sure, I’d been miserable the past two weeks, and my own sister wouldn’t talk to me, but I still knew it was better this way. Chloe would find some guy in college, who was as nice as she was, and who wouldn’t break her heart.

And if he did, I’d break him.

I snorted. As if she’d accept any help from me. Not likely. My palms started to sweat as more people came out.

I don’t know if Dad dropped Chloe off too. I never asked, but I knew she wouldn’t get in my car. Or maybe she would, I thought, unease slithering through my stomach. What if she was over me? What if I’d been struggling and she was past everything?

The memory of the look in her eyes that day told me it was unlikely. No, there was no way she’d let me drive her home. Which meant she’d either have to walk, or ask one of these young morons to drive her.

I didn’t like either of those options.

How was I going to convince her to let me drive her? I spotted Cat’s strawberry blonde hair as she made her way toward me.

My mouth went dry. Would Chloe even look my way? What if she didn’t acknowledge me at all? It would hurt, no doubt. But maybe I needed it.

The look on Cat’s face told me she was less than happy to see me there. She got in the car, dumping her bag on the floor and immediately twisting to get her belt on.

“Hello to you too,” I tried.

Nothing.

I wasn’t used to this - the silent treatment. Cat and I never fought. I mean, we did, obviously, but never so badly that she wouldn’t speak to me. I had no idea how to fix things.

My eyes went back to the crowd, skimming over each face to find the one that haunted my dreams.

“What are you waiting for?” Cat snapped.

“Look at that, she does know how to speak.”

“Ha. Ha. Can we go please?”

I went to drive away, but I couldn’t. Not until I saw her. At least for a second. My eyes scanned the faces outside the school, like a man starved. But I couldn’t find the face I so desperately wanted to see, those strange eyes that wouldn’t ever look back at me the same way again.

Cat huffed with annoyance. “What are you waiting...” I heard her suck in a breath, which made me give up my search to look at her instead. She was staring at me with a mixture of outrage and disbelief.

“What?” I asked.

“I can’t believe you’re actually sitting here watching for her,” she said with a shake of her head. “You broke her heart and you’re seriously hoping to what? Give her a ride home like you did before? As if everything was completely normal again?”

I shifted in my seat, unable to meet her eye. “I didn’t say that.”

“You don’t have to. I can tell.” She looked away with a short laugh. “You’re unbelievable, you know that? Let’s just go home.”

I tried again, but I still couldn’t seem to make myself drive. “How will she get home then?”

“It’s not your concern.”

“Damn it, Kitty. Stop giving me this fucking attitude. I just want to make sure she has a safe way home.”

Her eyes flared. My sister was seriously scary sometimes. But I was scarier, and we both knew it. Even Cat didn’t like facing my anger and it was starting to slowly boil.

“You don’t have the right to care about her safety. You lost that when you threw her away like a piece of trash. Why don’t you go ask Hilary if she wants a ride home instead?”

I slammed my palms on the steering wheel. “Enough! Just tell me someone else has her, and we can go.”

Cat turned away from me, her shoulders stiff as she stared out the window.

“Cat,” I said warningly.

“I don’t know,” she bit out.

“What do you mean?”

She turned back to me, her eyes now brimming with tears even through her anger. “I don’t know if someone has her since she’s gone.”

What. The. Fuck?

“What do you mean gone?” I forced out. The air I’d been breathing was sucked out of the car.

“She’s gone, Kyle. She left the same Monday after you dumped her.”

No. That wasn’t possible.

“Where did she go?”

“California with her dad.”

I looked out the windshield in a daze, guilt and a sense of loss eating at my insides.

“For how long?” I asked.

“The rest of the school year. That’s it,” she said, sniffling. “She’s gone for good. All because of you.”

I flinched. My knuckles turned white as I gripped the steering wheel, needing something to hold me in place. I felt as though the ground was about to open up and swallow me whole.

This couldn’t be really happening. Sure, I had broken things off, but I had fully expected to still see her around. Those moments were what was going to get me through not actually being able to touch her and be with her. I never expected...

“Can we please go now? I’m done talking to you about this,” Cat said.

All I could manage was a stiff nod before finally driving forward.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry,” I said.

Cat sighed. “I know you are, Ky.” We drove the rest of the way in silence.

29