Deceptions (49 page)

in London? Are you working here? Wait until I tell Stephanie—' She stopped abruptly.

Garth saw sidelong glances on all sides - pity, embarrassment, curiosity. He held out his hand to Dmitri. 'Garth Andersen. Stephanie has told me about you.'

Dmitri took his hand in gratitude. *Yes. We had an adventure, the three of us.' He turned to Sabrina. 'I remember your sister so clearly: her courage, and her eyes-so eager, demanding to see everything. I called her three days ago when I arrived, but she was away. Perhaps, before you leave, if you have time, we could have tea?'

'Perhaps,' Sabrina said, anxious to get away. He reminded her of a time when everything was simple. A dream time that was dead.

She was trembling. I can't tell Stephanie I met Dmitri, she thought. I can't tell Stephanie anything ever again. I can't even talk about her to anyone else. Because I'm still Stephanie. And I can't find a way to tell the truth,

'And how long are you here?' Dmitri asked. Sabrina turned, but he was speaking to Garth.

'I'm not sure.'

'Why not?' she asked abruptly. 'Your ticket is for tomorrow.'

*I won't leave if you need me.*

'I don't need you.'

*You may not be the best judge of that.'

Dmitri began to retreat.'! will call, then, about tea - if you are still here—'

'I'll be here,' Sabrina said. 'My father is in the hospital, my mother is here and I have my own affairs to handle.'

'My dear,' urged Nicholas, coming close. 'I would like to talk to you about Ambassadors. Lady Longworth and I had talked about a partnership. How long will you suy in London?'

In an instant, Sidney Jones was at her elbow: Sabrina's solicitor, who had gotten her divorce from Denton, who had drawn up her will. 'I can anange an appoiiitment. I would, of course, be present. Lady Longworth would have wished that, since I drew up her will. And I have already spoken to Mrs Andersen about her inheritance of the estate/

S64

The whole thing, Sabrina thought. Left to Stephanie Andersen. I've left everything to myself. And the foolish, sad joke brought tears to her eyes.

But a spark of curiosity had been aroused. Stephanie had talked to Nicholas about a partnership? What else had she done, besides get involved with Max Stuyvesant? For the first time Sabrina realized that she knew almost nothing of what Stephanie had done in London. And now Stephanie could not tell her.

She looked at Antonio and Alexandra, standing nearby, the sexual pull between them so strong Sabrina could feel it. When did that begin? Stephanie had broken with him only a little while ago. But it was a good match. How clever of Stephanie, if she had encouraged it.

At the buffet Michel and Jolie were heaping a plate with chicken pat6 and comichons.;Stephanie hadn't mentioned them since the birthday party at Alexandra's. Sabrina would have to find out about their newspaper story without giving away her ignorance. More playacting. There is no end to a deception once it begins.

'My dear,' said Sidney Jones, 'may I get you a cup of tea?' He cocked a superior eyebrow at Garth to show him who knew best how to take care of fragile women.

'Not tea,' Sabrina said smoothly. 'Garth, wouldyougetme a glass of wine?'

Garth smiled at her, his heart lifting as she came out of her grief to put this supercilious snob in his place. 'I love you,' he said, kissing her cheek, thanking her. 'I'll be right back.'

Sabrina saw Brooks come into the room and go to Gabrielle. Those nearby, their faces alert for a quarrel, inched closer to listen. Sabrina shook her head. Nothing changes, she thought. Some of them will miss me for awhile, but everything will go on just as it always has. Nothing changes.

But when I tell the truth, everything will change for Garth and the children.

Unless I don't. The thought whipped in so quickly it was a moment before she grasped it and realized she had thought it before. Unless I don't. If I told the truth today or tomorrow, or a month from now, or next year, what difference would

it make? Or if I never did. We could just go on as we have been. What difference would it make to anyone?

But if I don't tell anyone the truth, how can 1 ever be Sabrina again?

Garth returned, followed by a waiter bearing a tray with canapes and wine. 'He wouldn't let me do my own serving. I gather he thinks of me as an outsider trying to bust his union.' Sabrina gave a small involuntary laugh, and he felt he had won a victory.

They sat together in quiet companionship, surrounded by noise. 'Nothing changes,' Garth murmured, eyeing the crowd.

Sabrina looked at him quickly. 'But you don't know them.'

'Do I need to? Look at them. They came here solemn and respectful, whispering, and within two hours they're thrashing around in their endless entanglements. Listen to them.'

Everything goes on, she thought again, listening to the high-pitched chatter of a cocktail party.

'Amazing resemblance; I could swear it was Sabrina.'

'No, it's quite superficial. The mouth is different, and the eyes; you just aren't very observant.*

'I'll ask her; she'll tell you I'm right - they're really identical.'

'Oh, for God's sake, you're not going to ask her! One more scene like the one at the grave and I'll take to my bed for a week. So chilling; my God, I couldn't bear another.'

Garth kept an eye on his wife, but she seemed indifferent to the chatter. She was very pale, but cahn and alert; the look of the sleepwalker was gone. In fact, though she had let Brooks and Olivia arrange the funeral and buffet lunch, she behaved like the owner of the house with Mrs Thirkell and the staff. And, though she clung to him for support, she would still, at odd moments, suddenly and unexpectedly withdraw into her shell and look at him as if she was not sure who he was, or what she had to do with him.

'What I would like,' Garth said, 'is a Scotch.'

'I'll get you one,' Sabrina said, as if glad to have something to do, and before he could stop her she was gone.

'Restless/ said Nicholas Blackford knowingly. 'Usually

happens in mourning. Take her awhile to get over it. The two of them were so close in China that I can't imagine them apart.'

China? What the hell was the man talking about? They hadn't been together in China. But Blackford had been there-Garth remembered Stephanie saying she'd picked up British phrases from him. They did have that time together, though,' he said probingly.

'Right, exactly right; I hope you help Stephanie see it that way. Two whole weeks together, when otherwise Sabrina might have - oh, dear, how does one say it - died without their having been together for a year. Mysterious ways, the fates work. I was thinking of the pictures I took of them, in those identical silk dresses they bought in Shanghai. Do you know, I never saw those pictures. Did they come out?'

'Yes,' Garth said thoughtfully as his wife came up to them with a bottle and a glass with ice cubes.

*I foiled the union,' she said with a small smile. 'But I only brought one glass. Nicholas, if you'd like some—' She looked into Garth's face. 'What's wrong?'

'Nothing. Where did you locate the Scotch?'

'In the study upstairs. I... Sabrina kept a few bottles there. Something is wrong.'

Nicholas fidgeted, alarmed by hints of a domestic squabble. 'Perhaps I will get a drink. If you'll excuse me—'

Garth poured the amber liquid into his glass. 'Nicholas was telling me how close you and Sabrina were in China. He took pictures, he said.'

His face froze with a bleak emptiness. 'Yes,' she said finally. 'In Shanghai. Near the hotel. The day before he spilled his pastries all over the street. That isn't important, of course, I just remembered it. 1 meant to tell you all about it, everything, from the beginning, but so much has been happening, and I've been confused, and I kept putting it off ... I was going to tell you tonight, when we were alone, so you'd know before you caught your plane tomorrow - at least, I think that's what I was going to do, but we can do it now if you want—'

Her voice was a monotone of such loneliness and despair that he was alarmed. 'No, not now. It can wait. In fact, you

don't have to tell me at all. Whatever it was-were you afraid I'd be angiy if I knew? You were right; I probably would have been. Because I didn't really know her. I only wish you hadn't been afraid of telling me, as if I was the ogre in the castle who had to be lied to or he'd eat everyone up. Was I really like that?'

She bent her head and shook it slowly back and forth, her hair hiding her face. 'No, don't say that. You're not an ogre. I love you.'

'Then nothing else matters. What the hell do I care if you were with Sabrina in China? Let's talk about something else. Can you tell me, for example, why these guests, who must collectively own half the wealth in England, are gorging themselves on lunch as if they are destitutes with no hope of dinner?'

She laughed, looking up at him. 'Maybe to remind themselves they're still alive.'

He brushed a lock of hair from her forehead. Even preoccupied with sorrow, he thought, her mind was quick. 'Or to make sure they haven't missed anything. Funerals remind them of the uncertainty of tomorrow.'

They smiled softly at each other, as if saying they were the lucky ones whose tomorrow was certain. And Garth began to believe they would soon find again what they had discovered in New York the night before Brooks called from London.

That night, as they lay in bed, he held her hand and offered again to stay with her for a few more days. But she refused to consider it. 'My mother is here, and all my ... Sabrina's friends, and Mrs Thirkell - if I need company or help, they're all here. The children need you, and you.shouldn't miss any more classes and lab work. And didn't you plan to meet with the architects for the Genetics Institute?'

'Yes, yts, and yes. But if you need me, I would stay here.'

She turned to him. Her eyes, in the soft light from the bedside lamp, studied him as if memorizing the lines of his face. 'I was going to tell you tonight about the China trip, the whole story—'

'1 don't want to hear it. Unless you think it would help you

work out your feelings about your sister. But I can't tell you how to do that, you know. However you felt about her when she was alive, you have to be yourself now, separate from her and separate from her memory. You can't slide back and forth from one to the other—' She drew a sharp breath. 'What is it?'

'What you said - that's what I have to tell you. But every time I begin, I can't go on.*

'Then don't. Damn it, I don't want to hear it if it's so difficult for you.' He was afraid to hear it; afraid he would have no weapons against decisions she made in her grief. 'Wait until later, when we're home. Then you can tell me if you still think you must.'

'But it isn't—'

'Stephanie, I don't want to hear it. It can wait.' He raised himself on his elbow and kissed her. 'It's late and you're exhausted. Why don't you try to sleep?'

She hesitated. He was giving her time. Why not take it? She'd already decided it made no difference. Put it off a little longer. She touched his face. 'I thought you'd want to make love.'

'I want to do what you want,' he said. She moved toward him and he pulled her close; they lay still in each other's arms. Garth felt her stir and his hands caressed her. 'My love, shall I stay in London a while longer?'

'No. But make love to me now.'

She stirred against him and her breathing quickened; he lay on her, letting himself melt into the scent and touch of her body. As he was about to enter her he looked into her tyes and stopped abruptly. Without a word, he moved away and lay on his back beside her.

'Garth - what—?'

'You didn't want to make love. You were faking it, weren't you?'

After a moment, eyes closed, she nodded.

'Why? Do you think my pleasure is so important to me that I'd want to get it that way?'

'I wanted to make love to you.*

'That's not true.'

*/ wanted to make love to you. My mind wanted to make

love to you. I don't know why I couldn't get my body to respond ... I tried, but it wouldn't, so I pretended. Because I wanted to make love to you. Don't you understand? I wanted to feel you inside me. I didn't care whether I had an orgasm or not. I wanted you inside me.'

'Then why not say that? Why fake it?'

She shuddered. 'I'm sorry. I don't know why I can't tell you everything.'

He took her hand. 'Go to sleep. When you get home, we'll talk; you can tell me anything you like.'

She burrowed her head into the pillow. 'You're going back tomorrow?'

'Yes.' He leaned over her and kissed the small comer of forehead he could see. 'Good night, my love.'

'Good night.'

He turned off the lamp. In the darkness, her voice reached him like a soft caress. 'I love you. Garth.'

On Sunday morning, Gordon lay propped up in his hospital bed reminiscing about the past. Sabrina kept her eyes on his thin face, but she was thinking of Garth, on his way back to America. Gordon's voice grew louder.

'Then in Algeria, there was so much to do... of course, my heart was fine in those days -1 could go eighteen hours at a stretch ... '

'And did,' Sabrina murmured. 'Leaving us with the servants.'

'Stephanie,' said Laura sharply.

Sabrina shrugged. 'It was a long time ago.'

'Then why bring it up? Your father always did the best he could, for his country and his family. I must say, I'm surprised. It wasn't you who complained in the past; it was always Sabrina.'

Her voice broke on Sabrina's name. 'I'm sorry,' Sabrina said.

Gordon's forehead creased as he looked at her. 'Your mother told me what happened at the cemetery. It's no good, you know, trying to be Sabrina. That won't bring her back.'

Sabrina met his eyes boldly, daring him to recognize her,

but she knew he would not; if he hadn't done so earlier, how could he now, when he was concentrating on the steady beating of his heart?

'And you don't owe her an3ahing, either. She was different from you and lived a different life. I'm not saying it was good or bad...' He coughed, and immediately Laura was standing over him.

'Don't excite yourself. The doctors said you'd be all right if you kept quiet. We'll be here indefinitely if you don't do as they tell you,'

'I wasn't excited,' Gordon said mildly. 'I was simply pointing out that Stephanie needn't be ashamed to be herself.'

'You were implying that Sabrina's way of life had something to do with her death. You had no right -1 'm sorry, Gordon, I shouldn't say that. Stephanie, what will you do about Ambassadors?'

'Your mother is changing the subject,' Gordon said to Sabrina. 'But I loved your sister, you know. Even when I thought her wild and reckless; even when she married that pompous ass what's-his-name duke—'