Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead (21 page)

“I have never lied or cheated on Rhoda, so don’t throw me into THAT pot!”

“Oh, really? You’ve never cheated? What about Sydell?”

“SYDELL? Where are you getting your information? From those blabbermouths?” He pointed. “If you’re listening to them, you’re crazier than I thought.”

“Fine. Then who is she?”

Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

181

“Sydell Baumgarten was an eighty-seven-year-old Alzheim-er’s patient who used to call me six times a day, and that’s when she wasn’t driving over here to tell me how much I reminded her of her son Alan, who died, only he wasn’t dead, he was a bankruptcy lawyer in Westchester!”

“Oh.”

“I don’t even know how she got here half the time, but whenever she showed up, she was wearing underwear over her pants.”

“Sorry.” Mindy looked down.
I am going to kill you, Edna
.

“So be careful before you start making accusations! You know what my life with Rhoda has been like—a living hell! And if I’ve decided I’ve had enough, I don’t need your or anyone else’s permission to call it quits.”

“Okay, okay . . . do whatever you want. Just . . . you know, try to consider your grandchildren’s feelings when you break the news to them. They’re going to be so crushed.”

“I will handle this with the great care and sensitivity that I handle everything else.”

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

Sixteen

When had marriage become as disposable as a lighter? Good for a few thousand flicks, then discard it for the promise of a bright new spark? After seeing the ease with which Richard and Stan could walk away from their wives with zero interest in rekin-dling the flame, Mindy felt guilty for not reminding Artie she was grateful he was such a devoted husband and father (even if their future was going up in smoke).

As soon as Stan’s limo pulled away, she ran to her car to call him, thereby preventing Edna and the others from listening in as they always did. Unfortunately, Artie’s phone went right to voice mail:

Hey it’s me. Just wanted to say I love you
,
you’re the best
,
and we’ ll get
through this together. Also
,
it’s not exactly cheeseburgers in paradise here
either. Your dad is on his way to Florida and your mom is freaking. Oh,
and Stacie became a woman this morning
,
but trust me
,
it wasn’t as much
fun as watching her take her first steps. Call me. Love you. Bye
.

Mindy looked at the time to try to figure out where he might be this early in the morning. Aaron’s school perhaps? Planned Parenthood? She’d wait another few minutes in case he got back Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

183

to her and meanwhile, maybe she’d call Dana to fill her in. Not that she was easily reachable. On weekdays she was either at the gym, tending to her herb garden, or crusading for wind energy.

Even if they did speak, Dana would likely claim to have no interest in her in-laws’ marital problems, unless, of course, it resulted in them deciding to sell their Great Neck estate and disposing of their valuable antiques, which the family knew she’d had her eye on for years.

In fact, just the thought of hearing Dana’s whiny voice made Mindy reach for the Coffee Nips she kept hidden in a seat pocket.

Nothing better than passing the time with her good friend Mr.

Sugar.

She closed her eyes, letting her mind go into a random free fall, and what came to mind were conversations she’d had with her father about historic figures who weren’t all that honorable.

How he loved to snitch on famous people who were known for their great achievements, but whose private lives were tainted with scandal.

One story she never forgot was about Albert Einstein, a ha-bitual philanderer who had an affair with his cousin Elsa, then married her and began an adulterous affair with his best friend’s niece. Was this the real basis of his theory of relativity? Was Mindy thinking about this because of the events of the past few days?
Duh,
as her kids would say.

She was about to head back inside when she spotted a familiar car pull into the parking lot. Not that there weren’t a lot of people who drove silver Infinitys. But only one would have the vanity plate, RHODAROUND.

Rhoda was not expecting to see Mindy jump out of her car and clutched her bag to her bosom. “Oh, for God’s sake! I thought you were a mugger!”

“Sorry. I was just about to go back in . . . Don’t you have a lunch date and a root canal?”

184

Saralee Rosenberg

“I canceled them. What were you doing outside?”

“Trying to reach Artie. I didn’t want everyone listening in.

Why are you here?”

“What? Now I need an engraved invitation to come by my husband’s office?”

“Rhoda, Stan already left.”

“Good. I don’t want to see the son of a bitch. I’m here to get all the family photos. I’ll be damned if his patients are going to think, how nice, he’s such a wonderful family man!”

“Thank God. I thought maybe you were planning to take the books to show a lawyer.”

“What if I was? According to her, it’s still marital property.”

“You already spoke to an attorney?”

“The best of the best!” She waved her finger. “My cousin Doris’s neighbor Adelle used this crazy broad in the city and got the whole kit and caboodle right down to the dog!”

“Hold on. Hold on. Dad had one little silly encounter. Aren’t you overreacting?”

“Who’s overreacting? Am I the one running down to Florida like a little Romeo?”

“I’m not defending him, but the two of you really need to talk.

Maybe just listen to what he wants.”

“Me listen to him? Oh no. No, no. He’s gonna listen to what I want! How about a little respect, a little understanding—

AND—the biggest goddamn apology of his life?”

“Did you ever think that maybe that’s what he wants, too?”

“What do I have to apologize for? I didn’t do anything wrong. . . .

And you have some nerve butting in like this. How about if I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it!”

Mindy gulped. After years of seesawing between ignoring Rhoda and killing herself to receive the tiniest praise, she had never interfered with her mother-in-law’s handling of her affairs, as she’d made it clear that the only ones permitted to speak Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

185

this candidly were her sons, and only if they chose their words carefully.

But now as she studied Rhoda’s once regal frame, a count-ess embodied by rings the size of golf balls, she wasn’t feeling intimidated. This wasn’t the tough-talking it’s-my-way-or-the-highway matriarch, but a vanquished wife whose dark roots revealed grays of sadness under the bright morning sun; an aging wife whose small, sunken eyes were shadows of confusion.

And how odd. It was the second time this week she felt sympathy for a woman for whom she’d previously felt nothing but contempt. But in spite of the reprimand, Mindy would be nice.

“Look, I’m sorry if I’m overstepping my bounds, but I am still family to you and—oh, hold on.” She looked at her cell. “Oh, thank God, it’s Artie. You go in and tell the girls that everything is fine and I’ll tell him what’s going on to see what he thinks.”

To Mindy’s surprise, Rhoda nodded her approval. To her son she would listen.

“Where are you?” Mindy didn’t even say hello. “What did you find out? I was up all last night worrying about this baby, and then I must have fallen asleep and had this dream that you bought a house in Portland without asking, you didn’t do that, did you? And then you wouldn’t believe what’s going on with Beth and Richard and your parents. I told your mom I’d ask your advice about—”

“Stop. One thing at a time. No wonder your computer always freezes. Let’s take it from the top. Rainbow is six weeks pregnant, but she told Aaron he’s not the father.”

“Oh, thank God.”

“Yeah, it’s like I thought. It’s that guy John’s, but then it’s like you said, too. Aaron
wanted
it to be his. He actually accused Rainbow of lying because he’s only seventeen, but no matter what, he plans to help support her.”

“Support her how? With rebate offers?”

186

Saralee Rosenberg

“I don’t know . . . he’s a mess. He was sobbing in my arms last night because he wanted to be the father and I’m standing there thinking, what is wrong with him? He has no education, no home, no means of earning a living. I wouldn’t have wanted to be dealing with this at his age.”

“Yes, but think about it. You didn’t just lose your mother.

Maybe all this emotion about the baby has nothing to do with the baby. Maybe it’s a delayed reaction to losing the only family he knew. How he could he not be a mess inside? His parents are dead, his uncle is dead. . . . Other than you, he has no one to call family. No wonder he wants one of his own.”

“Wow, that psych degree comes in handy every once in a while.”

“Not that it ever solves anything . . . When are you coming back?”

“That’s why I called. We caught a f light this morning and are on a layover now. We land at LaGaurdia at two.”

“Wait. You got Aaron to come back with you?”

“You’d be very proud of me. I told him that if he was going to be a father, the first thing he had to learn was how to be loving but firm.”

“Impressive . . . You ought to try that at home. Anyway, don’t hang up yet. I have to fill you in on your parents.”

“No, please. I’ve got enough on my plate, and you’re better at this stuff than me anyway. Whatever you do is fine.”

“Really? It’s okay to tell your mom to hire that divorce attorney she saw?”

“Oh, jeez. She met with a divorce attorney? No, of course, don’t let her do that. Do you want her walking off with half of our inheritance, also called your retirement fund?”

“No.”

“Then you must stop her or smite her.”

“Smite her?” Mindy giggled. “Should I run over to Target to see what’s new in the sword department?”

Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

187

* * *

Real time
was one of those modern day terms that had taken on multiple meanings, the most important of which was that it reminded us to live in the moment. Forget harboring old resent-ments or dreaming of tomorrow’s redemption. Nothing was better than seizing the day.

In that spirit of here and now, Mindy ended her call with Artie and told Rhoda to come back outside. “I just had an idea and I want you to hear me out before you say no. Artie and Aaron are on their way back from Portland. I’m going to have to pick them up at two, so what if we drive back to your house first, I’ll book you a f light, you pack a bag, and then come with me to the airport so you can fly to Florida, too.”

“Me go to Florida? I can’t do that. My hair needs a wash and blow.”

Clean or dirty
,
your beehive always looks the same
. “You look fine.”

Rhoda stared. This was crazy talk. She was a sixty-seven-year-old grandmother who did not jump on planes, let alone to go plead with a husband who was acting like an ass. “Nothing doing! Rhoda Sherman does not chase men!”

“Look. I know you’re a very proud person,” Mindy said, “but so is Stan. Maybe that’s why he paid attention to that other woman.

It was just nice to hear someone say, ‘you’re a sweet, interesting man. I like you.’”

Rhoda’s lip curled. She was livid but listening.

“That’s why you need to be there. Not to show him who’s boss, to show him you care.”

“Go down to Florida. Today?”

“Yes.”

“But I don’t have a reservation. And have you seen the fares lately? Ridiculous!”

“Who cares? You’ve probably got more money in the bottom of that big pocketbook than I have in my checkbook. And did 188

Saralee Rosenberg

Dad give a damn about the fares when he booked his f light?”

“I don’t know . . .” She looked like she wanted to smoke. “What am I? A crazy teenager?”

“No, but it could be fun acting like one.”

“You call fun going on a wild goose chase? And where would I stay? How would I get from the airport . . . it’s too much for me!

I like to plan everything nice and neat.”

“Fine. Then sit home and wonder what he’s doing, where he is, who he’s with . . .”

Rhoda shifted.

“What if I call my mom? I’m sure she and Aunt Toby would pick you up and you could even stay at her place.”

“But what if . . . ,” Rhoda practically whispered, “what if he doesn’t want to see me?”

“Are you kidding? He’ll be thrilled to see you. He forgot his blood pressure pills. Oh, hold on, it’s Stacie. That can’t be good!”

It hadn’t started out as a day like any other, so it was only fitting that it get more screwy by the hour. Though Mindy hadn’t worked in two weeks, her job would have to wait. She went back into the office for her things and told the girls to hold down the fort and pray.

First stop was picking up a miserable Stacie at school so that she could roll up in a ball and die in the comfort of her own home, only there was no time to drop her off, she was going to have to make the jaunt to Nana’s house and then the airport, where Mindy would drop off her miserable mother-in-law and retrieve her miserable husband and his miserable son.

By the time Mindy and Stacie were hauling Rhoda’s bags from the parking lot to the terminal, she had the woman’s undivided attention.

“You’ll call his cell when you get down there and tell him you made a dinner reservation for the two of you.”

Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

189

“But I don’t know the restaurants he likes. He takes care of those things.”

“Fine. Then call and ask where he’d like to go.”

“That’s ridiculous. He’s my husband, not a date.”

“Rhoda! Yes he is your date!”

“I don’t like that idea. I’m gonna give him Toby’s address and tell him he’d better get his big, fat
tuckus
over there right now.”

“Nana! Oh my God! That’s so dumb.” Stacie had forgotten about her cramps now that she was on an adventure. “That’s not how you get a boy to like you. You gotta be nice and let him do all the talking and pretend like he’s interesting.”