“But now it’s all wrong. Was I a game to him?” Sam’s voice cracked.
“No, darling, no. You musn’t think that.” The professor nudged his arm around her and held her tight. “It wasn’t a game at all. From what Alex told us last night, you mean everything to him. Besides, he’s never been good at games.” He chuckled lightly. “Think about this . . . remember when you asked us not to tell Alex about your past?”
Sam nodded.
“We never did. But he’s known all along, and rather than go away, he pressed closer.” He paused and let his words sink in. “He did it all wrong, Sam. We both know that, but it wasn’t a game. As you just said, the boy was scared. Can you understand fear like that?”
“What do I do?”
“That’s between you and Alex . . . but I agree with your instincts. Don’t run away. Walk away, if that’s what you decide, after all is said and done, but wait for that moment. You’ll feel it when it comes and then, perhaps, you can leave with no regrets.” He sighed and shifted his weight. “My dear, my knees are killing me. Help me stand?”
Sam smiled and pulled him up, and he tugged her into a deep hug.
“You’re known and loved, my dear girl. You always were.”
Sam nodded and held on tight. His words sifted deep within her. She was known and loved and had been all along . . . by Alex too. He had seen her heart from the beginning, and rather than walk away—Alex sought her, pursued her, and fell in love with her. Her heart softened.
Then she recalled how he went about it . . .
She felt her jaw grow tight and noticed the professor watching her. He chuckled.
“I’m going to find your mother. She’s a nervous wreck. But I think you have some talking to do here.” He nodded toward Alex’s door and walked down the hall.
Sam looked through the doorway. Alex held his fists pushed into his eyes and his chest rose in an exaggerated fashion, as if he too was finding it difficult to draw air. Sam remembered his words—
I let people down, then run like a coward before it hits the fan
—and Ashley’s indictment from the day before—
You rejected him so he couldn’t hurt you. You had to be the last one standing. All alone.
So much mess, so much pain—the professor was right. There was talking to do.
Sam stepped into the room. “How many ribs are broken?”
“I thought you’d left. I thought you hated me . . . What?”
“What’s broken? What hurts?”
“Three ribs, they took my spleen . . . I don’t know. Why?”
“I want you to hurt really badly right now . . . Because you’ve hurt me. You need to share in that.”
“I can’t hurt any worse.” Alex studied her. “But I won’t run, Sam. No matter what, I’ll take it. I’ll stick.”
“Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“I wrote that to Mr. Knightley . . . You don’t get to use my words. They weren’t meant for you . . . Look what you’ve done, Alex. You’ve messed this all up.” She took one step forward. “I’m mad . . . so mad I can’t see straight. But you know that because you know exactly how I think, how
I feel things—because I’ve armed you. I gave all that to Mr. Knightley, and now you’ve got it.”
She paused to organize her feelings. It felt crucial to say how she felt, not to hide, but to stand. “I’m angry, and worse, I’m hurt. I feel betrayed.”
“I know, and you’re right.” Alex looked out the window. “I should’ve written you back last year. Remember when you asked? Right after your time with Kyle?”
Sam cringed.
“I could’ve ended this. I was a coward. We both know that. But you needed Mr. Knightley. I couldn’t take him from you. I wanted you to need me.”
“You never gave me the choice.”
“If I could take it back, I would. You must know that . . . I know you said I can’t quote Mr. Darcy, but that is exactly how it was for me. ‘I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun.’ And that’s how it felt, Sam. I can’t recall a moment in which I didn’t love you. But I made a mistake. I thought I could walk that line and know you as both Knightley and me—we could remain separate. And then it was too late.
“It happened so fast. You were at the Muirs’ for dinner. And then you were in my life and they kept talking about you, keeping you in front of me. And your letters . . . I am so sorry. I never should have come to Chicago. I should’ve stayed away, but I wanted to be near you. I wanted you to feel the same—about me. But I was too scared. Too scared to tell you the truth. Too scared to lose you. And now . . .”
Alex reached toward her, and Sam involuntarily took a step forward. She caught herself and stopped.
Tears gathered in Alex’s eyes and ran down his cheeks. “Forgive me, Sam. Deep down, please know I’d rather die than hurt you. Please . . .”
“Stop, Alex. Stop crying.” Despite the pain, Sam realized she felt strong. She felt whole. She also remembered why she had come—to put Alex first. Had that changed?
“Please give me another chance.” The vulnerability in his voice and the softening in her heart brought her another step forward. “I’m in this for keeps. Whatever it takes to make this right, to make you stay, to make you safe. Just don’t leave. We belong together.”
“I don’t know who
we
are,” Sam whispered.
“We’re Alex and Sam. And we’re a mess. That’s partly why we’re so perfect for each other.” Their eyes caught, and Alex smiled. “How else can two such dysfunctional people fall in love?”
Sam laughed through her tears. There was truth in his statement. “I never said I loved you.”
Alex quirked his eyebrow.
“Fine. I told Mr. Knightley, you jerk.” She let out an exasperated sigh.
“Come here.” Alex patted the bed next to him.
“Why?”
“I can’t reach you over there.”
“That’s awfully close.”
“I’m not the enemy.” Alex’s broader smile compelled her to take the last few steps. She sat on the edge of his bed and stared at her lap. She saw his hand reach as if to touch her fingers, then it withdrew.
“I want us to get to know each other. No more lies and no more letters.” He reached for her fingers. “All I want is to be with you—completely, passionately, and forever.” Alex moved one hand up to her face and brushed a tear resting under her eye, but he didn’t let her go. “We can’t start over, and I don’t want to. All of this is a part of us. Good, bad, and ugly, Sam, this is our story.”
“Don’t put it in a book.”
Alex laughed softly. “I promise. But I want to hear about everything from you, as me. I want to meet Kyle, and Father John, and Ashley.”
“You want it all, don’t you?” Sam’s voice wavered.
“Yes. I want all of you, and I’ll work every day to earn your trust and your forgiveness.”
They sat in silence and, after a few moments, she felt peace steal over her.
“I’d like to go running.”
“I wish I could join you. Ten miles and we could work this out.”
“It’d only take six.”
“What do you mean?” The hope dancing in Alex’s voice made Sam smile.
“I mean I can forgive you . . . and I do, Alex. Part of me understands all this. I hid for years, and I hurt people. But now I don’t know how to let go of this feeling, this hurt. Six miles and I could sort it out. But on my own . . . here . . . ?” She glanced around the room, fluttering her hands.
Alex sighed. “You’re not on your own.” He grasped her hands and pulled her closer. “I’m right here.” He paused, then whispered, “May I kiss you?”
“Why?”
“Because I love you.” As she nodded, Alex moved his hands to the sides of her face and gently pulled her toward him. He kissed her softly, with reverence. “Forever, Sam. I’ll love you forever.”
Sam bit her bottom lip. Questioning the kiss? Savoring it? Maybe both. She felt her eyes drift shut.
I’m okay. I feel . . . I feel . . . joy
. The lightness surprised her. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as she imagined it to be. She could breathe. Alex caught her expression.
“What?”
“I love you too, Alex.”
Alex smiled and pulled her across his chest, stifling a small gasp of pain. Undeterred, he settled her there and she fit perfectly. He kissed her again, this time unable to keep his love and his passion quite so contained.
A thought drifted through Sam’s head . . .
Only daring to hope for a little respite of suffering;—she was now in an exquisite flutter of happiness . . .
and she smiled. Finally, she knew what it felt like to be Emma.
Moments passed before Alex held Sam a few inches away, unwilling to let her go any farther. “What did that kiss say?” he whispered.
Sam almost reacted, but the softness in his voice stopped her. He wanted to know. And while she suspected this was going to be a twist to the game they played, it felt too soon, too raw. “You’re quoting my letters again.”
“I’m sorry.” Alex hesitated. “I just want you to know how much I . . .”
“It said nothing.” Sam watched his face drop, and relished
the new and exciting—and flirtatious—power she held. Power, she conceded, that shouldn’t be abused. “It was a ‘completely, perfectly, and incandescently happy’ moment,” she said.
“Ah . . . you’re cheating. That was from the movie, my darling Mrs. Darcy.”
“Yes, it was.” This time Sam reached for Alex.
1. Sam found a safe haven in her books, but Hannah accused Sam of hiding in her books. Knowing Sam’s past, her retreat may seem justified. What do you think? Do you ever hide? Are there places you naturally gravitate toward when you feel afraid, hurt, or vulnerable?
2. Father John believed that the best thing for Sam would be to find her way around the “real world and its people.” Do you agree?
3. Did Father John take away Sam’s right to choose by selecting journalism for her graduate studies? Was it her right to choose or was it a gift to accept or reject as offered?
4. How hard is it to recognize a “Josh”—a Wickham, a Willoughby, a Henry Crawford? Why do we let these real-life characters impose on us? Injure us? Is there a difference in the two?
5. Sam said that Kyle would need “more courage to learn to surrender” than he’d needed to survive his abusive childhood or write about it. What does
surrender
mean? Do you agree with Sam?
6. Alex told Sam that he doesn’t like to disappoint people. Is that a failing or a virtue? How would Alex answer?
7. Sam wrote that the Muirs dropped “hope and hints like bread crumbs” regarding their faith. What does that
mean? Do you think this was the right approach for the Muirs to take to introduce love and Christ to Sam? Could Sam have heard or understood a more overt approach? What stands in your way when hearing and absorbing such messages?
8. Was Mr. Knightley right to continue in his anonymity? If not, at what point did it go too far? Is it justifiable to withhold the truth from someone when you believe it’s in that person’s best interest?
9. Sam stated that Austen was brilliant partly because she so accurately reflected human nature and “human nature doesn’t change.” Do you believe that? Can our natures change? If so, what might change them?
10. So many characters change in this story: Sam, Alex, Kyle, Ashley. This suggests the notion that we are all constantly changing, defining, and redefining ourselves. Do you believe that? If so, at what point, does it end?
11. At the end of the story, the professor told Sam she could walk away, that she had the right. Did his advice surprise you? Why? Why did he give her that advice? Was he unfair toward Alex?
12. In the beginning of the story, Sam declared that she does not forgive but in the end she forgave Alex. What changed for her? What barriers to forgiveness do you struggle with?
Are there many similarities between you and Sam?
That’s a tough one because I think so many struggles are universal. I hoped to show an aspect of that through Ashley and Sam’s friendship. I can certainly relate to feelings of uncertainty, insecurity, and the search for what I believe and to whom I belong. That said, Sam and I do not share a similar history and any mistakes in the logistics of her childhood are my own. I spoke to so many people and read quite a lot, but I know there is much I couldn’t capture.
Is there anything autobiographical in the story?
Very little, but I did attend Northwestern and I have run a marathon—and I earned my black belt in tae kwon do a few years ago. Hmm . . . I may have to redefine “very little.” There is another incident that cracks me up: The scene when Sam corrects Alex and Professor Muir on their Shakespeare is from my life. I am sure many of you recall a similar moment in the wonderful 1995 movie
Clueless
but, as my husband can attest, it happened to me first—on the night I met my future in-laws. I was so nervous that I said nothing until I opened my mouth and set their
Othello
straight. Humiliated, I then closed my mouth for the rest of the evening.
What was your inspiration for writing Sam’s story?
In 2009, I was seriously injured and, while most people receive flowers in the hospital, my friends brought me books. I
left my three-day stay with over thirty titles—and a bit of time on my hands for recovery. Yet, despite all these new stories, I wanted to spend time with old favorites, including
Daddy Long Legs
by Jean Webster. The idea grew from there. As for Sam’s hiding behind characters, I do not do that, but I have been known to belt out song lyrics when someone conversationally uses a phrase. It’s highly embarrassing for my kids, but don’t let them fool you . . . They do it too.
What is the story behind Sam’s faith? You bring many themes into the book, primarily forgiveness.
Forgiveness is paramount. We can think of it writ large in terms of our relationship with God and Christ or more tangibly in terms of our daily interactions with friends, family, and ourselves. It’s an ever-developing aspect of our faith and I did not feel led to finish Sam’s journey in this regard. She forgave Alex, but there is still much more for her to lay down. Great people surround her though, so I’m not worried.