Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (17 page)

“‘She’s a child, a baby. Leave her alone, Ralph. Take your anger out on me. It was my idea to leave.
OH PLEASE, RALPH! DON’T DO THIS
!”

“Evie is confused. What was he going to do? He didn’t seem angry at all, so maybe he wasn’t going to hit her. He isn’t screaming at her. He isn’t even yelling back at Grace as she pleads from the closet. He hates when the baby cries and often demanded that somebody shut the kid up… but he seems not to notice the loud cries coming from his little son in the dark closet. He just keeps looking at her with that creepy smile that makes Evie feel sick.”

“‘Run, Evie. Run to Carla!”

“The scream from the closet hits Evie with a force that sends fear to her core. In an instant she is pulled back to reality and turns to run, but it is too late. Ralph has her now; he is dragging her to the bathroom.”

I began to weep as I told the rest of the memory. I was only observing and not feeling the pain. Maybe that was the point where Evie started protecting me.

“He has his belt off; maybe he is going to spank her. He puts the belt around her wrist and pushes her to the floor. Oh, Evie, no. Fight him. Don’t let this happen! Grace is pushing with all her might on the closet door, pleading for him to let her out! He loops the end of the belt around the pipe under the sink and ties it. Evie can feel the coolness of the pipe on her hand, and she holds the pipe as if bracing herself for something. She can feel water as it drips from the pipe onto her arm. For a few seconds, Evie watches as the drop makes a track down her arm. It is as if she is trying to distance herself from her body.”

Only two seconds may have actually passed as Evie watched the drop, but to me, and possible to Evie, it was a long while. We were both bracing ourselves.

“‘If he is tying my hands with his belt does that mean he is going to beat me with something else?’ Evie is thinking. There is too much to take in.”

“I want to help her, Dr. Anna. What can I do to help her?”

“Let her remember, Katherine. That is how you can help her. Let her be heard.”

“She is so afraid, Dr. Anna. It’s too much for her. I feel her heart beating so hard, and she can’t breathe.”

I began to struggle on the divan. Dr. Anna told me that she’d been afraid that I would come out of the hypnosis too soon.

“Come on, sweetie. Just a little longer and it will be over,” Dr. Anna said.

“He’s pulling her pants and her panties off. I know what he is going to do, Dr. Anna.
I have to stop it… I have to stop him.

“Katherine, this has already happened. It’s the memory. Remember you are safe here, and you are just listening to Evie. Let her tell you what happened.”

I calmed down just a little at the
doctor’s suggestion, but my heart was still pounding, and I felt nauseated as I watched the memory unfold.

“He is heavy on her and the smell is sickening
.
The whiskey and smoke breath is overwhelming, and she is trying to turn away, but he keeps putting his mouth on hers. He keeps telling her she wants this. He is so strong, and he is becoming angry again because she is kicking and fighting him. She bites him when he tries to kiss her again, and he slaps her hard. Evie can taste blood in her mouth.”

Suddenly I became very still and held my breath. Then tears ran down my face. I embraced my body and repeated a chant over and over.

“No, oh please, God, no.”

As I rocked, Dr. Anna realized that I’d witnessed the horrible truth of what Ralph had done to Evie.

“Dr. Anna, she has stopped moving. Why has she stopped fighting him?”

“Where are you, Katherine. Are you in the bathroom?”

“I am above them looking down. I don’t want to watch, but I can’t turn away. I see Ralph on top of her but she is lifeless. I know it is hurting her. I feel the pain too.

“She is just a little girl and he is a large man. He is taking her innocence. She is just lying there still and quiet while he uses her small, frail body. Her eyes meet mine, and for the first time I think she sees me watching. Something changes in her eyes. The light in them grows dim, and it is as if her spirit leaves her body
and I take it from her. Something changes between us. It’s like she is gone now. Not physically, of course, but somehow the essence of her needed to escape this horror, so I will keep it for her now, safe and free from further pain. I have been keeping her safe, Dr. Anna.”

I started to cry openly as I lay on the divan. It was a deep, mournful cry, and Dr. Anna knew I was crying not only for Evie, but, at last, also for myself.

Almost ten minutes passed. It appeared that I had fallen asleep or maybe passed out from the emotional beating I had endured. Dr. Anna was patient and gave me the time I needed, but she knew there were still things that needed to be remembered. What caused the fire, for instance? She knew Evie needed to remember the fire before she
could heal.

“Katherine, you have been quiet for a while, what is happening now? I can tell you are still feeling fear or concern. Who is in the room with you?”

“It’s dark outside now. Ralph has let Grace out of the closet but he won’t let her go near Evie. The baby has fallen asleep, and Ralph tells Grace to lie him in his crib and come to bed. Grace is crying quietly. Her face is wet from tears, but she doesn’t want to anger him so she goes to bed. Ralph has taken the belt off of Evie, but she is lying still and quiet on the bathroom floor, her panties near her foot on one leg. Grace can see she is breathing, but she is worried about how badly Evie may be hurt. She is going to wait for Ralph to pass out, and then check on her.

Ralph drank the entire bottle of whiskey and pulled a second
one from the shelf in the closet. After one drink from it, he passes out with the bottle still open in his hand and his arms and legs wrapped around Grace as she lies beside him. She can see Evie is starting to move, but his limbs imprison her. He doesn’t trust her
not to leave, and he has secured her to him so tightly that any movement alerts him and he tightens his hold on her.”

“Where are you, Katherine?”

“I’m still above Evie, watching her, waiting for her to get up. Her eyes are so empty. It feels as if her spirit is gone but her body is still alive. I think her spirit has come to live in me now, Dr. Anna. I’m not Evie, but I am taking care of her now. I have become her body, and her spirit is in me. We finally rose up to look around the room. Evie put our panties and pants back on and then turned to wash our hands as if we had only just used the toilet. Our mother is looking at us with so much pain in her eyes.”

Dr. Anna took notice that I was now including myself in the memory. It was as if we were together. It was still not like we were one and the same, but as if we were a team.

“Grace whispered through her tears, ‘I’m so very sorry baby, are you okay?’

“We can still hear the fear in her voice. We walk toward her and nod our head to tell her we are okay. Grace looks so defeated, so helpless in his grip. We want to save her, but we don’t know what to do. Evie talked to her for us.

“‘Mama, I want us to leave now. Can we please go?’

“Evie asked the question in an almost robotic voice. Grace knows something is different about Evie. She can see it in her eyes. She knows something has changed, that Evie is no longer the same person. The evil man who is holding her prisoner has tortured her daughter. He has murdered the beautiful spirit of her child. Grace attempts to loosen her flesh chains, but that only causes
him to tighten them more, and this time it causes him to spill some of the contents of his bottle on the sheets in front of Grace. Evie rushes over to tilt the bottle upright. Grace looks as if a sudden flicker of hope has entered her mind.”

“‘Evie, will you see if you can ease the bottle from his fingers?’

His grip on the bottle has relaxed enough that she is able to take it from him.

“‘Now I need you to go to the other side of the bed and pour the rest of it on his side of the bed. Try not to get it too close to his body so not to alert him.
Be careful not to do it too fast. We don’t want to wake him.’

“Evie nods at the odd request and does as she is told. ‘Okay, Mama, I did it.’

“‘Now, go get his lighter out of his pants pocket. They’re hanging on the back of the chair.’

“We knew what she is going to do. We will burn him up and escape. Evie does what she asks her to do and brings the lighter to Grace. Our mother’s eyes are wet, but she is not crying.

“‘Evelyn Belle Moon, I love you always and forever. I love you more than I love my own life, and I love your brother. Promise me that you believe it.’

“We say what our mother needs to hear.

“‘I promise forever and always, Mama.’

“‘Now, go get your brother out of his crib and bring him over here for me to see.’

“We do as she asks. Baby Stephen is so exhausted by the earlier event that he never makes a sound when we lift him from his crib in the corner of the room. Grace gives him a tender kiss as we hold him near her, and she also gives us one when we lower our head near her face.

“‘Now go outside and wait for help. Don’t come back in, no matter what. Promise me.’

“‘Mama, you’re coming too. I won’t leave without you.’

“We say it together, but I think Mama only hears Evie. Grace is smiling and nodding her head like she agrees, but we don’t see how she can get away. His arms and legs are so tight around her, she can’t move.

“‘Don’t you worry, Evie. We are all getting away from him tonight. Everything will be better soon, sweet girl. Go outside and wait like I told you to.’

“We turn to leave. We are a few steps away from the door when we hear Ralph say two words, ‘What the…!’ and then a loud noise like wind whooshing. We hear them both scream. We lay the baby in the floor and run back into the room.

“The bed is on fire! We have to save Mama! We grab on to Mama’s arm and try to pull her free. Even in his frantic pain, Ralph will not let her go. We pull on his arm, trying to free his grip, but the pain in our hands is too much and we have to let go. We can see her beautiful blue eyes pleading with us to go, just as the flames engulf her. Grace is able to say one word before the flames take her forever.

“‘Run!’

“We don’t want to leave Mama, but the smoke is chocking us, and we hear the baby screaming from the hallway where we left him, so we do what she asks us to do. We run to him and we leave the house as the flames grow swiftly into the other rooms.

“I stand like a statue on the sidewalk while people rush around yelling for help. I think Evie stayed in there with Mama. I don’t feel her anymore. It’s just me out here watching the flames and holding the baby. I can hear the sirens coming down the street. The first policeman to arrive is trying to get everyone away from the house in case anything explodes. He is talking to someone on a phone, telling him or her to be sure the gas is shut off on the entire street.

“Ms. Carla walks the baby and me to her house, then sits and holds both of us while she cries and cries as if her heart is broken. I suddenly feel the horrible pain from the burns on my hands. I start to scream, which makes Stephan start to cry again. The fireman comes rushing into Ms. Carla’s house and yells at me to let go of Stephen when he realizes how badly my hands are burned. He told me he was sorry afterward, but he didn’t want to hurt me by trying to pry Stephen from my hands. Once I let them take my brother and put him in the arms of a paramedic, they rush him to an ambulance.

“They place me in the ambulance also, and the men pour cool water over my hands and put a mask over my face that blows air into my nose. I am in pain, but I don’t make another sound. It is as if someone else is feeling the pain for me. I remember it all, and I can no longer hold back the tears. I begin to cry and moan from a pain so deep that it seems to make my insides ache. I feel so strange. It feels like a dream and I just…”

I stopped talking and lay quiet and still.

“Katherine, you are safe now, so let the pain leave you. You will remember everything, but you will be able to bear it. When I count to three you will be fully awake and refreshed. One… Two… Three.”

Chapter Twelve

“Jason, this is Dr. Anna Martin. I was wondering if Katherine had made it home yet.”

“Isn’t she still with you?”

Jason had been so into the ball game on the television that he hadn’t noticed that his wife should have been home two hours ago. Gracie was at his parents’ house for the day, and he had done yard work, cleaned up, and then sat down to watch a game while eating lunch.

“Jason, I am concerned about her, so when she gets home have her call me, please.”

“What happened? Why would you be worried? Did she remember this time?”

Dr. Anna was hesitant with her response.

“I can’t give you details, Jason, but it was an upsetting session, and she left abruptly as soon as I brought her out of the hypnosis. I would just like to be sure she is all right.”

“Sure thing, doctor. I’ll tell her to give you a call.”

Jason was not sure what to do. Kat wasn’t answering her cell phone. He’d left three messages pleading with her to call and let him know she was all right. He was about to call and see if she had gone to her mom’s, but as he reached for the phone it rang.

“Jason, this is Carla Wilson from Harmony. I am a friend of Katherine’s. I wanted to let you know she is here.”

“She’s at your house?” Jason asked. “Can I talk to her, please?”

“Well, she isn’t exactly at my house; she is standing on the sidewalk in front of the lot where the house burned down. I have tried several times to get her to come in and talk to me, but she just said she needs to be there right now, so I left her alone. She has been writing in a notebook some, and she will pace back and forth talking to herself, then she will cry. I think you need to come see about her. I really do.”

“Yes ma’am, I am on my way,” he assured her.

Jason arrived in Harmony forty-five minutes later. He pulled up in front of Carla’s house, but he didn’t see his wife anywhere.
Maybe she is in the house talking to Carla
, Jason reasoned. Her car was still parked in front of the empty lot that had once held her childhood nightmares. Carla came out on the porch to greet Jason and pointed to her flower garden in the far corner. There sat Katherine on the ground, clutching a notebook to her chest and rocking back and forth as if giving herself comfort.

“She has been sitting there since just after I called you. First she cried loudly. I almost went back over to her but figured she needed the alone time. Then she wrote in that notebook for a long while, and then she just started rocking back and forth like a woman does when she is holding a child. Something terrible must have happened in that house, and I’m guessing she finally remembered what it was.”

Jason eased his way over to where Kat was sitting. As he got closer, he could hear her singing a lullaby very low, and she was holding herself as if she were giving herself a hug. He slowly sat down across from her and waited for her to say something. Her face was wet from the tears she’d shed, and her eyes were puffy, almost swollen together. After several minutes passed without him being acknowledged, Jason spoke to his wife in a low voice.

“Kat, are you okay, sweetheart? Dr. Anna called; she is really worried about you. Kat… did something happened today? Please talk to me.”

Katherine sat for several more minutes before she responded to him. She looked into his eyes, and he could see she was somehow different. Something had happened that would forever change who she was. He wasn’t sure if it would be for the good or bad, but he wanted desperately to comfort her. He wanted to tell her everything would be okay and he was there for her no matter what had happened to her as a child, but instead he just watched her, not sure what to do. She looked so fragile and so broken, but something in his gut told him he should not touch her until she gave him a signal of some kind. She ran her fingers gently across the flowers Carla had planted.

Katherine had been thinking the garden was in the exact place that her mother’s room had been.

“It almost seems like a sanctuary here among these flowers, doesn’t it?” she asked.

“I guess so,” was all Jason could think to say. He eased himself just a little closer to her.

“Jason, I remembered it all. I completely remember all of the years I spent in the house that stood here. I remember that I was Evie, and I was a happy healthy little girl with bouncy blond curls and blue eyes that shined, and I totally adored my mama.”

Her voice cracked, and it took a few seconds before she could continue.

“I remember she was good to me and we colored and played games, and she would paint my fingernails and comb my hair. I remember helping her make cookies, and she would let me put on her apron and wash dishes with her. She never got mad when I got water all over the floor. I remember she would hold my hand and we would dance around the room to music on the radio, and we would sing and laugh and it was wonderful.”

“Well, that sounds really nice, Kat.”

Jason knew she was far from finished and that she was working up to the reason for the profound sadness and the tears. Kat sat silent for several more minutes, as if she wanted to enjoy that moment before she continued. He watched as his wife sat silently with tears trailing her cheeks. She swallowed hard and prepared herself to continue.

“I remember when he came to live with us too. When Ralph Dark entered our lives.”

Kat wrapped her arms more tightly around her body and patted herself in a comforting motion. She continued talking, but she wasn’t looking at Jason anymore. Instead she was staring out in front of her as if watching a replay of the things she now knew to be her past. She watched the characters play their parts as she told of her remembered childhood.

She told Jason the horrible story of Ralph Dark and the abuse; she told it as if it happened to Evie and not to her, but Jason could tell she too felt every emotion as she shared each detail. Kat explained the pain and the fear. She explained the hope so short lived and then the despair. The horrible story as it happened to poor Evie. It was almost like she was watching this horrific abuse from somewhere in the room and she was forced to observe.

“The first few weeks he was nice, but Evie could tell he was just acting, and she wasn’t very nice back.”

Katherine smiled at that memory as if it had given her some satisfaction.

“But then he started treating her differently when Grace couldn’t see. He made her feel scared all the time. I remember it all now, Jason, every cruel word, every mean-spirited act, every beating, every bath…”

Her voice trailed off, and she looked at Jason as if wanting him to make the connection between the memory and the obsession she had always had about privacy in the bathroom. He understood completely and gave a tight smile and a small nod to confirm it for her. She just sat looking at him for several minutes, trying to make all the pieces of her past and how it had affected her life and her relationships fit.

Finally Jason had to say something. He wanted her to keep talking and to continue to share with him.

“Did you finally remember the fire, Kat?”

She didn’t really answer the question; she just began with her explanation.

“I always assumed I’d started the fire. I didn’t know why I thought that, but since my hands were scared, it just made sense that I’d somehow caught the house on fire. I have been tormenting myself with guilt that I might have been the reason my mother died. But it wasn’t me, Jason. I tried to save her. That’s how I burned my hands.”

She seemed almost proud of that revelation. But then her expression quickly went back to the extreme distress she had shown in her eyes, and she turned away not wanting to look at Jason. Her voice started to sound almost apologetic.

“You know how I always told you that you were the first and only man I had been with, you know… sexually? Well, it turns out that wasn’t the truth.” Jason realized instantly what she meant: Ralph Dark had raped her as a child. Something they had both feared might be part of the hidden memories.

“Kat, I was still the first. It doesn’t count when you’re forced by a monster. It wasn’t your fault, you know that… right?”

Katherine saw the tenderness and the empathy in her husband’s eyes; he wanted to sooth her, but he wasn’t sure what to do. She wouldn’t hug him yet. She needed to tell him everything, and if she let herself fall into his strong arms, she would crumble into uncontrollable tears.

“Jason, I know this won’t make sense to you, and I’m pretty sure Dr. Anna will have trouble with it, but Evie ceased to exist that day. It was as if she died.”

“You couldn’t have died Kat; you’re here with me, safe and sound. And you understand that you are Evie… don’t you?”

“I don’t really know how to make you understand, but I watched as Ralph Dark raped Evie, and at that time we were still both separate spirits. I was kind of floating above them looking down at the horror but not really feeling it. I admit that at first I just thought it was part of being hypnotized and it was how I recalled the memory. But at some point during the attack, our eyes met and I knew we were separate for a reason. She couldn’t handle what was happening to her body, so she just gave up. I could tell her body no longer held her precious spirit, her essence I guess you could call it.

When it was over, she was physically alive but it was as if her body was an empty shell; her eyes were blank, as if nothing lived in them anymore. I realized I had taken her place. She wanted me to survive. She would take the bad things with her, the pain and the horrible memory. From that day forward I would exist in that body and take care of her. I think she was also protecting me, waiting till it was safe for us to remember what happened.”

Jason was confused by the fact that Kat still talked about Evie as a different person.

“I thought once you remembered all of it you and Evie would, you know,
merge
into one or something. Why do you still talk about her like a separate person? It sounds like you believe this all happened to another person. You do realize it happened to you, Kat? The scares should be proof of that.”

He took her hands and softly ran a finger over a scare.

“I think we will always be separate. We are the same person, the same body, I do understand that now. We had the same wonderful mom and our dad was the same. But it’s kind of like she lived the first ten years in this body, and I took over from there. Now that I remember the truth about what happened, it’s like we share it now. Separate but together. Does that make sense?”

Jason said he understood, but his face didn’t look very convincing.

“I love you, Kat” is all he knew to say.

“Promise,” Kat said and then gave into the hug she’d needed since Jason walked up to her. It was time for her to grieve, and she let the tears flow freely for a long time. Jason sat still and let her cry while he held her in his arms like a child. In that moment, Kat thought that she probably was one. It felt as if Evie was crying along with her over the sad truth of what had happened in that house. They were both weeping for the mother who’d loved them so much that she’d given her life in an effort to save theirs.

Katherine told Jason that she was going to stop by Dr. Anna’s office before coming home. She needed to apologize for scaring her so badly, and she also wanted to explain what had happened to Evie. Katherine hugged and Carla thanked her for calling Jason. While she had her strong husband there to support her, she told Carla the awful truth about the fire and what led up to it. Carla was overcome with guilt and regret.

“I should have insisted that your mother take the money and leave sooner. Then maybe none of this would have happened. I just feel so guilty for not doing more for Grace and for you.”

“Carla, it wasn’t you fault. I don’t think anyone realized just how evil Ralph Dark truly was. I don’t know what we would have done without you.”

Kat promised Carla that she would return soon and tell her more of what she remembered, but now she needed to get back to Dr. Anna.

Jason went to pick up Gracie and promised he would have dinner ready when she returned home. He was such a good husband. Jason was a decent, wonderful man, and Kat had never realized until her memory returned just how blessed a woman is when she finds such a man. Dr. Anna was still at her office waiting for Katherine. She’d called her from Harmony and asked if she could finish their session. Kat apologized for the abrupt interruption earlier.