Dear Evie: The Lost Memories of a Lost Child (10 page)

Evie looked at the dark room, watching for shadows of the things she feared. All children seem to fear the monsters in the dark. Those evil things that hide under the bed or in the closet; but in Evie’s world, the monster was real and it had a name. Her monster was Ralph, and the fear of him was the only thing keeping her from going to her mother’s room. Then a small moan from the room next door to hers left Evie no choice. She eased out of her bed, almost afraid to move across the floor to the light switch next to her door. The moon that had seemed so bright earlier must have hidden behind clouds while she slept because no light came in to help her as she walked toward the door. She walked slowly across the cool wood floor with her arms stretched out, feeling her way. Was he in her room watching her, waiting to hit her with the belt as she crossed his path? The fear almost lifted her off the floor, it was so powerful.

Finally Evie felt the wall in front of her, and she moved her hand across it until she felt the door then the doorknob. She opened the door and looked first toward the bathroom where Mama washed the clothes. She was so glad the light was on, because so many times the clothes hanging all around the room would make scary shadows if the light was off. Next she looked toward Mama’s room. It looked like such a long way away and with each step she feared he would jump out and grab her. She tried to tiptoe to her mom’s room hoping that Ralph would be gone. When she finally reached the door and opened it, she saw that her mother was alone in the room, crumpled up in the corner with her head hung down and her hair hiding her face. Evie ran to her to be sure she was alive. Her eyes were black and swollen to tiny slits. She had cuts everywhere, and Evie could see the imprint of the belt buckle in her skin. There was dried blood in her hair and on her hands. Her lips were cut and swollen too. Evie gasp at the sight of her mom and started to cry.

“Don’t cry, baby, I’m going to be okay”

Evie caught her breath and just stared at Grace for a few minutes, unsure what to do. Then she ran to the bathroom and wet a washcloth with cold water. It was too late to stop swelling, but she had to do something. She cleaned her mother for an hour with no other words between them. Evie had tears streaming down her face as she ran back and forth to the sink. Finally she helped her mother up and into the bed.

“Mama I am so sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. Can you forgive me, Mama?”

“Shh,” her mother said. “I love you, Evelyn Belle Moon. Promise you believe me.”

With almost uncontrolled weeping Evie managed to say, “I promise Mama.”

When I woke up, Jason was shaking me lightly.

“What do you promise? Kat, are you okay? Why are you crying? Is something wrong?”

I woke up beside the bed just as Evie had been in the dream as she tried to comfort Grace. Jason was beside me trying to calm me down, not knowing what to make of my heartbreaking tears.

“I’m fine. I just had a bad dream I guess.”

Bad dream didn’t even begin to describe the nightmare, but for the moment that was all I knew to say. Jason held me for several minutes, asking me if I wanted to tell him about it. Jason told me that it might make me feel better to talk about the nightmare. I wasn’t sure how I felt about what I had experienced. It wasn’t really like a dream. Not even like a memory. It was more like I was allowed to watch someone else as they experienced the horrific event. I was exhausted and almost sore from the emotions that had pulled at me. I knew Jason wanted to help, and he was right—it probably would make me feel somewhat better if I talked about it. But it wasn’t my husband I wanted to talk to about it. I needed to talk to Evie.

Once Jason had fallen back to sleep, I went downstairs and sat in the dark for a long time just crying. My nerves were raw, and I just needed to weep for the woman who was supposed to be my birth mother and for the little girl I am told was me before the age of ten. One truth was made clear to me from the reliving of that horrible time: I knew now that I had loved my birth mother with all my heart, and she had loved me. I just don’t know what happened to Grace or why Evie left at age ten to be replaced by Katherine who had moved in with the Tipton’s. I made myself a strong cup of coffee and took my seat near the window where my journal was waiting. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to her.

Dear Evie:

Our mother truly did love us. I’m not sure why I forgot all these things or why I am remembering them now. I just want you to know that I am hearing you. Ralph was so evil, and you should never feel bad about what you said to him. You are not to blame for what he
did, and I am sure Grace knew that. You were so very brave to speak out to him at your party. I am proud of you. Even though it is upsetting and frightening, I want to know everything that happened. I want you to know that it is safe now for you to speak out. You no longer have to be afraid to say what you feel. No one will ever hurt you or Grace again. Tell me what I need to know and together we can heal.

Katherine

Dr. Anna read all my notes, including the letters to Evie. She was amazed at all I had managed to uncover on my trip. It seemed some of the puzzle pieces were starting to fit together. She pulled out one of the pictures she’d saved from my childhood sessions.

“This one confused me before. Perhaps now it will make more sense.”

It was a face that took up most of the page. The mouth on the face covered more than half of it. Inside the mouth was a birthday cake, a belt with a large buckle, and a little girl crying. There was a stream of red coming from the cake that I thought might be blood. It was Evie trying to relay the horrible birthday memory.

I sat across from Dr. Anna as she continued to read. Sophie curled up in my lap as she always did in our sessions. I felt connected to the old cat. I was starting to have a few memories outside of the dreams. Not many of them were from when I lived in Harmony. Those memories seemed to come only in the form of nightmares and still felt like they were someone else’s memories and not my own. I was, however, remembering my early years as Katherine, and I even had some memories of my visits with Dr. Anna as a young child. Sophie was a young kitten when my sessions began, and I remembered playing with her in the room upstairs.

“Katherine, I wonder if you might consider trying something different in our next session?”

I must have given her a concerned look because she kind of chuckled.

“It’s nothing scary, dear, just hypnosis. I want to see if you can recall more under hypnosis. The memories are there, and I feel this could help bring them to the surface. What do you think? Would that be all right with you?”

I agreed to it and made an appointment for the end of that same week. I told her I wanted to do it before I had too much time to think about it.

“I tend to build things up if I have to wait too long, to the point that I make myself a nervous wreck.”

I was worried about what I might remember. The dreams had all been horrible to witness, and the things that Carla Wilson had revealed to me were terrible. I wasn’t sure if being hypnotized would cause me to relive things that had been so horrific that my mind had hidden them. Dr. Anna had explained that sometimes an event can be so traumatic that the mind will prevent a person from remembering it in order to save him or her from the pain, but one thing was for sure; I had to find out what happened to Evie. I had promised her she would be heard and it was a promise I intended to keep.

“A child can not heal until she is heard,” I reminded myself in a soft voice no one else could hear. “I hope hypnosis will give you an opportunity to speak, little Evie.”

Chapter Seven

Time was ticking by so slowly. I had not dreamed of Evie in two weeks. Dr. Anna had canceled my last appointment.

“Katherine, I’m afraid I have some sad news. I woke this morning to find that Sophie had passed away in the night. I hope you won’t mind if we reschedule you for the end of next week. Sophie was so important to my patients, and I will have to notify the parents so they have time to break the news to their children. I thought I would even offer a special grief session soon, but for now I need some time to grieve my old friend and since you were so close to her, I want you to have that time as well.”

She was right. I needed time to grieve. For some reason that sweet ball of fur represented something precious to me. We had grown up together in a sense. I had started going to Dr. Anna when Sophie was only three months old. One of the memories I had retrieved was playing in the room upstairs with the kitten chasing after a ball of yarn and climbing up my pant leg to sit in my lap. She would look on as I drew my pictures of horror, and I recalled that the look she would give me made me think she understood somehow. She had brought me comfort that no person had been able to, and she had done the same in the few months since I had been coming to Dr. Anna as an adult. Each time she leaped in my lap and curled up, I felt a calm that I knew I would miss. I worried that I would not be able to open up as much without my furry friend curled up in my lap.

When the day of my appointment finally came, it was painful to walk into the kitchen for my usual cup of coffee and see no bed on the floor for a beloved friend. When Dr. Anna came to greet me, we hugged and shed a few tears, but then she took my shoulders in her hands and smiled.

“Sophia will always be remembered in a positive light. Now let’s get to work on other things that need to be remembered.”

I smiled through my tears and nodded in agreement, but I had a feeling those memories would not be in a positive light at all. I was so afraid of what I might remember, but at the same time I was ready to know the truth. When we went into her office, she asked me to lie down on the divan and make myself comfortable.

“There is an afghan if you feel the need to cover up and feel free to use the pillow from the chair if you need one. It is important that you make yourself comfortable.”

When I lay down, I almost had the urge to giggle. It seemed so cliché; like something from a movie. I didn’t use the pillow because the head rest built into the divan was enough, but I did take advantage of the warm brown and black afghan and spread it across me. I needed to feel that slight pressure and warmth usually provided by Sophie.

“Katherine, I can tell you are reluctant about this, but I am asking you to trust me. Hypnosis can be a powerful tool in seeking the truth and opening your mind to things that have been locked up for years. It is important that you listen to me and do the things I ask you to do in order for this to work.”

“I will, Dr. Anna. I want this to work too. I need to know what happened to Evie.”

She always seemed a little uneasy when I referred to Evie as if she was someone else and not me, but unlike my parents and my husband, Dr. Anna never said anything to me about it.

“I want you to put your arms at your side with your palms side down. Now I am going to ask you to close your eyes and relax your body and mind as much as possible.”

I did as she asked me to and was actually surprised at how quickly I relaxed on the creamy leather. I quickly realized I didn’t need the afghan after all. Her voice was like a soft blanket covering me, almost giving me a sense of heaviness like I couldn’t move. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. It was like the feeling you have when you crawl under a comforter on a cold night. Suddenly I was warm and cozy.

“Feel your muscles relax, starting with your feet,” she began.

“Now your legs working up to your arms and shoulders, and then, finally, feel your face relax. You are falling into a restful sleep.”

She would lightly place her hand on me when she mentioned a certain part of my body. I would feel her put just a slight pressure on my leg, then my arm and shoulder, and finally on my forehead. It was odd how the ever so slight weight of her hand caused my body to give in to the feeling. I could actually feel my limbs relax.

“Listen to the sound of my voice and allow your mind to accept what I suggest to you. You will feel yourself giving in to sleep, but you will continue to hear my voice and follow my suggestions. When I count to three, you will be fully asleep. One… Two… Three…”

I was floating on a cloud. It was the most serene feeling I had ever experienced. I could hear Dr. Anna’s calm whispered voice somewhere in the back of my mind giving me my directions.

“I am talking to Evie,” the voice instructed. “Evie, do you remember coming to live in the big house with your mama?”

Suddenly
I
was walking down a hallway of the house at 104 Maple Avenue. I noticed my reflection in a mirror located on the bathroom wall just above the sick. I could see Evie in the mirror, and she was small and blond with a head full of curls. Her eyes were blue and excited with discovery. Evie was remembering, but I knew somehow that I was there with her. I saw our mom and the woman from next door talking about Mama and Evie living there.

It was a wonderful house, and the lady that Mama called Carla was nice to us. I liked my bedroom because it had pink flowers on the wallpaper and it was close to Mama’s room. Mama had her own bathroom in her room. It was nicer than any place we had ever lived in. It was so much bigger than the apartment we had before daddy went to heaven. It even had a yard to play in. Evie was wishing her daddy could live there with them too.

“Are you happy in this memory?” I heard a faraway voice ask the question.

“I am happy,” I said. I had been sad because my daddy had been killed and went to heaven. I loved my Daddy, and I cried at night because he didn’t read to me anymore. But Mama said this was a new day, and she picked me up and twirled around the room with me. I loved my Mama.

“How old are you, Evie?”

“I’m almost four.”

“Evie, I want you to move forward now. You are five years old. Mama has a new friend. Can you see him?”

It was as if someone pushed fast forward on a movie. I saw myself grow a little taller, a little older and my face implied I was not as happy. I could see the man moving his things into our house. Mama seemed very happy, but I had a funny feeling about him. He made my stomach feel tight. He was always giving me mean looks when Mama wasn’t looking.

“Mama has a boyfriend, and I wish he would go away.”

“Why, dear? Why do you want him to go away?”

“He scares me and he talks loud at me. He smells like the drink Mama said was only for grownups. He drinks it a lot, and the more he drinks it, the louder he talks. He seems mad at me all the time.”

“How does he treat you, Evie? Is he nice to you?”

“He pretends to be nice when Mama is in the room, but he says scary things to me about spanking me if I give him any lip. He uses bad words too. And… he… he.”

“What is it, Evie? What else does he do?”

“I’m not supposed to tell. He said it was our special time and a secret.”

“Remember, Evie, you are safe here. It’s okay to tell now. He won’t find out if you tell me.”

“He always wants to watch me take my bath and I don’t like it. It makes me feel sick in my tummy. When I tried to call Mama from the bathtub, he held me under the water and I couldn’t breathe, so I don’t call for her anymore.”

I heard Evie as she told Dr. Anna all the things I had dreamed about. It was as if I were sitting in a corner just listening to a conversation between Evie and Dr. Anna. Evie continued to tell her how Ralph Dark had watched her take her bath and made the funny faces and noises while his hand was in his pants. I felt sick and Evie became upset, so Dr. Anna decided it was time to move forward again.

“Okay, Evie, let’s move forward a little more to when you were nine years old. Can you see it?”

“Mama is giving me a party. I got to invite Rachel and Emily from my class at school. They are my best friends, and this is the first time I have had friends over. Mama made a cake and bought ice cream. There is a present in a brown paper bag that Mama colored with lots of pictures of brightly colored flowers. She has been working on it in secret, and I can’t wait to see what it is. I also have a gift from my friends. Three presents is a lot, and I can’t wait till it’s time to open them.”

“What’s wrong, dear? You seem upset now. Did something happen? Is someone else at your party?”

“It’s Ralph and he is drunk and cursing in front of my friends. I am so embarrassed and angry. I yelled at him and now I know I am in trouble. He looked at me like he wanted to hurt me but he didn’t. I think it is because of my friends. He wasn’t going to spank me in front of them. He tells me all the time that I better not tell people that he spanks me or about him helping me with my bath. He said the police will take me away from Mama if I tell. Ralph left the room, but he won’t forget. I know he won’t, and he will punish me for talking back. I’ve never seen him so mad before.

“Does he hit you, Evie
?
”

“Yes, all the time, with a belt. Sometimes when Mama isn’t home he pulls my pants down and spanks me with his hand… I hate him. He wants me to call him Daddy Ralph, but I won’t do it. He isn’t my daddy and I want him to go away.”

“Okay, Evie, let’s move forward just a little. Move forward to after your guest leave the party. What happened after the party?”

“I can’t stop crying. I am so scared because he is in my room and wants to spank me with the belt. Mama won’t let him because he is so mad and so drunk. Someone please help me. He’s beating Mama; oh, he is killing her, my poor mama. I am so sorry, Mama. I have to save my mama!”

I could feel the fear in my body, my heart pounding, the tears burning my eyes and that awful knot in my stomach that came when he was around. I was helpless. I was helpless to save my mama and helpless to change the memory. I wanted out of the nightmare and started to squirm and fight to make my body leave that place.

“Evie, you are safe now. This is only a memory, and he can’t hurt you anymore. When I count to three, you will awaken and feel completely rested. You will remember everything we talked about, but you will be able to handle it.

One… two… three…”

I opened my eyes and felt almost as if I had awakened from a long peaceful sleep.

“I remember, Dr. Anna. I remember Evie. I remember what happened to her and Grace. I watched the whole thing as it happened to them. I could feel all the emotions. I could smell the liquor and the cake. All of it was as if I were there living it for the first time.”

I had the strangest sensation as I told of my new consciousness. I was crying but also excited. I felt sad and sickened, but also proud and relieved by my revelation. I almost felt as if I had no control over my mind or my body and that they were two separate issues altogether. I suddenly realized that Dr. Anna looked a little disappointed.

“That’s good, Katherine, but I had hoped you would remember them as Evie. That your mind would come to accept that Evie is Katherine and you are not two separate people. You seem to understand that, but it is as if you’re protecting yourself by separating from Evie and only watching what happens to her, not remembering them as your own personnel memories.”

“Why did you stop me there, Dr. Anna? Why not let me continue to remember? Maybe I would have taken on the memories as my own if you had given me more time.”

She sat with her pointer finger from each hand touching her lips, as if contemplating how to answer the question.

“I want you to listen to this, Katherine.”

She played back part of the recorded session. I remembered the events but had not realized how emotional I had become while reliving them. The voice on the recording was childlike. It was Evie, and she was going through all those horrific events again and feeling all the fear and pain experienced at the hands of that monster. I was shocked to hear her trembling voice screaming, crying, and begging for mercy for her mama. There were times when it seemed my voice would join in as if I were talking to Evie, trying to comfort and encourage her. I’ve heard jokes about people talking to themselves, but this took on a twist I’d never expected. To listen to this child as she whispered her fears and cried for the mother who had taken the punishment for her, and then to hear my own trembling voice telling Evie to not be afraid. There were even times when we both cried in our different ways. I told Dr. Anna that it was mind blowing to me that both of the voices were actually mine. I still could not accept that I was Evie and that those horrible things were not someone else’s memories but my reality. Dr. Anna realized that I had remembered all that was safe at that point. The rest would have to wait.