“Don’t worry, you’ll have me.” Nate leered with exaggeration.
“When were you going to move in with him? Will he be out the rent if he can’t find someone?”
Nate laughed. “No, he already found someone.”
“Already? Wow, that was fast.”
“Turns out he had a backup, since, as he put it, it was only a matter of time before I took my head out of my ass and got back together with you.”
Lucas grinned. He had to remember to buy Jamie a drink next time he saw him. “He knows you better than you thought, huh?”
“I guess so.” Nate smiled. “But I don’t think I can move back in until after the holidays.”
“The holidays? It’s only the beginning of December. Isn’t Hanukkah late this year?”
“Yeah, but how will I explain moving back in with you all of a sudden? If I do it in the new year once school’s back in, I’ll just tell them the commute was getting to be too much again.”
“Or you could tell them the truth now.” Lucas’s stomach knotted as he waited for Nate’s response.
Nate’s hands froze on his belt. “What?”
“Tell them the truth. About us. Don’t you think it’s time?”
Shaking his head, Nate jerked his belt open. “No.”
“Come on. What are you so afraid of?”
Nate barked out a laugh. “You can’t seriously be asking that. What do you think?”
“Nate, your parents love you. Maybe they’ll surprise you. Being gay --”
“Keep your voice down,” Nate hissed. He sat down across from Lucas on the other bed. “You don’t understand.”
“You can’t keep hiding it forever.”
Nate was silent for a few moments. “This isn’t the right time.”
“When will it be? Nate, we’ve been together for almost a year now. We can’t keep pretending. I hate lying to them.”
Well, to Nate’s mother and brother, at least.
“You think I like it?”
“No. So why don’t you stop?”
“Because it’s not easy!” Nate ran his hand through his hair, taking a deep breath. “You remember her friend with the lesbian daughter? She talked about it the other day. What a ‘tragedy’ it was for the Greenbergs, and how she was their only daughter and now they wouldn’t have grandkids.”
“But lesbians can have babies. So could we, if we wanted. I mean, we couldn’t give birth to them, but you know what I mean.” Lucas hadn’t given it much thought, but he could see himself and Nate far down the road with a family.
“Try telling it to my mother.” Nate stood and paced. “Look, I love my mom. I really, really do. But she will not understand. You’re her darling little Lucas now, but that’s all over if she finds out the truth.”
Lucas thought in silence. “Maybe if you talked to your dad first. He could help you with your mom.”
“No, he won’t. Trust me, I know my family, okay?”
Lucas bit back his initial response. As much as he wanted to tell Nate that his father knew the truth, he couldn’t. Nate would freak if he knew Lucas had kept that secret. With resignation, he thought of Mr. Kramer’s kind eyes and sadness at the fact that Nate didn’t trust him enough with the truth. Finally Lucas said, “I still think they could surprise you.”
“Can we drop this?” Nate kicked his pants off, leaving them on the floor.
“Yeah. Sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Stretching out on his bed, Nate shook his head. “It’s not you.”
“There’s something else we need to talk about.”
Nate groaned softly. “Do we have to?”
“It’s not about your parents, I promise.”
That got a smile, at least. “Okay. What is it?”
“I’ve been thinking.”
“Dangerous activity, that.”
Lucas laughed softly. “Shut up and listen.”
“I’ll try.”
“So, I’ve been thinking. About what you said before. That we were kidding ourselves being together. That it would never work out.”
Nate rose up on his elbow and rested his head in his palm. “I didn’t mean that.”
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure.”
“It sounded as if you meant it before.” Lucas had tried not to think about it, but the nagging questions remained.
“I was angry. I was hurt.”
“Isn’t there always some truth to the things we say?”
Nate pushed himself up and sat on the side of the bed. “I’m telling you I didn’t mean it.”
“As long as you’re sure.”
“Of course I’m sure. It was… Look, before I met you, I never let anyone get close. I was afraid of getting hurt, so I told myself that relationships never work and that love is for suckers.”
Lucas smiled wryly. “And they say romance is dead.”
“But then I met you, and I realized I was wrong.”
“Really?” Lucas’s stomach fluttered.
“Yes, really. So, when things…got messed up, I told myself that I’d been right before and that we were fooling ourselves. But the only person I was fooling was myself, and not very well.”
Reaching out to the other bed, Lucas took Nate’s hand. “It won’t always be easy, but we can make this work. I know we can.”
“Damn right.”
After lying down again, Nate reached across the divide between the twin beds and Lucas took his hand once more. He squeezed tightly, and Nate squeezed back.
Chapter Thirteen
Something tickled his neck, and Lucas fidgeted, shifting sleepily. The tickling returned, accompanied by moist lips pressing soft kisses to his neck. Opening his eyes, Lucas found Nate bending over the bed, dressed for school.
“You need to shave.” Lucas smiled.
“I knew one of these years the day would finally come.”
They kissed, and Lucas urged Nate closer, shifting over on the bed so Nate could jam in on his side. Mindful of Lucas’s healing injuries, Nate propped himself up on his arms and leaned over Lucas, kissing him again.
“Mmm. Why don’t you skip school?”
“Can’t.” Nate did that thing with his tongue that always made Lucas’s dick rise to attention without fail. “We’re taking pictures at the Central Park Zoo. Field trip.”
“I wish I could go with you.”
Nate pressed a kiss to Lucas’s cheek. “So do I. You’re my favourite subject.”
“Flattery will get you everywhere.” Lucas dipped his tongue into Nate’s mouth.
After a few more kisses, Nate leaned back reluctantly. “I really have to go.”
“I guess I’ll just have to jerk off and think about you.”
“Hmm. Maybe I’ll give you a quick hand.” Nate waggled his eyebrows and pulled back the duvet, his fingers gripping Lucas through his pajamas.
Laughing, Lucas kissed him again. As the door opened, he registered the knock at the same moment he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. Nate rocketed to his feet, and they both stared at Mrs. Kramer, who was frozen in the doorway, her right hand on the knob, her left in the air in a fist, prepared to knock on the door again as she entered.
Her eyes flicked back and forth between Lucas and Nate, her mouth agape. Feeling exposed, Lucas reached down and pulled the duvet back over him, sitting up against the headboard. The movement seemed to break the spell of silence.
Mrs. Kramer’s voice wavered. “What is this?” She stared at Nate beseechingly. “Nathaniel?” Her arms dropped to her sides, hands in tight fists.
“Mom. I don’t…I… We wanted to tell you.”
“Tell me?” She shook her head. “No.”
Lucas wondered if he should speak up, but waited for Nate to say something else. Nate cleared his throat. “I know this is a shock for you. But we love each other.”
A hysterical laugh escaped her mouth. “Love? That’s not possible! This is not possible! No, you don’t know what you’re saying.”
“Please, Mrs. Kramer. We really do love each other.” Lucas felt light-headed.
Her gaze narrowed on him. “This is how you thank us for bringing you into our home and our family? By turning my son into a-a --” She stopped, grasping for words.
“A faggot? Is that the word you’re looking for, Mom?” Nate stood up straighter. “Well here’s a news flash. I was a faggot long before I met Lucas.”
Tears streamed out of her eyes, tracking traces of mascara down her cheeks. “Don’t say that! Why would you say that?”
“Because it’s the truth! I was afraid to tell you and Dad for so long because I knew how you’d react. I knew you’d hate me.”
Mrs. Kramer recoiled as if she’d been slapped. After a moment, she spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. “I could never hate you.”
Nate swiped a tear from his face. “But you can never accept me either. I’m gay, Mom. It’s just who I am.”
She shook her head, shell-shocked. “You’re confused. You’re both confused.”
“No, Mom. We’re not.” Nate reached down and Lucas took his hand. “We know exactly who we are and what we mean to each other.”
Staring at them for a long moment, Nate’s mother cried silently. Then she turned on her heel, leaving the door ajar. Lucas could hear her go downstairs and use the phone, her muffled voice obviously distressed.
Nate sank to his knees on the floor. Without a word, Lucas eased Nate’s head onto his lap and stroked his hair as he cried.
* * * * *
Forty-five minutes later, Lucas heard Mr. Kramer’s car pull into the driveway. Nate had been standing in the window, staring out blankly, saying little. Lucas had gotten dressed and now he reached for his crutches. He looked at Nate, who nodded.
Downstairs, they found Nate’s parents in the living room. Unlike the cozy den, the front living room was rarely used. Mrs. Kramer sat on the couch, back ramrod straight. Her husband, still in his work suit, unbuttoned his jacket and sat beside her.
Lucas caught Mr. Kramer’s eye as he lowered himself into the armchair. Mr. Kramer gave him a brief smile and what Lucas hoped was an understanding that they not reveal their secret conversations. He and Nate were together again, and he didn’t want to rock the boat. At least not right away.
Standing beside Lucas’s chair, Nate shifted nervously in the silence. Finally he went into the dining room, returning with a chair that he placed beside Lucas. “So,” he said, sitting down. “I guess you’re shocked.”
Mr. Kramer spoke evenly. “Your mother tells me that you and Lucas are having a relationship.”
“Really, is that how she put it, Dad?”
“Perhaps not in those words. That’s beside the point.”
“No, it’s not. It’s really, really not.” Nate fidgeted with his hands. “I assume she told you I said I’m gay. Well, I am. It’s the truth, whether you want to accept it or not.”
Mrs. Kramer bit back a sob. Her husband patted her arm, but kept his gaze on Nate. “This doesn’t come as a surprise to me.”
As Lucas’s stomach flip-flopped, Mrs. Kramer made a strangled sound. “What are you talking about? What do you mean?”
Nate shifted in his seat and watched his father speculatively. “You knew?”
“Yes. I had my suspicions. I was waiting for you to come to me.” Mr. Kramer smiled ruefully. “Waited too long.”
“And you didn’t tell me?” Mrs. Kramer stared at her husband in shock. “You never said a word to me, all those times I talked to you about finding a girl for Nate! You just let me prattle on like a fool!”
“I hoped Nathaniel would come to us when he was ready. I didn’t want to push him. I did hint, Deanna. I’m afraid you didn’t listen.”
“Mom, it’s not so bad.” Nate smiled tentatively. “I’m really happy with Lucas. We’ve had some problems along the way, but I’m happy. For the first time.”
“How?” She shook her head. “How could you be happy living this way? Why would you choose this?”
Lucas braced himself as he sensed Nate’s hackles rise. “It’s not a choice. This is the way we were born.”
“No. Not my son.” Mrs. Kramer’s jaw tightened. “I don’t know what’s happened to you.”
“Deanna.” Mr. Kramer spoke gently. “Nate is the same boy we raised. The same boy we love. You have to accept who he is.”
“No. I’ll never accept him living like…
this
,” she spat. As if the thought had just occurred, she suddenly clapped her hand over her mouth. “Oh my Lord. What will everyone say?”
Nate shot up out of his chair. “Right, because who cares how I feel, or how Lucas feels. The big concern is what the neighbors and the people at temple and your friends will think.”
Mrs. Kramer seemed lost in her own world, her gaze unfocused. “I thought we did everything right. You’re going to be a lawyer, and marry a good girl, and give us grandchildren.”
“Don’t worry, Mom. I’m sure your precious Sam will still carry on the family name.”
Mr. Kramer took hold of his wife’s hand. “Deanna. This isn’t about anything we did or didn’t do. It isn’t about us.”
Nate had begun pacing back and forth a few steps. “Here’s another surprise for you, Mom. You can give up on all those dreams now, because I’m not going to be a lawyer. I never wanted to, and I never will.”
Her attention snapped back to Nate. “Pardon?”
“I’m not going to law school. I switched my classes from prelaw to photography. It’s what I love. It’s what I want to do.”
“You should have told us this summer, Nate.” Mr. Kramer gave him a stern look. “I know you’ve been going through a lot, but cowardice plays a role here.”
After a moment, Nate nodded. “You’re right, and I’m sorry. But I’m not sorry I switched classes, and I’m not sorry for who I am.”
Silence blanketed the room, and Lucas wondered again if he should say something. Yet he couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t make the situation worse. Finally he settled on a simple truth. “Um.” Everyone’s gaze turned to him. “Mr. and Mrs. Kramer, I just want to say that I’m very grateful to you for everything you’ve done for me. I appreciate your kindness and generosity more than you could ever know.”
Mr. Kramer smiled at him, while Mrs. Kramer nodded stiffly. Mr. Kramer said, “You’re always welcome here, Lucas. You
and
our son, of course.”
Lucas wasn’t so sure Nate’s mother agreed. She said nothing. Nate looked at her directly. “What about you, Mom?”
“You’re my son. Of course.” She focused on Lucas. “I know you don’t have anyone else, and I couldn’t in good conscience turn you out. However, while you’re under my roof, I don’t want to hear another word about this, this…disgusting lifestyle. Ever. From either of you.”
“Deanna --”
“No, Dad.” Nate approached his mother. “So you’re saying Lucas and I are welcome here as long as we pretend to be people we’re not. So if I go on pretending that I’m not gay, I’m welcome in my own home. Well, guess what? I’m done pretending. I should have stopped a long time ago. You did me a favor walking in on us this morning. I’m gay, Mom. And it has nothing to do with Lucas. He’s not the first man I’ve been with.”
Mrs. Kramer shuddered and shrieked, “Don’t say such things! Who are you? Shouting at me? What happened to my quiet little son?”
“He grew up.” Nate looked as if he wanted to say more, but thought better of it. Finally he added, “Don’t worry; I won’t subject you to any more of the awful truth.” Turning to Lucas, Nate held out his hand. “We’re not welcome here after all.”
Taking Nate’s hand, Lucas stood and leaned on his crutches. Mr. Kramer regarded them sadly. “Please stay. This isn’t the solution.”
Mrs. Kramer cried, “How could you do this? How could my own son be so cruel?”
Nate watched his mother forlornly. “I’m sorry that who I am and who I love hurts you.”
With that, he and Lucas returned upstairs to pack, the sounds of Mrs. Kramer’s sobs echoing through the house.
* * * * *
Balancing a box in one hand and a big duffel over his shoulder, Nate fished the apartment keys out from his pocket. With a grunt, he managed to open the door without dropping the box of expensive photography equipment.
Lucas followed on his crutches, although his knee was feeling well enough that he thought it was time to start walking -- well,
limping
, on it. He leaned his crutches against the wall then he closed the door and took a tentative step. So far, so good.
“Sure you don’t want the crutches?” It was one of the first things Nate had said to him since his father had dropped them off at the ferry station on Staten Island. Mr. Kramer had said good-bye regretfully and told Nate to give his mother some time. On the ferry and cab ride home, Lucas had simply held Nate’s hand, leaving him alone with his thoughts as they watched the city go by.
“Yeah, I think I’m ready to walk again. I feel a lot better, actually. I think your mom’s home cooking and TLC was just what the doctor ordered.” As soon as the words left his mouth, he grimaced. “I mean…I don’t.”
Stop talking
, he silently ordered himself.
“It’s okay. I know what you mean.” Nate peered around the apartment, which was already slightly musty from days of emptiness. “I was hoping it had gotten bigger since I was gone.”
Lucas laughed, and they shared a smile. “’Fraid not. Just dustier.”
“Alas. Well, I doubt my parents are going to be giving me any more money, so I don’t think we’ll be able to afford anything bigger for…well, possibly ever, considering the job prospects in my chosen field.”
Lucas lowered himself to the futon, pleased when he registered that his ribs didn’t burn with the movement. “Nate, don’t worry about money. I told you before, my dad left me plenty.”
Nate opened his drawers in the dresser, which Lucas had left empty. “No way. I can pay my own way. I’ll get a job.”
Deciding to give up the argument for now, Lucas nodded. “Okay.” He sat in comfortable silence as Nate finished unpacking.
As he carefully emptied his box of equipment, Nate said, “I can’t believe my father knew and never said a word.” He looked at Lucas. “Can you believe that?”
Lucas swallowed hard. “Unbelievable.” The pangs of guilt over not telling Nate the truth were becoming harder to ignore. Maybe he should just tell him. Did he really want to start their lives together again with a big lie hanging in the air?
“I wouldn’t have felt so isolated, so cut off from my family if he’d told me the truth. The whole summer in Europe, he could have said something.”
Lucas shifted uneasily. “But so could you. You could have told him the truth.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to. It’s not that simple.”
“Maybe it’s not for your dad either.”
Breaking down the cardboard box and flattening it, Nate pondered that. “You’re right. I guess I just wonder. You know, what kind of relationship we could have had.”