Dark Destiny (Dark Brothers Book #4) (2 page)

“Sorry,” I murmur against his chest. His hands go up to wrap around the tops of my arms, and he gently pushes me back. It’s not in any way harsh, but it’s cold, devoid of emotion.

“Leila?” he asks, his voice husky from sleep.

“Yeah, I was just getting her a bottle.”

“I’ll do it. You go back to bed.”

I feel my heart burn, to anyone else, those words would be a sweet, loving husband talking to his wife and helping her out, but to me…it’s just Jagger trying to avoid anymore interaction with me. “No, it’s ok. I got it.”

He’s silent a moment, then he drops his hands. “Ok, I’ll go and wait with her.”

Then he steps past me, just like that. Like having my body against his doesn’t affect him at all. That hurts more than I’ll ever admit. The idea of Jagger not being in love with me anymore…it’s too much. I shake my head and snap myself out of it, before walking down the hall further until I reach the kitchen. When I manage to find the light, I let my eyes adjust before making Leila a bottle. While it’s heating in a little pot of water, I lean my hip against the counter and try to push the pain from my body.
You’re doing the right thing, Willow. You’re doing what anyone would do for someone they love
. Aren’t I?

When the little timer goes off, I pull the bottle out and test it on my wrist before flicking the light off and walking down the hall. When I pass Cody’s room, I peer in. He’s curled up, bum in the air, looking gorgeous. He’s nearly two now, and he’s the image of Jagger, and he’s just as mischievous too. I smile and gently shut his door again. When I reach Leila’s room, I peer in. Jagger is rocking her, his hard arms wrapped around her tiny body and he’s whispering softly to her. She’s looking up at him, her fingers tangled in the chain around his neck. Cody used to do the exact same thing. I feel my eyes well with tears.

Jagger hears me at the door and looks up, tiny electric bolts rush through my body. They always will. I can’t look at him and not have them. He’s shirtless, the tattoos on his body are dull in the lamp light. He’s been working out extra hard, and his body is firm, toned, and gorgeous. His light blue eyes tear through my soul as he looks at me. His dark hair is ruffled from sleep and he looks positively breathtaking. It takes all the strength inside me to not walk over and run my nails down that taut back. I want him inside me. I haven’t had him for months and god, I miss it. Especially when he’s looking at me. I force a smile to my face, but it falters.

“Here’s her bottle.”

I hand him the bottle and try to stop my eyes travelling down to the lose cotton shorts that really aren’t pulled up far enough. I can see that gorgeous man ‘V’ and I can see his muscles pull and clench as he moves. I force my eyes back up and he’s still watching me. It’s only then I realize my eyes are burning with unshed tears. Jagger takes the bottle from my hand and our fingers graze. I quickly let it go and he catches it just in the nick of time. I swallow and lean over, kissing Leila’s head before turning and rushing out of the room. I hear Jagger murmur my name, I’m not even sure if he’s calling me or if he’s just saying it, but I don’t stop.

When I get to my room, I close the door and lean my back against it. Then I lower my body down slowly, feeling the hard wood sliding against my back as I move. When my bottom hits the floor, I let out a strangled sob. I press my hand over my mouth and force myself to breathe through it. As I heave, I try hard to not make a sound. If he hears me, it will only make things worse for him. I have to be his rock. I’m not the one who suffered. He did. He killed his father. He’s the one dealing with the agony of that. Jagger. Not me. I have to be here for him. Even if it means letting our relationship hang in the balance while he finds himself again.

I’ll do whatever it takes.

No matter what.

I will fix us.

~*~*~*~

JAGGER

I saw her eyes, she tried to hide it, but I saw it. I saw the pain. I saw the shimmer of tears, and I didn’t do anything to stop it. It’s not that I don’t care; I know I do, behind all of this. I can’t change it though, I am trying to make myself feel, but I just can’t. Everything is numb. I don’t feel any sort of emotion. I don’t even feel depressed. The best way to describe what’s going on would be to say I feel like a zombie. It’s all I can relate myself to right now. The walking dead. I know it’s hurting Willow, I see it every day, I see her struggling to fight along with me, when really, all I’m doing, is breaking her down.

That’s why I know this is for the best. Whatever I’ve become, she doesn’t deserve to experience it. There are times I’ve wanted to reach out to her, but I’m afraid if I do, I’ll give her some sort of false hope that I’m not really sure I can back up right now. She’s better off without me; she just can’t see it yet. In time though, she will. My kids, they don’t need to see this side of me. It’s damaged. It’s fucked up. What will they think of me when they grow older? When they find out I killed my own father? I stare down at my daughter, sleeping in my arms. She deserves better than this, than me. That’s why I am pulling away. One day, they will all see…

I did this for them.

~*~*~*~*

WILLOW

“I’m goin’ to work.”

I turn and see Jagger walking out the next morning, fully dressed. He’s wearing old faded jeans covered in grease stains. He works as a mechanic during the day. I think he likes it. I wouldn’t know. He doesn’t tell me. I meet his gaze as he stops and grips his phone and his keys. Oh, he looks so damned perfect. I swallow and press my fingers to the kitchen counter. I want to say so many things, but I can’t. I couldn’t even begin to find the words to explain the fucked up mess in my head right now.

“Ok,” I whisper.

He raises his brows. “You ok?”

I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you?”

He shrugs. “Fine.”

I guess he still doesn’t want to face what’s happening. He doesn’t want to face that we haven’t had sex for months. He doesn’t want to face the fact we don’t even sleep in the same bed. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that he hasn’t called me baby…god…what does it matter? What does any of it matter? He’s not ready. When he is, I will be waiting. I nod my head, it’s all I can give him right now. He won’t accept anything else. Even if he pretends to try, I know he doesn’t really want to. I know deep down, he’s slowly pushing me away.

“Somethin’ you wanna say, Willow?” he asks, letting his blue eyes search my face.

“No, Jagger, I’m fine.”

“You ran off awful fast last night, did I upset you?”

Did you upset me? No. Not at all Jagger. You don’t want to fuck me. You don’t want to touch me. You don’t want to be anywhere near me for longer than five minutes. How could that possibly upset me?

“Willow?”

“I said it’s fine, Jagger,” I bark.

I close my eyes and grip the counter harder. Stop it, Willow, this isn’t his fault. He doesn’t know what he’s doing. That’s what Angel keeps telling me. He’s not thinking. He needs time. When he gets his head together, he’ll become good again. I just have to be strong. I just have to hang in there.

“Ok, well, I’m goin’ to the bar with the boys after work.”

Of course you fucking are.

“Ok.”

“You should hang with Ava and Jenny, they miss you.”

Why do I feel like he’s palming me off onto someone else, to try and hide his own guilt for not wanting to spend time with me?

“Ok, Jagger.”

He tilts his head to the side, stares at me for a long moment, and then sighs.

“Later.”

And just like that, he’s gone. No kiss. Not even a god damned smile. I feel my heart clench painfully and I suck in a ragged, painful breath. My hands shake as I force my legs to move down the hall to get Cody from his bed. The pain I feel inside is so…well it’s…awful. I can’t even describe the gut wrenching, soul crushing pain that’s inside right now. Everything was going so well. How can it all go so wrong, so quickly? Was it all really just a cover, was Jagger just hiding his pain because he truly wanted to be happy?

“Momma!”

I blink and see Cody running down the hall, batman pajamas in tow. He’s taken them off and is now running with them like a cape over his shoulders. I smile at the sight of my son running towards me in just a nappy. When he reaches me, I scoop him up into my arms and kiss his cheeks. He smells like all kids do in the morning, sweet and warm. I carry him into the kitchen and pop him in his chair before preparing his breakfast. I can’t let him see the bad side of me; above all else, I have to be a good mother to my children.

I am still caught up in thoughts of Jagger, when my phone rings on the counter beside me.  I stare down at the screen, it’s Ace. He rings often. He tries to pretend it’s just to say hi, but I know what he’s doing, he’s looking after me. I can’t blame him, nor can I be mad at him. Without the guys, I wouldn’t be able to cope with Jagger pulling away from me. I just wish, sometimes, they were ringing
to just to talk me about life. That’s not going to happen though, not right now at least. Sighing, I pick it up and press the little green phone button to answer it.

“Hey Ace.”

“Hey kid, how’s things?”

I know as well as anyone else, Ace doesn’t really want to know how things are, he wants to know how Jagger is. He knows he’s suffering, but he’s hiding it behind this emotionless front.

“They’re good, Ace.”

He makes a tisk tisk sound, “Tellin’ me lies again…”

I sigh. “Ok, they’re not good. I don’t know what to tell you. He hardly talks to me anymore. I honestly am running out of ideas on how to help him.”

“He will come good, kid. I promise you he’ll come good. He needs time. He’s all fucked up. He killed his own dad, and before that he was basically held prisoner and forced to fight. That shit messes with your head. He needs time to process it.”

“He’s pushing me away Ace,” I whisper, too afraid to let him hear the pain in my voice. “I miss him. I
need
him.”

“He loves you, Willow, I know that much.”

“I am starting to find that harder and harder to believe.”

“Don’t give up on him, just hang in there. It will get better.” I’m not sure who he’s trying to convince, me or himself.

“I would never give up on him, even if he gave up on me. I love him too much.”

He’s silent a minute, and his voice is an octave higher and happier when he speaks again.

“So, how are my two monsters?”

I chuckle. “They’re good. Keeping me awake at night.”

“As all good children should.”

“How’s Jenny?”

He’s silent a moment longer. I have noticed the two don’t spend as much time together, I can’t help but wonder what went on.

“I’m not sure kid, haven’t seen her this week.”

“Are you two still together?”

“No fuckin’ idea,” he grunts.

It’s a shame really, I honestly thought Jenny adored Ace. She’s been so busy with work lately, and part of me wonders, if perhaps, she doesn’t want the life Ace has to offer. He’s such a gentle man though, I wish she could look past his lifestyle. Besides, he’s handsome as hell. All the guys are, but Ace, I think, is just about as dazzling as Jagger. He has those big brown eyes and that sexily ruffled dark brown hair. He’s bigger in build than Jagger, and that’s saying something, but granted, he is stockier than Jagger.

“Is everything ok, Ace?” I finally say.

“Nothin’ for you to worry about, things have just been hectic. That’s all.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” I mumble.

“Anyway, I am just checkin’ up on you and I wanted to let you know not to worry about Jagger tonight, I’ll keep him in line.”

“Thanks, Ace, I think he needs his boys.”

“Well, now Angel and Ava are back from their holiday, and Bull has come home from visiting his sister, we can all start getting things back on track.”

“What about Maggie? Has anyone heard from her?”

He’s silent a moment.

“Nah,” he says, his voice is softer now. “She’s not back yet.”

“Do you think she’s ok, Ace?”

“I honestly don’t know, I’ve tried to call a few times but she won’t answer. I guess she just needs some time to process what went down.”

“Jagger could really use her support.”

“She’ll come back, Willow, she always does.”

I sigh deeply. “All right, well Leila is crying so I better go. Come around more Ace, we’ve missed you.”

“I will, kid, I swear. Later.”

“Bye, Ace.”

I hang up the phone and stare down at it for a long moment, before placing it on the counter. I begin walking down the hall, thinking about Maggie as I go. She disappeared after she found out Jagger killed Mick. I guess it was all too much for her. I know Ace has tried to get in contact with her, out of all the guys, he seems to get along with her the best. Jagger told me he’s known her the longest, aside from himself of course. I think about all the guys, and I’m glad they’re all back in town. They could be just what Jagger needs. Maybe he just needs to feel in control again. Now they’re back, they can start meeting up some more. I can only hope they’ll pull him from this rut he’s in, because honestly, if it’s up to me and I have to continue on my own, I’m afraid I’ll crumble and fail him.