Dancing Hours (36 page)

He called me his best friend and I was filled with a strange mixture of happiness and sadness.  Was I about to be put into the friend category after he’d just kissed me?  “I think I understand.”  I reassured him and I lightly stroked the inside of his forearm, anxious to touch him and hopefully reignite some kissing activity. “You were doing the best thing for Jessica.”

“Yes, I was.  And I really thought it was the best thing for you too.  I mean, you were so young when we met and you shouldn’t be burdened with stuff like that.”

I pulled back, suddenly feeling something completely different.  “I’m not a kid.” I said harshly as I let go of his hand and started backing away from him.

“No, no.  I know you’re not.” He pulled me back toward him with one arm and the other went to the side of my face.  I didn’t resist him; I was still mostly hoping we could be kissing again soon.  Instead of waiting to see if he would,
I seized on him like a wild animal.

The passion between us was crackling like a hot fire and the thoughts swirling through my head were fuzzy, but along the lines of him leaving to go home and not wanting him to go home and how all the homesickness I’d felt since moving to Los Angeles seemed to disappear with him around.  And then suddenly I realized I wanted to rip his clothes off and he seemed game for it too.  I took off his shirt and felt the warm skin of his back, his chest, his chiseled abs.  There wasn’t enough room on the
couch,
I wanted to take him to my bed.  As I said “Come on” and reached to take him with me
,
though, he stopped everything.  To say that I was disappointed would be an understatement.

“Wait.” He said pulling away from me to the other side of the couch, far enough away that there was no touching possible
and put his shirt back on
. 

“What?
What?  Did I do something wrong?
” I felt like someone had stopped a roller coaster just as it was about to crest the hill.

“No, you definitely did not do anything wrong; but we can’t just do this, Andy.”

“We can’t?”

“Were you not just listening to me?  You are my best friend.”

“Oh, so now we’re friends?  You…”  I didn’t know how to finish the sentence.  Words were escaping my mind that was completely focused on a single objective just a moment ago.

“That’s not what I mean.  I mean,
yes, that
is what I mean.  But what I mean is that it’s all or nothing for me, Andy.  I don’t want to lose you as a friend.  I don’t want to have this be something that you regret tomorrow.”

“You mean that you’re worried this is something
you
will regret tomorrow.”  I found my tongue and it had some acid on it.

He looked at me for a long moment.  “I know that I would wake up deliriously happy tomorrow and every morning that I wake up with you.”  He was looking at me intently, trying to read my response and I could see that.  For some reason, I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of knowing how incredibly sweet that statement was.

“You don’t have to say that.”

“I’m not saying it because I have to.  I said it because I mean it.  I think my heart has belonged to you since that first day I met you.
”  After a long pause he said gently
“
I love you.”

I felt like the world was crashing down around me. 
All of my fear and anxiety and loneliness and frustration were bubbling up. 
“
No you don’t.  You don’t love me. 
You don’t even know me.” 

“Don’t I?” he asked earnestly. 

The truth was that he did know me, probably better than anyone by now.  My best friend from high school had found new best friends and alth
ough I had new friends too, they
only knew the girl I had become and not the girl I started out as.  David knew me better than anyone else that didn’t share my DNA.

“I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I said that.  I guess I’m feeling a little weird here.  Are you saying that you’d rather be my friend than… something else?”

He scoffed.  “No.”  He climbed over and kissed me again, over and over again.  It was more subdued this time, mostly because I was completely confused.  “What I was saying is that I want something more permanent than sleeping with you tonight, flying home and then not ever talking to you again.”

“That wouldn’t happen.” I reassured.

“It might.  I don’t know if I want to take that risk.”

“Well then we’re at an impasse.”  I smiled beguilingly.

“I suppose so.”

I never did make coffee that night.  We talked and kissed
and did a lot of both.  Ultimately, David did let me take him to my bedroom, but we both passed out with our clothes on curled up together like pieces of a puzzle.

In the morning I woke up and he was gone.  I felt stupid and crestfallen until I found the note taped to my mirror.

Gone to the hotel to shower and change.
  Call me when you wake up. –D

Instead of agonizing over what last night meant to our relationship as friends or staring at my phone for an hour trying to figure out what I was going to say, I did just as he asked.  I
called and he a
nswered.  We talked for a while and agreed that last night was just a blip on our friendship radar and we probably shouldn’t do it again, definitely not in proximity of my grandmother.
  I called work to let them know I’d be out for a couple of days and double checked to make sure I had absences to spare in my classes. 

They picked me up for breakfast.  Nan was looking pale and small in the beaming California rays
and her hair seemed to be sporting a lot more white than usual
.  She said she had not slept as well as she hoped last night and just needed a good plate of Eggs Benedict to be right as rain.  David recounted the story of our run-in with X at the restaurant last night and Nan seemed amused by the tale.  I had a feeling she’d already spoken to Ed about it, but David was enjoying telling the story so she let him go on.  When he finished, she asked if I was alright and I told her I was, but that even then I was worried that he was watching somewhere. 
David reached his hand under the table to grab mine for a moment and then let go.

“You got rid of the phone didn’t you?”

“Yes
.”

“Well I can assure you that Mr.
Wright is a very convincing man.  I think you’ve seen the last of your admirer.”

“I hope so.  Does this mean you’re going to go home today?”

“Not today dear.  You and I have things to do!”  She brightened a bit and I hoped she was going to shake off the jetlag soon.

David left us to go see Noah.  I sarcastically remarked that he should tell his brother hello for me.  Nan and I spent the morning doing girlie things – manicures, pedicures, massages.  She even took me to a trendy salon for a haircut and highlights.  I looked like a new woman by the time it was done.

“So, did you and David enjoy your evening last night?” she inquired not-so-innocently.

“Yeah, you heard the story.  It was quite a night.”

“I heard part of the story, but if you don’t want to tell me the other part that’s alright too, sweet pea.”

Nan never let anything get by her.  I blushed and wondered if I should dish about kissing David, but I wasn’t really sure how I felt about it and decided that if I told Nan it might make it feel more magical.  That was a scary idea, so I kept it to myself.

By the time Nan felt like going back to take a nap, David was waiting for us at the hotel. 
She gave me the best hug ever.  We both held on until she finally said she needed to take a rest.  David
promised to try to keep me entertained
and Nan reassured him that she knew he would.    Even he caught the look she gave us, so as soon as we were in the elevator he asked if I had told her.  When the doors opened on the first floor, he reached for my hand
lacing his fingers between mine
and we walked out together that way.

We spent the day together laughing
at the beach
.  I tried not to to
uch him too much, because it mad
e my fingertips hot and my heart race; but his body had a gravitational pull that was impossible to escape.  At times we ended up too close, but I didn’t mind and he didn’t seem to either. 
There was something so amazing and peaceful about sitting on a beach, watching the ocean
extend
to the horizon.  It was almost as humbling as looking up at the night sky and seeing the stars go on forever.  Stars were what I missed the most about home.  In Los Angeles, the sky was hardly ever dark enough to see them.

In the after
n
oon
, we went to check on Nan, but she wasn’t in her room.  She’d left a message for David that she had some business to attend to with old friends and to tell me that she’d call me tomorrow before they had to leave for the airport.

I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to get to see her again, but excited to spend the rest of the day with David.  We went to his hotel room so he could clean up a little bit.
  I flipped through the channels on the TV aimlessly, but I was keenly aware that David was in the shower and couldn’t help imagining him
there
.  A guy friend told me once that
every guy, no matter how harmless he might
seem, imagines women naked when
they are talking to them.  I remember thinking how incredibly distracting that must be and almost felt sorry for guys knowing that they weren’t capable of having a conversation without the intrusion of sex floating around in their minds.  Now I felt like I knew what that must be like.  All day when he spoke I watched his lips, remembering what it felt like to kiss them.  Then realizing he had shaved
that
morning, I wanted to know if it would feel differently
to do it again
.

And now, he stood naked in the room next to me, less than 10 feet away and separated by only drywall and plumbing, electrical wires and some tile.  I wanted it all to be invisible and I wanted to have the courage to join him there.  But I knew that we agreed to be friends and just friends.  There really was no such thing as Friends
With
Benefits and David didn’t even want to try that route.  I could appreciate that.  I could respect that.   Couldn’t I? 

He came out of the shower with just a towel wrapped around his waist. 
I knew he wasn’t trying to tease me, he didn’t even look at me directly as he
searched
through his suitcase
for clothes to put on.  I froze with the remote poised toward the television and stared at him.  He moved lithely and I couldn’t see an imperfection on him.  His hair was wet and plastered to the back of his head, but it was sexy. 

At the moment I was considering reaching out and pulling the towel off of him, pulling him down on the bed and throwing caution out the window, he moved away back into the bathroom to get dressed.  I wanted to follow him, but I needed to restrain myself.