Cured (19 page)

“Me too. A
lot
better,” I say without thinking. My face starts to burn, and I press my fingers against my lips before any more accidental confessions jump out, like,
I could live down here with you forever!
Or,
I have such a massive crush on you that I forget to breathe when you walk into the room!

Kevin takes my hands in his and opens his mouth to say something, but Jonah picks that moment to walk into the kitchen, holding an empty plate. He doesn't look at us, just loads the plate with the remaining food and turns to leave. He pauses and asks, “Is it okay if the child and I finish off the rest of this?”

“Go ahead,” Kevin says, releasing my hands. He clears his throat and picks up his fork. “If you're still hungry when that's gone, let me know. I can whip up some more.”

After everyone's eaten, Kevin and I wash the dishes while Fo sits at the table, sipping powdered milk from a tin mug. “Do you remember when we were ten and our families met at the park on the Fourth of July, and your mom made an American-flag sheet cake that I accidentally sat on?” she asks. “I had a frosting flag plastered to my shorts all night.”

I smile at the memory. “And my brother Dean had a huge crush on your sister, Lissa, even though she was three years older than him and two inches taller. And Jonah did some experiment and combined the gunpowder from two fireworks and caught his shirt on fire.”

Fo laughs, but her eyes are sad.

When the dishes are washed and put away, Kevin goes into the other room, and I sit at the table with Fo. “So, you're married to Dreyden Bowen,” I say, glancing at her empty ring finger. “I never, in my wildest dreams, would have put you two together.”

A smile lights up Fo's face, making the sadness leave her eyes, making her eyes sparkle—the same look she used to get as a kid when she talked about playing the piano. “I'm so lucky,” she says. “If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have much to live for. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be alive.” She glances at her crooked pinky finger and scowls. “So what's up with you and Kevin?”

“I don't know. It's sort of hard to think about the future when you're not sure if you'll actually have one.” I glance into the other room. Bowen, Jonah, and Kevin are standing together, their heads close, talking about something. “I really like him,” I whisper. “Which is weird, because I've been resigned to the fact that I'd have to pretend to be a boy for the rest of my life, and never allow myself to be attracted to anyone. But now he's here, and it makes me realize how much I'm missing.”

Bowen walks into the kitchen, carrying one of the leather chairs from the other room. He sets it down at the table and then stands behind Fo, resting his hands on her shoulders. “What are you guys taking about?” he asks.

“Girl stuff.” Fo grins up at him, and he lifts his eyebrows.

“Would you mind taking your girl stuff into the other room? We've got to plan how to get the cure back.” He sets a pad of paper and a short, stubby pencil on the table.

Jonah comes in and sits down in the leather chair. Without
a word, he takes Fo's cup and swallows the last of her milk. She gasps and smacks his arm, and the sides of Jonah's mouth quiver and then turn up the tiniest bit. “Sorry, Sis.” He stands and rinses the cup, and then fills it with water and powdered milk, stirring it before setting it down in front of Fo. “I guess some habits never die,” he says in a quiet voice. Fo stands and throws her arms around Jonah.

“I love you,” she whispers. She kisses his cheek and then leaves the room, forgetting her milk.

Kevin comes in carrying a rolled-up map. He sits in Fo's empty chair and sets the map down on the table and unrolls it, using Fo's mug as a paperweight. Bowen gives me a look, and I fold my arms over my chest. “I want to help,” I say.

“Help us plan, or help us get the cure back?” Bowen asks, eyes guarded.

“Both! I'm the one who accidentally lost it, so I will help you get it back.”

Bowen shakes his head. “You can help us plan but you can't come. I need you to stay with Fo. I need you to protect her while I'm gone.”

“She'll be fine here. I want to help.”

“I agree with Bowen,” Kevin says. “You need to stay here. It's way,
way
too dangerous for you out there.”

His words nearly knock the wind out of me. I tremble with the effort it takes to keep from yelling and very calmly say, “Too dangerous for me? I have been living
out there
for years, and doing just fine! Let me help! I don't think I could stand being stuck down here while I worry about you guys!”

Bowen runs his hands through his hair and keeps them there, gripping the roots. “Yes, you have been surviving out there,” he says. “And yes, you are part of the reason we're in this mess in the first place—and so am I. I should have told you we had the cure. But you've been
sheltered
out there. And you're … you're a woman, Jack. It would be too risky bringing you. You absolutely cannot come!”

I open my mouth to fight for the right to come, but my throat is too tight to talk. A warm hand grabs mine. “I need to talk to you for a minute,” Kevin says, pulling me into the other room, past Fo and the child, and to the shelter's exit. He opens the door and we step out, so we're both crammed into the small space with the ladder. He shuts the door halfway, so there's just enough light to see by, and lets go of my hand.

“I want to go with you to get the cure,” I whisper.

His brows pull together, and he looks like he's in pain. “Jack, no. It's too dangerous.”

I fold my arms over my chest and glare at him.

“Okay, you're not understanding what I am trying to say. That”—he points up—“is no place for a woman!”

I bite the side of my cheek and fight off tears of frustration. “
I hate being a woman
.” My words are filled with bitterness. “It is the worst thing a person can be in this world.” I stare at him, daring him to contradict me.

“You don't know what you're saying. You are a
woman
! You're like an endangered species! Bad men kill to have you as their property. Good men will do everything they can to protect you—even die for you.”

“I don't want to be protected! I'll pretend to be a boy. I just don't want to be left behind again.” Tears fill my eyes. I try to blink them away, but they spill down my cheeks. “Everyone I care about leaves me behind, and then they never come back.”

A hint of sorrow touches his eyes. “That's because they care about
you
. Don't you get it, Jack?”

“Get what?”

He takes one of my hands in his. “Out there, you are just a commodity. You're something to be bartered with, then used up and discarded. But in here”—he puts my hand on his chest, right above his heart—“you are more precious than the sun, than air, than water, or bees. You are pure life. If I take you out there,
you
are what I will die to keep safe. Not the cure. If you come with me, I will be useless to Bowen because everything I do will be for you. You are more important than the cure, and so I have to know you're safe.”

I close my eyes and drop my forehead against his chest. His arms come around me and hold me close. “Please let me keep you safe,” he whispers. “Please stay here.”

I turn my head to the side and press my ear against his chest, listening to the slow, quiet rhythm of his heart. “All right,” I whisper, and wrap my arms around him.

Someone shakes me long before my body wants to wake up. A blanket is draped over my shoulders, and a warm hand frames my cheek. “Jacqui.” My name, spoken with his voice, makes me smile and wonder at the same time how he knows my real name.

I open my eyes. Kevin is crouching on the floor beside the kitchen table, holding a lit lantern.

“Did I fall asleep?” I rub my eyes and lean my elbows on the table and try to remember the last thing we were talking about—how Jonah, Bowen, and Kevin were going to get into the raiders' headquarters in the first place. “Did you guys figure out how to get inside?” I ask, stretching.

Kevin nods. “We got it all worked out. Thanks for your help,” he whispers. A tiny smile touches his mouth, but his eyes are sad. He sits in the leather chair that used to be in the family
room and I ask him the question that's been on my mind for a while.

“Who told you my name?” I ask.

He blinks at me, his face unreadable. “Does it matter?”

“Yes. It means one of us wasn't careful enough.”

“I'll tell you after we get the cure back from the raiders. Right now there's something more important for us to talk about.”

My skin prickles with apprehension. Kevin pulls something out of his pocket. He takes my hand and places a paper into it—a neatly folded rectangle.

“What is this?” I start to open it, but Kevin's hand comes down on mine.

“That is something that could potentially get hundreds of people killed.” I drop the paper onto the table. Kevin laughs and picks it up again, closing my fingers around it. He keeps his hand on mine. “It's what is written on it that is the danger,” he explains. “If the raiders ever read it, I will be dead, and a lot of people will be in danger.”

“You mean dead as in metaphorically speaking, right?”

He releases my hand and leans back in the chair. “No. Literally dead. As in
dead
.”

I start unfolding the paper but Kevin's hand comes down on mine yet again. “What? I can't read it?”

“Not yet. It's for in case . . .” His voice fades away, and he closes his eyes, still leaning back as if he's asleep. He stays that way for a long time, breath moving evenly in and out of him. I stare at his face, studying the way his shoulder-length hair frames it.

“It's sort of like a last resort—plan Z.” He opens his eyes. They're heavy and dark. Defeated. “If things get to the point that you don't know what to do, read it.”

“Wait. If things get to
what
point?”

“If you get there, you'll know. If you have to read the paper, memorize every single line of it. And then burn it or eat it or tear it into a thousand pieces and bury it under a boulder. But don't lose it, and don't let the raiders get it! Can you promise me that?”

All of a sudden I feel sick. What he's
not
saying is there's a chance he won't be coming back. The paper seems to squirm against my skin, so I curl my fingers over it. “I promise,” I say, and unzip one of the pockets on my vest and tuck it in, right beside the spare suture packets.

Kevin stands and pulls me to my feet. “Come here.” He wraps his arms around me and sits back down in the chair, cradling me against his chest. I nestle my head into the space where his shoulder and neck join, pressing my cheek against his warm skin. Kevin props his feet up on one of the kitchen chairs, and his arms slowly grow heavy around me, settling over me like a blanket. The rise and fall of his chest gently rocks me, and his body heat fuses with mine, making me feel warm and soft and safe.

“Jack, are you asleep?” he asks after a long while.

“No.” I don't want to sleep. I want to be aware of every minute of my life right now, enjoy every second just in case. . . .

“You're an intense runner,” Kevin whispers. “And you're brave.” His right hand moves to his left arm, touching the spot where I cut him. “You know how to heal. You can cook.” He sighs. “And
you're beautiful.” He puts his warm, callused hand on my cheek and tilts my face toward his. “You're like this perfect package all mixed up into one small, stunning person.”

My nerves seem to come alive, pulsing with an electric current that warms my skin and quickens my heart. My gaze drifts from his eyes to his mouth, and I pull his head down until our lips meet. I will savor this moment and remember it until the day I die.

My dreams aren't about food. They're about Kevin. I need to get his attention because something dark is trying to consume him. I scream his name, and he finally notices me. And that's when I realize the truth. The darkness isn't trying to consume him. He
is
the darkness. And he's consuming
me
.

Something clutches my shoulder and I jerk away.

“Jacqui.”

I open my eyes, peel my cheek off Kevin's shoulder, and then sit up.

Kevin is staring at me, his eyes so serious they look gray instead of blue. “I need to get ready to leave now.”

“Already? I thought you were leaving at sunrise.” I rub my eyes and glance at my watch. It's six o'clock. “Oh. It is sunrise.” I stumble to my feet and try to look like the thought of him leaving isn't tearing me up on the inside. I hug the blanket around me and go into the other room.

Bowen and Fo are standing in the corner, wrapped in an embrace. Jonah, wearing a massive backpack, is waiting by the
exit with the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up over his head. At his side stands the beast-boy. The boy looks at me. His slanted eyes are huge in his gaunt face. Jonah crouches by the boy. “That's Jack,” he says. “She's going to keep you safe until I come back.” Jonah gently wraps his arms around the boy and pats his back a few times.