Crystals (16 page)

“Tell me, love,”
he begged, “I can’t stand seeing you like this.”

The more he tried
to sooth her the more she cried. Her sobs went on for so long Shane became
desperate. Unsure of what to do, he thought about calling Emmie, maybe she
would know how to help.

By the time she
had been crying nonstop for five minutes, he made up his mind. He was going to
make the call. Attempting to pull away, she clutched onto him and refused to
let go.

“Crystal! Stop
crying right now or I’m leaving!” He didn’t mean it, but he had to get her
under control before she made herself ill.

The sounds of her
crying ceased so abruptly it was as though a faucet
had been
switched off
. But she didn’t pull away as she hiccupped and shook in an
attempt to get herself under control.

“What is it, Crys?
I know it’s bad. If you don’t tell me what’s going on, I’m going to keep on
imagining all kinds of strange things.”

“Like what?” She
mumbled against his throat the sound of tears still in her voice.

“Like your mother
got abducted by aliens but she got on their nerves so they sent her back.”

Crystal punched
him in the arm by way of a response. Knowing his nonsense talk was finally
doing the trick, he continued. “Then when she got back, she finally realized
she was a bit of an old cow and decided to support her daughter instead of
controlling her.”

When his words
trailed off, Crystal pulled back and looked at him. He could still detect her
sadness even as it battled with her laughter. He had just insulted her mother,
and his concocted story of aliens aside, something catastrophic must have taken
place for the emergence of this new and improved Gwendolyn.

“Stop digging out
my mother!” Crystal demanded without steam.

“Done. Now talk.”

“Did you know that
I tried to contact you?”

“No… when?”

“When I first
learned you were in Spain. Dizzy told me where you were. Did you know that he
and Fern are married and have two children?”

Shane saw she was
on the brink of crying again. He just didn’t know whether it was the mention of
Dizzy and Fern’s marriage, or her trying to contact him that made her so sad.

“No, I didn’t know
they were married.”

“Well, they are.”

She was stalling.
The real issue had nothing to do with Dizzy and Fern. He didn’t want to rush
her, but he wasn’t prepared to allow her to distract him with irrelevance.

“I’m happy for
them. I know you want to tell me something important. I think you want to tell
me about it really badly.”

“I…”

When she faltered,
he got up, pulled back the covers and motioned her to get under them. She
hesitated, so he shrugged out of his robe and got into the bed and waited for
her to join him. As soon as she climbed in, he turned her around so her back
rested against his chest. Then he folded an arm around her. “You tried to
contact me,” he prompted when she didn’t immediately begin to speak.

“I tried for a
while before I got lucky. Someone called Emily was supposed to get back to me.
I’ve connected the dots, so I now know Emily is
your
Emmie.”

Shane allowed the
emphasis she placed on the word
your
to pass without comment. But he was
secretly pleased with her display of jealousy. Maybe she too now felt a small
measure of what he had gone through for the past five years.

“Go on,” he said
without inflection.

“When I got that
message, I thought everything was going to be okay. But I never even got the
chance to talk to her. At the last moment, I received an email from someone
called, Isabella that said you didn’t want to speak to me.”

“When was this?”

“About five months
after you left.”

Shane was so
furious every muscle in his body tightened. Emmie had known how he felt about
the way he and Crystal had parted. So, he couldn’t understand why she had kept
this from him. But he would find out, and God help her if she didn’t have a
sound explanation.

“What’s wrong, you
just tensed up?”

“Nothing, Go on.”

In his heart, he
hoped she would say that she had wanted to find him because she couldn’t live
without him. That she loved and missed him so much, she had been prepared to
follow him to Spain.

He knew he was
reaching because he was sure her current state had nothing to do with their
separation. Her distress was still too close to the surface for this to be
about him. Giving her a little squeeze as a prompt, Shane again waited for her
to resume talking.

“He’s gone,
Shane.”

“Who Crys, who’s
gone?”

“Our baby. I lost
our baby boy!”

Chapter 13

“What do you mean you lost him?” Of course he knew
what she meant, but he still blurted out the question. Of all the things he had
expected to hear, this wasn’t one of them. Shane had felt heartbreak before,
but this feeling was something new to him. A baby. Their baby.

“I did everything
right. I swear I didn’t do anything wrong. As soon as I found out I was
pregnant, I did everything the doctor told me to do. I read books, I searched
the internet. I did everything they said an expectant mother should do.
Honestly, I did. But it wasn’t enough. I’m sorry, Shane… I’m so sorry!”

If his heart
weren't already broken, her plea for understanding would have shattered it. He
had had a son. A child he would never know. Would never hold in his arms. He
should have been there for her—for their child. And he would have been if
others hadn’t interfered in their lives.

With unashamed
tears coursing down his cheeks. Shane tightened his arms around her and pulled
her into him. Together, for the first time they both cried for their loss.

“Tell me. Tell me
everything. Please, I need to know everything,” he pleaded his mind in turmoil.

“Do you believe
me, that I didn’t do anything wrong? Please say you do!” She begged through her
tears.

“I know you
wouldn’t do anything to hurt our baby, Crys. I would never think that. I just
need to hear about him.” His emotions were so overwhelming, Shane felt as
though he was stuck in quicksand with no way to extricate himself from its
grip.

“My pregnancy went
well. All my checkups said he was growing as he should. There was never
anything on my scans that said otherwise.

He was born in
late August with a mighty roar. As soon as they placed him in my arms, he
stopped crying. I think he knew who I was.”

“He did, love. He
knew who you were. You’d taken the best care of him for nine months.” Shane
wanted to give them both comfort with his words. She needed to believe that
their son had recognized her touch. While he needed to know that his baby had
felt the love of a parent at the moment of his birth.

“He was so
perfect, Shane. I counted all his little fingers and toes. When we were settled
in our room, I couldn’t stop kissing and looking at him.

My mother stayed
with me all through his birth. She was my rock. Never once during my pregnancy
did she say or do anything to berate me.

She must have
called everyone because before I knew it, my whole family was there. Aunt
Evelyn, Uncle Omar, Fern, Dizzy and even Dara turned up…”

Her choice of
words at the mention of Dara indicated that something had changed in their
relationship. But he didn’t comment on it. Dara could wait. For now, he was
only interested in his son.

“I was secretly
glad when they all left. I know that sounds selfish, but I wanted him all to
myself. I spent hours just watching him. The nurses had to persuade me to go
and have a shower while he was asleep. They said that he would be okay, that
they would keep an eye on him for me. They promised or I wouldn’t have left
him.

As I made my way
back to the ward, doctors and nurses rushed past me. My heart lurched and
started to pound in my chest. Somehow I knew all the activity was for my baby.
For a moment, I couldn’t move. I saw a closed curtain. I counted and recounted
the beds that led to mine, hoping I had made a mistake. But I knew I hadn’t. I
didn’t want to have to pull back the curtains. If I did, it would make whatever
was going on behind them real. I knew it was bad. I could feel it.” Crystal
broke off and even though he held her as tight as he could, she attempted to
begin her rocking motion.

“I’m here now.
I’ve got you. You don’t have to bear this alone anymore. I’ll do my part, I
promise.” Shane had meant for his words to be of comfort, but they only made
her cry harder. “This is too difficult for you. Try to get some rest and we’ll
talk later.”

“No… I have to
tell you now. I have to get it all out.”

“Are you sure,
Crys?” Riddled with doubts of her emotional state, Shane had no option other
than to accept her nod of certainty.

“Till the day I
die, I will never forget the scene when I pulled back those blue curtains.
There were so many hands on him, touching him, pulling at him. I know they were
trying to help, but all I wanted to do was scream at them to stop hurting my
baby.

When they noticed
me, they tried to pull me away, but I wouldn’t go. The next thing I remember
with any clarity was the doctors telling me they were
sorry
. That they
had tried everything, but my baby was gone. As stupid as it sounds, my first
instinct was to ask
gone where
? But at the same time, deep down I
understood they were trying to spare my feelings with their choice of words.”

As gently as he
could, Shane turned her around so they were face to face. “What did he die of,
Crys?”

“I don’t know. I
couldn’t let them perform a post mortem. I couldn’t let them cut him open.”

After she had
answered what he knew was a hard question, she broke eye contact. It was almost
as though she was afraid of how he would react to the decision she had taken.

“I get that. If
I’d been there, I don’t know if I could have allowed them to do that either.”

“Thank you for
saying that. From what I was able to find out, his death probably had something
to do with some form of birth trauma.”

“What does that
mean?”

“It was a long,
difficult birth. They were about to take me for a caesarean section when he
came in a rush. In fact he was born so quickly, I remember one of the nurses
screamed. From what they said, the suddenness of his delivery could have had
something to do with why he…”

When she trailed
off, Shane jumped in. “I think I understand. I’m sorry I let you down. Can you
forgive me?”

“I think I may
have hated you back then. But you didn’t even know I was pregnant, so there’s
nothing to forgive.”

Shane placed a
finger below her chin and raised her face, but she avoided his gaze, as though
she were having difficulty facing him. Resting his head on his bent arm, he used
his free hand to brush against her face.

When she finally
looked at him, he didn’t try to hide the grief for their loss. It was on full
display. He wanted her to see that knowing about their child was enough for him
to love and grieve for him. And he thought about how much worse it must be for
her. To have carried their son securely under her heart for so long only to
have him snatched away so abruptly.

Shane used his
thumb to brush away her tears. “I want to share everything you feel. I can’t
bring our boy back, but I want to share the weight of his passing.”

For endless
minutes, they laid on their sides and looked into each other’s eyes. Her hand
reached up and brushed away his tears before she stroked his jaw to offer him
comfort. With each tender caress, he knew that with time, they would both be
okay. But first, they needed to mourn their son together.

They said nothing
more for a long time. They just exchanged light touches and kisses whenever
moved to do so.

Shane watched
Crystal’s eyes open for the third time as she resisted the healing slumber of
sleep. On the fourth occasion, they remained closed. For long moments, all he
did was stare at her.

They should have
had a life together. No parent should have gone through what she did alone. He
didn’t know if his son would have lived had he been there. All he knew was that
he would give up everything he possessed to have just one minute with his
child—to hold him in his arms. To feel that new life nestled against his heart.

Her eyes flew open
as though even while she slept her mind remained active. “I have pictures. Do
you want to see photos of Finn?”

“You remembered?”

“I hope you don’t
mind.”

“Of course I don’t
mind.”

“I remembered the
story you told me about our son’s namesake. Even though you only met him once,
I think he made a huge impression on your life. In my silent moments after our
Finn died, I hoped your great grandfather would find our baby and look after
him for us.”

“Ah, love, of course,
he found him. And I know he’s keeping our boy safe.”

When she finally
fell asleep, this time in earnest, Shane watched her for hours even though his
mind raced with a thousand questions.

Needing a
distraction, he slowly eased himself from the bed, dressed and made his way
down the stairs.

His gym was one of
the few completed rooms in the house and that was where he went. He needed to
vent some of his pent up emotions. If he didn’t, he might well do something
rash.

An hour later,
sweat dripped from his body and his injured leg shook from over exertion. It
was exactly what he needed, but it hadn’t taken his mind off what he had to do.

Taking a shower in
the changing room off the gym, he dressed and made his way to the kitchen. For
him, cooking was a form of relaxation. Plus, Crystal would be hungry when she
woke up. Even though his mind was in turmoil, her well-being was his first
concern.

Setting out the
ingredients necessary for a stew, Shane stood looking down at them with
unseeing eyes. Walking to the phone attached to the wall, he punched in two
digits and waited for an answer.

“Get over here now
and don’t bring the dogs!” Not waiting for a response, he disconnected the
call.

In the midst of
chopping vegetables with more forcefulness than they warranted, the door opened
and Emmie hurried in. Shane made her wait, not acknowledging her until he
finished what he was doing and the stew was in the oven. When he finally
glanced her way, her look of apprehension was clear.

“I trusted you.”

Emmie didn’t
pretend misunderstanding of his accusation. “I’m sorry. I tried to make things
right as soon as I could.”

“Is this supposed
to compensate for the way you interfered in my life?”

“No, I guess not.
But please let me explain.”

“What makes you
think there’s anything you could say that would make this right. You will never
know what I’ve lost because you decided not to tell me Crystal tried to contact
me.” Unaware of what he was doing, as he spoke, he repeatedly dug the point of
the knife into the chopping board.

“I’m sorry,
Shane.”

“Fuck ya sorry!”

“Shane!” Emmie
gasped.

In all the years
he had known her, he had never raised his voice to her. But then she had never
so completely broken his trust.

“What I’ve lost
I’ll never get back!”

He could see he
was scaring her and he didn’t care. She deserved to be afraid of him. The way
he felt, all she needed to do was say one word to annoy him and he might just
wring her neck.

“What. What have
you lost?” Emmie asked in a whisper.

“My son. I lost a
son that I’ll never know. All because you decided not to tell me Crystal had
tried to contact me!”

Her expression of
shock was real but it meant nothing to him.

“Oh God, Shane.
I’m so sorry!”

“What’re you sorry
about? The fact that you took away my choice—or because I lost my son?”

“Both. You know I
mean both. I didn’t know about the baby,” Emmie shook her head as though
attempting to convince him with more than her words.

“If you’d known,
would you have told me?” She hung her head and Shane had his answer. “Why
Emmie?”

“Ollie.”

Before the name
left her mouth, he already had a sinking feeling of what her response would be.

It was then he
knew he had to revise his thinking. Gwendolyn had her faults, but she had
nothing to do with his attack. He had spent so much time and energy holding
Crystal’s mother accountable when he should have been looking much more closely
at his partner, and so called friend.

A sound caused
them both to look at the door. Crystal stood on the threshold watching Emmie
with a blank expression. Glancing between the women, Shane wondered what
thoughts were going through their minds.

“I’m so sorry for
your loss, Crystal.”

Crystal stared at
Emmie for so long, Shane though she wasn’t going to acknowledge her offer of
condolence. Finally, there was an inclination of her head before she looked
away.

“Are you hungry,
Crys?”

“I’ll make you
both something. How about a sandwich and some coffee?” Emmie asked already
moving towards the kettle.

“No thank you,”
Crystal politely declined and left the kitchen.

“She hates me,
doesn’t she?” Emmie asked staring at the place the other woman had stood only
moments before.

“Nah, Crys doesn’t
do hate. Or at least she didn’t in the past. So, why don’t you tell me
something that will stop
me
from hating you?”