Cryptonomicon (82 page)

Father John snaps awake, and Mr. Drkh looks as if he’s just taken a fifty-caliber round in the small of his back. Clearly, Mr. Drkh has had a long career of being the weird
est person in any given room, but he’s about to go down in flames.

In general, Waterhouse isn’t good at just winging it, but he’s tired and pissed off and horny, and this is a fucking war, and sometimes you
have
to. He mounts the podium, dives for a round of chalk, and starts hammering equations onto the blackboard like an ack-ack gun. He uses well-tempered tuning as a starting point, takes off from there into the deepest realms of advanced number theory, circles back all of a sudden to the Qwghlmian modal scale, just to keep them on their toes, and then goes screaming straight back into number theory again. In the process, he actually stumbles across some interesting material that he doesn’t think has been covered in the literature yet, and so he diverts from strict bullshitting for a few minutes to explore this thing and actually prove something that he thinks could probably be published in a mathematical journal, if he just gets around to typing it up properly. It reminds him that he’s not half bad at this stuff when he’s recently ejaculated, and that in turn just fuels his resolve to get this Mary-fucking thing worked out.

Finally, he turns around, for the first time since he started. Father John and Mr. Drkh are both dumbfounded.

“Let me just demonstrate!” Waterhouse blurts, and strides out of the room and doesn’t bother looking back. Back in the church, he goes to the console, blows the dandruff off the keys, hits the main power switch. The electric motors come on, somewhere back behind the screen, and the instrument begins to complain and whine. No matter—it can all be drowned out. He scans the rows of stops—he already knows what this organ’s got, because he’s listened and deconstructed. He starts yanking out knobs.

Now Waterhouse is going to demonstrate that Bach can sound good even played on Mr. Drkh’s organ, if you choose the right key. Just as Father John and Mr. Drkh are about halfway up the aisle, Waterhouse slams into that old chestnut, Toccata and Fugue in D Minor, except that he’s transposing it into C-sharp minor as he goes along, because (according to a very elegant calculation that just came into his head as he was running up the aisle of the church) it
ought to sound good that way when played in Mr. Drkh’s mangled tuning system.

The transposition is an awkward business at first and he hits a few wrong notes, but then it comes naturally and he transitions from the toccata into the fugue with tremendous verve and confidence. Gouts of dust and salvos of mouse droppings explode from the pipes as Waterhouse invokes whole ranks that have not been used in decades. Many of these are big bad loud reed stops that are difficult to tune. Waterhouse senses the pumping machinery straining to keep up with this unprecedented demand for power. The choir loft is suffused with a brilliant glow as the dust flung out of the choked pipes fills the air and catches the light coming through the rose window. Waterhouse muffs a pedal line, spitefully kicks off his terrible shoes and begins to tread the pedals the way he used to back in Virginia, with his bare feet, the trajectory of the bass line traced out across the wooden pedals in lines of blood from his exploded blisters. This baby has some nasty thirty-two-foot reed stops in the pedals, real earthshakers, probably put there specifically to irritate the Outer Qwghlmians across the street. None of the people who go to this church have ever heard these stops called into action, but Waterhouse puts them to good use now, firing off power chords like salvos from the mighty guns of the battleship
Iowa.

All during the service, during the sermon and the scripture readings and the prayers, when he wasn’t thinking about fucking Mary, he was thinking about how he was going to fix this organ. He was thinking back to the organ he worked on in Virginia, how the stops enabled the flow of air to the different ranks of pipes and how the keys on the keyboards activated all of the pipes that were enabled. He has this whole organ visualized in his head now, and while he is pounding through to the end of the figure, the top of his skull comes off, the filtered red light pours in, he sees the entire machine in his mind, as if in an exploded draftsman’s view. Then it transforms itself into a slightly different machine—an organ that runs on electricity, with ranks of vacuum tubes here, and a grid of relays there. He has the answer, now, to Turing’s question, the question of how to take a pat
tern of binary data and bury it into the circuitry of a thinking machine so that it can be later disinterred.

Waterhouse knows how to make electric memory. He must go write a letter to Alan instantly!

“Excuse me,” he says, and runs from the church. On his way out, he brushes past a small young woman who has been standing there gaping at his performance. When he is several blocks away, he realizes two things: that he is walking down the street barefoot, and that the young woman was Mary cCmndhd. He will have to circle back later and get his shoes and maybe fuck her. But first things first!

RANDY OPENS HIS
eyes from out of a sliding nightmare. He was in his car, driving down the Pacific Coast Highway, when something went wrong with the steering. The car began to wander, first towards the vertical stone cliff on the left and then towards the sheer drop to huge jagged rocks projecting from thrashing waves on the right. Big rocks were rolling nonchalantly across the highway. He could not steer; the only way to stop moving is to open his eyes.

He is lying on a sleeping bag on a polished maple floor that is not level, and that is why he had the sliding dream. The eye/inner ear conflict makes his body spasm, he flails to plant both hands against the plane of the floor.

America Shaftoe sits, jeaned and barefoot, in the blue light of a window, bobby pins sprouting from chapped lips, looking at her face in an isosceles triangle of mirror whose scalpel-sharp edges depress but do not cut the pink skin of her fingertips. A web of lead ropes sags in the empty windowframe, a few lozenges of beveled glass still trapped in the interstices. Randy lifts his head slightly and looks downhill, into the corner of the room, and sees a great heap of swept shards. He rolls over, looks out the door and across the hallway and into what used to be Charlene’s home office. Robin and Marcus Aurelius Shaftoe are sharing a double mattress in there, a shotgun and a rifle, a couple of big black
cop flashlights, a Bible and a calculus textbook neatly arranged on the floor next to them.

The nightmare’s feeling of panic, of needing to go somewhere and do something, subsides. Lying here in his ruined house listening to Amy’s brush whistle through her hair, throwing off electrostatic snaps, is one of the calmer moments he’s had.

“You just about ready to hit the road?” Amy says.

Across the hallway, one of the Shaftoe boys sits up without making any sound. The other opens his eyes, lifts his head, glances towards the weapons, lights, and Good Book, then relaxes again.

“I got a fire going out in the yard,” Amy says, “and some water boiling. Didn’t think it was safe to use the fireplace.”

Everyone slept in their clothes last night. All they have to do is put their shoes on and piss out the windows. The Shaftoes move about the place faster than Randy does, not because they are more surefooted, but because they never saw this house when it was level and sound. But Randy lived here for years and years when it was, and his mind thinks it knows its way around the place. Going to bed last night, his biggest fear was that he would get up drowsily in the middle of the night and try to go downstairs. The house used to have a beautiful winding stairway which has now telescoped into the basement. Last night, by dint of pulling the U-Haul onto the front lawn and aiming its headlights directly in through windows (whose cracks and jags and facets refracted the light gorgeously), they were able to clamber into the basement and find a ten-foot aluminum extension ladder which they used to get into the upstairs. Once they had gotten up, they pulled the ladder up with them, like a drawbridge, so that even if looters did enter the downstairs, the Shaftoe boys would be able to sit at the top of what used to be the stairway and pick them off leisurely with the long guns (this scenario seemed plausible last night, in the dark, but now strikes Randy as a bumpkin’s reverie).

Amy’s turned some balusters from the veranda’s railing into a nice bonfire in the front yard. She stomps a crushed saucepan back into shape with a small number of deftly aimed heel-strokes and cooks oatmeal. The Shaftoe boys
throw whatever looks potentially useful into the back of the U-Haul, and check the oil in their hot rod.

All of Charlene’s stuff is in New Haven now. In Dr. G. E. B. Kivistik’s house, to be specific. He has generously offered to let her stay there while she looks for a house; Randy predicts she’ll never leave. All of Randy’s stuff is in Manila or in Avi’s basement, and all of the disputed items are in a storage locker at the edge of town.

Randy spent most of yesterday evening cruising around town checking in on various old friends to see if they were all right. Amy went with him, taking a voyeuristic interest in this tour of his former life, and, from a social point of view, complicating things incalculably. In any case, they didn’t make it back to the house until after dark, and so this is Randy’s first chance to see the damage in full daylight. He orbits it again and again, amused, almost to the point of giggling, by how perfectly destroyed it is, taking pictures with a disposable camera he borrowed from Marcus Aurelius Shaftoe, trying to see if there is anything left that could conceivably be worth money.

The house’s stone foundation rises three feet above grade. The wooden walls of the house were built on top of that, but not actually attached to it (a common practice in the old days, which, at the time he blew town, was on Randy’s list of things to fix before the next earthquake). When the earth began to oscillate side-to-side at 2:16 in the afternoon yesterday, the foundation oscillated right along with it, but the house wanted to stay where it was. Eventually the foundation wall moved right out from underneath the house, one corner of which dropped three feet to the ground. Randy could probably estimate the amount of kinetic energy the house picked up during this fall, and convert it to an equivalent in pounds of dynamite or swings of a wrecking ball, but it would be a nerdy exercise, since he can see the effects for himself. Let’s just say that when it smashed to earth the whole structure suffered a vicious shock. The parallel, upright joists in the floors all went horizontal, collapsing like dominoes. Every window and doorframe instantly became a parallelogram, so all of the glass broke, and in particular all of the leaded glass was
rent asunder. The stairway fell into the basement. The chimney, which had been in need of tuck-pointing for some time, sprayed bricks all over the yard. Most of the plumbing was wrecked, which means that the heating system is history, since the house used radiators. The plaster fell from the lath everywhere, cumulative tons of old horse-hair plaster just exploding out of the walls and ceilings and mixing with the water from the busted plumbing to make a grey slurry that congealed in the downhill corners of the rooms. The hand-crafted Italian tiles that Charlene picked out for the bathrooms are seventy-five percent broken. The granite counters in the kitchen are now seamed tectonic systems. A few of the major appliances look repairable, but ownership of those was in dispute anyway.

“It’s a tear-down, sir,” says Robin Shaftoe. He has spent his whole life in some Tennessee mountain town, living in trailers and cabins, but even he has enough real estate acumen to sense this.

“Is there something you wanted to get out of the basement, sir?” says Marcus Aurelius Shaftoe.

Randy laughs. “There’s a filing cabinet down there… wait!” he reaches out and puts a hand on Marcus’s shoulder, to prevent him from sprinting into the house and diving like Tarzan into the stairway-pit. “The reason I wanted it was because it contains every single receipt for every penny I put into this house. See, it was a wreck when I bought it. Sort of like it is now. Maybe not as bad.”

“You need those papers for your dee-vorce?”

Randy stops and clears his throat in mild exasperation. He has explained to them five times that he was never married to Charlene and so it’s not a divorce. But this idea of living with a woman to whom one is not married is so embarrassing to the Tennessee branch of the Shaftoes that they simply cannot process it, and so they keep talking about “your ex-wahf” and “your dee-vorce.”

Noting Randy’s hesitation, Robin says, “Or for the IN-surance?”

Randy laughs with surprising heartiness.

“You did get IN-surance, didn’t you sir?”

“Earthquake insurance, around here, is basically unobtainable,” Randy says.

This is the first time it dawns on any of the Shaftoes that as of 2:16
P.M.
. yesterday afternoon, in an instant, Randy’s net worth dropped by something like three hundred thousand dollars. They skulk away from him and leave him alone for a while, taking pictures to document the loss.

Amy comes over. “Oatmeal’s ready,” she says.

“Okay.”

She stands close to him with her arms folded. The town is uncannily quiet: the power is off and few vehicles are on the streets. “I’m sorry I ran you off the road.”

Randy looks at his Acura: the gouge, high on the left rear fender, where the bumper of Amy’s U-Haul truck took him from behind, and the crumpled front right bumper where he was forced into a parked Ford Fiesta. “Don’t worry about it.”

“If I’d known—Jesus. The last thing you need is a body shop bill on top of everything else. I’ll pay for it.”

“Seriously. Don’t worry about it.”

“Well…”

“Amy, I know perfectly well you don’t give a shit about my stupid car, and when you pretend otherwise, the strain shows.”

“You’re right. But I’m sorry I misapprehended the situation.”

“It was my fault,” Randy says, “I should have explained why I was coming here. Why the hell did you rent a U-Haul, anyway?”

“They were all out of regular cars at the San Francisco Airport. Some kind of big convention at the Moscone Center. So I displayed adaptability.”
^*

“How the hell did you get here so fast? I thought I took the last flight out of Manila.”

“I got to NAIA only a few minutes after you did, Randy. Your flight was full. I got on the next flight to Tokyo. I think my flight actually took off before yours did.”

“Mine was delayed on the ground.”

“Then from Narita I just grabbed the next flight to SFO.
Landed a couple hours after you. So I was surprised that you and I pulled into town here at the same time.”

“I stopped over at a friend’s house. And I took the scenic route.” Randy closes his eyes for a moment, remembering those loose boulders on the Pacific Coast Highway, the roadway shaking beneath the tires of his Acura.

“See, when I saw your car, that’s when I felt that God was with me, or something,” Amy said. “Or with you.”

“God was with me? How do you figure?”

“Well, first of all, I have to tell you that I left Manila not out of concern for you but out of burning rage, and a desire to just feed you your ass on a plate.”

“I figured.”

“It’s not even clear to me that you and I constitute a potential couple. But you have started acting towards me in a way that indicates some interest in that direction, so you have certain obligations.” Amy has now started to get pissed off and begun to move around the yard. The Shaftoe boys eye her warily from across their steaming oatmeal bowls, ready to spring into action and wrestle her to the ground if she should fly out of control. “It would be just… totally… unacceptable for you to make those kinds of representations to me and then jet off and cuddle with your California sweetheart without coming to me first and going through certain formalities, which would be awkward but which I would hope you would be man enough to endure. Right?”

“Absolutely right. Never felt otherwise.”

“So you can imagine how it looked.”

“I guess so. Assuming you have no faith in me whatsoever.”

“Well, I’m sorry for that, but I will say that on the flight over I began to think that it wasn’t your fault, that Charlene had somehow gotten to you.”

“What do you mean, gotten to me?”

Amy looks at the ground. “I don’t know, she must have some kind of hold over you.”

“I think not.” Randy sighs.

“Anyway, I thought that maybe you were just in the process of making a big, stupid mistake. So when I got on that plane in Tokyo I was just going to track you down
and…” She draws a deep breath and mentally counts to ten. “But when I got off that plane I was
to boot
just obsessed with this disgusting image of you getting back together with this woman who obviously was no damn good for you. And I felt that would be an unfortunate outcome for you. And I thought I was too late to do anything about it. So, when I got into town, and pulled around the corner and saw your Acura in the lane right there in front of me, and you talking on your cellphone—”

“I was leaving a message on your answering machine in Manila,” Randy says. “Explaining that I was just coming here to pick up some papers and there’d been an earthquake only minutes before and so I might be a while.”

“Well, I didn’t have
time
to check my messages, which were placed on my machine
too late
to accomplish any
useful purpose,
” Amy says, “and so I had to go on an
imperfect knowledge
of these events since no one had bothered to
fill me in.
”

“So…”

“I felt that cooler heads should prevail.”

“And therefore you
ran me off the road?
”

Amy looks a little disappointed. She takes a patient, Montessori-preschool-teacher tone of voice. “Now, Randy, think about priorities for just a minute. I could see the way you were driving.”

“I was in a hurry to find out whether I was totally destitute, or merely bankrupt.”

“But because of my
imperfect knowledge
of the situation I thought maybe you were rushing into your poor little Charlene’s arms. In other words, that the emotional stress of the earthquake might induce you to—who knows what, relationship-wise.”

Randy presses his lips together and takes a huge breath through his nose.