Crying Out Loud (20 page)

‘He's your boyfriend?' I asked her.

‘Was. For, like, five minutes. I didn't want him near her.'

My heart sank. It sounded like Leanne was still stuck in the same murky, dangerous world as when I'd last known her.

‘Why me?' I asked.

She shifted Lola to the other shoulder. ‘He never knew about you – wouldn't have a clue. Anyone else, he might have guessed. You helped us out before,' she said gruffly, a wash of colour in her cheeks.

‘How did you know I was still here?'

‘The phone call about energy suppliers?' She smirked. I'd a dim recollection, a cold call.

‘You hung up on me halfway through the spiel. And you're in the Yellow Pages so I knew you were still in business. So I brought Lola here, then I kept moving.'

‘Where did you go?' I asked.

‘Seaside. Friggin' cold.'

‘Where did you sleep?'

‘Wherever.' She raised Lola up, held her by the waist and let her fly, arms extended like a little astronaut.

‘Outside?' Ray clarified.

Leanne shot him a pitying look and lowered Lola.

‘Won't he still be looking for you?' I was worried for her, for the baby.

‘Nah. He got into a scrap on Saturday night, glassed this bloke. He's out on licence so he goes straight back in.' She smiled, lowered Lola and held her on one hip. I thought of Chloe Beswick, managing with her kids, planning her brother's funeral.

‘So, where are you living?' I said.

‘Been over in Leeds for a while. I'm on the list for a place; they say it could be eighteen months. I'm at a mate's, on the couch. Her bloke's fed up with us being there so I might have to find somewhere else. She been all right for you, then?'

‘You don't seem to have any idea of the trouble you've caused.' Ray spoke; I could tell from his tone that he was furious.

‘What trouble?' Leanne's lip curled.

‘Ray,' I tried to interrupt, calm him down. I knew Leanne's apparent recklessness; her insouciance was as much a front as anything else. Lecturing her would only provoke more of the same.

‘What if we'd gone to the authorities?' he demanded.

‘Well, you didn't, did you?' she flung back at him.

‘If it had been up to me—'

‘Well, I didn't leave her with you, I left her with Sal. Wouldn't leave a bloody goldfish with someone like you.'

They were squaring up like dogs for a fight.

‘And now you expect us to watch you pick up the baby and sail off, God knows where, sleeping on the streets with her.' He got to his feet.

Leanne jabbed a finger at him. ‘You don't know anything about me, mate, so keep your nose out.'

‘Can you look after her? Properly?' he challenged.

‘Ray, please—' I tried.

‘Yes, I bloody can. I left her here, didn't I, to keep her safe. She's never had to sleep on the streets, she's never gone hungry. I look after her.' She was worked up, shouting. Lola was beginning to whimper. I didn't want Leanne storming out, for the whole thing to collapse into a slanging match.

‘Of course you can,' I said steadily. ‘Let's just calm down. Look, you'd like a cup of tea, something to eat?'

Ray made a blurting sound. I ignored him.

‘Yeah, ta.' She patted Lola again, whispering to her, turning her back on Ray.

‘Ray?' I nodded to him to get out and make the tea. I thought he'd combust. ‘I'd like to talk to Leanne in private. What'd you like?' I asked her. ‘Beans egg, toast?'

‘Yeah, ta.'

Ray gave a hollow laugh. ‘You want to feed her, you make it.' He strode out of the room.

Leanne swung round, raised her eyebrows to me. ‘Knobhead,' she said.

‘So, how are you doing, really?' I said quietly.

‘Fine.'

‘Leanne,' I said gently, ‘it can't have been easy—'

She sat on the floor, settled Lola on her back between her legs so the child could see her face, Leanne held the baby's feet, rubbed her thumbs against the small soles. ‘It hasn't, but soon as I was expecting I got myself sorted, cleaned up.'

‘You were using?' I tried to keep any censure from my voice.

‘Just pills. Not now, though. Nothing since, well  . . . a bit of weed. I'm not going to mess this up.' She met my eyes, a moment's direct honesty. ‘You know what happened to me,' she reminded me. She paused for a fraction, the bitter history hung in the air. ‘Well, I did a parenting course,' she said. ‘There's this project in Leeds. It's good. I'm gonna do an access course when she's bigger. I'm going to do right by her.'

I believed her. Or at least I believed the desire behind it. Whether she'd be able to overcome the weight of her past, change the fate she had been dealt and reinvent her life was impossible to guess. ‘What would you like to do?'

‘Youth work,' she said, quick as a flash. ‘Have to get some exams first. But the tutor says I could do it, just need to put the work in.'

‘Good. I'll get that food.'

Leanne scrambled to her feet and picked up Lola. In the kitchen she strapped her in the baby seat and chattered to her while I made the meal. When I put the plate down in front of her she said, ‘Ta,' and began to eat ravenously, smacking her lips and with her eyes on Lola in between.

‘This place you're staying,' I asked her, ‘you said it was in Leeds?'

‘Chapeltown. I might move back this way but then I don't know if they'd transfer me on the lists. Could try the housing associations.'

‘And the access course?' I said.

‘They'll have the same sort of thing here.'

Ray came in. He still hadn't got dressed and ignored us and began making a cup of tea.

Lola grinned and blew a raspberry. Leanne waved her fork at her.

When I thought of them leaving, Lola disappearing, it gave me a hollow ache inside. Then I had an idea. Crazy but perfect.

‘You got any biscuits?' Leanne asked.

I found her some shortbread. ‘We've got a room to let,' I said. ‘A flat – on the top floor.'

‘You are joking!' Ray exploded, slamming his teaspoon on to the counter.

‘Don't think Mr Hitler there's all that keen,' Leanne smirked.

‘Sal,' Ray warned, ‘no way.'

‘A trial run,' I said to both of them. ‘A month. You'd have to pay your way,' I told Leanne, ‘rent, bills.'

‘Once my benefits come through,' she qualified.

‘You are out of your mind,' Ray said to me. ‘We decide on tenants together – you can't just unilaterally invite her like this.'

I felt my own anger rising. ‘I just did.' I was truculent, even more determined to see the idea through now Ray was so riled. Why did he always have to be so po-faced about things? With our lives in such a state of flux, I didn't even know if he'd be here with me in a month's time. ‘We need a tenant, she needs a room. It's a good place for a baby—'

‘We have got enough going on without all this.' He gesticulated wildly at Leanne and Lola. ‘You playing bloody social worker.'

‘Stop overreacting!' I yelled.

‘I can't talk to you when you're like this,' he threw back his head, ‘and she is not moving in without my agreement.' He walked out.

Leanne exhaled noisily. ‘That's a no, then?' she said.

‘I don't give up that easily,' I told her. ‘There are house rules, though.'

‘Like agreeing who moves in?'

I started to smile, stopped as my face ached. ‘No smoking for a start.'

‘I never smoke in the house, it's bad for Lola. I'll just nip out now, though.' She fished rolling tobacco and papers from her pocket.

When she came back in, I took her up to the attic and gave her the tour. It's a nice flat, sloping ceilings, a view of the garden from the main room, a smaller room furnished as a bedroom across the landing, shower and WC between. Basic furnishings. Leanne settled Lola on the rug while we looked round.

‘You'd have to share the kitchen, downstairs,' I explained.

She was looking out of the dormer window; she'd gone very quiet.

‘No wild parties,' I said, ‘no trouble, you'd have to keep it nice. You could redecorate if you want.'

She turned her head to mine, her arms crossed in front of her. ‘Why would you do that? Let me stay?' Her face was serious, almost angry-looking.

‘We need a lodger.'

‘But me, bit of a risk, isn't it?'

‘Yeah,' I admitted. ‘Maybe I like the odd risk.'

She blinked and looked away, her jaw flexed; she was moved and I felt my own throat ache in response.

‘You know what I did,' she said softly. It was a question as much as anything. Did it matter, would I report her, did it define her?

‘Yes. And I know why.' I thought back to that night in the park, dark, drizzling. Looking for a lost boy before his captors found him. Men in the dark, fists and guns. Fear coursing through me. Bones running soft. The gunshot to my shoulder throwing me back against stone. Leanne, hiding in the gloom, firing at the man, killing him. Blood everywhere. ‘We can't change the past.' In the quiet I could hear the clatter of a train in the distance. ‘You're making a go of things, now.'

‘Yeah. But yer man isn't too happy.'

‘I'm not sure he is my man,' I said frankly.

‘How's that?'

‘Maybe later,' I put her off.

‘Yer better off without him,' she said vehemently.

‘Why's that?'

She looked incredulous. Nodded. ‘Your face?'

I touched my jaw where a bruise had blossomed courtesy of Nick Dryden. ‘No,' I smiled, grasping her meaning, ‘it's nothing like that. That's not him.' And Ray hadn't even noticed, hadn't mentioned it. My shoulder was throbbing too and so were my shins, where Dryden had kicked at me so viciously. ‘You think I'd stay with someone who was beating me up?'

‘Plenty do. It's not just to wind him up, is it? To spite him? 'Cos if it is—'

‘No,' I broke in. Though a teensy bit of me had enjoyed provoking that reaction. ‘Maybe you deserve a break. I was on my own with Maddie, at first. It was hard. Too hard. Finding this place, sharing with Ray, it got a lot easier. He's got a little boy.' Two, I thought to myself. ‘And Lola, well, she's lovely.'

Leanne grinned. ‘She been sleeping?'

‘Not so's you'd notice,' I muttered, Leanne-style. The prospect of an unbroken night swam into view. Oh, bliss. ‘She's got a tooth,' I suddenly remembered.

‘No way! Let's see.' She picked her up, started praising her.

‘What do you think, then?' I asked her. ‘A month's trial?' I glanced at my watch; I needed to collect Maddie and Tom.

‘What about him?' she asked me.

‘I'll deal with him.' I sounded more confident than I felt.

‘Cool. I'll have to let the council know, could be months before they sort my benefits out.'

‘That's OK. Good. And I meant it about the rules – any trouble, anything dodgy, and it's off, no second chance.'

She opened her mouth and I expected protest, injured pride, but she took stock and instead just nodded. ‘'Course.'

‘I've got to get the kids from school. Make yourself at home. If you want a shower, there are towels in the cupboard in the bathroom downstairs. There's sheets and bedding there, too, if you want to make up the bed.'

She nodded, did that funny little blink again. ‘Ta.'

As I reached the first-floor landing, Ray was there, arms folded, stern from head to toe, his eyes hot with fever and frustration. ‘We have to talk about it; you can't just let her move in.'

My throat hurt. ‘We need to talk about a lot of things, Ray: us, this, Laura, Oscar.' I pulled on my jacket, aware that this time I was the one postponing time to discuss things. ‘We can talk this evening, or tomorrow,' I suggested.

‘So she stays tonight?' he huffed. ‘She's not going to want to move once she's got her feet under the table.'

‘You don't know her,' I objected.

‘Do you? Know her well?'

I thought of my past with Leanne. The dreadful things she'd been through, the terrible things she'd done, things that I would not tell Ray – not now, maybe never.

‘I know her enough to give her a chance. And there is no way on earth I would offer her the flat if I thought it couldn't work out. I'd never risk what we've got here.' I hoped he'd soften then, acknowledge that what we had something, something important, permanent. But he gave me nothing. ‘I'd better go.'

He stood there, a sadness in his eyes now, as though we'd lost something. Maybe we had. Maybe we couldn't hold on to that first flush of passion with so many upheavals coming our way. I felt sad, too, more so as I realized I didn't have the courage to approach him. If I laid a hand on his shoulder or touched his cheek with my palm would he shy away, slap me down? I didn't have the heart to find out.

SEVENTEEN

W
e didn't talk that evening. Ray kept to his room and didn't even join us for tea. Leanne was introduced to Maddie and Tom and made quite an impression, teaching them some complicated hand-jive greeting and some street slang (inoffensive as far as I could tell). I spent half an hour picking bits of glass out of the back of the car. Leanne could not believe we hadn't got a working telly. She stared at me, aghast.

‘I thought people your age were multi-platform,' I said.

‘You what?'

‘MP3, Internet, downloading movies to your phone.'

‘Yeah, but you still need a telly,' she said.

‘We are going to replace it, just not had chance,' I explained.

She sighed.

‘Sheila had one in the flat. There's an aerial socket up there. In fact, that would make sense, to get you one of your own.'