When my shift ends I leave the station with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I thought of visiting Hailey but she has uni today. I considered going to the gym, but I’m not really in the mood. When I get home my parents are out so the house is quiet. I make myself a sandwich and sit at the kitchen table to eat it. Four and half hours until Em knocks off work and I get to meet her at the station. I know she has plans with Kat, but I can still walk her home right? I pull out my phone and stare at her picture on my screen. It’s the one from Kat’s wedding, not the sexy accidental body shot but the sweet bridesmaid one. I’ve had it there ever since she sent it to me.
God
, how did I become this person? Sitting around, counting down the hours until I can see a girl… I never thought it would happen to me. I always thought any guy going ga-ga over a girl needed their head red. I thought they were all idiots. Why would you ever want to be chained to one person? At this age?
But then Em isn't just 'a girl', she i
s something else entirely.
I glance at the clock again.
Yep, still four and half hours.
I can’t just sit here watching the time. I need to do something. At a total loss, I decide to call in to see Dan. I grab my car keys and head out.
Dan is an accountant. His office is on the edge of the city about a fifteen minute drive away. When I get
there the receptionist buzzes his phone, I don’t wait long before he is standing in front of me.
“Hey Nick, what’s going on?”
“Not much, have you had lunch?” I may have already eaten, but I’d eat again for something to do and a chance to talk.
“Eating in today, sorry
, I’m really busy, no time to go out. But you can come and watch me eat. Chat for a bit.”
“Sure.”
He leads me down a narrow hallway to his small office. Once seated, he pulls a brown paper bag out of his drawer. I shut the door and take a seat on the opposite side of his desk.
“
Shit!” His hand comes up and he gives himself a forehead slap. “I totally forgot! You had that thing with all your family yesterday.”
“Yeah, some mate you are! Thanks for showing up!” I tease him with a smirk.
“I’m so sorry! I was busy with Jo. I can’t believe I forgot!”
“It’s okay,” I laugh at him. Ordinarily it would bother me, getting blown off by my best mate.
Again. For a chick. But I’m starting to look at things a little differently lately. And honestly, I forgot about him yesterday just as much as he forgot about me. My stomach growls as I watch Dan unwrap his lunch.
“
I’d offer you some, but I’m famished and Jo makes the best sandwiches, I couldn’t possibly part with any.” He takes a big bite and moans in satisfaction to prove his point. I sit silently and watch him eat for a moment. “What? No dig about Jo making me a packed lunch?”
“Nah man, you’re lucky to ha
ve someone to do that for you.” He gives me a funny look and then takes another bite without saying a word. “So things are going well with you two then?” I ask.
“Things are great!” He smiles
around his mouthful and I grin back at him.
“Good
, I’m really happy for you both.”
“Okay. Who are you and where did that sad fuck go?”
“What?” I laugh at the funny look on his face.
“You are smiling like a fucking Cheshire cat and congratulating me
for snagging Jo. You’ve been like a bear with a sore head these past few weeks. What gives? What’s changed?” I just stare at him as he continues to eat his sandwich.
Had my bad mood these past weeks been that obvious?
“Get a good lay on the weekend, did ya?”
“Fuck off!” I snarl
. It was bad enough when Em referred to what we have as an “arrangement”, I don’t need Dan cheapening it even further. “It’s not like that!”
“Dude, chill.”
He smirks at me. “No need to get your knickers in a twist.”
“Sorry,” I mumble. I look away from the cocky son-of-a-bitch for a moment as I decide whether I should tell him anything now. But if anyone would understand it would be him,
a reformed player now in a serious relationship. “It’s Em…”
“You dirty dog!
She has a boyfriend, doesn’t she?”
“Not anymore.”
Dan raises his eyebrows at me and I know what he’s thinking. Having known him since we were kids, I know how his brain works. He’s wondering if I split them up, if she cheated on him with me. It pisses me off that he would think I would stoop that low, he should know I'm not that guy. He was that guy, once upon a time, but not me. Dan never showed any restraint when it came to cheating, though I think Jo may have changed his mind about that now. “And no, I didn’t break them up,” I answer his unspoken question, unable to hide my anger. I take a deep breath to reign in my temper before I continue, “Apparently they broke up about a month ago.”
“And what?
You just found this out?”
“Yep.”
I shrug.
“
Duuude.” Again I can tell what he’s thinking so I just nod. Dan knows that I haven’t been out on the scene for a while and I guess he figured it was because of Em. “What about Hailey?”
Or maybe not.
“Hailey?
Nah man, we’re just mates.”
“So you two haven’t…?” I shake my head in answer. “
But you’ve been hanging out with her so much, I just thought…”
“She’s been a good friend, but it’s not like that. She was there for me when I needed to talk about stuff.”
“You mean I’ve been replaced by a chick?” He chuckles. “What
stuff
did you need to talk about, that you couldn’t talk about with me?”
“You’ve been busy with Jo, a
nd Hailey and me just click, you know? I needed a mate is all.”
“What’s going on with you? Are you sick or something? What was so important that you
needed
a mate? Are your parents okay?” I see the concern on his face as he jumps to all the wrong conclusions.
“I’m not sick. My parents’ are fine. I’ve just…”
I taper off.
“
I feel like an arsehole. You haven’t been yourself lately and I didn’t even ask. I’ve been too caught up with Jo-”
“It’s okay. I didn’t understand that shit before, but I get it now, the whole wanting to be with one person bit.
See this thing with Em…”
“Yeah?”
“She’s giving me what I’ve always wanted, sex - no strings.” I stare out the window behind Dan’s head.
“And?” he prompts me again.
“And… I don’t want that anymore.”
He takes another bit
e of his sandwich and nods thoughtfully as he chews. I sit patiently, waiting for him to say something, to poke fun at me and pick on me for becoming a douche like him. But instead he says, “You really like her? And you want to have a relationship with her?”
“Yeah.”
“Finally!” he booms loudly, making me flinch. “I thought she meant more to you than you were letting on.”
“You did?”
“I saw your reaction when she was with her boyfriend at that party.” He nods, “Nick, mate, what about your trip?”
I let out a frustrated growl, “I know, I know.
Could the timing be any worse?”
“What are you going to do?”
“Hey, what are you doing here?” I ask Nick, who is standing in front of me as soon as I hop off the train.
“
Well that's not the greeting I expected.”
He pulls me into his body and kisses me square on the lips.
Pulling back slightly, he charms me with his sexy smile.
“I wanted to see you.”
“Nick, I told you I have plans with Kat tonight.”
I know I sound ungrateful,
and whiny, and I don't mean to, I think it's sweet that he wanted to see me. I desperately wanted to see him too. I thought of nothing else all day at work, barely got any work done in fact. But I also know it's not a good idea to become so dependent on him, to spend too much time with him, when he is about to leave the country. And when my feelings for him are so strong, just being near him so much is making everything more difficult. The lines of friendship are being blurred and I cannot fight my feelings when I am around him.
Who am I kidding? I can't fight them when we are apart either.
“I thought I could walk you home.”
He smiles at me sweetly and moves to my side. With one arm still around my waist we
walk from the platform. And it's nice, it feels right, having Nick by my side, his arm around me, but it feels wrong too. As much as I want this it just feels too… coupley. I move away slightly, forcing his arm to drop. He doesn't argue. From the corner of my eye though, I can tell by his posture he's not entirely happy about it. I feel the need to explain, to remind him of what this is, that it can't be anything more and acting like there is more to us is only going to make the ache in my heart that much stronger when he leaves. I want him to know I understand what our relationship really is and he can't allow me to feel more than he does, that it's not fair. He can't make me feel
coupley
when he doesn't feel the same. I want to tell him how I feel about him and tell him how this
arrangement
is already fracturing my heart. With every second that passes, his departure looms closer and my heart fractures a teeny bit more. I want to explain how when he leaves, I will be well and truly shattered. I want to do everything I can to protect myself. And I know the best way is to be open and tell him all of this… but my jaw feels like it is wired shut, I can't speak, I can't bring myself to utter a single word.
The tension between us thickens with each silent step we take.
I can tell that his mind is ticking over, but on what exactly, I wish I knew. I think of how different we were this morning, kissing in his booth, to how we are now. Is this even the same day?
“
So how was work?” Nick finally breaks the silence.
“
Fine,” I mumble.
“
What did you work on today?”
Nick shoves
his hands in his jean pockets as I glance at him. The smile he gives me is genuine but I can see the question in his eyes. He wants to make small talk about as much as I do. I see my driveway up ahead and plan my escape. The only thing I can offer him is probably the only reason he came to walk me home anyway… sex.
“
Okay. Come over later,” I blurt out. “I'll text you when Kat leaves.”
I quicken my pace, distancing myself from him, getting closer to my destination.
My apartment. Where I can shut the door and have a moment to sort out the jumble in my head.
“Em
wait!” Nick calls and starts after me.
“
I can't Nick, not now.” My feet quicken even more. “
Please
,” I plead, glancing over my shoulder to see him freeze on the sidewalk. I quickly turn back in the direction of my apartment as I don't like the look on his face - a look of hurt and confusion. It's a face that will have me racing back into his arms, where I really want to be, if I look at it too long. So I don't. I don't look back again; I barely breathe, until I have my door firmly closed behind me. I lean my back against it and slide down to the floor. Squeezing my eyes shut I allow myself to completely unravel.
I’m pushing him away again. Aft
er I told him that I wouldn’t.
What the fuck am I doing?
What the fuck is she doing?
I thought she’d be happy to see me waiting for her at the station. After the talk I had with Dan, I was convinced the best course of action was to show Em how I felt. To find ways to prove to her that I am boyfriend material. Regardless of the fact that I am leaving soon, I want to be with her. And I want her to see that. I want her to see me in that light, not just as a friend but something more, and then she might see that there is a future for us. Picking your girl up after work to walk her home, kissing her and holding her and making plans together… isn’t that what relationships are all about? But for some reason it back-fired. I felt the wrong type of tension between us, not the nice kind I’d felt at work this morning.
Why do things have to be so fucking complicated?
I just want to go back to yesterday, to before we left her apartment, back to our bubble.
The TV show Kat and I usually watch on a Monday night has finished for the summer hiatus but that hasn't stopped us from having our regular pizza night. Now that footy season is over too, Luke has started having a boys' night at their house anyway. I’m looking forward to the distraction, hoping Kat can keep my mind off Nick, even for a little while.
Yeah, I also know how delusional that is!
Brushing my hair after a much needed shower
, I’m interrupted by incessant knocking on my door. Kat barges in before I get a chance to open it.
“So you’re not sick or dying?” she asks with concern
, before pulling me in for a quick hug.
“No
why?” I ask in confusion, noticing April come in behind her.
“Hi Em.
I hope you don’t mind me tagging along,” she says, giving me a hug too. “I just needed to get out of the house.”
“Of course not April
. It’s good to see ya.”
I note Kat glaring at me over April’s shoulder. She abruptly turns and storms off to my kitchen. She dumps her bag down and turns to face me with a scowl, hands on hips.
“I’ve been having all sorts of problems with my mum lately,” April says, oblivious to Kat’s demeanour. “I finally told her that I don’t care what she thinks about my job, I’m not quitting.” April recently took on a waitressing job at a strip club in the city. It’s not something I would ever consider, but it suits her and she seems to enjoy it. “I’m earning the best money I ever have, and it’s such a fun place to work and it’s not like I actually strip! But do you think that matters to her? The only solution at this stage is to move out.”
“Really?
So you’re going to start looking for a place then?”
“Yep, I’ve decided. And it can’t come soon enough!”
“Enough about your dramas April, I want to know why my best friend never returned my calls!” Kat complains getting our attention. It hits me then, Kat did call me a couple of times over the weekend and I didn’t answer the phone, too busy doing other things.
“I texted,” I reply, unsure if I really did or not. “Yeah I did, didn’t I?”
“Vague much?” she snaps.
“What?”
She sighs dramatically and rolls her eyes, “You texted ‘call you later’ but you never called!”
“Oh shit, sorry I was… occupied.”
“All weekend?”
I shrug at her and look down at the floor.
She’s been here all of two minutes and she’s already making my thoughts turn to Nick.
So much for the distraction.
“Hey,” she walks over
putting her arm on my shoulder, “you know I’m not really mad at you, right?” I look up and see her smile. “I have just been hanging out, waiting to find out what happened after Friday night.”
“Oh yeah,” April chimes in, “me too! I want to know about the
‘best sex of your life’ with Mr. Experienced.”
“Oh my god Kat,
you told her?” I ask in horrified embarrassment, shrugging Kat from my shoulder and turning on her with a glare.
She shrugs at me, “April’s family.”
“And I’m your friend Em,” April interrupts with a reassuring smile when I try to speak. “So spill. Friday night?
The best?
”
My thoughts turn back to Friday night and then Saturday, Sunday…
“Exactly what have you been occupied with
all
weekend Em?”
My face
heats unbearably with embarrassment.
No, Sunday was the best.
Kat bows down so that I’m forced to look her in the eye.
“It wasn’t just Friday night was it?
” she asks with a quirk of her mouth. I shake my head and bite my lip, trying to contain my smile as I recall fond memories. At the same time, I’m kind of annoyed Kat can always read me so well. Kat and April exchange evil glances and I know they are not going to let this go easily.
“Well, who’s for a drink?” April asks, clapping her hands together
and walking into the kitchen. I move past her and grab three wine glasses from the cupboard and place them on the bench. Kat pulls a bottle of wine from her oversized handbag and passes it to me.
“Yes, let’s ply her with liquor so she’ll speak.” Kat’s
eyes drill into me and when I look up at her I cannot contain my laughter at her amused face.
“Okay, you got me. Nick and I-”
“How many times?” Kat interrupts.
“He was here for most of the weekend. I don’t know how many.”
“A lot! I can tell by your face!” She points at me accusingly.
“Well…”
“Nick looks like a Greek God,” April pipes up. “I bet he fucks like one too!”
“April!” I yell, shocked but laughing anyway.
“Come on you can tell us!” Kat says.
I pick up my wine glass and bring it to my mouth. I eye them teasingly, knowing I don’t have a choice but to give them
some sort of answer.
“Well, he is Greek,” I say as evenly as possible
, causing them both to shriek with laughter.
“Go Em!” April shouts as she raises her hand for a high five, which I reluctantly give. “I’m so glad you two finally sorted yourselves out. Does this mean, like, you two are together, together now?”
“Nope,” I say caustically. I take another sip of my wine before grabbing the bottle from the bench and making my way to the couch. Kat and April follow armed with their own glasses.
“What do you mean
,
nope
?” Kat says, taking a seat beside me. “Didn’t you tell him how you feel? Something must have been said if he was here all weekend.”
“We’ve decided to keep things casual. He’s leaving to go overseas, so the best thing to do is just have a good time until then.”
“Good time? As in lots of hot, steamy sex?” April asks with a smirk.
“You’re hopeless April.” Kat shakes her head. “Is that all you ever think about?”
“Yes! When I’m not getting any I do!” April laughs. “I
so
need to get laid!”
We all laugh at that, and for a moment
I think they’ll let it go and not ask me anything more about this complicated situation with Nick.
Again, wishful thinking.
“So how
casual
are we talking Em?” Kat asks with concern. “I mean I know you say he is a player. But I’m sure you mean more to him than that.”
“What about the girl we saw him with at the club?”
April asks, reminding me that as far as I know he’s still seeing other people. I give April a shrug before taking another sip of wine.
“
Whose idea was it? This casual arrangement? He’s not seeing other people is he?” Kat asks suddenly getting angry and again reading my mind.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t matter anyway. We’ve come to an
arrangement, we’re friends that are having sex, that’s all.” I try my best to sound casual and unaffected by my words, but it is impossible when I feel my heart breaking as I speak. Kat tries to talk but I put my hand up to stop her. “He’s leaving soon. It doesn’t matter. Can we please talk about something else?”
Kat shuts
her mouth but I can see by its tight line she is finding it hard to bite her tongue on this one. She’s a good friend, she’s concerned for me, and I love her for it, but I can’t talk about this right now. If I do, I know I will break down. Instead, I turn to April trying to lighten the mood. “So let’s talk about you. Need to get laid, huh?”
That’s all it takes for the conversation to turn away from me.
April animatedly launches into a rant about her lack of love life. And while I feel Kat’s eyes on me, filled with concern, she doesn’t say another word about Nick.