Critical Failures II (Caverns and Creatures Book 2) (3 page)

Cooper's face hardened. “You're not so hot yourself, Deep Dish.”

Rhonda's stool scraped against the stone floor as she stood up suddenly. She threw her drink in Cooper's face and turned to Frank. “I want that one out of here.” She stomped off toward the bar.

Cooper licked as much of the liquid from his face as the length of his tongue would allow. “Fruity.”

Julian punched Cooper in the arm. “Can you keep that big trap of yours shut for just a second?”

“Don't sweat it,” said Frank. “Rhonda’ll get over it. She's just a little sensitive is all. She chose to be a human, and the stats she rolled just happened to be pretty spot on to her actual self.”

“So?” said Cooper.

Frank sighed. “So when you insult her character, you're not far off from insulting the real her.” He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Apparently, she's a fat uppity bitch in real life as well.” He clapped his hands together and spoke aloud again. “So, when are you boys from?”

“Excuse me?” said Julian.

“How long have you been here, and what was the date back on Earth when you made the crossover?”

“We've only been here a few days,” said Tim, his gaze fixed on the front entrance. The better part of a week maybe. It was June 16th when we left.”

Frank hopped down onto his chair and slammed a fist down on the table. “Dammit!” he said. Tim jumped. The soft din of neighboring conversations came to a halt. Frank closed his eyes and took a few deliberate breaths. “Four more fucking months.”

Heads hung low at nearby tables as patrons stared gloomily into their drinks.

The half-elf called Ed spoke up. “Our real lives are just flying by without us. Most of us are probably presumed dead.”

Cooper drained his glass in one giant swig, let loose an impressive belch, and scratched an armpit. “Mordred can suck on my nuts.”

“Jesus Christ, man!” Frank shouted, grabbing the edge of the table as if to keep it from going anywhere. His eyes scanned back and forth across the ceiling. Ed fell off of his stool. Gorgonzola ducked his head under the table.

“What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” said Cooper.

After a few second passed without incident, Frank's eyes shifted from terror to anger. He pointed a pudgy finger at Cooper. “Rule number one in here, Bucko. You keep your thoughts and opinions of the Cavern Master to yourself. Got it?”

“Why?” asked Cooper.

“Because it took us a long time to pool together enough money to buy this dump, and I'd rather it not get swarmed with bees, or set on fire, or hit by an asteroid, or whatever, just because some giant moron couldn't keep his trap shut. I don't know if you've noticed, but Mordred doesn't respond well to being insulted.”

Cooper stretched his lips back in a wide toothy grin and stood up. He helped himself to his former frosty beer mug, downed the half that Frank hadn't finished yet, and tapped on the side of the glass with a claw until he had the room's full attention. He set the glass down on the table and cupped his hands around his mouth to amplify his voice. He shouted at the ceiling.

“Mordred's skank whore of a mother can bathe forever in an ocean of my ass sweat!”

There were a number of gasps and at least one giggle, but most of the patrons simply stared up at Cooper in horrified silence.

Frank climbed on top of the table to stand face to face with Cooper. “What the fuck do you think you're doing? Are you trying to get us all killed?”

Cooper stepped away from Frank to address his now captive audience. “Ladies, gentlemen, whatever the fuck you are,” he said, pointing to a curly-haired halfling who was either an ugly female, or a dude with man tits. “You are no longer under Mordred's oppressive yoke!”

Julian stood up. “Cooper, maybe this isn't the best time to –”

“Are you drinking that?” Cooper picked up the shot glass in front of a wide-eyed dwarf at a nearby table and knocked it back. “Fuck me, that's the stuff.” He slammed down the glass. “Today marks the first day of your freedom, brethren!”

Tim stood up next to Julian. “Shut the fuck up, Cooper. We want to ease them into this.”

“What's Shirley Temple talking about?” asked Frank. “Just what the hell is going on here?”

“I'll tell you what's going on,” said Cooper, scooping up Tim in one arm and mussing up his hair with the other hand. “My little friend Tim here, who has more brains in his little head than I have in my giant ass, has solved your Mordred problem.”

“Oh yeah?” said Frank. “And how's that?”

“He killed him.”

Tim threw up.

“Jesus H. Christ,” said Frank.  He waved at the elf bartender, who immediately produced a bucket and mop from behind the bar and scuttled toward the mess. He turned back to Cooper. 

“Thank you. That’s really fucking hilarious. You ought to take that act on the road. Like, right now.”

“Do I sound like I’m fucking around?” said Cooper. “It’s over. He’s gone.”

“Tell me, please. How did he do it? Did he slap him to death with his little halfling dick?”

“Of course not,” said Cooper. “That would be ridiculous.”

Frank sighed. “Hold on a tick. I think I know what’s going on here. So he set you guys up against some big bad, right? And he breaks character during the fight, and you think you're fighting the real Mordred. And then little Tim here gets in a lucky sneak attack and brings the thing down, right? Well I've got news for you, buddy. That wasn't Mordred. You can't fight the Cavern Master.”

“Yes!” said Julian. “That's precisely what happened. Cooper, you're such a dumbass. How could we have thought that was Mordred?” He let out a weak laugh through a pleading smile.

“My balls that's what happened!” said Cooper. “Tim lured that fat fuck into his walk-in freezer with the promise of Popsicles. The safety latch is broken, so he got stuck in there.”

Frank's shoulders went limp while he processed what Cooper had said. “Oh my god, you guys are serious. You really killed him.”

Tim managed to throw up one more stringy gob of spit.

A new din of excited chatter erupted in the tavern. Some of it was made up of laughter and clinking glasses. More of it was made up of panicked questions.

The half-elf called Ed stood up. “You stupid sons of bitches!” he said. “I haven't seen my kids in nearly a year. Now I'm never going to see them again!”

The laughter and clinking of glasses came to a sudden halt. The panicked questions grew into angry murmurs and a bit of crying.

“We all got people we miss from back home,” said Tony the Elf, still standing at the entrance. “This doesn't change nothin. You know as well as I do that Mordred was never gonna let us come back.”

“We don't know that,” Frank snapped back at him. “Who knows what might have happened? He might have gotten picked up by the police for something else and copped a deal by solving three dozen missing persons cases in an afternoon. He might have found Jesus. He might have gotten fucking laid and decided to lighten up. We know two things. We know that Mordred was our only ticket back, and we know that any chance we might have had to go home is now gone.”

Several of the patrons stood up and took a threatening step toward Cooper and Tim. Cooper took a step back and ran into Julian who was doing the same. This was not the reaction from the crowd that Cooper had been anticipating.

Frank hopped onto the floor and held the mob at bay with his raised hand. “Just tell me why. What the fuck were you thinking?”

Tim was unable to answer. The expression on his face suggested that the reason for this was a combination of terror, shame, and Cooper's stench. Cooper, who had been expecting cheers and booze, stood frozen and speechless.

Dave spoke up in Tim's defense. “He was trying to force Mordred into a position where he had to negotiate. He didn't know that Mordred needed the dice to bring us back. The fat bastard was about to murder us!”

Frank lowered his head. “It was a clever plan. I'll give you that. But it doesn't leave us any less fucked.”

“Maybe it does,” said Julian.

“Like fuck it does!” shouted a dwarf standing at the front of the mob. “I'm going to beat the shit out of you.”

“Sit down, Andy,” said Frank. “Nobody is going to beat the shit out of anybody until we talk this through. What's on your mind, elf?”

Julian swallowed hard. “Well, the dice were magical, right?”

“Okay, sure. So what?”

“Julian,” said Dave. “They're already pissed off enough.” He addressed Frank. “This was his first time playing the game. He doesn't know what he's talking about.”

“Hey Dave,” said Cooper.

“What?”

“Shut your face.”

“I was just –”

“Goliath is right,” said Frank. “We can't afford to dismiss any ideas right now. Keep talking, elf.”

“I was just thinking, if the dice were created once, they could be created again, right? Where are we better suited to make a set of magic dice? On Earth, or in a world where I can do this?” He spun his hands around one another, and a dozen glowing butterflies fluttered out of his hands and disappeared in a mist of sparkles.

“So fucking gay,” said Cooper.

“What level are you, elf?” asked Frank.

“I've got a level in wizard and a level in sorcerer.”

Frank laughed and shook his head. Some of the angry mob laughed as well. “Do you know how much experience you'll have to gain to become powerful enough to make dice like that?”

“A lot?”

“Yeah, it's a fucking lot. And do you know how you gain experience points?”

“Killing monsters?”

“That's right,” said Frank. “Killing monsters that are as tough as you or tougher. That means that your life is always in danger. Are you willing to risk your life, I mean
really
risk your life, every day, for a chance that maybe someday you can figure out how to get back home?”

“No, probably not.”

“We stay in this tavern because it's a dangerous fucking world out there. We don't want to die, and we can't just go out into the woods in a giant mob and start killing shit. You don't get any experience if the odds are that much in your favor, and we don't want to risk anyone's life. So we're stuck.”

“We don't need to do it ourselves,” said Julian. “Can't we just go to a tower and pay some wizard to teleport us back home?”

“Do you honestly think that never occurred to any of us? You're forgetting, all of the NPC wizards in town are controlled by...” Frank looked up at Julian with wild excitement in his eyes.

“You were about to say...?”

Frank grinned. “Not bad for a noob.”

The tavern erupted in a fit of excited murmuring.

Tony the Elf walked hurriedly up to Frank. “There’s a girl outside looking for a dwarf named Dave. I think she’s a local.”

“Like hell she is,” said Tim, making for the front door. “That’s my sister.” Dave and Tony the elf followed after him.

Tony pulled the door open. The silhouette standing in the doorway was far too short and stocky to be that of a half-elf.

“Who the hell is this?” asked Tim. “Where’s Katherine?”

“Who’s Katherine?” said the dwarf girl in the doorway.

“Jorn?” said Dave. “What are you doing here?”

“The bartender at the Piss Bucket said you asked for me. He sent me over here.”

“Shit,” said Dave. Jorn’s cautious frown turned into a scowl.

“What’s going on, Dave?” asked Tim impatiently.

“I told the bartender to send over the girl that was with us. I’d been talking to Jorn at the bar, so he must have thought I meant her.”

“Jesus, Dave!” shouted Tim. “You couldn’t have been a little more specific? I don’t know, maybe mention that you were talking about the girl
without
the beard? What –”

Jorn punched Tim in the mouth.

The room went silent, except for a few suppressed giggles, while Tim regained his bearings. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. It came away bloody.

“Why you big hairy bitch!”

The next punch sent him crashing into a chair. He scrambled to get up, but Cooper rested a gentle, though forceful, hand on his shoulder, sitting him down in the chair.

“I’m really sorry about that,” said Dave. “He’s just worried about his sister.”

“Excuse me, Love,” said Frank, stepping up to address Jorn. “What tavern did you just come from?”

“Piss Bucket,” said Jorn.

“Tony the Elf,” said Frank. “You know where that place is, right?”

“Yeah, it’s in the Lantern District.”

Frank turned to Tim. “Have you chilled the fuck out yet?”

Tim lowered his head. “Yeah, I’m sorry.”

“All right then. You, Papa Smurf, and Tony the Elf can escort the young miss here back to the Piss Bucket and go find your sister. Kong and Juan Valdez can stay here.

Julian removed his sombrero. “If it’s all the same to you, we should probably stick together.”

“It’s not all the same to me,” said Frank. “I’ve got some more questions I’d like to run by you. And if I’m being completely honest, I think it’s safe to assume that some of us have some trust issues with your group. You waltz into our bar and announce that you’ve killed the CM. I don’t think it’s in our best interest to let you all out of our sight at once.”