“Why the hell are you calling my house this late?” I was boiling in anger.
“Isis, I need to talk to you. I miss you. I can’t be without you anymore.” Gabriel sounded inebriated.
“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t want to be with you anymore? Haven’t I made myself clear enough?”
“You’re just upset that I messed up what we had going. It was a good thing, baby… hang on.” I heard the phone speaker being covered. His words were indistinct and muffled. I couldn’t hear anyone answering him.
“I have to go.” He quickly changed the way he was talking to me. He sounded sober now.
“Who were you talking to?”
“My friends. I have to go. I’ll call you later.”
“N…” The line cut off before I could finish.
I exhaled, grinding my teeth together. I searched for the off switch on the cordless phone and threw it to my feet. Then, I remembered the kitchen phone was still on. I quietly tiptoed down the staircase and into the kitchen and unplugged the phone outlet.
I hoped to wake up before Claire in the morning or she would ring my neck for turning off both phones. We never turned off the phones in my house. It was one of my mother’s rules. Her main concern was that Grandma Eva would have an emergency and we’d have no way of knowing. I understood Claire’s point of view, but what were the chances that tonight would be the night that Grands needed us?
My subconscious didn’t let me sleep too well. I was worried that someone would call from the retirement community where Eva lived. I checked the cordless phone’s caller ID screen over and over. No calls. Not even from Gabe—thank my lucky stars.
After switching the phones back on, I started my daily beautification routine. I wondered if David would be at school today, or if he’d show up at my front door this morning being that I had been so persistent in calling him.
Should
I
call
him
again?
I thought to myself.
“What the hey,” I said out loud, dialing his number. No answer. My chest felt a sharp pain. The kind of pain someone would associate with rejection. I pushed the pain away and finished fixing myself up.
I spent twenty minutes pacing on my porch waiting to see the black car drive up my street. I should’ve sat down because he never showed. The day was humid, breezy and cloudy. No sunshine glistened on the water droplets left from the previous night’s light showers.
I power walked to school, afraid of being late for class; all the way thinking that maybe, just maybe he’d be there so I could clear this whole mess up.
“Please, oh please, be there,” I talked to myself on the way.
Out of breath, I let myself fall on the desk. Andy had already texted me several times warning me that I was going to be late. I wasn’t.
The desk behind me was empty. David wasn’t in class. My eyes were glued to the door… waiting. The bell rang, and David did not enter the room. I kept my sight on the door for several minutes after the tardy bell rang but still nothing.
Second period, I peeked inside his calculus class, but he wasn’t there. I decided to attempt to call him one more time, before I walked into my own class. This would be the last time I’d call. He probably thought I was a stalker by now. Not that he had been any different with me. I dropped my head in defeat and resignation as the line rang several times, then the voicemail kicked in. I ended the call and entered my class.
From the edge of the steps that led down to the cafeteria area, I saw that our table was empty. Only Andy and Bill were sitting there with their sack lunches before them.
I thought it odd that none of the three brothers had shown up to school. What if they had all left? I started to panic.
“The twins didn’t show either?” I asked Andy.
“Nope,” Bill answered with a full mouth.
“Bill and Galen have second period together. Galen was absent today,” Andy explained. “I haven’t seen Eryx either.”
“Hmm,” I exhaled.
“I brought an extra sandwich for you.” Andy tossed me a paper bag.
“Thanks.” I raised a corner of my mouth. I had no appetite.
My thoughts were with David the whole day. I decided that I would ask my mother for the car this afternoon after school to go to the estate. I had to find him.
Bill was nice enough to drop me off at the county courthouse after school was out. Judge Daniels greeted me with a cup of coffee in his hand.
“Hi, Isis. What brings you by?” The Judge asked, rather surprised.
“Is my mom in?” I inquired.
The Judge looked confused. “Uh… she took the day off.”
“Oh, yeah!” I felt foolish. “I totally forgot.” I walked backwards toward the door, excusing myself.
Where was my mind? I was definitely not thinking clearly. Now I had to walk home in this humid weather. To top it off, it was drizzling. I was going to smell like a wet dog when I got home.
I contemplated the idea of calling my mother to pick me up, but I didn’t want to bother her today. She really needed some alone time and I didn’t have an alibi for going to David’s house just now. I didn’t want to tell her I was looking for him because it would get much too complicated for me to build lie after lie. I sucked at lying. I would most likely tell her I was going to Andy’s house. That wouldn’t entice her to further questioning. Though, I felt sort of guilty for having to lie about where I was going. I had never had to do that before with Claire. But this was different; it involved so many things I just couldn’t explain to her. She’d probably have a patrol car surveilling our neighborhood in a snap of two fingers. I could hear my mother now, going on and on about crimes of passion. No way I’d be telling her any of this.
The Toyota was out of sight. There went my plan. I wondered what time my mom would be home from where ever it was she had gone to distract herself. She rarely went anywhere alone. I didn’t want her to hurry home on my count, so I didn’t call her. I wanted her to come back as the normal Claire with the perky smile and the contagious chipper personality. I hated being in the dark about what it was she was holding inside.
Why weren’t there any taxis in this bloody town or any other form of public transportation? It was nearing sundown and I still hadn’t heard from Claire. Wherever she was, she must have been in dire need of that time to herself.
I climbed out my bedroom window and sat on the porch roof with my legs curled up against me. I watched as the last of the sun’s rays became just a thin line over the horizon. The night fell over me as I sat there and waited—alone and in despair.
I ignored a dozen calls from Gabriel as I sat there in the darkness. How ironic that I was doing to Gabriel, what David was doing to me. Maybe life was teaching me a lesson. Grandma Eva always told me that “what goes around comes around”. This was precisely one of those situations.
A pair of headlights slowly came to a stop in the driveway. I watched as my mother retrieved a few bags from the back seat of the car and walked to the front door.
“Isis?!” she hollered.
“Coming!” I yelled climbing over the window ledge. I noted the time and found it was past ten o’clock. I had been sitting out there for hours doing nothing but wondering where Claire was and what David thought of me.
Mom brought Chinese carry out for dinner even though it was pretty late. I ate some noodles and soup and struck up conversation since Claire wasn’t talkative.
“So what’d you do today?” I maneuvered the chopsticks between my fingers. I wasn’t very good at eating with them.
“I went to visit Nana and the granddads…” she said quietly. “ . . . and Dad”.
Claire had been to the cemetery. “Oh,” I said placing my chopsticks down and picking up a fork.
“Is that all?” Certainly there must have been more she had done till this late hour.
“I went to see Grandma Eva. She sends kisses and hugs.” She took a sip of her iced tea. “Then I went to have a late lunch with Lucila and Bethany. They send their regards, as well.”
Lucila and Bethany were my mom’s best friends. They hardly ever had a chance to get together because they both lived about forty minutes away. Lucila was single and worked long hours and Bethany was recently married and had no children. I was glad she had the day to catch up with them. What worried me was the visit to the cemetery. That was not typical of my mother.
“Did you have fun with the girls?” I tried to sound unconcerned with the fact that she had probably gone to the cemetery to vent. I was right here—alive and kicking. Why couldn’t she tell
me
what she was so distressed about?
“I did have fun,” she smiled. “Those two are a real hoot. I’ve missed them.”
“Did Grands have anything new to talk about?”
“Same ’ol, same ’ol… ailments and gossip about the neighbors,” she laughed. “That Eva…” She shook her head, still smiling.
“Hey, Mom,” I started, “you don’t have to pretend you’re okay. Tell me what’s going on with you?”
Claire breathed deeply and twisted a strand of my hair between her fingers. “I will, but when the time is right. Not tonight, hon.”
I pouted like a reprimanded child.
“Don’t give me that face, young lady.” She wrapped her arm around me. “I promise to tell you, just not today, but soon, honey. I promise.”
“‘Kay,” I sighed.
I waited for Claire to retire to her room and unplugged the kitchen phone from its jack, then I went to her room. While she was taking a bath, I retrieved the cordless phone from the receiver and took it to my room. I flipped the ringer switch to the “off” position. I didn’t want a repeat of last night’s events with Gabriel taking place tonight. My phone was set to vibrate, as well.
I had another plan in mind since I couldn’t visit the estate. I would go to Somnium tonight in my sleep and search for David there. I knew David had made me promise never to return, but I needed to see him and that was the only other place besides his home I could think of looking. I prayed that I wouldn’t be discovered by any of the things he said existed there.
I turned the lamp table off. I was nervous about going back to Somnium. What was I supposed to tell David? How was I supposed to explain that I didn’t love Gabriel in that way anymore? I shoved the covers off me, turned the light on and started to write.
Journal Entry 8, 11:53 P.M.
You’ve left me. I’ve succumbed to the feeling of destitution without you. I recall the look on your face as you left, and I suffer along with you. I never meant to cause you pain. I never meant to make you break. I have but one wish for you and me, but it is unreachable and unthinkable.
Untamable, as you are, you would agree to it in an instant, but what is the price? Death or eternal abandonment—that is what my mind foresees. I don’t dare be the catalyst to either, but what if?
What if in some other world, in some other time, in some other reality it could be so? What if it can be so?
I cannot be certain that I can hold my chest in silence for much longer, for it implores me to scream three words at you and only for you.
Yes, it is those three words that you seek, that seek me out too.
I beg you to abnegate me because, I don’t have the strength to renounce you.
* * *
I was scared. I had just confessed something to myself that could not happen. I couldn’t go to Somnium now. I would wait until morning and ask my mother for the car. I would visit David and I would tell him… what? Nothing. I would apologize, and that would be it. I would ask him to come back to school and hope he had no conditions to do so.
I turned off the light and slipped back into bed. I drifted to sleep nervous about the next day’s plans.
Tired from the previous night, I slept in and woke up after Claire. I could hear the television on downstairs and cringed, knowing I was getting a scolding for unplugging the phone jack.
I slowly descended the stairs. Maybe she hadn’t seen the phone jack out of its place.
“How many times have I told you about the phones?” Claire sat watching T.V. with a bowl of cereal held up to her chin. Her tone was reprimanding. “Don’t do it again,” she said peering over her shoulder.
“Okay,” I said veering toward the kitchen.
I was surprised I had gotten off that easy. The first and only other time I had done it was when I was in middle school and not allowed to have a mobile phone. She really gave it to me that time. She even grounded me for two days, and I had to forcefully tell all my friends my phone curfew was eight o’clock. And if I didn’t, she would tell them for me.
I waited to see if Claire was in a bad mood. I didn’t want to ask for the car and have her say no. I planned on making a visit to the Chios’ house after noon.
I did several loads of laundry and cleaned my room before I got up the courage to ask for the car. It wasn’t that I was scared of Claire being upset, it was that I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to David when I saw him. I had so many mixed emotions that I couldn’t harness. My brain and my heart were divided. They each contemplated a different reasoning.