Crave the Darkness (35 page)

“How long have I been out of it?” The last I remembered, I’d begged Tyler to take the pain away.

“A little over a week,” she said. “The first few days were the worst. We had to treat it like a detox. Your Jinn kept you incapacitated through the first several days of it. You’ve been sleeping soundly for a while, though, and that’s how we knew you were throÀyou wereugh the worst part of it.”

I looked away, shame welling up inside of me. “Anya, was it the same for you?”

“He could control it,” she answered. “The way he secretes the toxin into your bloodstream. He was able to inject as little or as much as he chose.”

Not anymore, though. The bastard was dead.

Anya took a deep breath and continued, “From what I could tell by the state you were in, he didn’t hold back. He transferred a lethal amount of toxin into your system. Your body was deep into the addiction. It would have killed a less stalwart soul. You’re very lucky to have survived, Darian.”

Yay me
. “Wish I felt lucky. Right now, I just feel . . .”

“Violated.”

I looked into Anya’s violet eyes and bit back the tears that pooled in my own. “Yes.”

“I won’t tell you that the memories of what happened will go away. But it will get better.”

Of course it would. All scars fade with time. “I know.”

“Drink the water,” Anya said in a motherly tone. Maybe she was trying it out on me. “My king has been beside himself with worry, Darian. He’s hardly left your side.”

Funny. He didn’t seem too concerned when I was on the verge of being raped. Raif had come to my rescue. Asher. Julian. Myles. And Tyler. Where had Xander been in those moments when the pain had been unbearable?

“Darian?” Anya asked, studying my expression. “He wants to see you. Can I tell him you’re awake?”

“Yeah,” I said with a sigh. “I’ll see him.”

Chapter 35

H
e didn’t rush to my side. Not that I thought he would. Above all things, Xander was a high king, and he conducted himself as such. He waited at the door for Anya to leave. They exchanged a look, and she gave a little bob of her head before she slipped out of the room.

“I figured she would have rather killed me in my sleep,” I said as Xander approached the bed. “You know, since I’m responsible for her husband’s death and all.”

“You really have to learn to let go of your paranoid notions,” Xander said, giving me a wan smile. “She would care for you as she would care for her own king.”

“Do you know what happened to me, Xander?” The bitterness I felt tainted my words. “Did anyone tell you what Kade did to me?”

Xander looked away as if uncomfortable. “I know what happened to you.” His words were little more than a warm whisper in the quiet room. “And if I had my way, I’d have killed the Cambion myself.”

“
Where were you
,
Xander?
You came with Raif to the island when Azriel and Delilah kidnapped me. You fought for me there. Why didn’t you come when Kade had me practically naked and out of my mind?” A tear slipped from my eye and trailed down my cheek. “Did you even know Raif went to my apartment?ƀa Did you worry about me? Wonder where I was? Try to call me? Find me? Were you concerned for me at all, or did you just figure that Raif would sort it all out while you sat on your throne and waited for news?”

“Do you know how badly I wish I could be like Raif and just run out to save the day?” Xander’s tone was hard and full of regret. “Don’t you think it
kills
me to sit here, unable to properly protect you?
Myself
. The way a male should protect his female. But instead, I protect you the only way I know how.”

I cocked a brow. “Through subterfuge?”

“I gave you Asher,” he said.

Gave me Asher. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“He was assigned to be your personal guard. I knew you wouldn’t simply accept the assignment, and so I suggested him to Raif as an addition to your team. The boy has a fair amount of attitude and I knew you’d gravitate toward him. That you would choose him to join you was a given.”

He’d planted Asher in my team as a pseudo babysitter? “You know he’s not just a Shaede, then.”

“Asher’s father is indeed a Shaede. But his mother is Sidhe. Her magic is . . . unique. She can project thoughts into others’ minds. Asher inherited her ability.”

“So, what? Ash can be, oh, I don’t know, standing right in front of someone and project the thought into their mind that he’s not really there. Making him virtually invisible?” The High King of
High-handedness
simply nodded. Xander and his pets . . . “He was able to follow me around because he’d made me
think
he wasn’t around, is that right?”

“I told him to keep an eye on you—protect you at all times—but not to always be seen.”

“So all of that bullshit about you believing I could take care of myself was just a bunch of empty words you used to give my ego a boost?”

“Of course not,” Xander said with disdain. “Do you really think I hold you in such low regard? I worried for your safety. I’m not afforded the luxury of being bound to you like a second skin, as that Jinn of yours is. And so I protected you in my own way. Would you forgive Tyler his protection and condemn me for mine?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I said, sinking down into the pillows. “Turns out I’m
not
capable. I failed Anya, I failed Dimitri, and got in way over my head with Kade. If it wasn’t for Ash, I might’ve died.”

Xander moved to sit on the bed and I moved over, putting some distance between us. He tried to take my hand but I pulled it back, the physical contact too much for my brain to process right now. His eyes lost that mischievous spark that I found both amusing and infuriating, and instead he looked . . . sad. “I wish I could undo what has been done to you.”

“You can’t,” I said. “No one can.”

“What can I do for you?” he asked softly. “If it’s within my power, it’s yours.”

My chest ached with emotion, the familiar urge to leap from the bed and run away making my muscles twitch. I’d let my anxiety rule me for so long, and I’d finally overcome it. I wasn’t going to let it master me again. “I need some time,” I said wiˀ” I sath a sigh. “I’m moving out. Anya doesn’t need me here as a reminder of what she’s lost. She needs an emotionally healthy environment during her pregnancy.”

“Darian, don’t. I’ve already told you, Anya will be fine.”

“But I won’t be. I can’t be here, Xander. There’s too many eyes watching, too many whispering voices. I don’t want to be waited on, observed, talked about . . . I just, can’t do it.”

“Who would dare speak ill of you in this house? You’re my—”

“Your
what
, Xander?” My throat constricted as I tried to swallow down the lump rising in my throat. “Just what, exactly, do you think I am? Your concubine? Your kept woman? Your
consort
?”

“You are my
love
,” Xander said. “Mine. Let me care for you.”

“I can’t be yours,” I simply said. “I can’t belong to anyone while I still don’t even feel like I belong to myself.”

“You can’t go back to your apartment.”

He played the king so well. “No, I’m not going back there. Not yet, anyway.”

“Then where will you go?”

I thought about it for a moment. Where could I go where I’d be safe? Well, at least, marginally so. Maybe what I needed right now was, well, a
girlfriend
. “I’m going to visit Brakae in
O Anel
,” I said. I’d promised I’d never leave again without letting people know where I was, so there was no need to lie or sugarcoat it. “Just for a while.” It would have to be a short vacation, due to the enormous time difference. But I’d take what I could get.

Xander stood and reached out as though he’d run his fingers through my hair. But when his eyes met mine, he stopped short. I wondered how much fear reflected in my face. What did my expression betray? “Give my regards to my niece,” he said as he turned to leave. “And come home soon.”

He closed the door behind him, and as I lay there in the dark I wondered, could Xander have broken Pamela’s glamour? I’d planned on having to convince Raif of my identity in order to break the spell, but Tyler had shattered the glamour with nothing more than a touch and my name on his lips. He’d seen past the disguise Pamela had bound me in.

That had to count for something. Didn’t it?

* * *

I looked around my trashed apartment as I stuffed the last few items into the large duffel bag I was taking with me to
O Anel
. I planned to give Brakae a good old-fashioned dose of culture shock, and no way was I skimping on supplies. The light on the alarm system flashed green, just as it had the last hundred or so times I’d checked it. I didn’t know if I could ever feel comfortable here again, and that pissed me off. I loved this apartment and didn’t want to move. That would be like giving Kade power over me, even in death.

I wasn’t giving up yet, though. Reaver promised to come over while I was gone and protect the entire building with wards. That, coupled with Raif’s high-tech security system should help to make me feel safer, but I wouldn’t know for certain until I moved back in for good. Raif promised to keep an eye on the place, as well as clˀas well ean it up while I was gone, and though I knew that my stay in
O Anel
would be short compared to the time that passed here at home, I had to hope that the time away could help start to heal me.

My buzzer echoed loud in the quiet apartment, and my heart hammered against my rib cage at the sudden burst of adrenaline. God, I hated how jumpy I was lately—another thing I hoped would clear up once a little time had passed. I hit the button on the intercom. “Who is it?” I asked before checking the alarm system one more time.

“Adira,” a buttery voice answered. “Can I come up?”

“I guess.” As the elevator made its way up, I disarmed the security system. Since Kade had tried to kick his way into the car, it was making some seriously nasty rattling sounds, and I wasn’t even sure if it was a safe way to get up to the apartment. Just one more thing for me to fix . . .

When the car reached the entrance, she stepped out looking just as supermodel perfect as she always did. Funny, she’d never looked run-down or a psychological mess from what Kade had done to her. Maybe he’d gone easy on her. Or maybe she was simply stronger than me.

“Tyler said you’re leaving for a while,” she said as her gaze wandered over my trashed apartment. “I wanted to thank you before you left.”

“Thank me?”

“You convinced Kade to break his bond with me,” she said as if I didn’t already know. “You freed me.”

“Yeah, well, I did it for Tyler.”

Adira gave me a sad smile. “He loves you.”

I didn’t say anything in response. Tyler had already told me as much and his actions with Kade had spoken louder than any words. But after all that had happened . . . could he love me despite the damage done to me?

“I’m leaving as well,” Adira continued. She looked anywhere but right at me. “I’ve been called before the Synod.”

“Synod?” I asked.

“Our rules are strict,” Adira replied. “And our rulers even more so. My bond with Kade violated our laws and endangered our secrets. Now I must answer to our elders.”

I had to admit, that didn’t sound good. “What will they do to you?”

Adira shrugged. “I have no idea,” she said, her tone somber. “I asked Tyler to come home with me, but he won’t leave the city as long as you’re here.”

“He cares about you.” It was a hard thing to admit out loud, and there was nothing I could do to erase the history between them. “I don’t know everything about the rules, but I’m sure he’d be there for you if he could.”

“I’m not as strong as I used to be,” Adira said with a faraway look. “Kade was my third binding. Never again will I be bound to protect another soul. . . .” Her voice trailed off, tinted with sadness. “What does one do when she becomes useless? Maybe, if the Synod is lenient, I’ll go home. I miss Africa. I’d like to see the desert. Going home might help to replenish what Kade has stolen from me. And perhaps I can try to forget.”

An awkward silence spread out between us. Both of us knowing what had ˀing whathappened to the other at Kade’s hands, but unwilling to talk about it. “He’ll miss you,” I said at last.

She smiled. “He’ll always care about me. That’s just how he is. But I know he’ll never love me the way I want him to. The way he loves you.”

Again, I wondered, could he still love me? Despite everything that had passed between us, was there a spark of what we’d had still burning? I brought my hand up and twisted the ring on my thumb. It seemed I couldn’t help but touch it when I thought of Tyler. Adira’s eyes wandered to my hand and she gasped, snatching my hand and running her fingers over the silver ring.

“Nys’asdar,”
she said under her breath. “Gods, Tyler, what have you done?”

She looked me in the eye, worry etched on her gorgeous face. “What?” I demanded. “Are you talking about my ring? What is it? What did Tyler do?”

“We’re not meant to love the ones we protect, Darian. And he must love you more than you could imagine,” Adira said. “Tyler has done a very foolish thing. If the Synod were to find out about that ring, Darian, his punishment will be severe.”

“What in the hell are you talking about?” My heart pulsed in my ears. I didn’t want Ty to be in trouble with anyone. Let alone over something he’d given me. I held my hand up to inspect the simple silver ring. “What is this thing?”

“I can’t tell you that. Just . . . just promise me you’ll watch out for him.”

“Of course, I’ll watch out for Ty. But, Adira, you’ve got to tell me—”

Before I could get the sentence out of my mouth, she was gone.

Well, I guess disappearing into thin air was one way to end a conversation. I pulled the ring off of my thumb and inspected it. Aside from the fact that it had been a gift from Tyler, I couldn’t discern anything particularly special about it. For all intents and purposes, it looked like any other old, worn piece of silver jewelry. But in the supernatural world, looks could be deceiving. “Jesus, Ty,” I said, echoing Adira’s words. “What the hell
did
you do?”

I would ask him about the ring and whatever
Nys’asdar
meant when I got back from
O Anel.
Just like Xander, I’d told Ty I was leaving, though I hadn’t told him in person. After everything that had happened, I still couldn’t face him. He’d seen too much, had witnessed firsthand my reaction to Kade’s touch, and how I’d craved more. I couldn’t bear to see the expression on his face and whatever emotions it might betray. Sorrow? Pity? Disgust? I couldn’t handle it if he looked at me that way. Who knows what he thought about what happened. Maybe he blamed me. I
had
gone after Kade, after all.

Another annoying shock to my system followed on the heels of my buzzer. My apartment had turned into Grand Central Station in a matter of days. I hit the intercom, but didn’t feel cordial enough for a greeting the second time around. Whoever was down there would just have to deal with the silence.