Crashing Back Down (12 page)

She glared at me through menacing slits before turning to reach into the cooler. She spun around and slammed two Budweiser bottles onto the bar, winked at Walker with a playful grin, and then retreated to the other end of the bar.

“What was that about? Is she another notch in the old belt?" I giggled; the wine already starting to loosen me up.

Walker started to peel the label off his bottle, biting his lip. "Not all of us find true love freshman year, darling. I know I've been around a little too much in this town to take you anywhere. Sorry," He sighed, glanced over at the blonde hothead, and then slammed his beer back, drinking it all.

The little blonde popped over and opened another beer, angrily snarling, "Should I just keep them coming for you and your girl?"

"Yeah, it's for the best. Start a tab, will ya, Cindy?"

She nodded, going over to her computer to type in our order. I felt bad for the computer screen; she was jabbing at it, probably pretending it was Walker’s, or my, eyeballs.

"Why didn’t you tell her we aren’t together?" Walker had never turned down a repeat customer, even if they were a bad lay. If I’d learned anything about Walker while he was Randy's roommate it was that he was a complete horn-dog, and I was lucky to be taken by his best friend.

"Maybe I don’t want her to think we're not. She was a terrible fuck and started asking to go out on dates. I don’t date. I sleep with ’em, but I don’t care about ’em." He grabbed my hand. "Want to play with her a little?"

Looking down at our entwined fingers, I looked up into Walker’s gorgeously playful eyes. “I don’t know Walker. She’s harmless, isn’t she?”

A devilish grin spread across his drunken face, “Awe, come on, it ain’t gonna hurt anyone.  It’s all in good fun.”

With a deep breath, I figured it might be fun to play along and get a little closer to Walker, even if it was make believe. "Yeah, for sure, why the hell not? She was a bitch in the first place." I shrugged, teasingly giggling and smiling at Walker, starting our little game off. He leaned over and kissed my cheek for a little longer than usual. My face flushed against his warmth, and I took his hand.

My eyes bore into Cindy’s as I curled my fingers through Walker’s a little more tightly. She stormed off into the bathroom and Walker chuckled. “That’ll teach her. She’s only mad because she knows you’re prettier than she is.”

I smirked, slightly shaking my head. “Walker, you’re just saying that. You don’t have to flatter me just because we’re roommates now.” My bottle was empty, so I diverted from the strange look on Walker’s face to try and find another bartender. It was almost lustful, with a hint of shame and sadness as he glanced down at the bar, rubbing his stumbled jaw with his free hand. It pained me how sad his eyes were all the time. I gestured to the other bartender for two more beers, and they arrived quickly. “Apparently, you come here a lot,” I joked, but Walker just kept his blank stare.

It wasn’t until I went to reach for my beer that I realized we were still holding hands. “Sorry.” I bit my lip, slowly taking my hand away. “I wouldn’t want to cock block you for too long.” I let out a forced sigh when I saw the frustration in Walker’s face.

“I have to stop thinking every once in a while,” he snapped, coldly. “All sex is for me is a distraction. Besides, you do enough thinking for the both of us.”

It was clear that, somehow, I hit a nerve, but I couldn’t figure out how. Walker and I always joked and carried on. He gestured to Cindy to come back over. “Two shots of Jack straight up for me and this fine piece, please dear.” He threw her an evil smirk and a wink, and the shots were slammed in front of us.

Without hesitation, we did five rounds of Jack and drank four more beers each, letting it wash away Walker’s early frustration and my shyness, holding hands almost the entire time. I enjoyed playfully flirting with Walker, the light caresses, the lingering kisses on the cheek, the way his lips felt brushing softly over my ear, and how velvety his southern accent sounded as he told me how beautiful I looked. I tried to push those thoughts to the back of my mind, but it was too wonderful to not enjoy.

Finally, the numbness started to take over, and when my favorite song to line dance to came blaring through the noise of the packed bar, I was ecstatic. I yanked Walker from his stool and made him run to the dance floor with me. We laughed and danced like old times. I danced so hard I was sweating when the song was over, and it bled into a slow song that started to play.

Walker bowed and held out his hand. “May I have this dance?” I grinned and pulled him into me. I could feel his perfect physique through his shirt as I rested my head on his chest. His cologne and the smell of the bar mixed well together, and I let myself fall into the happiness of the movement, reclining into him.

Right before the song was over, with a slurred tongue, I leaned into Walker’s face, almost touching his nose with my own. A wave of emotion came over me as I saw the darkening lust steaming in Walker’s eyes.

I blurted out without a second thought. “How long have you had feelings for me? Or am I just being drunk and over analyzing?”

I don’t remember his answer or the look on his face when I said it. At that moment, I fell into a black out. Good thing too, because I didn’t think I was ready to hear if my assumption was true or not.

T
he next morning, waking up face down on my pillow with a blinding headache was not too pleasant. Even my boots were still on from the night before, tangled in my sheets. I slowly lifted myself into a seated position, to see Walker sleeping in the recliner across my room, almost upright in what looked like a back-breaking position. I threw my pillow right at his face, nailing him harder than intended.

“What the hell?” Walker jumped up from the chair into a fighting stance in a split second.

“What happened last night?” I couldn’t even keep my eyes open; my brain felt like it was drilling into the back of them and I was still fighting with my sheets to release my boots, thrashing, flailing, and kicking.
I must look ridiculous.

I heard a low chuckle coming from Walker before he answered. The pause and mocking infuriated me.

“Classic College Margret! Blacking out right when things get interesting!”

He sat and pulled his black shirt from the night before back over his chiseled abs and awesome tattoos, which I had never taken full notice of until right then. Through barely opened eyes, they were still spectacular. I flushed from the tops of my shoulders all the way to my forehead. All of a sudden, it was boiling hot in my room.

“Seriously, Walker! I’m not fucking around! Did I try to make out with you last night?” The night was foggy, but I faintly remembered asking him about his feelings. I could only imagine my next, horrible move. The thought of my possible actions sent pains shooting through my stomach and chest. Finally getting my feet free, I shot up, digging in my dresser for different clothes that didn’t smell like the terrible concoction of bar, booze and shame.

Walker’s voice turned almost stern, too cold for what I was used to from him. “Yeah, you did. I let you kiss me. I even kissed back. We were shit faced. Right after, you ran to the bathroom and puked. I guessed I repulsed you or Jack in some way. Needless to say, that’s where the adventure stopped. We took a cab home and I fell asleep here to make sure you were okay.”

Pointing at Walker to turn around and face the wall half way through his account of the moments my mind had erased, I changed into my comfortable clothes, while the situation sunk in. I fell to the floor, sitting Indian style in the middle of my room, squeezing my eyes shut.

“I’m sorry,” I muttered with my head in my hands, making my words muffled. “I didn’t mean to …” I let the sentence trail off, not too sure how to finish it.

Thankfully, Walker came to my rescue while I fought for words. “Don’t sweat it. No harm done. Besides if we were to ever hook up, I ain’t gonna let it be in a shit hole like that.”

I couldn’t believe what just came out of his mouth. How could he say
if we ever hooked up
to me like that? How could I let our harmless flirting get to this point? I would never be one of his notches. Even with the slight lustful slips my mind had, I never thought our relationship would ever move from this point, and Walker saying it like the thought was entertained by both of us made me feel sicker than the remnants of alcohol still soaking my blood.

“Don’t say things you don’t mean.” My words oozed with anger, while my whole body shook. “You’re my best friend and roommate. Nothing more, right?”

He buried his head in the pillow at my words, staying silent.

“Oh my God! I was right. I need to take a shower and you need to get the fuck out of here for a while.” I pointed to the door and Walker silently obeyed, leaving me to my terrible thoughts, slamming my door as loudly as he could behind him.

A rush of confusion hit me, knocking the wind out of me. I knew my emotions started to become displaced as anger at Walker built up while I lashed out. There was no one I was mad at or disappointed with other than myself.

 My mind started racing, as my thoughts screamed through my head, making me feel weak and dizzy.
What would Randy think of all of this? He’s fucking dead anyway. He left me here alone! Does he want me to be alone forever? Would I want him to move on? And with our best friend? Fuck this shit!

Fury at myself and the situation burnt my eyes, making tears stream down my face uncontrollably. I didn’t know what to think, how to feel. I had been void of deep emotions for so long. The terrible notion that all of this was my fault hit me the hardest. All of those moments where I let myself slip and felt things I shouldn’t. Maybe Walker sensed the tension too, and maybe he did have actual feelings for me.

I took a quick shower, trying to scrub the last twenty-four hours off my skin. By the time I turned off the boiling water, my entire body was pink and rubbed raw. Climbing out of the shower, wishing I had brought clothes to change into, I wrapped my towel around myself tightly. Even with the warm steam making the air thick in my bathroom, I shivered as everything started to sink in farther. My head was pounding from crying and thinking too much. All I wanted to do was curl up into my comforter and ignore the world for a while.

When I opened my bathroom door, I found Walker leaning against the doorjamb. Before I could even process the situation, Walker pressed his entire body firmly against mine and kissed me, hard and desperate.

I pushed him away. “Wait!” I shook my head and screamed at him, breathless and confused. He let go, staring at me with the most guilt I’d ever seen in someone’s eyes. The usual bright green had faded, his cheeks pale.

“What are we doing?” I breathed softly, innocently disordered and broken. “What about my husband?” The words lingered in the air, feeling like a distant whisper. Their presence was fleeting and wrong sounding from my voice as I glanced down at the tiny gold band that almost felt stifling on my ring finger.

Walker bent down a little so he could look me directly in the eye, putting both his hands on my shoulders. “Mags, he’s dead. Say the word and I will walk out that door and never talk to you again. I’ve loved you for a while. And I want to be with you. If it has to be only as friends, I’ll handle it, but that’s not what I want.” Walker sighed, light tears starting to roll down his cheeks as he slid onto the recliner with his head in his hands, his voice shaky and pleading. “What do you think? How do you feel?”

I gawked at him for a moment, trying to understand what I was hearing. I said the only thing I could, the truth. “I feel crazy. I feel like I don’t know what to think anymore.” I sat down on the floor in front of him, pulling his hands away from his face. “Give me some time to think about what is going on with me, and in the meantime, don’t leave.”

Walker nodded, his arms curling around my middle, tugging me onto his lap. “I didn’t mean to dump all that on you all at once. I never wanted you to know how I felt. Whatever your decision is, I’ll always be here for you, Mags.” He picked me up and laid me down in bed. “How about I go make us some food and we’ll have breakfast in bed a day early?”

I let the calmness of his voice wash away the frantic feelings in my chest, and the discomfort of his well kept secret of loving me. I was so glad to not have to make decisions right away, or even know completely what was going on, that I just let myself go void again, pushing everything away from my mind. “Sounds wonderful.”

My head started throbbing with all of this new information that I couldn’t bring myself to process. I hoped this was all a horrible dream and that when I woke up, everything would be back to normal, an ignorant bliss saving me once again.

I curled up in my sheets, my hangover getting the best of me, and I slept for what felt like seconds. When I opened my eyes again, the clock on the nightstand said two thirty in the afternoon. I rolled over to see Walker curled up in a little ball on the other side of the bed, a tray of eggs and bacon on the floor next to him.
I must have been sleeping for at least four hours
. I yawned and stretched, still forcing the inevitable reality from my mind as much as possible.