Covenant (6 page)

“
I don’t know what you are
talking about.” Yet even as I say the words, I feel my heart speed
up, and I can’t figure out how to fight what she is saying. “You’re
wrong,” I say. Yet I wonder if the words are more for me than
her.

The forced smile quickly
dies to nothing. “I was wrong about many things, Lev, but that…that
wasn’t one of them. Just what you are capable of.” She grits her
teeth. “How is it you still have your wings and are among his
favored? How is that possible when I don’t think you even have a
soul anymore? If you ever had one.”

“
Perhaps you should go,” I
suggest coldly, sensing it is only going to get worse if she
stays.

Instead of leaving, she
strides toward me and shoves at my chest. “Oh, so that is the way
you handle things now? You just try to brush everything you can’t
handle under the carpet and hope it stays hidden? Did you forget
about your mortal love so easily? Out of sight, out of mind, as
humans say.”

Mortal love?
Who is she talking about?
Suddenly Elizabeth Moon’s face flashes to mind and suddenly I
feel angry chaos rushing through me. I step back, trying to break
the contact between us. “Leave Elizabeth out of this.”

She steps toward me again.
“Oh, so you do remember her name, at least. How about that she
loved you? Do you remember that? And the fact your leaving
destroyed her. Got any memories that deal with the kind of pain you
inflicted upon her?”

She prods me with her
finger, and again, I step back, even more unnerved. Unable to take
her hard expression and prodding finger anymore, I catch her hand.
“I don’t know what your problem is. I don’t even know who you are,
but keep your distance.” My voice is low and menacing, and suddenly
I realize just how many emotions I’m keeping hidden below the
surface, and how bad it’s going to be if they get the best of
me.

Although she steps back, I
can tell it’s not because she feels intimidated, but rather
repulsed—yet another clue that whatever happened between us really
didn’t go well. She gives me a baleful stare. “You always were the
golden child, Lev, and even Evan wasn’t aware of your mistakes, but
they were there, tangled in your deceit. You can lie to yourself
all you want, but I know you,” she sneers, again stepping closer
and thrusting her hand at my chest. “You are one of the fallen, or
will be. It’s just a matter of time.”

This time I grab her hand
and clench it tightly. “I told you to stop, and I meant it.” I
squeeze harder, hoping my abrasive attitude will send her
packing.

Her lips part, and I can
tell she’s feeling the pain of my grip, but she says nothing. Her
eyes widen, and a groan escapes her throat. Although I know I’m
squeezing hard, what she is reacting to goes far beyond that.
Still, I thrust her hand away and take a step back in time to see
her stagger.

She laughs, a hard, raucous
sound that grates on me. Then she surrenders to tears. “You did
this to me, not that you remember. Saint Lev. You cursed me and
Jayzee to a pain neither can bear, and I hope one day you fall for
it.

“
Sarah?” I look up to find
an angel with long auburn hair speaking to the woman. “Are you all
right?”

I lower my arms and take a
step back, giving Sarah her space. Suddenly weak, Sarah manages to
get to her feet and glare at me. “I’m fine.”

Another man stands in the
background, and he quickly takes the blonde angel’s arms and leads
her away while her friend keeps staring. “I thought I told you to
stay away from Sarah, Lev.” She glares at me
caustically.

“
Yeah, well, I wasn’t the
one who approached her. She came to me.” I rub my chest where she’d
pressed her finger. “And you are, by the way?”

Another round of loud
laughter as she watches her two friends leave before fully turning
her attention to me. “So it’s true your memory has been lifted.
What a unique surprise.” She cocks her head to one side, studying
me. “I’m Jayzee. You could say we go back a long way.”

“
How?” I don’t know what
else to say.

“
That’s for me to know and
you to find out. I just wouldn’t consider sojourning any time soon
if you know what is good for you.”

I feel myself bristle. “Are
you implying that I don’t have a clue how to do my job?”
Frustrated, I surge toward her, trying to understand just what her
game might be.

“
Oh, you’re perfectly
acceptable at your job, according to certain standards. You are so
much better at working with the dead than with the living; the dead
don’t try to argue semantics. They don’t try to make you understand
when you’ve done things wrong, things you already know.” The air
stirs around her and fans her hair into her face.

Once more about my faults
and how glaring they really are.
I look
away. “Perhaps you should leave,” I mutter, hoping she will
actually consider it and spare me this conversation.

“
Why? I thought you could
handle anything.” She folds her arms across her chest and waits for
me to say something. “Don’t you have anything to say?”

“
Somehow I doubt you’ll
listen to anything unless it’s what you want to hear.”

She laughs. “Even without
your memory, you’re still you, Lev. You haven’t changed. More’s the
pity for that.” She turns.

“
And what is that supposed
to mean?” I call after her, infuriated.

She jerks around. “The only
things you leave behind are confused souls and broken angels, Lev.
That’s all you’ve
ever
left behind.” She gives me one last glare before stalking
away and leaving me in emptiness.

Did I do that with
Elizabeth? Is it
really
my fault that she seems so broken?
That question weighs me down until I can’t take
it anymore. I fold my arms across my chest and try not to think so
much about it, but it refuses to leave me.

I walk to the ocean and
kneel so I can dip my hands in the wetness and stare into the
blackness spread below, feeling more lost now than ever. The chaos
swirls deeply within me until I am swimming in it. The environment
seems to mimic what I feel as lightning lances the clouds,
exploding in bursts of violent light. I smell the rain coming, and
that’s when I let myself dive, my body soaring through the water
until I come to heaven’s underbelly. I feel myself push through the
clouds, and once I fall below them toward the Lower Realm, rain
spatters my form—cold, stinging rain. I know that I can stop it
from touching me, but I don’t. I let the cold soak through me,
preferring it to the emptiness I face or the chaos that wants to
take over.

I throw my arms out, and my
wings burst wide. The sudden shift from falling to flight sends my
body soaring in a different direction. I shut my eyes and think of
Elizabeth Moon’s face. The wall is there, as usual: Evan’s gift. No
doubt, he sees it as necessary, but I do not. I reach for a memory
with her, anything that will guide my flight. Lightning sears the
sky, branching in two different directions just above. I feel the
electrical pulse of the discharge, and the current seems to swirl
around me, mimicking the distortions within.

What have I done to her? At
one time, I would have believed I bore no responsibility, but I
sense my own failings as surely as I feel the rain.

The spattering of drops
suddenly breaks in a deluge, and I let the sky pour around me. Even
with my eyes closed, I sense the brilliance of lightning
transforming the sky, and I squint even harder, seeking the
memory.
Where are you?
I think of Elizabeth’s face, her eyes—these are things Evan
can’t blot away; they are burned into memory.

The blackness suddenly
lifts, revealing a house—her house. I focus on it, seeking some way
to find it—a landmark to orient myself in flight, but there isn’t
anything I recognize. For a moment, I open my eyes, struggling with
the knowledge I have come so far only to falter now, but I must not
give up.

I shiver in the cold rain
contrasting with the summer air, and I feel the chaos that once
only stirred in me now shifting around me. I cannot contain it. I
don’t know what that means to the other angels or whether it means
anything at all. I look over my shoulder at the sky, searching for
some sign that will guide me, but all I see is rain. For a moment,
I reel in the chaos, feeling like a bird who has one wounded wing
and now spirals toward the ground. I have no control.

Whatever has transpired
between Elizabeth and me, I know it has left a mark on me. Even
Celia has said that much to Evan. That mark might be able to take
me where I need to go even though I can’t remember it.

I focus on that house. My
arm stretches out, my hand reaching for it. Suddenly my body
shifts, and I feel the flight take a quick change I haven’t
committed. That’s when I realize some part of me is on autopilot,
leading me to that house—Elizabeth’s house.

Part of me stiffens as it
always does. It’s like looking in a mirror in which the reflection
has any number of flaws that mar what I see, and I wonder what is
truth and what is damaged glass. What have I done? When will I
remember?

There are no answers, only
more questions.

Whatever is inside knows the
path. Yes, I could block it out, but instead I want to feel
something, anything besides this wall I can’t surmount. Evan is
skilled, I will give him that.

Moments later, my feet touch
ground. It’s an old house that matches those around it, and it’s
obvious this whole town has seen better days. Everything is dark,
and I stare at the second floor of the house, immediately latching
on to the window on the far right as Elizabeth’s.

The dark yard is full of
puddles I ignore as I pass a beat-up old truck on my way to the
front door. Inside the house, the television is on, and a man with
reddish-blond hair sits in a recliner, only half- watching the
colors flowing across the screen. Part of him has drifted away into
the warm tangle of dreams. I glance away to the stairs ahead and
tread up them, keeping my body hidden. I make no sound. Of course,
it occurs to me to wonder if there is a connection between us that
is so strong will Elizabeth see me even in this alternate realm. At
one time, I wouldn’t have thought it possible, but around her, I’ve
noticed the impossible tends to change unexpectedly. Maybe nobody
else can say no to Elizabeth Moon, either.

At the top of the stairs, I
let myself be led by instinct. I feel the beckoning within me, and
I follow that warmth, calmer now I know it has nothing to do with
being a sojourner. I am not here to take her soul. In fact, I’m
really not sure why I’m here. Perhaps if Evan had been more willing
to fill in the blanks, I wouldn’t be here, taking things in my own
hand. But that’s a mute point. He’s unwilling, so here I
am.

I walk down the hall and
find her door shut, forcing me to slip through into that door and
emerge on the other side. Elizabeth’s bed is right next to the
window I viewed from outside. The full moonlight spills around her
curtains, illuminating her averted face. A sign,
perhaps?

One hand splays near her
head, the fingers twitching, reacting to whatever dreams occupy her
mind. Curious, I ease down on the bed to watch her sleep. Most of
my existence, I haven’t much cared for mortals. They are too
impetuous and needy, so willing to be broken or do the breaking,
but the one thing that intrigues me is the way they sleep. The
world around them ceases to exist. For angels, it’s not like that.
In fact, I never really needed rest until I found myself waking
without my memory. And I even overheard Evan say the need for rest
wasn’t based on the physical but some other ailment, not that I
could get out of him what that ailment might be.

I stare at Elizabeth’s
parted lips and the uneasy breathing that tells me she can’t escape
from the ties that draw us together even in her dream world. While
I’m tempted to enter her dreams, I know it’s not a good idea. It’s
easy enough to conceal my presence in this realm, but I’m not so
sure I could enter her thoughts and do so there. To my knowledge,
I’ve never done it before, and I’m not sure just how much control I
would have, so I really don’t think this is the best time to
attempt that.

“
Lev!” She whispers my name
urgently. I turn my attention to her expression, making sure that
she is still weighted beneath sleep’s blanket. Can she sense
me?

Part of me wants to rise,
afraid she’ll discover me again, yet even if I stood, I don’t know
if I could force myself to leave. I keep telling myself I’m coming
for answers, but I’m starting to realize that while I’d love
answers, I’m not venturing into Elizabeth’s world just for them.
I’m coming here because I can’t minimize the ties that bind us
together, and since she can’t come to me, I come to her.

Strange that Evan would have
gone through so much work to alter my memories but not change the
beckoning I feel from her—unless he couldn’t. A bond that Evan
couldn’t disguise or sever. That is troubling because, if it is
that strong, I won’t be able to break it, either, and this chaos
will always have its way with me. I will never be whole.