Authors: Ken Pence
Twlise leaned over and whispered in my ear, “You are king size,” she said and squeezed my thigh.
“We are going to a place that rents rooms. There will be some people I need to talk to. It seems people here thought I was dead and sold much of my assets,” I said to the group and turned back to Tod. “You will have the private investigators to meet early this evening? We need to go shopping. There is a mall over there that looks decent – let’s pull in here.”
Several media trucks pulled in with us and my folks rolled out of the van. Tod gave me a credit card. He said he’d go with us. I told Latima that he should watch for us – we needed to get new clothes. He made a disgusted sound but looked like any security person I had ever seen and scanned the nearby cars. The reporters, rolling out with their cameras, were taken aback by Latima’s look. He looked intimidating at his best.
We entered a nice shop that had a good mix of men and women’s apparel. I went through and picked out a lot of underwear and socks for the men. I told the clerks to find them four conservative, collared shirts and comfortable slacks. I took Twlise to the women’s section and gave the clerk fifty dollars to help Twlise find comfortable undergarments and dresses. Tod had given me $1,000 in cash, which would be enough for tips and meals, but we’d have to use the credit for the clothing.
The clerks had to show my neophytes how to use zippers, Velcro, and StayTite. Twlise found a nice little skirt that showed off her glorious figure and the reporters used their zooms. I did ask them to record everything so the broadcast wasn’t live. We didn’t want to be inundated with spectators but it wasn’t long before the parking lot started filling up. We continued browsing merchandise. The range of shoes was a novelty since there were right and left shoes – unlike the generic shoes on LesMa. The guys loved the athletic shoes and found some that fit well. The gravity was already hurting their legs and they were showing fatigue. They couldn’t get used to the touch-to-tighten shoe features but seemed to like it once they learned how the shoes worked. We had time for one more stop, at a beach shop. We got bathing suits and beachwear.
I had an ulterior motive in the beachwear in that I wanted the reporters to get close-ups of my ‘guests’ in clothing that didn’t cover them up. We found swim trunks and sandals for the men. The bikini section had Twlise blushing but she put on a show with ten different styles that had me sweating when she came out and modeled. We found two tiny bikinis that showed off her attributes to the best advantage and I’m sure young girls would be tattooing marks on their skin like Twlise. I knew girls who were ashamed of their birthmarks – not after today. She was stunning – with a suggestive overwrap and hat looked like the hottest models on Earth – better.
We stopped at a chain restaurant and I asked Tod to get the driver to go get antihistamine and epipens if he could – just in case. I ordered dark beers and buffalo wings – I ordered ribs for Latima…no milk products. I told the waiter that he’d get a good tip if we got fast service and gave him forty to share with the chef just to start. He hustled. I showed the ‘guests’ how to eat everything and they had a blast. Latima sucked the bones dry – he loved ribs. Twlise’s eyes watered at the buffalo wings, but she seemed to enjoy everything. They did well on the vegetables though Latima wouldn’t eat his broccoli – figure that was allowed. They loved french fries and ketchup – couldn’t get enough of those. I wished I could get them ice cream or brownies but knew they’d have trouble with the milk enzymes and caffeine in the brownies. I ordered jello and they gobbled it down.
We went by a grocery store…they had never seen the variety like this anywhere on their planet. We stuffed a cart with liquor and snacks. We got organic grapes, strawberries, oranges, and pineapple. I warned them away from several products but they wanted to touch everything. It was quite an experience. We got back to the Sheraton and unloaded our plunder. I guess I needed to get suitcases and told the driver to pick us up five rolling carryons – two for Twlise. We collapsed in bed and I showed them how to surf movies and channels in their rooms. Twlise tried to stay awake but fell asleep in my arms after a hot shower. She was exhausted – it was a big day.
The private eye that dropped by didn’t even wake up Twlise when he knocked. I invited him into the anteroom and we started getting acquainted. Rich Pyburn was ex-Metro LAPD and served a couple of tours in the Army Reserves. He seemed quite competent and I told him my concerns on how my ‘death’ had been expedited. I suggested he check who had handled the cases, the petitioner, and the judge. I also questioned him on his computer expertise and he had a Masters in Computer Science from Georgia Tech through their online program – one of the oldest and most trusted. I told him I would pay any reasonable fee and he guaranteed his work. He said he had four buddies he trusted posted around the hotel grounds. He said he had rented all the adjacent rooms and placed sensors in all of them…just in case.
The stir on the news was incredulous at first but changed after the ‘bikini photos’ appeared on the web. They went viral and had over two hundred million hits by evening. Few doubted they really were aliens. There were protests over aliens taking our jobs and what diseases had caused their ‘spots’. People are weird. I only made it through about ten pages of the financials Tod had brought me. I realized I had about 200 million in assets left – not rock bottom but way less than the billions I had had a few ‘months’ – years ago. I crashed and crawled back to bed. It was morning before I knew it. Tod was beating on the door.
“Found you an estate near here – recently deceased millionaire. He was an investment broker and died without heirs. Executor was happy to rent it for a few months. Did you get through the financials?” he asked.
“Sorry – got through a bit and then crashed. Is the ship safe? We’ll need heavy coverage at the estate. How about that Pyburn guy – the investigator?”
“Need to get you over there. It is a zoo out here. Have you seen the parking lot? It is packed with the news stations – everyone. The ‘bikini’ pictures did it – people believe the videos from shopping when the clerks had to show the guys how to use Velcro and Staytite. You can’t fake surprise like that. Twa –lese is a hit with her skin with those ‘marks’. I have had a dozen calls asking to get her on talk shows.”
“Do that,” I said.
“Really?” Tod said with a surprised look.
“Make sure the hosts guarantee anonymity before and after though – can’t have her picked up by the government ‘for being an alien without papers’ and I know they are capable of that. I think it’s going to get bad soon. We could even do some interviews at the estate – you say there’s controlled access.”
“I’ll say. The guy that owned the place was paranoid about the government – sensors in layers and a good overlapping video system. Let’s get your folks over there. Have a big breakfast set up – no milk products or caffeine. We do have almond and soy milk…you’re lucky this is California.”
****
Getting out of the hotel wasn’t too difficult but there were a lot of pictures taken. I had Cassandra send me – encrypted – video of LesMa and Xale. Pyburn and Associates sent a truck to unload Cassandra discretely. We had a constant guard of rough-ass mercenaries around the ship. We had an escort vehicle to guard the van containing the ship’s items as it came over to the estate.
The estate was nice. It was really modern with a lot of glass and a neat infinity pool. It was on a hill so onlookers would have to use drones. The guy who owned the place before had a radar system that would detect a drone and then either put it in a suicidal spin or use a directed EMP (electromagnetic pulse) to short out its systems. My guards were told that any drones were fair game with $1,000 for every one they shot down. They wouldn’t make much more than the good ones cost if they decided to have a friend fly one in but it kept them on the lookout.
Everyone loved the rooms, though my LesMa guests had to learn how to use toilet paper – they thought they had gone to a third world country since having to wipe their ass. It was like using a squat toilet – horrid, they said. However – Brunch was ready when we got settled in. I had ordered some Japanese toilets with heated seats and warm water rinses for the estate – many steps down from the LesMa toilets but not primitive.
They had different breads and spreads. They loved multigrain breads and jams. The fresh berries and fruits were a hit as was lemonade. Nuts proved to be hits too – we had almonds, cashews, filberts, macadamias, and walnuts. They loved chips – potato and corn chips. They fell in love with salsa and Tex-Mex foods.
It was an hour after the meal before the truck with the merchandise from the ship arrived. We unloaded everything inside the huge garage. I had Tod help me with the largest box and we moved it to a utility room.
“Okay,” Tod said, “What gives?”
“This may be the biggest money producer from LesMa. Get me a company engineer who does hydraulics,” I said and opened the box with its accompanying heatpipes and plumbing attachments. “I have the diagrams – hookup instructions. I want you to get copies of this thing made and patented yesterday…start a new company. I’ll be CEO but I want you as CFO. These things are incredible. They use less water than our flush toilets of today – they thoroughly clean your ass…while sitting on a warm seat. The seat is comfortable as hell and you don’t need to struggle with toilet paper. This toilet then dries your butt. It’s incredible. We need to license it to Kohler, Moen, American Standard, Toto, and all the other big ones. They have toilets that kind of do this but not nearly so well and quietly. They have figured out how to make it cheaply.”
“Since they invented it – how can we patent it?” Tod asked.
“I doubt interplanetary enforcement of patent law is going to ever happen so I think it’s safe. Make sure you get people to look at the prior art on this one – Toto has the closest thing to this but their version costs a fortune and it’s really complicated. This one uses fluidics to control everything – so it’s essentially plumbing – no electronics, and a mold for the ceramics or acrylic – don’t use fiberglass – too cold. Wait ’til you see how they heat the seat passively – incredible.”
“Are we going to start training your people on customs and pitfalls – especially Twlise?”
“Yep Tod. I tried to just get back as soon as I could and missed the opportunity. People seeing them unfamiliar with things helped us a lot but – I see your point. I’ll get them training but most of all -- I want to see if we can get any of our company back. Were you hit hard?” I asked.
“Just with the main company stocks and selling our Spaceport in Texas – that hurt. I had diversified so I’m okay but one of our people – made a bundle and has since moved to SpaceX. Tanksley. Remember her. She may have been a plant. No one has mastered your scramjet, Hall, or bias drive. Whomever thought they’d take us over thought they’d own those plans – big disappointment. I appreciate leaving it all to me and all but we need you declared alive again so I can give it all back. I’ve got some lawyers who’ll be around in the morning. We have an appearance on Good Morning America for Twlise. We’re setting up a regular studio in the estate for that – can’t fly her to New York yet.”
I went back to my team of aliens and started briefing them on what was happening. They couldn’t understand that everything hadn’t been given back to me already – I agreed. Twlise was nervous for the upcoming show but I had some L.A. makeup artist friends drive up and make her look – exotic as hell – wow. She had a little nothing of a yellow sundress on and her hair was a little tousled. She looked like she had just climbed out of a lovemaking session. Yum – she was screaming beautiful.
The program linked in to the estate network and our lights were bright. Twlise looked good. The first question was “What’s your name and where are you from?” Luckily, we had practiced some of these and she caught on fast. Her accent was like a husky French/Russian mix if you could imagine such a thing.
“My name is Twlise and I was born in Thraman City on the planet LesMa.”
“What’s your full name and where is this planet?” the hostess asked trying to get a scoop.
“We don’t give our full name to strangers and my planet is many light years from here.”
“Surely you will give us your full name and where your planet is…you look different but how do we know you are indeed from some other planet,” the hostess said with a sarcastic undertone.
“Maybe you can answers some questions for me. We would know each other better,”
“Okay,” said Lana Raines, the hostess.