I grab the tequila shot that he poured for himself from the middle of the table and down it. Hoping the quick gulp of this mind numbing liquid will give me the ability to free myself from this hell. Then, finally able to stand without fear of stumbling, I give River one last glance before leaving this uncomfortable situation. I am feeling sick and need to get out of here. He stops singing and quickly removes his guitar strap from his shoulder. I know Xander must be pretty near rip-roaring drunk, but I’m surprised when he suddenly grips my bare arm, preventing me from walking away. With his eyes burning into me, he says, "Have you had enough? Because there’s more to tell."
“
Excuse me. I need to use the restroom,” I manage, not able to listen to another word. I take off for the bathroom without even glancing at River again. Barely making it to the bathroom in time, I kneel on the floor, lift the seat, and try not to lean my head against it. The room is spinning as I heave into the toilet. When I think my stomach is finally empty, I sit back on my heels for a minute to steady myself. Once the spinning has stopped I stand up and make my way to the sink for the cool water I so desperately need.
Leaning against the counter with my head down in the sink, my senses start to return. I wonder why River didn’t tell me everything himself and how he could possibly think this information wouldn’t impact us. His brother harbors resentment towards me and I’m sure his family must as well. Hearing the door open, I already know who it is. As I look in the mirror and see his reflection all I can do is cry uncontrollably.
Coming over to me, he turns me around and grabs my face with both hands. He looks into my eyes, unaware of the information I already know. “Dahlia, are you okay? Are you sick? Did something happen with Xander?” he asks these questions without pausing for me to answer. Concern is clear in his voice.
I shake my head no but mean yes. I’m not crying because I’m sick. I’m crying because I might very well be the cause of somebody's life being drastically changed. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I hoarsely whisper while trying to urge myself to stop crying.
“
Tell you what? What are you talking about?” he asks, not knowing that his brother has basically told me I am responsible for their sister’s messed up life.
“
About your sister!” I say surprised by the hardness in my own voice.
“
Christ! What the hel . . .” he starts to say. With his face so close to mine, I’m sure he can smell the alcohol mixed with vomit on my breath.
Before he says anything else, the bathroom door opens and Xander is standing there. River turns around, but Xander doesn’t move towards us. He stays in the doorway, slightly swaying, bracing it to help balance him in his inebriated state.
Surprising me with his ability to articulate his words in his drunken state, he looks directly at me. “I’m sorry I was the one that told you, but you had to know.”
River’s eyes narrow at Xander. “What the hell did you tell her?”
I’m not usually one that invites conflict, so I feel startled by the hostility River is channeling toward this brother.
“
It wasn’t an unspoken vow of secrecy, and she needed to know,” he answers in a much more humble tone than he has had all night.
My drunken state is quickly evaporating as I look at Xander blankly, perhaps a little confused. He was so angry with me before and now he’s apologizing?
River’s face is pale as he looks at me with understanding of what Xander has told me. Then running his fingers through his hair, he steps closer to Xander as he continues with his explanation. “What I told you about Bell, those are my demons. I just wanted someone else to blame for once and there you were after all these years.”
River is much closer to Xander now and with anger in his voice says, “Just shut up Xander. Shut the fuck up.”
“
Sorry man, but she had to know.”
River slams his fist into the stall door nearest to Xander. “It wasn’t your place to tell her!”
He doesn’t even flinch from River’s close punch.
Stepping the one step between them, Xander says, “You’re right, and River I know you aren’t going to believe this, but I want you to be happy. I know you think you just met this girl but to me you’ve known her way longer. I know how you are. I don’t want you to fuck this up because of your need to always protect women because of . . .”
It seems that Xander has struck a nerve with River because he cuts him off before he can finish his thought. “You don’t think I know that you harbor guilt about Bell. I do! But that’s your guilt not mine. I let that go a long time ago. Bell is happy with her life. It’s you that’s not happy with her life and as for how you see my needs, you’re wrong.”
I am watching these two brothers tear each other apart over their sister. It is both heart-breaking and heart-warming that they love her so much to care so deeply.
Stammering with more to say, Xander shakes his head, pointing his finger at River. “You think I don’t know that you hide your guilt on the inside. You can pretend you are happy with how Bell’s life turned out but I know different.”
Then he smiles sadly as he says, “You aren’t even the one who should feel guilty. A long time ago you asked me to, no not even, I told you that I would take Bell home so you could find this girl,” he says, pointing to me and then continuing, “You didn’t then, but you have now, so don’t let me or Bell or anyone else screw it up for you, but most of all, don’t let yourself screw it up.”
Pain flashes through me at Xander’s words. Am I really to blame for their sister’s accident? Should I have told River the truth when I first met him? Couldn’t I have just stuck around and told him the truth about Ben then? Would it have mattered? My head is spinning and I may be sick again.
Xander smiles sadly, his eyes glassy as he looks from his brother to me. “Dahlia, once again I’m sorry. It has been a shitty day and I took it out on you.”
Then looking back to River he puts his hand on his shoulder, but River flinches back. “Bro, I’ll call you tomorrow.” And with that, he turns and leaves us in the bathroom.
River walks back to me as tears fill my eyes again. Swiping my fingers under my eyes, I scrunch my forehead and purse my lips. “You should’ve been the one to tell me, not him,” I yell, pointing to the door, not in anger, but more because I am upset.
He stops in front of me and swallows. Exhaling a shaky breath, he looks into my eyes and gently cups my cheeks before whispering, “Dahlia that’s not how I wanted our relationship to start,” but I pull away before he can even finish. I don’t want his touch or his charm to cloud my judgment about where we stand with each other in light of the information I have just learned.
I stare back into his eyes as he flinches at my sudden movement. They are now hazy, no longer gleaming. “River,” I say a little softer, feeling the need to make sure he knows that an omission is still a lie. “I didn’t want our relationship to start like this either, but hiding things from me . . . I can’t, I won’t be in a relationship like that, but what’s more . . . what does this mean for us?” I manage to say this, feeling bad about the meaning behind my words before they even come out. But a lie is a lie, regardless of why it was told or how it was hidden. This I know well. I experienced it with Ben just that one time and it almost ended our relationship. But this time, with River, I seem to be more concerned about what this hidden secret will do to our relationship, than the actual secret itself.
He stands there, shaking his head. “I was going to tell you, but the right time just hadn’t happened yet.”
Averting my eyes from his, with a shaky breath I manage, “I need some air.”
I walk past him, through the dimly lit bar, and out the doors into the chill of the night. There is a cool breeze in the air, sending a shiver down my spine. As I walk to nowhere I know this time the shiver isn’t from his touch. Instead, it’s from the secret he kept from me. It’s from the cold of the night.
There are still so many people walking the quaint streets we languidly stepped down when we arrived, but the happiness I felt then is gone. The people seem to be more hurried as well. They are huddling together, almost rushing in and out of the many bars and restaurants that line the street.
November in California isn’t usually this cold, but the dampness seems to warn of impending rain. Glancing upward in hopes of seeing some light, finding some answers, all I see are thick clouds covering any stars that I might have seen. They only allow a glimpse of the moon’s slight crescent-shaped glow and provide no guidance. Looking ahead instead of up because I know I will find no comfort from the sky tonight, I continue to walk, clutching my own body to keep warm and wondering why life has to be so complicated.
“
Here, put this on,” he says, taking his jacket off and wrapping it around my bare shoulders. He walks close to me, but doesn’t touch me. “If you want to go home, the car is the other way.”
Maybe I’m not as sober as I thought.
Stopping, I turn to look at him. We are toe to toe. With tears in my eyes, I say words I don’t really want to say but know I have to. “River, I think it’s time for me to go back home.”
Slumping, he closes his eyes and whispers, “Not like this. Not until we talk about everything.”
My heart breaks as I look at him but I know I have to go. “I need some time to think River. I can’t do that here.”
His eyes snap to mine, and his voice cracks in anger. “What happened to my sister has nothing to do with us. You going home and thinking isn’t going to change that or even make you understand.”
Looking at him, I hear him but choose to ignore his words. I need time to think and not in my drunken state. “I can call Aerie or Serena to come pick me up if you don’t want to take me home.” Then, remembering I didn’t bring my phone, I ask, “Can I use your phone?”
River breaks, ignoring my request; his voice grows louder than he has ever spoken to me before. “Dahlia, are you listening to me? That shit that just happened in there, that’s Xander’s life.” Motioning his finger from me to him, he continues, “I am not going to let someone’s misconceived course of events change this.”
Grabbing my shoulders with his hands, he says, “You can’t just say you are leaving. You can’t leave me again.”
I shrug out of his grip, and sway slightly as I take a step. “That’s the point River, I’m not leaving you again. I never left you five years ago because I wasn’t with you.” Tears are uncontrollably sliding down my face, my teeth are chattering, and I am freezing but I continue with what must be said. “I met a guy at a bar that I was attracted to and before things got out of hand I left. Now I find out that some unmentionable horror happened to your family because of my actions and you think we’re going to be okay?”
He flinches at my tone but tenderly places his arms on my shoulders. Dunking down so we’re at eye level he says, “That’s what I’m trying to tell you. It’s not like that.”
With complete honesty I say, “I just don’t know if I can do this. This thing we have is way more complicated than two people who are incredibly attracted to each other. Your brother is going crazy having me here. Does your sister even know any of this? And what about your mother! What will she say?”
“
Dahlia! Listen to me!” he says, but I don’t. I can’t. I don’t want my heart to break again so instead I turn around and start walking in the other direction toward his car as he keeps pace. I navigate the sidewalk surprisingly well considering how foggy my brain feels. The air and life that was being sucked out of me becomes emptiness. Neither of us says another word. As we reach the parking garage, I just want to feel the bliss one more time, but I don’t think I will.
With my whole body shaking, I get into the car and wait for him to sit. Grabbing his cold cheeks, I look at him and I see he’s shaking as well. With tears in my eyes and sadness in my voice, I say what I know I’ve felt since Xander told me about his sister. “Here’s the thing River, I’ve already lost someone I loved, and it almost killed me. What I feel for you is so much more than I ever expected, and I know that if I stay here with you and begin to live again that I won’t survive losing you. And losing you is inevitable. We can’t be together if your family blames me for your sister’s accident. In the end, it will be our undoing.”
Shaking his head, he grabs my cheeks and forces me to look at him. “That’s just it Dahlia. No one blames anyone. Bell is happy. Our family is happy. It is Xander who can’t accept what happened. And to answer your question, yes my family knows about then and about now and they are happy for me, for us.” His eyes are glassy as he holds my gaze then leans in and kisses me. With that kiss I feel the air return to my lungs and life returns.
I pull away from his soft lips, confused in my current state of mind. I don’t know what to do, but I feel like this night has been a reality check. “I believe you, but it’s still time for me to stop playing house with you. I have to go home tomorrow.”