Confucius Jane (42 page)

“I have a book for you in my bag,” Jane said, “about the medicinal practices of the South American
curanderos
. They use a lot of herbs as well. Maybe some even you've never heard of.”

“Oh, how wonderful. Thank you!”

“How are things going at the store? How are the repairs coming along?”

“The insurance company paid the claim, and everything is almost back to normal.” Sue sounded relieved, and grateful. “I'm only waiting on a few of the more rare inventory items now.”

“I'm glad to hear it. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help.”

“Aiyah,” Sue said sharply. “Don't you dare. You did so much. And you needed to get away.”

For a while, they rode in silence. Jane watched the Manhattan skyline grow larger as they approached, its lofty spires glinting in the spring sunshine. It was an awe-inspiring sight, even for someone who had traveled the world. But for the first time, the city also inspired in her a sense of wariness. Somewhere in the midst of all that steel and glass, Sutton St. James was going about her daily business. Had she so much as spared Jane a thought, since their breakup?

Jane closed her eyes to block out the city. No. She was not going to indulge like this. They were over.
Don't think about her; don't look for her; don't go anywhere she's likely to be.
As she mentally repeated the refrain, she felt her strength and conviction return. Her heart might be bruised, but it wasn't broken. New York was her home. She had just as much right to the city as Sutton, and she wasn't going to allow the specter of their relationship to drive her away.

“Oh, Jane—your aunt asked for some of my homemade noodles,” Giancarlo said as he turned the car onto the Williamsburg Bridge. “Do you mind stopping by the restaurant for a few minutes before we drop you off at home?”

“No problem.” Jane smiled at the thought of Aunt Jenny making conventional spaghetti. “Have you convinced her to put tomato sauce on those noodles?”

“I'm not sure,” he said with a laugh.

By some miracle traffic downtown wasn't heinous, but by the time they found a parking spot near Ciao Bella, the sun was beginning to set. As she walked into the restaurant behind Giancarlo and Sue, the scent of olive oil and garlic made her mouth water. But when she turned toward the kitchen, he shook his head and Sue reached for her elbow.

“This way, this way,” he said cheerfully, leading her down a short flight of stairs. A thick, gold brocade curtain blocked their path, and Jane was just about to ask where on earth they were going, when Giancarlo swept the fabric aside to reveal a small dining room. Upstairs, the walls were covered by plaster boasting colorful murals of the Roman gods. But down here, the stone had been left untouched. Gas lamps were set into wall sconces at regular intervals, making the space feel like a grotto. A wrought iron chandelier had been set in the center of the ceiling, hanging directly above the lone table in the room … where Sutton was just rising from her chair.

Jane froze in her tracks, heart pounding so hard against her rib cage that she feared it might crack. The blood roared in her brain, making it impossible to string together a coherent thought. Sutton. She was there, a mere ten feet away, wearing a royal-blue sweater dress that clung to her curves. Dark stockings and elegant gray boots showed off the contours of her legs, and Jane felt her mouth go dry even as her palms began to sweat. Feeling suddenly claustrophobic, she turned around to look for the exit, only to find Sue and Giancarlo on their way out.

“We'll be upstairs,” was all Sue said before they ducked behind the curtain. Leaving her and Sutton together. Alone.

“They tricked me.” Jane could hear the hoarseness in her own voice.

“Only because I asked them to.” Sutton moved forward slowly, as though Jane were some kind of half-feral animal. And maybe the analogy was apt. Conflicting emotions buffeted Jane's mind like hurricane winds—anger, desire, fear, resentment, pain. And love. Above all, love. Because, of course, two weeks and thousands of miles hadn't been enough to sever the connection she felt between them. The connection Sutton had rejected.

“Please don't be angry with them,” she continued, taking another step closer.

“Stop.” Jane held out one hand and summoned every remaining shred of fortitude. “Just … just stop. I don't have the strength for games. I need you to tell me, right now, what you're doing.”

A flash of hurt crossed Sutton's face before it was replaced with determination. “I need to apologize to you.”

Jane crossed her arms beneath her breasts, feeling stronger now that Sutton's advance had halted. “For what?”

“For a few things.” When Sutton held up one finger, Jane tried—without success—not to flash back to memories of her touch. She swallowed convulsively.

“First, even when we were together, I never treated you well enough. I never gave us a real chance. I was too preoccupied and self-absorbed. You deserve better.”

“Okay.” Jane ignored the part of herself that already wanted to make excuses for Sutton. She was right to apologize. Yes, she had a high-powered career, but Jane deserved more than a casual relationship contingent on Sutton's whims. That was the truth. Forcing herself to remain impassive, she nodded sharply. “What else?”

“Second, I shouldn't have cut you out during the scandal, and when my mother got sick. Yes, I was going through a lot. But I should have let you help.”

“I wanted to. So much.” Jane hated the forlorn note that had seeped into her words. Immediately, she wished she could take them back.

“I know. I needed you.” Sutton looked like she was on the verge of moving closer before she caught herself and stayed still. “I let my own pride and stubbornness get in the way.”

Jane nodded. Hope bubbled up in her chest like a hot spring, but she tamped it down. She could feel her resistance melting, but she wasn't yet ready to surrender. Doubts continued to swarm inside her fevered brain. She wanted, so badly, to believe Sutton's words. But she had to be sure.

“Is there anything else?”

“Yes. A thousand times a day, I wish I hadn't reacted the way I did to the break-in at Sue's shop. I was frightened and overwhelmed and selfish. Again. I should have stayed and helped, instead of pushing you—and everyone—away.”

Jane let her hands fall to her sides as the swell of emotion boiled over. “Now you're being too hard on yourself. You were going through an awful time. I understood that. We all did.”

But Sutton shook her head. “You were always so open. So caring. And not only you, but the entire community. I turned my back on that, and I shouldn't have.”

“Obviously you managed to prove yourself to Sue and Giancarlo.”

Sutton smiled wanly. “Only because I showed them how much I wanted the chance to prove myself to you.”

Jane swept her arm across the air. “Is that what this is?”

“This … this is a lot of things.” Sutton ran one hand through her hair, clearly nervous. “An apology. A plea for a second chance. And … a declaration.”

“A declaration?”

“I've fallen in love with you.”

Dizziness swept over Jane, and she felt herself sway on her feet. Sutton was there an instant later, holding her tightly even as she steadied her. The fragrant scent of her skin, the gentle strength of her hands, the sensation of their bodies pressed together … Jane struggled to pull in a breath and blink away unwelcome tears. When her vision cleared, Sutton's eyes were locked with hers, silently beseeching.

“It's true. I love you. I love your compassion and your generosity and your sense of humor. I love how your mind perceives the beauty of language. I love your poetry.” Freeing one hand, she reached up to brush two fingertips across Jane's lips. “I love your kisses. I love your touch. I love the way we fit together.”

Jane felt herself trembling. Sutton's words were like a downpour onto the drought-stricken earth of her heart. After having given up hope, it felt completely surreal to be holding her this way and hearing her say these things. Had she fallen asleep on the plane? Was she dreaming?

“I love the way you love me,” Sutton continued. “You make me feel strong. Cherished. Beautiful. I want to make you feel the same.” Rising up onto her toes, she pressed a gentle kiss to Jane's dry lips. “I love you, Jane.”

Slowly, Jane raised one hand and sifted her fingers through Sutton's long, golden tresses. When Sutton bit her lower lip in clear pleasure, Jane thought she might explode with emotion. Had she ever felt this much? Ever?

“I love you back,” she whispered. “I never stopped. I tried, but I couldn't.”

“I'm so glad. And so sorry for all the ways I hurt you.”

Jane pulled her closer. When she lightly stroked her tingling fingertips down Sutton's back, joy burst through her chest, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud.

“I think you've apologized enough,” she managed to say.

“I don't know about that.” Sutton's eyes were bright. “But for now, would you like to have dinner with me?”

Jane smiled—her first unreserved smile in weeks. “I would love to.”

“Oh, good.” But instead of pulling away, Sutton began to play with the fine hairs on the back of Jane's neck. “I need to find Giancarlo and tell him you'll be staying. But I don't want to move.”

“Me, neither.” Dipping her head, Jane slid her lips slowly across Sutton's perfect mouth, contentment warming her from the inside out. “One more minute,” she whispered. “Let's just stay like this for one more minute.”

*   *   *

NIGHT HAD LONG SINCE
fallen by the time Sutton stepped out onto the sidewalk in front of Ciao Bella. Immediately, Jane was behind her, holding her coat open. The display of chivalry made her flash back to the first day they had ever spent time together—Chinese New Year, when Jane had held open the bakery door. She had secretly enjoyed Jane's solicitousness then, but she openly loved it now. Murmuring her thanks, Sutton slid her arms into the sleeves. No one had ever made her feel so cherished. When Jane gently freed her hair from being trapped by her collar, Sutton shivered.

“Cold?”

“No.” Sutton turned around, meeting Jane's eyes as she did up the buttons. “Not at all.” She waited a moment for her words to sink in before turning back to face the door. Threading her fingers through Jane's, she raised her other hand to wave at Giancarlo and Sue. They stood just outside the restaurant, beaming.

“Thank you again for dinner,” she called. “Your risotto is even better than the one at the Four Seasons.”

“Yes, thanks,” Jane echoed. “It was delicious.”

“Our pleasure,” said Giancarlo.

“Have a wonderful evening,” said Sue.

With a light tug on their joined hands, Sutton directed Jane to turn north. They walked in silence for a while, and Sutton felt suddenly uncertain as she contemplated their next step. Ciao Bella's private dining room had been a romantic cocoon away from the rest of the world. Their discussion over dinner had been about the recent past—Jane's trip and the delightful news of her fellowship; Sutton's mother, Celeste's disturbing revelation, and the epiphany that had followed. Most of their conversation had flowed easily, though at times, Jane had seemed to retreat into herself. Their familiar verbal sparring had been wholly absent, but Sutton didn't want to tease Jane about anything until they were firmly on solid ground. Some of that footing would only be regained with time, but Sutton was convinced that what they really needed most was the chance to be alone together—to rediscover that deeper connection beyond language, where communication gave way to communion. Did Jane feel similarly?

Pressing their shoulders together, she spoke before she could lose her nerve. “I want you to come home with me.”

Jane looked down at her, expressionless. “But I don't have a change of clothing. Giovanni took my bags to my aunt and uncle's.”

Agitation joined her uncertainty. Had Jane changed her mind? Was she making excuses? But no—Sutton had only to remember how Jane had trembled in her arms to be certain of the truth. Jane loved her. Jane wanted her. Still, that didn't mean that she wanted her right this instant. Was Sutton moving too quickly? Every cell in her body urged her on, but was she following her instincts, or giving in to her impatience?

“I have a washing machine, remember?” she said, keeping her voice light. “You can throw in your clothes if you'd like.”

“But then I'd be naked.”

Sutton was debating whether or not to confess that that was exactly the point, when she caught the hint of a smile flickering at the corners of Jane's lips. The swell of relief that they had regained their customary banter quickly gave way to indignation. “You are the worst!”

“The worst?” Jane looked affronted. “I thought you said you loved me.”

Sutton pulled her beneath the awning of a jewelry boutique, out of the way of pedestrian traffic. Jane deserved the truth from her—now and always. “I do love you. And I don't just want you to come home with me tonight. I need you to.”

Even in the dim light of the nearest street lamp, she could tell that Jane's eyes had grown several shades darker. The sudden intensity of her expression made Sutton wish she had forgone her coat.

“Then let's go.”

They walked quickly, and this time, the silence was anticipatory. As though by some unspoken agreement, Sutton kept her hands to herself and Jane did the same. By the time they reached the front door to her apartment building, Sutton's heart was racing and her skin felt hot and tight. In a matter of minutes, they would truly make love for the first time. Her brain couldn't seem to wrap itself around that fact, but her body ached for the moment when there would no longer be any barriers between them—physical or emotional.