Confessions Of A Vampire (19 page)

The fight carried on and on, neither of us wanting to give in. We fought over the color of the bathroom and how there was never any beer in the fridge for him. At that point we were fighting over nothing and I needed to end it.

So I turned on my heels and walked out. I half expected him to not follow me, to just let me go and in all honesty, I wish that he had. I didn't want to say what he forced me to say. I didn't want to hurt him, but I was hurting myself and in the end it was best that I let it all out once and for all.

When he grabbed my arm and accused me of always walking out on him, I couldn't hold my tongue any longer. The words just spilled out of my mouth in one angry rant.

“
I keep walking out?” I asked incredulously. “You must be fucking kidding me, right? I'm
always
here. I'm the one that stays here in our home and makes sure our children are healthy and happy while you run around doing Lucifer knows what. Don't you dare fucking tell me that I'm always walking out on you.”

I could see his anger building at my words but I kept going.

“
Your own son hates you for leaving us. He can't understand how you can say that you love your family and then just leave us for months on end
without a word
. And you know what, Severus, neither can I. We have two little girls who adore you. They ask for you every single night when they go to bed and I have to tell them lies. I shouldn't have to lie to our children about you. You're their father, so start fucking acting like it. We've been married for almost four years now and I'm not sure you've even been home for one fucking year of that. Tell Lucifer to fuck off and come take care of your family before you don't have one to come home to anymore. We're really sick of always being left behind.”

I turned to walk away then and he let me. My words were sinking in and he knew that I was right. I turned as I reached the stairs, tears falling freely down my cheeks, the blood staining my ivory skin, and I looked at him.

“
Get your priorities straight, demon
,
because one day you're going to wake up and regret neglecting us. And it's going to be too fucking late when we've moved on without you.”

I don't know where he slept that night. I can only assume it was a guest room since I knew he was still in the house. I could feel him as I lay sleepless in our bed. I ached to call out for him, my bloody tears staining the pillows that took up the space where he should have been. As much as I wanted him to take me in his arms and make me feel alive again, I'd kept quiet and spent the night feeling more alone than ever, with my husband just out of reach.

The next day dawned with bright blue skies and not a cloud in sight. After breakfast I had the nanny take the girls down to the beach. I didn't want them to have to hear us fighting or even to know that something was wrong.

But I could see it written on their little faces. They knew that things were not happy in our home that day. I hugged my girls close to me, taking extra time to kiss them and make sure they knew that they were loved.

I was struggling to keep my tears in check when Severus came into the kitchen. I turned my back to him and set about heating a bottled blood. I wasn't expecting his arms around my waist but I welcomed it. I hated fighting with him and when he lightly kissed my neck, I gave into the tears that I'd been holding back all morning.

He turned me to f
ace him, wiping the blood
from my face, his smile soft. His eyes searched mine just moments before he lowered his head and kissed me. It was a kiss that spoke more than words could say. It spoke of the depth of our love for one another and how much we belonged together. It spoke of a lifetime of memories that we'd created together. This kiss was gentle and swept me off of my feet.

But it was going to take more than
just a kiss to fix this. Even as that thought ran through my mind
, my arms wound around his neck
intuitively
and I pressed my body tight against his. As the kiss deepened, he lifted me into his arms and swept me up the stairs to the bed we'd shared for years.

He laid me back on the bed and took his time undressing me, leaving a trail of steamy kisses where each article of clothing once laid. I slid my foot up his leg while my fingers traced over the muscles
of
his back,
as if
commi
t
ting them to memory
would sustain me when he inevitably left again.

I filled each touch with my love for this man. He held me softly, caressing me with gentle touches and our lips met in another of those soul shattering kisses. He tasted of bourbon and it was then that I understood how upset he'd been last evening.

As the last of our clothes found their way to the floor, I balled the comforter on our bed in my fists as he claimed my body as his again. He breathed words of love in my ear and I held onto him
and those whispered words
as our bodies moved together. I gave him all of me that morning, my heart and soul. As my nails dug into
h
is back, his thrusts grew powerful and we reached our release together.
It was the only time that day that I didn’t question our marriage. That second of time was about nothing more than sharing love with the man that had always held my heart.

As we lay together, our bodies starting to relax
and
I buried my face into his chest, hiding my bloody tears from him. I couldn't have explained to him why I was crying if he'd asked. I didn't fully understand it myself then.

His arm held me against him and I did my best to relax but something just didn't feel right anymore. We lay there for a long time, not talking, just being together.
Neither of us were willing to speak the words aloud that echoed in our minds. In so many ways it was the beginning and the end of our lives.

After that fight, Severus tried really hard to be home more. In fact for six straight months he stayed, leaving only occasionally and never being gone more than three days at a time. It was nice to have him there but I could see that he wasn't happy. He grew more and more restless and started to withdraw from us.

Part of me just wanted to tell him to leave but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I hated seeing him so unhappy but I was selfish. I wanted him home.

We didn't fight anymore during that time, but we also didn't really talk either. It got harder and harder to be together. He was starting to resent me asking him to put us first and I was starting to realize that it would never happen.

When he finally left for a trip I knew would be a long one, I decided it was time to stop kidding myself. Severus had never been created to be a family man and I'd been trying to make him something I wanted instead of something he was. I made up my mind then that I wouldn't pressure him anymore. But I also decided that I wasn't just going to sit around waiting for him either. I needed to live my life and if he chose to be a part of it, then I'd let him, b
ut I wasn't going to beg him to be
.
If he loved us, he would find the balance he needed to be what we needed.

Our children needed a parent who was involved in their lives and that fell on my shoulders. Most days I did fine, but on those occasions when I felt weak and alone, I'd look down at those big blue eyes looking up at me, expecting me to be strong and take care of them, I'd forget that Severus wasn't there and I'd be what my children needed.

“I'm guessing he came back, though
,
because he's been here.” Aaron's voice was soft and I could tell that he was worried that his question would offend me. I smiled at him and nodded.

“He did return, of course, but I told him that I wouldn't stop him from taking the jobs he wanted again.”

“And did that help things?”

“For
a while
, I guess. We rarely saw one another after that. I decided to just live my life, whether he was here or not. I couldn't stop life and our daughters needed me to be a good mom.”

“How did they take to him being gone again?”

I frowned and quickly covered it with a smile I didn't feel but hoped would appease him. “They were okay with it. Vivi and Viv were used to him being gone and I think they relished the idea of getting back to normal life. Daddy being around all the time took a lot of energy for all of us.”

“Were you happy to have him gone, Mrs. Severus?”

“I was and I wasn't. You know how people tell you to be careful what you wish for because you just may get it? That's how I felt about having Severus here all of the time. I'd wanted it so badly for so long that when I finally got
it;
it just didn't live up to my expectations. I hadn't realized how hard it would be to have him around so much.
I’d gotten used to being alone and making all of the decisions. I liked the routine of our lives and when Severus was here, everything was chaos.
”

“So you went back to life as normal, then?”

“You could say that, though I'm not so sure just how normal our life is, my dear.”

“Did anything out of the ordinary happen after you went back to life as usual?”

I saw him looking pointedly at me and chuckled to myself. He was perceptive, this young human. Shaking my head, I let the memory fill the room as I spoke.

Chapter Twenty-F
our

Severus had been gone for at least a month when I got a call that chilled me to my bones. I looked at the pink slip of paper that the servant had handed me and stared at the words in disbelief.

Why would Draven's attorney be calling me? I pulled my cell
phone out of my pocket and dialed the number by memory, waiting rather impatiently for her to pick up the phone. As soon as I heard my sister's voice I felt calm.

I explained to Star about the message I'd gotten and I heard the worry in her voice. She expressed her concern about my ex-husband trying to weasel his way back into my undeath. I tried to put her at ease, but we both knew that Draven could make things difficult if he chose. An hour later I hung up, feeling a bit more reassured after talking to Star.

My sister and I lived in different cities now and she had her own life. But she'd always be there if I needed her and vice versa. She'd
in a committed relationship with
a werewolf of all things and they'd adopted two adorable little girls a few years ago. It was good to see her so happy after all of these years.
She finally had everything that had been stolen from her when I found her near death that night.

But she had a right to worry about Draven and so did I. Neither of us had spoken of what had happened back then and it was best that way. The divorce had been bitter and Draven had never truly forgiven me for it and when he'd returned during that time I was split from Severus it had gotten out of hand.

Draven was determined that we'd get back together and I was convinced that Severus would finally realize that he loved me. Even though I enjoyed the attention Draven so freely lavished on me, my heart wasn't in a relationship with him. I used him to try to make Severus jealous.

I'm not proud of using Draven, but as my mother used to say, it is what it is and I've dealt with it. After Severus left, I'd pushed Draven away. But he didn't give up. He came to be one of the few beings that could pull me out of my depression and soon we were back to being an item. But Draven still couldn't replace the demon in my heart and as hard as I tried, I didn't love the vampire even a third of what I loved Severus.

I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn't stand to face the nights alone anymore and Draven was there. Star kept quiet this time, not because she agreed with what I was doing, but because she was worried that without Draven there, I wouldn't have survived Severus' leaving.
She was probably right in that assumption. I didn’t handle losing Severus very well.

With each day that passed I felt more and more lost, except for the few moments of the day when Draven was there. Before I knew it, I had fallen back into his bed and he was starting to pressure me into a relationship. I put him off as much as I could but soon I started to question why I wasn't with him.