Confessions in the Dark (19 page)

When he came back to himself, his breath was ragged, his heart racing. Serena's chest heaved as she lay there surrounding him, as close to him as a person could possibly be.

He forced his fingers to uncurl, letting go of the grip he had on her hip. Then slowly, trying to say the things they hadn't yet, he placed his palm flush over hers, right next to his heart.

He still didn't know if he could give her what she deserved. But with all the strength he had left, he held on.

A
t first, Serena thought it was her alarm. She groaned, half sitting up, but the warm, heavy arm draped across her waist had her pinned. Blinking against the darkness, she furrowed her brow. Huh. For once, Cole was passed out in the bed beside her as opposed to wandering her kitchen. She nudged at his shoulder, but he just snuffled deeper into the pillow, tightening his grip. It would be adorable, except the alarm was still blaring.

Only...She tilted her head, craning her neck to listen better.

That wasn't her alarm.

Confused, she glanced toward her clock.

“Crap.”

She was used to getting up early, but this was ridiculous.

“Cole?” She swatted harder at his arm this time, and he finally budged, sleep-heavy voice mumbling something unintelligible as he rolled off.

Funny—she'd never pegged him for a cuddler, but in his sleep, apparently he clung on like a limpet.

Free to do so, she sat up and rubbed at her eyes. The blaring of the buzzer for the door downstairs didn't so much as pause. With a sigh, she threw off the covers and rose. She gave a full-body shiver when her feet touched the floor. Going to bed naked had seemed like a good idea at the time, but it was freaking freezing now. She grabbed her robe off the back of the door and drew it on.

Cole's voice followed her as she stepped into the hallway. “What—”

Beyond what had been necessary to extricate herself, she'd tried not to wake him—he got so little sleep as it was—but apparently, that was a lost cause.

“Heck if I know.”

If this was some jerk randomly pushing buttons, he was getting a piece of her mind.

Flicking on the hallway light, she made her way to the intercom and pressed the buzzer. “For God's sake, what?”

“Serena?”

Not some random idiot, then. “Yeah?”

“It's Penny.”

Serena's eyes snapped the rest of the way open. An icy hand reached its way into her heart. “Penny?”

What on earth was her sister doing here?

“Can I come up?”

“Of course.” Scrambling, she stabbed at the button to unlock the door downstairs. She heard it unlatching and made a beeline for her own apartment door, throwing the bolt and tugging it open. An even colder gust of air met her on the landing.

Too late, it struck her that she was naked under this robe. Her hair was probably a bird's nest, and she was freezing in her bare feet. She saw her sister so rarely these days, and there was just something about your big sis. Serena had looked up to her for so long, even after she'd fallen apart. There would always be this part of her that craved Penny's approval. That wanted to impress her. For half a second, she seriously considered running back inside to try to make herself presentable.

But then Penny was there, trudging her way up the stairs.

“Oh my God.” The words just came out, much louder than she'd intended, considering she hadn't meant to say them at all. She slapped her hand over her mouth.

Back when they'd been kids, people had often commented on how similar the two of them looked—the same blond hair, green eyes, and pale skin. Most of the time, when Penny was healthy, she'd worn her looks with grace, caring more about style and clothes than Serena ever had. But now, Penny's hair was dull, the ends ragged against her shoulders. Her eyes were bloodshot, and dark circles made them look sunken. Her paleness pointed more at blood loss than a northern European heritage.

One corner of her bitten, chapped lips pulled upward. “Well, if it isn't my baby sister.”

With that, she stumbled and nearly went careening down the stairs.

Snapping into action, Serena threw the door wider and hustled down the couple of steps to meet her. Penny fell into her arms, and Serena's stomach sank further. She smelled like two days on a bus—and that wasn't really all that far-fetched, was it? Beneath the leather of Penny's jacket, Serena could feel ribs.

“Come on.” She fought to steer her toward the apartment.

Together, they managed to get to the top of the stairs and through the door. Serena led her to the couch, where she all but collapsed. Serena stood up straight again, chest tight.

She could handle this, though. She'd get some coffee going and definitely some food—even she could scramble a couple of eggs. And then she'd sneak into her room to get dressed and call her mom.

It was the first idea to offer her any consolation at all. Mom. Mom would know what to do.

Resolved, she turned. Only to find Cole standing in the doorway, looking all of his six-foot-something.

And suddenly she could imagine what it must have been like to be one of those muggers he'd chased down—to have all of
that
glowering at you from across a crowded train station.

He'd warned her about it so many times. But for the first time, she felt this tiny, shivering tickle of fear.

She shook it off. But that didn't mean she had any idea what to say. Lost, she glanced from Cole to Penny and back again, hoping the uncertain expression on her face said it all.

Cole deflated by a fraction. He was still clearly on high alert, but he softened his shoulders, cutting slightly less imposing of a figure. He'd dragged on his clay-spattered jeans from the night before, but other than that, he was naked, too, those bold, beautiful, painful designs on his chest and arm on stark display.

Leaning into his crutch, he stepped to the side. “I'll get some coffee going.”

A warmth lit off inside Serena's chest, nearly as bright as the spark she'd had remembering her mother.

She didn't have to figure this out alone. Whatever
this
was, she had her family to lean on. She had Cole.

Then one member of her family groaned. “Shit. Rena. I didn't know you'd have someone—”

“It's fine.” It was pretty darn crappy timing, was what it was. After the intensity of last night, Serena had drifted off with
plans
for what she was going to do with Cole this morning. But that was all right. She angled herself so she could see them both. “Penny, this is...” God, it was so middle school to be stuttering over a word like this—and she would know. She rolled her eyes at herself and soldiered on. “This is my boyfriend, Cole. Cole, this is my sister, Penny.”

“Charmed,” Cole said from the other room, managing a tight smile.

It was way too early for any of this.

She sighed. “Look, let me go get dressed real quick. Just—” A little bit of the desperation clawing at her chest leaked through. “Don't go anywhere, okay?”

The wry tilt to Penny's mouth made her look at least a little bit more like herself. “Like I have anywhere else left to go.”

Serena cast one last glance Cole's way. He nodded at her, and she mouthed a silent
Thank you
at him before retreating. He hadn't signed up for any of this, and yet here he was. Gratitude had her blinking hard.

With her bedroom door closed behind her, she headed straight for her phone to text her mom. It was too early for her to be awake, but she'd kill Serena if she kept this to herself.

Don't panic, but Penny just showed up at my apartment.

Setting her phone down, she shucked her robe. If she was planning to go to work, she'd have to change again in an hour, but for now, she tugged on jeans and a sweatshirt and called it good.

Her phone buzzed.

WHAT???

Serena's thoughts exactly. She texted back quickly:
I don't know what's going on yet, but I knew you'd want to know.

She'd barely fired it off before her phone vibrated in her hand.
I'm coming right over.

No
, she replied,
you're not. She came to me for a reason.
She bit her lip as she glanced toward the door.
I'll let you know as soon as I have a clue, but for now sit tight. Get Max off to school and then we'll talk.

Heck. Max. What a mess would it be if her mom showed up with him in tow?

Switching her phone to silent, she stuffed it in her pocket and headed back out.

It shouldn't have been such a relief to find Penny still on her couch, but she let out a deep breath all the same.

Penny had curled in on herself while she'd been gone. She fluttered her eyes open as Serena approached and flashed her a weak but all-too-familiar smile. “What? Did you really think I'd disappear?”

“No.” Not really. But maybe a little.

In the other room, Cole was a silent presence manning a couple of frying pans, and the well of gratitude burned even brighter in Serena's chest. He caught her eye as she glanced in on him and gestured with his head toward her sister.

And it wasn't really that Serena had been stalling, but maybe, just a little bit, she had.

She took one last detour, stopping to fill a couple of mugs with coffee and doctoring them up before taking them over to the couch. She passed one to Penny, who took it with that same exhausted smile.

Serena second-guessed herself, hand still outstretched. “Do you actually want that? If you just want to crash or something...” She gestured toward the bedrooms, but Penny shook her head.

“Nah, I'm gonna need it before Mom shows up anyway. Is she on her way?” The look she shot Serena this time was pointed.

Serena swallowed, but she refused to feel guilty. “I think I convinced her to wait until she gets Max seen off.”

Penny closed her eyes, cradling her mug close to her chest. “Well, that's something at least.”

“I couldn't not tell her.”

“No,” Penny said. “I guess you never could.”

Serena was
not
going to get defensive. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing.” Penny opened her eyes again. “Just you and Mom. Always in cahoots.”

What? They'd been close enough, sure, but Penny had always been her favorite.

She stopped. This was her letting herself get distracted
and
defensive.

Forcibly relaxing her shoulders, she perched on the other end of the couch. She hesitated, entirely too aware of Cole listening in from the other room, of the distance between her sister and her.

She ignored it all, though, and reached out to rest a hand on Penny's ankle. “What's going on?”

Penny's eyes shone. Her coffee threatened to splash over the side with how hard her hands shook. “Rena. I think I made a really big mistake.”

T
he first time Penny got sick, she was thirteen years old. Serena had been just shy of her tenth birthday—just a little bit younger than Max was now. Amicable as it was, her parents' separation had still been fresh. Her sister had been a moody teenager, dealing with honors classes that actually challenged her for the first time, way more stressed than a kid her age should really be. Between that and the divorce, everybody had ignored the signs.

So many times, later, they'd wished that they hadn't.

Penny had woken Serena up the day after her birthday, crying uncontrollably, the floodgates opening. She'd been so stressed, she couldn't focus, she couldn't sleep, she was worthless and she wanted for it to all be
over
.

And Serena had felt like she'd been the one watching her life flash before her eyes.

She still wasn't sure how she'd managed to talk her sister down enough to get their mom involved. But suddenly, sitting there on her couch with a much older, more bedraggled Penny before her, Serena felt like she was right on the cusp of being ten years old all over again. And just like then, she didn't have a clue what she was doing.

Struggling to keep her voice even, she asked, “What do you mean?”

The misting in Penny's eyes spilled over, twin droplets trickling silently down her cheeks. “Everything, Rena. My whole life. I think it was a mistake.”

Oh, God.

The thing was, Serena had done all the reading back when she was a kid. She'd done even more as a teen when things had hit a crisis point again. You couldn't rationalize with depression. You couldn't just tell someone to cheer up or to look at all the good things in her life.

Wishing she'd managed to get a little bit more of the caffeine into her bloodstream before they'd started this conversation, Serena set her mug aside, scooting closer on the couch until she could tuck her sister under her arm. Penny went easily enough, resting her head on Serena's shoulder and curling into a ball.

“I'm so glad you're here,” Serena said. A fierceness overtook her as she pressed a kiss to her sister's brow. She was glad Penny was here in this room, glad she was still here and breathing on this earth. “You were right to come.” She blinked hard at the shudder of a sob that racked her sister's frame. “Now tell me
everything
.”

And it was as if something melted in Penny's spine, as if maybe she'd been waiting for someone to ask her that forever.

“I don't even know. It just...It got bad again, you know? And I've been handling it. I've been doing everything right. No skipping appointments or doses or anything, but it just got worse. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a pool, and I can't breathe, and—” Her voice ratcheted higher and higher, coming faster with every ragged inhalation.

Serena clutched her close, stroking her hair and mumbling nonsense, the words of comfort she'd been practicing for what felt like her entire life now.

Movement at the corner of her vision drew her gaze up. She met Cole's eyes across the room. Concern crinkled his brow, an unspoken question on his lips, but she gave a tiny shake of her head. She was fine. She had this.

Looking away, she ran her hand over Penny's back. “It's okay. It's all okay.”

“Just...remember when I was smart?”

“Shhh. You're one of the smartest people I know.”

Her sister gave a choking laugh. “You wouldn't know it. I lost another job. I thought I'd find something, but the insurance ran out, and I don't know how I'm going to pay for any of it.”

Serena swallowed. That was a problem, but they'd figure it out. “We'll take care of it. Your only job right now is to get well again.” Maybe it would be something simple like switching her meds. Maybe it wouldn't. Either way...“As long as you're here, we'll take care of you.”

How long would that even be? Penny hated having Serena and their mother clucking over her—she'd made that perfectly clear the last time she'd left.

Even now, Serena was probably holding on too tight.

She forced herself to loosen her grip. “And then when you're better,” she said, shaky, “when you're well enough to go back home, we'll get you all set up. Get everything in place.”

A treatment plan and the right doctors. Maybe they could even get Penny to give them the names of some of her friends so they could establish a decent network this time. That way, when things went wrong, she and her mom wouldn't have to sit here, halfway across the country and going out of their minds with worry.

Except before she could say any of that, Penny pulled free, sitting straight. The coffee she still had clasped between her hands sloshed dangerously, but Penny didn't pay it any mind.

“No. No, Rena, don't you get it? I—” Something in her face broke. “If you don't want me to, it's okay. Fuck, you'd have enough reason to. I—” She almost looked like she was about to get up, and Serena had this teetering moment where she imagined her sister heading straight out the door, maybe never to be seen or heard from again.

Serena reached out, getting a hand on her wrist and holding on tight. “What are you talking about?”

Hazy green eyes the exact same shade as her own focused in on her. “My
life
is a mistake, Rena.”

“I—”

A fresh wave of tears streaked down her face. “I spent all this time running away. I thought it was better for you and better for Max and Mom, and just better. For everyone. But I can't—I just can't anymore.”

“Okay.” Serena took a steadying breath, but her mind was spinning.

Better?
Nothing was
better
when Penny wasn't there.

Penny shook her head. “I didn't want to be the broken sister or the useless mother or the fucking burden anymore. But instead...” Her voice cracked, and Serena's heart did, too. “I ended up not really having a family at all, and I'm tired. I'm so tired.”

“Penny...”

“Please.” She twisted her wrist, flipping it around so she was grasping Serena right back. “Please. Rena. I want to come
home
.”

Cole didn't belong here.

His throat tight, he flipped the eggs and turned off the stove. Out in the other room, both Penny and Serena were crying now, and the whole thing had his heart feeling tender and his neck hot. This was between the two of them, and as much as he wanted to help, to support, he didn't really have any place here.

He didn't have any place
anywhere
. Just seconds ago, Penny had been talking about not having a family. Cole had one, distant as they were, both emotionally and geographically. For a brief, shimmering moment, back with Helen, he'd had another. He'd had siblings, if only in law. Nieces and nephews. But he'd lost them along with everything else.

Watching Penny be accepted back into the fold made something inside him ache.

But this wasn't about him.

The toaster popped, pulling him out of his circling thoughts. He placed a slice on the first two plates, then set another couple of pieces going. He trained his ears toward the other room, waiting for a lull. When it came, schooling his expression, he turned.

“Breakfast is ready, ladies.”

Serena smiled her thanks, letting her sister go. “I'll get it.”

As she approached, the tender spots on Cole's heart bloomed into bruises. The instant she came within reach, he caught her up with his free arm, tugging her close and breathing in her scent. “You're amazing,” he whispered.

She'd been so kind and patient and loving with him. He should've known it came from practice.

With a soft, wet laugh, she shook her head. “Hardly.”

“You are. You don't even know.” He released her, cupping her face as he did and swiping his thumb at the traces of tears left on her cheeks. “What can I do?”

“You've already done so much...”

He fixed her with a stern look. “I've made breakfast.”

“My point exactly. Thank you.”

She expected so bloody little from people. If he could, he'd give her the world.

He opened his mouth to tell her just that, but she kissed his knuckles, then ducked under his arm, effectively giving him her back. It left him on the outside all over again. Useless.

Opening the silverware drawer, she grabbed a couple of forks, then pitched her voice higher as she picked up her and Penny's plates. “After this, we're probably going to get cleaned up. If you want to go back to your place to shower or whatever...”

She probably didn't mean it that way, but it felt like a dismissal all the same. “Do you want me to? I'm happy to stay. To help.”

“My mom'll be here eventually.” She shrugged.

So she
did
want him to go. A part of him itched to protest. It wasn't just the early morning wake-up call that had originally had him on edge, prepared to throw out anyone who meant Serena harm. He couldn't quite put his finger on it, but there was still this feeling of unease that made him hesitant to leave.

But he'd do as she asked.

He wasn't sure who he was comforting as he tugged her in again, fitting his chest in tight against her spine. He pressed a hard, too-intense kiss to her temple, closing his eyes for the span of a breath. “If you need me...”

“I know where you live,” she said, all quiet resolve.

She'd asked him once to trust her. Part of that was trusting her to be able to handle this the way she wanted.

So even though it killed him, he let her go.

There wasn't any warning. One second, Serena and Penny were sitting huddled on the couch, distracting themselves with reruns on Netflix, and the next the door crashed open, slamming into the doorstop with a crack. Serena started, jumping to her feet.

Her mother was a fright, hair undone, the buttons on her jacket misaligned. Wild, crazed eyes scanned the apartment, racing back and forth. They skated right past Serena, and Serena's stomach gave a hint of a twist.

It twisted harder when they found what they were looking for. Her mother's gaze homed in on Penny's face, and with scarcely another breath, she was stalking across the room. Her nostrils flared, her pointer finger coming out, jabbing wildly toward the ground, punctuating every word. “Do you have
any
idea what I have been through this month? Do you want to kill your mother? Do you want me in an early grave?”

“Jeez, Mom—”

“Don't you ‘jeez' me. What were you thinking scaring us like that?”

Penny crossed her arms over her chest, squirming as she slumped down deeper against the couch. “I didn't mean to.”

At least this put them back on familiar ground. Penny's frustration with being
handled
, as she put it, had sometimes led her to acting out. The aftermath had usually ended up like this, with their mother channeling sheer terror into screaming while Penny quietly stewed. Serena watched on, stuck in place the way she always was, all secondhand terror and this wrong, irrational envy.

Penny was
sick
. Mental illness was just as serious as any other kind. Of course she got the lion's share of the attention. Of course their mother had been scared.

And yet, Serena couldn't seem to beat back the tiny curl of wistfulness inside her.

When had her mother ever looked at
her
like that? With that kind of ferocity and desperation to her love?

Letting out a deep breath, their mom crossed the final feet of space to the couch only to drop to her knees. She set her hands on Penny's shoulders, eyes brimming over. “Don't you ever do that to me again, you hear me? My heart can't take it. Not after everything else.”

Lip trembling, Penny hugged herself tighter. “I'm sorry, Mom.”

“I thought I'd lost you.” With that, their mom hauled Penny into her arms. Penny resisted for the barest fraction of a moment before melting into it.

“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.”

Mom just clutched her harder, rocking them back and forth, cheeks wet.

Serena's own eyes stung, vision blurring. The lump in her throat threatened to choke her as she swallowed again and again.

Finally, their mom let Penny go. She clasped her by the shoulders, holding her at arm's length, physically shaking her. “Things get bad again, you call me, okay? You don't disappear and you don't scare your sister. You call
me
.”

“I know.” Penny curled her arms around herself, like she was trying to make herself smaller. “I thought I could handle it myself, but...”

She trailed off, and the nervy anticipation in Serena's chest made her lungs squeeze tight. Their mother looked set to launch right back into another lecture, and Serena couldn't take it anymore.

“Penny,” Serena broke in. “Tell Mom what you told me.”

Penny's mouth pinched as she looked to Serena. But she gave a little nod. “I...I want to come home.”

And Serena watched it all happen. Their mom froze, everything in her going deathly still except her eyes. Her gaze bounced back and forth between her daughters. “Don't play with your poor mother's heart.”

“I'm not,” Penny said. “I promise. I already told Serena. I just...I want a new start. I don't want to have to do it alone anymore.”

A pale shred of hope fought its way into their mother's eyes. “You mean it.”

Penny's voice seemed to catch, so she just nodded, throat bobbing. Weak and small, she managed, “Mom, please. Can I come home?”

“Oh, baby girl.” Her mouth cracked. “Of course you can.”

They fell into each other's arms again, and Serena's tears spilled over.

They were going to be a family again. It was like this glowing bubble in her chest had formed, and it expanded, growing and growing until it felt like it would burst. Penny had left, and there'd been this hole in all their lives ever since. It was finally going to be filled, and she couldn't be happier.