Complete New Tales of Para Handy (45 page)

Craigmarloch, in a sheltered and handsomely wooded valley, was the most popular destination for charter parties and scheduled excursions alike, and the Restaurant and Tea Rooms were opened in 1905 to provide a necessary service (and indeed a
purpose
to the whole outing, namely a couple of hours ashore) in what was otherwise a remote and inaccessible corner.

Though I was born and brought up in the West, both my father's and mother's forebears had connections with Falkirk and the surrounding district and from an age when indeed I knew no better I was therefore inducted as a supporter of Falkirk Football Club and I have never regretted that despite the vicissitudes of the last 40 years. The Club is something of a Cinderella in Scottish football and a glorious uncertainty as to likely performance goes as they say ‘with the territory'. Not for nothing is ‘Expect the Unexpected' an unofficial rallying-cry for many Falkirk fans. All teams have their ups-and-downs, but ours are often particularly dramatic: and traumatic. A team which can travel to Parkhead as hopeless underdogs and come away with the points can also host a home game against a minor Division minnow in the Cup — and lose.

But we
did
win the Cup in 1913 against Raith Rovers: and again (and I own to being old enough to have actually been there) in 1957 against Kilmarnock. A modest gap of 44 years between these landmarks seems somehow appropriate in all the circumstances. Pragmatic and superstitious Falkirk fans the world over — and there
are
Falkirk fans the world over, and great is their kind camaraderie — therefore have high hopes for 2001.

P
ADDLE
P
OWER
— In a cavalcade of another category, half-a-dozen sail-powered fishing vessels get the benefit of a steam-driven tow out of Campbeltown Loch, presumably on a day of adverse wind or tide: or both. The high freeboard of the fishing boats is as striking as the astonishing beam displayed by the tug, although this may simply be exaggerated by the camera angle. However, at least the procession would mean a brief respite for the hard-driven fishing crews.

38

Scotch and Water

A
s the
Vital Spark
passed the end of Meadowhill Quay on her way down river, at that point where the river Kelvin debouched into the Clyde, Para Handy leaned from the wheelhouse to watch with particular interest the delicate manoeuvres of the craneman who was busily occupied in lowering, with a quite impressive precision, a gleaming and curiously shaped copper tank into the fore-hold of a small three-island steamer.

“A still,” he said enviously to the Mate, who was seated below him, cross-legged on the main-hatch. “A
still
! I wonder where it's bound for? Campbeltown, I wouldna wonder. My chove though, it iss a real whopper! If you had wan o' them at the foot of your drying green you would be set up for life!”

“Or
daein'
life mair likely,” remarked Macphail, easing himself out of the engine-room, “and wi' little chance of ony remission for guid behaviour neither.”

Para Handy ignored the comment. “I am chust aawful vexed that Jeck is no' with us, for he'd be maist interested in her,” he continued. “It has aalways been his ambition to go in for what you might caall serious commercial production, raither than chust pickin' awa' at the business wi' a pocket-size version that canna do much more than turn oot the odd bottle or two for frien's or family.

“He wass very disappointed that we neffer once had a contract to cairry a still whiles he wass on the vessel. I told him the hold chust wassna big enough to tak' wan, but he wass aalways hopeful that we would get the chance of wan as deck cairgo. His idea wass that we could say that we had lost it overboard in heavy weather and have the dustillery chust claim off their unsurance, for he aye had the notion to land a still on Eilean Loain, at the head of Loch Sween, and set up in business on his own account.

“ ‘Loain iss well-wooded and we could hide the operation withoot ony trouble,” he would point out: ‘forbye, there iss no a hoose within a mile of the island and anyway they are aal Highland chentlemen in that part of Argyll, they would be well pleased to have a local enterprise such ass a smaall, privately-owned whusky still on the doorstep and would neffer even think to let the Customs people know that there wass something there for them to investigate. Indeed it would be fine and handy for the Loch Sween men: maist o' them are carryin' on their own private operations in the same line o' business and when we wass buying grain in bulk for our dustillery we would look efter their needs at the same time, and shup barley in for them at cost.' ”

Macphail snorted. “The man should be locked up!” he said. “He iss nothin' but a one-man crime wave, if you ask me.”

“But I didna ask you,” said the Captain brusquely, “so awa' back doon and play wi' your enchines and leave us in peace.”

The engineer climbed back into his cubby and slammed the metal hatch angrily behind him.

“That's put his gas at a peep,” said Para Handy firmly. “There iss only wan way to treat a man like Macphail and that iss to let him know who iss master on the shup!”

Sunny Jim, who had been perched up in the bows as the puffer made her way down river, came aft and sat down beside Dougie on the hatch.

“So Hurricane Jack never got his still, eh?” said he.

“Not while he wass with the
Vital Spark
he didna, no,” said the Captain: “but he did when he was working one summer ass a deck hand on the
Ivanhoe
.”

“How on earth did a steamer come to be cairrying cargo?” asked Sunny Jim incredulously: “and whit way could a deckie manage to steal it?”

“I didna say it was cargo, Jum,” said Para Handy patiently. “It wassna like that at aal. What happened wass that Jeck
installed
a spurit still on the vessel. As he said to me when he wass makin' his plans, a moving target iss that much more difficult to hit, it iss neffer in the same place two days running and if a bottle or two of the white spurits wass to come on the market in, say, Tarbert on a Thursday mornin' and be intercepted by the chentlemen from the Excise Offices, who would effer think that the source of it might be moored at Bridge Wharf on Friday afternoon?

“ ‘The point is, Peter,' said Jeck, ‘the powers that be aalways expect a stull to be a kind of a fixed asset, ass they say in financial circles, no' something that's aye on the move.'

“Putting her on a steamer wass a brulliant notion, but the real stroke of genius, which you would expect from a man of Jeck's natural agility, was to put her onto the
Ivanhoe
of aal the vessels on the Clyde. I mean, even if a whisper effer came to the ears of the Customs men that there was a shup on the river traipsing aboot wi' a portable still on board, which offeecial would effer jalouse that onybody would have the sheer effrontery to put it on the wan and only temperance steamer on the Firth? They would be ass likely to expect to find the Grand Master o' the Ancient Order of Rechabites calling for a round in the snug bar of the Saracen's Heid at the Gallowgate.

“Of course, it wass chust a wee machine, but it wass perfectly capable of distilling two bottles of spurits each trup that the
Ivanhoe
made, and Jeck wass neffer effer an over-ambitious man, what he couldna either sell or swallow himself he wassna interested in.

“The Golden Goose he chrustened it, and each evening he came off the vessel at the Broomielaw wi' two bottles under his shirt, wan to tak' home and the other to sell discreetly at the pier-head. He wassna greedy neither, three shullings the bottle wass aal he asked.”

Sunny Jim burst in with the question he had been desperate to ask for some minutes. “Where on earth,” he enquired, “did Jack put the stull on the shup, and how did he hide it?”

“One of Jeck's responsibilities,” continued the Captain, “was the regular inspection and maintenance of the lifeboats. Aal their equipment — oars, water-bottles, flares, biscuit-boxes, signal lamps and the like — wass aal protected from the weather and the depredations of ony passing stevedores or light-fingered passengers by a heavy tarpaulin cover.

“There wass one boat chust abaft the paddle wheel at each side of the shup but they were far too much in sight of the Officers on the brudge: but there wass a third one at the stern, lying inboard on a cradle chust immediately above the shup's galley.

“It wass ideal. That piece of deck wass out-of-bounds to the passengers, it wass hidden from the brudge by the line of the upper deck which formed the roof of the aft saloon, and since aal the ventilation shafts and chumneys from the stoves in the galley came up aal aboot it, nobody wass going to notice one more wee vent pipe in among aal that lot, and nobody would think it at aal oot of the ordinary if there wass an occasional smell o' barley aboot the place.

“Jeck stayed aboard late one night till aal the crew was ashore and then he removed a couple of the thwarts from the boat to give him room and bolted doon a wee copper stull wi' a paraffin burner and a funnel vent that he'd bought from an acquaintance.

“It was plain sailing from then on. Each mornin' he'd sneak on board really early wi' a big jar o' home-made fermented barley wash, tip it into the still, prime and light the burner, and away to his duties. At denner-time he would dump the lees of the wash in the river and set up the second distillation. Each evening he would decant the day's production out of the jar below the condenser and into a couple of empty bottles, cork them firmly, and head off.

“From the start of the summer season in May efferything went as smooth as silk for Jeck. He had to take a couple o' the other deck hands into his confudence. There wass occasions when there wass towerists leaning on the after rail o' the promenade deck watchin' what Jeck wass up to on the stern deck below them, and someone official-lookin' wass needed to go up to the promenade deck and clear them awa' from the after end o' it till he had finished his business. But that wass no problem.

“Jeck made his fatal error of chudgement at the time of Gleska Fair. The shup wass absolutely packed wi' truppers day on day.

“Till now, Jeck had neffer been tempted to sell at retail, ass you might say: he wass quite happy to dispose of the output of the Golden Goose at wholesale price, and by the bottle. But during the Fair he suddenly realised that, what wi' the demand for a place on the boats, there was many truppers takin' the
Ivanhoe
not
because
she wass a teetotal boat (as wass aalways the case in other months), but
despite
it, and because they wass chust gled to get passage on
any
doon-the-watter steamer.

“The result wass that Jeck and his shipmates wass constantly being importuned by very thursty-looking Gleska chentlemen as to whereaboots the Bar wass and where refreshments wass being sold. Their language on being told that the shup wass teetotal would have shamed the Trongate on a Saturday night, neffer mind the driest shup on the river!

“Jeck wass sorely tempted. When he did his sums he realised that the bottles he wass selling at chust three shullings would bring in three times as much if he wass to sell the contents by the gless, and he had a stockpile of spurits at home to top up the two bottles a day that the Golden Goose wass producing. It could be a very profitable Fair Fortnight if he wass careful.

“What decided him wass that he found an old unused paint-locker let into the paddle-box casing on the starboard side of the shup, across the passageway from the viewing platform for the enchines. It had wan o' these splut-doors that let you open the upper part of it and keep the bottom half shut. And though it wass a busy spot, efferybody wass watching the big pistons on the enchines, they wass the most popular sight on the shup, and nobody was lookin' at the casing wall at aal.

“First thing the next morning Jeck shut himself into the cubby wi' half-a-dozen bottles of spurits, a stack o' paper cups, and a wee wudden box for the money. His shupmates were on commission at a penny a gless and it was their chob to identify ony chentlemen that looked in need of a refreshment. They wass told that if they went to Jeck's locker and knocked on the door once and then three times — rat: tat-tat-tat — then it would be Open Sesame, and the whisky wass sixpence a gless.

“For five solid days the money chust poured in, and Jeck wass so delighted with the way things was going that he volunteered for a Sunday shift, a thing he'd neffer done before aal his time on the vessel. He wass busier than effer that day, for what with it being the Sabbath there wass double pleasure for the chentlemen in being able to get a dram, and the news o' Jeck's shebeen spread like wildfire through the shup.

“Tragedy struck at chust past mid-day. Jeck had been pouring almost non-stop since the
Ivanhoe
had left Brudge Wharf at nine o'clock, and when there wass a sudden wee lull in the knockin' at the cubby door, he thought nothing of it and was quite glad of the chance to draw breath. Though ass a rule Jeck neffer, effer drank while he wass on duty he thought he would treat himself to chust the wan wee dram. He wass enchoying the first smack of it when there was a kind of a scratching at the door. Jeck opened the upper-half wi' one hand, the gless of spurits held tight in the other, and asked cheerily and politely (for he wass aalways the perfect chentlemen) ‘How many wull it be boys, speak up and dinna be feart, we're aal Jock Tamson's bairns on the good shup
Ivanhoe
' — and found himself staring into the horror-struck faces of the shup's Captain and First Officer.