Authors: B.L. Mooney
“Don’t beat yourself up over it. I don’t know what I would do
without my parents.” I hesitated, but knew I needed to ask. “Do you need us to
leave? I mean, we would understa—”
Vicki whipped around, shaking her head. “No, please stay. I need
you to stay.”
“Okay. If you’re sure.”
“Yes. I’m sorry. I want tonight to be an apology for how I
reacted to you the first time I met you. I know you’re not having an affair
with Matt. That’s ridiculous. You’re a sweet girl and would never hurt anyone.”
She crossed the room and held my hands. “Please tell me you’ll forgive me.”
“I-I forgive you, Vicki. Really, you don’t have to do this.” I
tried to take my hands back, but she held on tighter.
“I want you to know how amazing I think your work is. I’ve been
in the office more this week looking at your designs, and they are remarkable.
Matt did right hiring you and not waiting for me to get back to business.” She
let go of my hands with a final squeeze. “I have to say, though, he’s still in
the doghouse for that diner.” Vicki gave a teasing smile and checked on dinner
again.
“I told him that I wouldn’t lie for him, so I’m glad he told you
where we met.” I moved over to the island. “Is there anything I can help with?”
“Thank you, but no. We’re all set, just waiting on Matt and Ash
now.” We both turned our heads at the sound of the door closing. “Speak of the
devil.”
Vicki went to greet her family, and I went back into the other
room with my mother. She looked at me with the silent question if Vicki was
going to be okay and I nodded. At least I hoped so.
Dinner was fantastic, and it went smoother than I thought it was
going to. Mom and Vicki talked most of the time while Matt sat and watched as his
wife enjoyed herself. I talked to Ashley mostly. I could tell she was bored
with the adult conversation. If I were honest about it, I was bored, too.
I had seen several photos of Ashley on Vicki’s wall, but the
snapshots didn’t do her justice. She was beautiful even if she kept it hidden
under her tomboy exterior. Her eyes were just as big as Vicki’s, but green like
Matt’s. She fully inherited his megawatt smile, but split the difference in
hair color. I was sure her thick, strawberry blond hair was the envy of all the
girls at school. I know I was jealous.
Ashley was a typical teenager: crushing on boys, loving music,
and constantly wanting to hang out with her friends. She was into playing
sports instead of being a cheerleader or a ballerina as Vicki had tried to get
her into. She preferred jeans to dresses and a ponytail to curls. She owned
several pairs of sneakers, but only one pair of black flats. Ashley said she
wasn’t into makeup yet since she would just sweat it all off anyway. Basketball
was her favorite sport, but she was good at softball and soccer, too.
I laughed when Vicki talked about how she used to love to put
barrettes in Ashley’s hair, and Ashley just wrinkled her nose at the memory. “You
don’t like girly things, do you?” As soon as I asked the question, I got a
strange sense of déjà vu and felt sick to my stomach. I couldn’t quite place
what was happening or why, but suddenly felt a panic attack coming on.
My mother had witnessed them frequently when I was younger and
knew what was happening. “Becca.” She calmly called for me to look at her. “Do
you think you could show me to the bathroom?”
I nodded my head and slowly stood. Trying to keep my breathing
normal so I didn’t freak anyone else out, I walked around the table and let my
mother grab onto my arm as she led me to the bathroom. Once we reached it, she
stepped inside with me and held my face as tears streamed down my cheeks.
“Take your time, baby, but, when you can, I need you to tell me
what happened.” Mom lowered the lid and sat me on the stool. Then she went to
find a washcloth to wipe my face with cool water. It was a good thing I didn’t
wear much make up, either.
My breathing started to return to normal and the tears slowed.
“I’m sorry.”
My mother sat next to me on the edge of the bathtub and held my
hands. “Shh. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Can you tell me what
happened?”
“I was just talking to Ashley and it just hit me. I really don’t
know what happened.”
“What were you talking about?”
“Nothing special. We were just talking about how she doesn’t want
girly things.”
There was a knock at the door. “Can I get you anything?” Vicki
sounded upset, and I cursed myself for ruining her dinner.
Mom just looked at me, and I nodded that she could let her in.
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, she’s just as nuts as I am. Might as well share the love.”
“You are not crazy. Knock that off.” Mom opened the door and let
Vicki in. “I’m sorry I’ve taken her from your dinner.”
“Mom, don’t.” Vicki looked at me and the concern in her eyes
caused me to look away. “It was just a little panic attack, but I’ll be fine.”
“Okay.” Vicki looked from me to my mom a couple of times. “Was it
something I said?”
“No.” Mom and I answered at the same time.
“We aren’t quite sure what triggers them.” Mom continued for me.
“It’s been a long time since she’s had one.” She looked at me. “It has been a
long time, right?”
“Yes, I would have told you.” I stood up. “Can we please get back
out there and forget about this?”
“I’m not sure forgetting about it is the best thing.” Vicki
crossed her arms and seemed to be set on making me stay in the bathroom. “But I
will understand if you’d like to talk about it later at home with Hillary in
private.” Vicki looked at my mother.
“I agree. We’ll talk about it later.” Mom looked at me to let me
know we would be talking about it at home before walking out with Vicki.
Mom insisted on driving home. She stopped drinking after my panic
attack and only had coffee through dessert. Matt had sent Ashley upstairs to
finish her homework before I came out, and I felt grateful and guilty all at
the same time. I didn’t want her to see me like that, but I didn’t want her to
miss out on dessert, either. Matt and Vicki both assured me she wouldn’t miss
out on anything and it was a common practice—homework before dessert.
They each tried only once to get me to talk about what
happened—Vicki in the bathroom and Matt before dessert. They both respected my
decision to not discuss it and moved the conversation back to more basic
discussions as we had at dinner. I couldn’t believe we had talked for another
hour.
It wasn’t surprising that we didn’t say much on the way home. I
had expected my mother to berate me with questions once we were secure in the
privacy of my apartment, but she didn’t. After we both got into our pajamas and
ready for bed, I couldn’t take it anymore. I stood and stared at her with my
arms crossed. “Out with it.”
“I’m not arguing about this, Becca.” Even though it was my
apartment and she was my guest, she still had to make up the sofa for me as if I
were sleeping on hers. Apparently I couldn’t do it on my own. She smoothed the
sheet with her hand one final time and looked at me. “The decision has already
been made.”
“What decision? I should at least know what it is.” I uncrossed
my arms to put my hands on my hips in a stance that told her I was waiting and
it hit me. “You’re stopping the search.” I covered my face with my hands before
my second round of crying for the night started. “You can’t stop me from
searching.”
She sighed heavily before reaching out to me and wrapping her
arms around me. “I’m not stopping the search. I’m just leaving you out of it.”
I looked up. “What?”
She brushed the hair away from my face. “You said that was your
first panic attack, but how many dreams have you had?”
I looked away and she gripped my chin, making me look at her. “I
can handle it.”
“I know you can.” She let go of my chin, but stayed in front of
me. “You just concentrate on your job and let me search for you. I’ll come out
a few times a month and do the physical records’ search when the online
searches and phone calls give me a lead. I will find them for you, but I need
you to concentrate on you.” She kissed my cheek and walked away.
“I can’t let you do that.” I followed her into my bedroom.
“You can and you will.” She held up her hand. “This is taking a
toll on you. I’ve seen it and I don’t like it. You are not to worry about this
anymore.” She got in full-on mom mode. “Is that understood?”
If I were younger or if this were a true disciplinary action, I
wouldn’t have said anything and just nodded my head. Since this was about me
and for me, I wanted to make my point just as clear. “Only if you promise to
tell me what you find. I don’t want anything hidden from me.”
“Becca, I’ll never lie to you.”
“No, but you’d keep it from me if it was bad. I need to know, Mom.
All of it.”
She came over and hugged me before I started crying again. “I
promise. Now get some sleep. I want to get some fun in before I leave tomorrow.”
I didn’t want her last night here to be spent fighting, so I
reluctantly went back out to the sofa. I wasn’t sure why I was worried about
her taking over the search. She’d always been honest with me. I crawled under
the covers and tried to do what she said—stop worrying about it.
Once my mother had gone back home, life as I knew it
resumed as if I’d never missed that week at work. I went back to the crazy
schedule and demands as new products or clients were presented to us. I dreaded
coming back, thinking I would have piles of ideas to sketch out from meetings I
didn’t attend. To my surprise, I had sketches waiting for me to work from and
not just scribbled notes or doodles as I had received in the past. No one would
confess to the sketches, and I wondered why anyone would hide that talent.
The one thing I did look forward to when coming back was the
workouts I would meet Ryan for. I didn’t realize how much I’d missed them until
my mom had come and I couldn’t get up to go. I could have, but she would have
read way more into it than just two friends working out. When my alarm went off
the first day back, I groaned. Sleeping in was nice that week, but once I was fully
awake and realized what I was getting up so early for, I couldn’t get out of
bed fast enough.
Besides, I needed to get caught up on the changes at work. I had
Stacy to catch me up on the office gossip, but Ryan helped catch me up on the actual
facts that I had missed. Plus, we’d gotten to know each other better, and I
loved hearing his stories about the kids at the group home.
I had gotten up extra early today to try to beat Ryan to the gym.
He always got there before me and wouldn’t tell me when he started. What I
didn’t expect when I walked in early was to see the office lined with copies of
my sketch of Ryan. It was the sketch I did in that boring meeting that I
wouldn’t show Wade and had set him off. I finished it that day to help calm my
nerves after the argument with Wade and the awkward way I met Vicki. There
wasn’t any way I could concentrate on work after what Matt had said about how grief
stricken Vicki was. I never showed anyone that sketch, and I put it away in my
office.
Copies of the sketch wallpapered every inch of the hallway
leading to my department. It looked as if he were running for office or
something. I couldn’t believe that someone had done that. Someone had gone through
my things and made hundreds if not thousands of copies.
How much time would it have taken someone to tape all this up?
Oh, God. Please let it be tape. How much time would it take for me to get it
all down? I dropped my bag and started ripping the papers off the wall. I
couldn’t reach the top two rows and started crying when jumping to grab them
failed.
I dropped the torn papers I had in my hands and covered my face
in defeat. I would never get this cleared before everyone came in. What would they
think? They would all know it was one of my sketches. What would Ryan think? I
shook my head. “It’s just a sketch. It doesn’t mean anything.”
I felt someone come up behind me, and I stilled as I felt hands
on my waist. I was lifted in the air, and I was about to protest until I
realized I could reach the top two rows. I looked down as I was set on his
shoulder and saw Ryan looking up at me. “Don’t cry. We’ll clean it up.” Unable
to form words, I just nodded and looked back up at the task at hand.
It took all of our workout time, but we managed to clean it up
before anyone else came in. With Ryan removing the papers on the lower level, I
took care of the upper level from his shoulders. I wanted to just throw them
away and get as far away from the sketches as possible, but Ryan thought it
would be better to shred them so no one would ever find them. He also suggested
I take the original home if it was still in my office. I felt embarrassed and
violated that someone would go through my things. I tried to remember what else
I had sketched. I would need to look as soon as I could.
I knew Ryan was trying to make light of it and get me to smile,
but it just wasn’t happening. No matter how many references he made to
shredding his own face, complaining about a splitting headache right before
shredding another copy, or saying he liked the angle better when he picked up
one sketch upside down, I never could crack a smile for him. We took one last
look around after we had shred all the pages, and he was confident we’d gotten
them all.
Ryan insisted on walking me back to my office and had picked up
the bag I dropped along the way. It was hard to make eye contact with him after
I realized he now knew that I drew him. I knew he was my friend, and he seemed
to be handling it pretty well that his face was plastered all over the office,
but I still couldn’t look at him. I just wanted him to leave so I could check
on my other personal sketches.