Authors: Thomas Hoobler
Jan 11
This is the book of Caleb. If ennyone reeds it, let them no that in hear, Caleb tryed to make sens of his life. And deth.
The univers is bilions of years old, Mr. Nosker says. He red it in a book, like everything else he nose. Who realy nose? Maybee the book is lyeing. But suppose its true. How many peepol have lived in all that time? Then what does enny one persons life cownt for?
Gram is ded. Gram is ded. Grammmm issss dedddd.
She cownts for me. She was the only won who told me I was enny good.
There was a women in France who lived to be 124 yers old. That's the longest ennyone has ever lived. They say. Who really nose?
Gram was 84. But her hussband died at 53. My granfather. I never knew him. Gram sed I looked like him. She lived without him for 31 years, but what diference does it make? Now they're both ded.
Reallisticaly, I might live to be 80 or 90 years if I was lucky. But maybee I won't be.
Think of all the things that might hapen to me so that I wouldnt even live that long. Get run over by a car. Burnt to death in a fire. Cut myself accidently and bleed to death. A hair dryer falls in the bathtub and illektrokutes me. Get a cramp while swiming and droun. Huricanes. Erthqakes. And thats not counting disseases. I herd about a kid in this town who died of lukeymmia, and he was only elevven. Ennything could kill me. At enny moment.
So the point isâ¦what? I rember now. There are bilions of years before I was alive. Then 70 or 80 or 100 years when I'm alive and then bilions of yearsâforevverâwhen I wont xist enny longer. So realy, whats the point? I get a sick feeling that makes me dissy when I think about that.
Gram is ded. What else maters to her? Nothing. Nothing.
I have to stop now.
Jan 14
I started this book becaz I thoht if I culd rite down the rite questions, I would think of the ansers. But maybee I dont want to know the ansers. What good will they do me?
The only thing is, riteing in the book makes me feel that Im in control. Kids are never realy in control of very much in their lifes. Untill your in high scool, your in control of nothing, realy. Your parents are always huvvering over you to make sure you dont do ennything dangerrous. Then you get to move arownd a litle and do things they might think are dangerrous.
Dangerrous meaning ennything your parents wouldnt like. But you still have to basicaly do what they want. Stay out of truble. Get good grads. Get into colege. Hav lots of frends. Hahaha.
Ill never get into colege. Evrybody nose that. Xcept my parents. Maybee a comunity colege, but who wants to be ther?
The last time, I was riteing about being ded and it made me feel sick. When I thot about it some more, I realized that it wasnt just the idea of being ded. I mean, evrybody is goying to dye, arnt they? And if you dont xcept that as a fact, then you're just crazy in daniel.
What made me feel sick was noing that I would be ded forevver. For the bilions of years that the univers would go on xisting. For so long that it would be just the same as if I never xisted at all. So it realy doesnt mater if you live 15 years or a hunderd. I could dye today, and it wouldnt make enny diference in the long run.
How bad could deth be? Your alyve, and bang, your ded. Of course, there are a milion disseases that mite make you sufer. Canser. Everybody's afraid of canser. The way I see it, if you get canser, you should just toss yourself off a brige or find some paneless way to dye. That way, you wont suffer. You just have to xcept it. You have to have the guts.
But what if you went to hell?
Jan 15
Before Gram dyed I asked her if she beleeved in hell. She sed no. Becaz God loved all the creetures He maid. So thair must be heven but not hell. She sed go luk at the angel that is over her mother's graiv. It says A falen angell may ries agan. That meens that altho the person who lyes here was a siner, she will rise on the last day and go to heven.
Is that going to hapen to everbody, I asked Gram. Even the peepol at scool who maik fun of me? She sayd yes, but they wuld be nycer in heven.
I wunder.
Jan 17
I decyded to try to rite about sumthing else today. Not deth. What's the oppossite of deth? Life, rite? I mean, if you manaj to do sumthing in your life that makes you feel good, is that enuf?
And even if it is, you stil have the problem of what makes you feel good. My parrents are big on church. Relijon. God. They drag me there every Sunday, made me get baptised, confirmmed, and I didnt have enything to say abowt it. You sit there and lissen to the sermin and wait for God to enter your hart. I've been going for all fifteen years Ive been alyv, and I never felt God enter my hart.
Does that mean Im a bad person?
But didnt God make me? Isnt that what they say? Then why doesnt he want to speek to me? You know what I think? I dont think he speeks to ennybody. I just think peepol who claim he does are pretennding. Because if God speeks to them, that makes them sumhow beter than the rest of us. I think if peepol were onnest theyd admit it. He doesnt speek to enybody.
But maybe its just me he isnt speeking to.
Why not?
Jan 18
Before Gram dyed, I was reeding her a book called Look Hoamword Angell. She sayd it was her favorrit book. I think she new she wuldnt live to here me finnish it, becaz its long. So she made me prommise to finnish it on my own. I didnt mind reeding it alowd to her, becaz I didnt have to undersstand what I was reeding. But when I reed it to miself, I get all confuzed.
But I prommised her.
Jan 20
My parrents, espeshly my muther, want me to be poppuler. What a joak, rite? Letts face it. Peepol avoyd me lyke I had a disseaze. A disseaze you culd katch. I no what that disseaze is. Ive allways had it.
Thers only won kid at scool who I can say is my frend. I brot him home one time and insted of beeing glad, my muther told me she diddnt want me to asosiate with peepol lyke him. Just becaz his fammily livs in a traylor. Shes a snobb.
Dum too, becaz she told me I culd mayk frends if I had a parrty. What a joak. Id be siting ther with all this cayk and ise creem and noboddy to shair it with. She sayd shed invit my frends as a surprys. Shed be the won who was surpryssed.
Jan 21
My parrents wuldnt try to berry Gram in the cript, wair she wanted to be. They put her in the new semmetary, just a ordinery grayv like enybody else. Not evan a toomstoan, just a mettal playt on the grownd with her name and the yeers.
I told them Gram sed she had a rite to be berryd in the cript, wair the rest of the Crapers were. But they told me noboddy ever beleeved that story. They sed Gram had maid it up becaz she grue up in an orfenaje.
That's a lye. I no it.
Jan 24
I road my byke to the old semmetary today. I looked at the angell over Sally Dennis grayv. It had a byutifull face. Gram sed the angell was payd for by the guy who maid her preggnat. That was Gram's father. My grate-granfather. I went over to the cript wair his boddy is. I trased his name on the stone with my fingerrs. It was cold, and I shivvered.
I wanted to brake open the stone cofin and drag his boddy out. But its probly nuthing but boans now. And I culdnt hert him. Hes ded.
Noboddy can hert you when your ded.
Jan 26
Im stil tryng to reed the book I prommised Gram Id reed. The bich librain wants it back becaz its overdew. I told her I was stil reeding it, but she didnt cair. She cairs mor abowt the books than abowt the stoodents.
It's a hard book. I think there must be some mesaje in it that Gram wanted me to lern. So I have to be kairful not to miss it. I reed it for almost an our evvery nite.
This girl at scool was reeding the same book I am. Shes reel prety even thou she hasnt got much up frunt. I wish I had the nerv to talk to her. We could disscus the buk.
I bet she wuldnt do it. Shes realy smart and probly nos Im dum. She wuldnt want to talk abowt a book with me.
Jan 27
I was thinking abowt sexx. Maybee becuz I had bin luking at that girl at scool. I liked her hare. It was red. She probly has red hair down on her pusy to. Thinking abowt that gave me a hardone. I got to be kairfull not to get wun in scool. Theyd mayk funn of me.
Evrybody thinks abowt sexx, dont they? Your not suposed to tho. Even my parrents probly think abowt it. Buit they wouldn't dreme of telling me what kind of sexx they think about.
Why not? I gess your not supozed to think of your parrents havving sexx. I just tryed to, and its trew. I didn't lyke to think abowt it. It didnt even give me a hardone.
Its not lyke they are duing enything rong. It's alrite to have sexx, as long as your marryed. Before then, its a sin, a teribble thing. Why is it bad wun day and good the next?
In Sunday scool, the teecher warns us about giving in to our immpulses. He meens sexx. Why duzent he say so?
Jan 28
If you listen to peepol at school, at leest haf of them, the boys enyway, claym theyv allready had sexx. Maybee sum have. Maybee their lyeing. How wuld I no? I think enybody who has the chants to have sexx probaly duz it.
That woldnt aply to girls. They can be choosey, becaz enny boy wuld have sexx if you let him. So that gives girls a big addvantaje. They can have sexx enytime they want.
But onley sum of them due. Why? Becuz they get preggnat? They dont have to. They just have to mayk sure the boy uses a condum.
Probly they dont lyke it as much as boys. So you have to perswayd them. Bring them stuf lyk candy. Tayk them to the movvies or bye them diner. Its kind of lyke a brybe wen you think abowt it.
Jan 30
I thot abowt what I rote last time and relized that thair are sum girls who never have sexx. Uggly girls. Nobuddy wants to have sexx with them.
Dona Hendriks was wun I was sure about. Ever since we were in grayd scool, evrybody knew that Dona was the pig of the class. There are more girls in the high scool, but Dona is still the class scagg. But you know what they say. They all look alyke in the dark. I figgered that having sexx with her wouldnt feel enny diferent than with eny other girl. If I clozed my eis, I culd immajin she was enybody. Even the red-hared girl.
So I kind of wayted untill I culd get her alone. I maid a plan. She was the last one at her tabel to finnish luntch, and I just kind of cashuly went over and sat down. You no, it was obvyus why shes so fat. She had actualy scrounjed the leftovvers from the treys of the other girls at the tabel and was finnishing them off. When I sat down, she kind of drew her trey a littel closer, like she was woried I was going to take sum of the food.
I just kind of smyled, to reashur her. Food wasnt what I was affter. I saw her relaxx, but she still looked at me funny. She was wonderring if it wasnt food, what was I thair for?
Even though I had rehersed what I was goyng to say, I felt nervus. Isnt that dum? Why should enybody feel nervus arownd a girl like Dona? So enyway, I finally just caym owt and sed it. Wuld you lyk to have sexx?
She didnt get it at first. She just gave me a funy look. I could see she thot this was lyk a hipothettical question. As if I was talking about sexx in genral, was it a good idea and that stuf.
She ate sum mor. A half an aple ternover. Then she sed What do you cair? Lyke her fielings were hert.
I tried to make it a litel kleerer. I mean, without actuly drawing a pitcher of the two of us having sexx. I meen sexx with me, I told her. You wanna have sexx? With me?
She blinked, and then she kept blinking, like sumthing had goten into her ayes. But I culd tel she was working hersellf up to say sumthing. It wasnt going to be a yes, I culd tel. Her fayce started to get red and the blinking kept going on and on.
You? she finely sed. I can heer the way she sed it, rite now. It mayks me sik to my stummak. I got the iddea that she didnt think my chances of having sexx were eny better than hers. See what I meen? Girls realy do have it beter.
Sex with you? she sed, a litel lowder this time. I luked arownd to see if ennybody culd heer.
I tryed to explayn, wich was a big mistayk. I shuld just have goten up and left her with the treys of food, which she wuld imeediyately have dug into. It's yuseles to explayn ennything to sumboddy whos just dumm.
It wuld be a way for you to fynd owt what its lyke, I sed. Now to me, that's just reesonnable. I mean, I figgered *I* wuld have a good time, having sexx, but I was trying to mayk the poynt that it wasnt going to be all wun syded.
She didnt see it that way. You're just a wurm, you now that? she sed. A retarrdid wurm. She tuck a deep breth and sed I bet your dik luks like a wurm. I bet its just lyke a tyny littel wigly pink worm.
She went on like that so I got up and left her allown with the treys. She doesnt no what my dik looks like, and nevver will. Ive been in a boys loker room and seen other diks, and mine may not be the worlds bigest, but so what? It's not the smalest, eether. Donas probaly nevver seen an aktuel dik in her life, xcept if she found wun on the Interrnet. But not in reel lyfe.
And she nevver will.
Jan 31
Talking with Dona made me pisst off for the hole day. Even tho I didnt kair what she sayd. I didnt hear ennything that the teecher sed in eny of my affternoon clases, not that it matered. Wurld hisstory, probaly all lyes. Math, who neads it if you have a calcyullator? American littercher, blah blah blah. I kept thinking about tieing Donna face down, striped nayked, and what Id do to her fat ass. I started to get a hardone in Mr. Greggoryos math class, probably the only time in hisstory that ever hapened to enybody.
But after the last clas I went to my loker, and I saw Dona again. She was talking to sum other girls and they were looking at me. Laffing. And I new what shed dun. Shed told them that I was sutch a dork, so dessprate for sexx that I had to ask the bigest scagg in the scool for it. For pitty sexx.
I wanted to kill her. I dont no why I didnt.