Colour Series Box Set (112 page)

The sun has set and the night air is cooler, we all settle around the large wooden table. Robin goes back in and returns with two bottles of wine and glasses from the kitchen, as if he has lived here before. I feel like the outsider in this situation. I wonder if I will ever be a part of her life, I want to be in all aspects of her life. I blink my eyes closed and pinch the bridge of my nose as my mind is filled with the images of her and Harmon from earlier and I fight the need to puke. Forgiving her is not going to be easy and I am not sure I want to, I don’t think us is an option any longer. I can’t see her leaving all of this behind, even if she does it will follow her, it’s in her blood. She was born to be the queen of this kingdom, and as much as it pains me I almost see rational in Callum’s sick plan. They would make the most formidable criminal team in history, maybe I shouldn’t have stepped in, maybe he did know what was best.

Shaking off the insane thoughts that are permeating my brain, I look up to see her looking at me, begging me with her eyes to just give her an answer. I don’t have one to give, my heart is undecided about her now. I shake my head and look away.

“What’s going on, Avery?” Amya urges her to start talking. She looks concerned.

“I tried. I did. I just can’t.” Avery stammers back, her eyes on me as she tries to tell them that she is going to essentially throw them under the bus to get out of this mess.

“You can’t what?” I detect some annoyance in Amya’s voice. “This is not my mess, Avery. I walked away from my family twenty-odd years ago for a reason. I’m not a part of anything my stupid brothers concocted. I have helped you where I can.” She is scolding her like a child and it gets my hackles up.

“Amya, if I may. I have met with Baldini, I’m helping him so to say. He’s willing to take O’Reilly International off of you directly. This would allow Avery to get rid of Harmon and be free of all this, just like you are.” She looks at me considering what I have said, but I see the darkness and anger bubbling up inside her.

“You want me to give the family business to the brother of the man that destroyed our lives, then you want me to be okay with her killing my only living relative so she can be free of something that was born into her.” She reaches out to Avery’s shirt and exposes the huge black heart on her chest and then shows the same thing on hers, “Mathew, you know how I know she will never be free. You know who told here about black hole children when she was an infant with no mother? There is no freedom for us.” She just reiterates what I had feared, this cycle cannot be broken.

“So, in short no. I helped her put together a plan that secures the company for the Italian without it ever having to be mine at all. As for killing my brother, Avery killed every other person she took to bed directly or indirectly so I don’t see how he, or you will escape her demons alive.” The bitterness in this woman now almost has me speechless. She will never help, I was wrong to think she was on Avery’s side and that she cared. She cannot care because just like Rowan, Callum and everyone else in this family she has no feelings.

I watch as Avery tries to keep her crying quiet in the corner, I look at her and I wish I had the same hope I saw before. I don’t think it’s worth saving her, this is her, she’s like them.

She turns to Avery, her eyes are filled with anger and bitter rage. “I told you young lady, this is not my problem and I refuse to be the solution. I helped you. Suck it up and deal with Harmon. It’s another nine months, it won’t fucking kill you.” She pushes her chair back and stands up, shooting Robin a glare, I have never met such a silent man. Not a word comes out of his mouth. As she walks away from the table, he looks at Avery where she sits defeated and falling to pieces and he shakes his head, he is sorry for her. Not sorry enough to say anything though. As Amya stomps off to the front door Robin rounds the table and bends down to where my love is broken, he puts an arm around her shoulder and leans against her, like he loved her once. “Kill the bastard. I will deal with the wrath of Amya. You go be free, you deserve it and I know your mother would not have wanted this for you. I helped her forget her pain and I’m telling you, let go of yours and forget about my wife. She is bitter, angry and life was cruel to her.” He kisses the top of her head, stands and reaches over to shake my hand offering me a nod before he follows his wife out of the house.

I love Avery but I am not sure the love of one person can save someone who has no other love in their life, I worry that loving her will destroy me and that there will be nothing left of either of us. I should never have come back to this place the day of that funeral. I made a terrible mistake loving her.

Some do not understand that we must die,

but those who realise this settle their quarrels.

CHOICES. SOMETHING I NEVER
considered before in my life. I made them without considering consequence. I did whatever I wanted and never looked back, I never allowed myself to feel the pain of the things I did. Then he came and made me understand that my actions affected everyone and while I could switch the feelings off the other people that my knife sliced through were not spared the agony. Now I need saving from the pain, I need to be considered and Amya just walked away and left me with the choice, if I do what I need to save myself then I will hurt her. Her actions have shown me that in this world no one cares about my feelings they simply expect me not to have any. My heart is shredded and I feel that even though he left, Mathew was mine until today, when he saw me with Harmon I broke the thread that tied us together. Now I need to choose, if I choose him and kill Harmon, I leave everything that ties me to my family behind and there’s a chance that he will still be gone because I hurt him. If I set him free, then I choose Harmon. Then I need to embrace the idea that Callum had in his sick mind that this family needed to be joined and an heir to carry on the future of our madness was the way. I need to stop dreaming of killing the idiot and try to feel something other than loathing for him, I would have to seek out the connection that he has already created in his sick mind. Maybe monsters belong with monsters and I should just tell Mathew to stay away before I destroy him too, I will kill him slowly or swiftly being near me is a death sentence.

He left me sitting here to consider things hours ago, only now I wish I had tried to stop him.

“You need to decide and so do I, Avery. I can’t promise you that I will come back. I’m afraid to love you because you have already hurt me and I cannot stay to be destroyed by toxic love. Think about your life, you need to follow that heart. You told me you were a black hole, well you sucked me in, consumed me and made me lose myself in you now I need to try and fix that. Bye, my angel.” He kissed my lips softly and left. The electric spark of our past kisses absent now.

The house is empty and dark, I haven’t bothered with lights. I just sit in the blackness and consider how true it is. My father once said to me that he would rather raise me to be a monster than allow the monsters to eat me alive. I was too young then to understand what he meant, but as I sit next to his blood stain on the bed I think I finally get it now. I was waiting for a saviour, waiting for Mathew to fix me, fix my life when I am the only person who has that power. No one can save me except myself. In making me the villain my father left me open to be eaten alive by my own monsters, he failed me in so many ways. I lie in the spot where he died because Harmon lied, we all know that Callum murdered Renzo, it was like a campfire story to us all. He was the big bad wolf and Callum was the unsung hero that came and killed him, it was meant to set my father free but nothing could break the bond he had with my mother. When I think about it they were straight out of a Shakespeare novel, his love stories were labeled tragedies for a reason, because real love destroys you.

Now I’m here, alone and there’s nothing but silence surrounding me. Silence and the sadness that when I needed them most, my family was gone and I was left behind. My mother’s letters spoke of following my heart and finding my place in the world, I don’t think I have one. Jameson nudges me with his wet nose, he is also sad that Mathew left again. He whines a little and I realise I haven’t fed the poor dog yet and it’s way most past his dinner time. Sliding off the end of the bed, I walk through the dark house to the kitchen, I drop his metal bowl and the clang echo in the emptiness. Flicking on a light as I got to the pantry to get his food out, the empty kitchen glows and my eyes adjust to the light.

“Here you go, silly boy.” I pet Jameson’s head as he patiently sits for his dinner, he’s now the one constant in my life. There when I wake and there when I sleep every single day. No person has ever had that presence in my life and the true solitude of my existence surrounds me. I’m always going to be alone.

I STROLL BACK DOWN
to the graveyard just before dawn, I miss the swing and the tree from when I was young. I miss sitting here watching my dad cry for her. Now the row of headstones has gotten longer, Mick, my Mom, Eiran and Callum are all here. A nauseating anger turns my stomach as I look at them all resting peacefully in a line while I struggle with the torment they all left behind. I stand over Callum and I cannot help but scream at him.

“I idolised you, I trusted you, I did everything in this fucking world to please you and for what? You lied! You used me!” I spit on his grave the fury in me escaping now. “You never cared further than some sick plan you had conjured up in your demented mind. No wonder she killed you! I want to kill you only you are already dead. I hate you now, I hope you know that. I fucking hate you.”

I rest against his headstone so he can hear this bit clearly. “I’m going to destroy your little empire, Callum, I’m going to give it away. I don’t want to be the queen and your brother will be the last prince in your fairytale because I am going to gut him.” The words are a whispered hiss before I stand and move to Eiran.

“You shouldn’t be here, but I loved you despite the monster you were. I let you take from me and I took from you. So this grave is our truce.” His grave is not elaborate it has only his first name on it. I kiss my hand and touch the top of it as I walk over to where my parents are buried beside one another.

I cannot find words for them, so I sit between them and cry. I cry for the mom I never had and the father that was lost to grief before he could love me. I cry because I’m a killer and because I know that will always be inside me. The sobbing doesn’t stop, every heartache and fear I was never allowed to feel is coming to live in between them and I’m letting it all go so that I can be free. Next time I visit this place, I want it to be with a peaceful heart, I don’t want to come here hating them again. When the sun appears over the hilltop I get up and dust the sand off my pants, Jameson is at my heels waiting to follow me wherever I go. I love waking the path through the vines to the house, it’s like an enchanted world where nothing else exists for the time you are in there. I pick a grape and bite it, but spit the sour globe back out. Thankfully our wines taste better than the grapes that was awful. Jameson is quick to lick it up, he has no tastebuds at all. When I open the gate to the house, I’m met with Harmon leaning on his car nattering to someone on the phone. His face is pulled tight with agitation and he glares at me like I just killed his kitten. That glare just made my choices that much easier. I ignore him and unlock the front door allowing Jameson to barrel in without knocking me off my feet before I walk inside my home. Harmon isn’t far behind me still whining on the phone to someone, I go to the kitchen and put the coffee machine on.

“Where the fuck have you been? I have been calling you half the damn night woman?” He booms at me as he hangs up his phone call. “There was shit to deal with, Avery. People get pissed when you aren’t available.”

“People, or you, Harmon? I was busy, I had things to deal with that were my business and not yours.” I seethe back at him. “Well it is still my four days of the month so since I thought you were dead and I drove all this damn way let’s fuck then I’ll drive us to work.” It is like a gunshot goes off inside my head, the noise of his intrusion on my life is deafening, blinding and drives me to the pinnacle of my own madness. There was a good reason the O’Reilly family was all dead, they are a plague and I am going to eradicate them. I stand dead still with my coffee in my hand and just look at him, he is perfect on the outside the ideal trap for anyone who gets close. He would make a handsome husband and I bet his babies would be pretty if I let him live to have any, but I won’t. I’m not fooled by conventional beauty, nor am I lured by money. I have my own money and I do not need a man. My life is testament to succeeding alone, I have learned a lesson from Callum and Shannon—two monsters cannot be together. My parents taught me the same lesson, it is impossible for them not to destroy each other. I will not be destroyed for this dick, when I let love destroy me it will be with someone worth spilling my blood for, because love is sacrifice. I was never going to love this man, we were a nuclear explosion waiting to happen.