Cold Deception (His Agenda 4): Prequel to the His Agenda Series (7 page)

“Don’t worry about me,” he said. “I want to be here with you.” He led her to the bedroom he used to share with Marion. The bunk beds were just as he remembered. He used to have the lower bunk. It had been his legal home, the little corner he could escape to when things got rough. That had been often. As he sat on it now, on the faded blue-and-white striped covers, he glanced around the room. The desk where he used to do his homework. The window where he used to look out at the world, where he watched other families, wishing he belonged to them.

His gaze landed on a spot on the old rug where his father had once smashed his head and kicked him until he bled. He moved toward it and rolled it up. It had to go. All the memories. All the blood.

The rest of the tour was brief. He showed Lacey the master bedroom, the storage, and a few other places. They skipped the basement, the one place he wasn’t prepared to enter.

Inside the car he kissed his wife. “Thank you for being you.” He smiled broadly. “Told you you won’t need a job. That house is going to keep you busy for weeks, if not months.”

Lacey’s smile faltered.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yes. It’s just… I
do
want to work one day, once we have renovated the place and started a new life.”

“I don’t know why you would want to do that.” A muscle in Terence’s jaw twitched. “Why don’t you let me take care of us, let me take care of you?”

“It’s not just for the money, Terence. I think working will be good for me. It’s something I’ll enjoy.”

“Building a life for us will be so much fun that you won’t feel like you’re missing out on anything. Let’s not discuss this again.” Terence switched on the radio.

Lacey leaned over and turned down the volume. “Terence, I know you feel strongly about this, and I’m not looking for a fight, but I
will
bring it up again. I won’t stop wanting to find a job. After I finish with the renovations, I want to work.” She cranked up the volume again.

Blood raced through Terence’s veins like hot lava. He was too angry to speak, so he stared straight ahead, focusing on driving and breathing.

Chapter Fifteen

Lacey

A month after they exchanged vows, Terence and Lacey moved into Terence’s childhood home. He hadn’t wanted to see the house during the renovations. Lacey understood, because she knew his pain. That house had both built and destroyed him. But he’d been there to help her sell the old furniture and pick out new pieces at garage sales and thrift shops, but he wouldn’t go inside. The day they moved in, Terence paced outside in the yard for fifteen minutes before he gathered the courage to enter.

But when he stepped into their new home, she detected surprise in his features. The house was almost unrecognizable. Everything but the sage green paint on the walls had changed. The old, tasteless furniture had been replaced with new pieces that gave the whole place a country home feel. Lacey had put great focus into arranging the overstuffed couches and rustic tables and chairs in a way that made the place feel cozy. Jugs and metal pails filled with flowers completed the look. Even the thick, musty smell had been replaced by lavender and cypress.

She wanted him to feel as safe in their new home as he was in her arms.

Despite the changes, the first few nights were brutal for Terence. But with a touch, smile, or kiss, Lacey did her best to render his fears powerless, to dull his pain, even for a moment.

Now, five weeks after they’d moved in, they sat at their kitchen table, eating breakfast, like the normal family Lacey had always wanted. Soft classical music played on the kitchen radio, the soundtrack of their new lives.

She bit into her French toast and watched her husband drink his coffee while reading the
Serendipity Daily
.

She glanced at the Roman numeral clock above the door: 7 a.m. Terence would leave for work in about ten minutes. But she had to tell him her news before he walked out the door. She had been hiding it from him for three days now. Even though she didn’t know how to feel about it quite yet, he had the right to know.

She lowered her sandwich and parted her lips, her heart racing. “Baby,” she whispered. “I’m… I’m pregnant.”

The newspaper crashed onto the table and he jumped to his feet as if there were thorns on his chair. His expression showed a mix of excitement and fear. For a while he stood there, his eyes changing from one darker shade of blue to the next.

She got to her feet too and went to him, taking his hand in hers. “I don’t know how this happened. I’ve been taking the pill.”

She had feared this moment, and his reaction. The night before their wedding, they had talked about having kids, and Terence had said in no uncertain terms that he didn’t want to be a father. He didn’t want his child to enter a world that was so cruel to children. She had been disappointed. Nothing would have made her happier than having his children, creating something perfect out of their love.

After the wedding, she had tried to talk him into changing his mind, pointing out cute babies on the street or tiny clothes through shop windows, but he’d looked away each time, unmovable.

A tear trickled down her cheek. “I love you, Terence. I want to keep this baby. Our baby. I think you will make a great dad. You don’t have to be afraid.”

To her surprise, he pulled her close, and knelt down, pressed his face into her stomach, his shoulders shaking. She placed both her hands on his head and soothed him the best she could. She was afraid too—afraid this could break them just as their future together got off the ground.

When he looked up, his eyes were wet. “Are you feeling okay?”

She nodded as the tears slid down her cheeks. “I’m so happy. I want this baby so much. I want to have your baby.”

He rose and placed his hands on both sides of her face. “Then I can’t take that away from you. I want you to stay happy.”

“You mean it? You’re okay with this?”

He nodded. “I’ll learn to be.”

Chapter Sixteen

Terence

During Lacey’s pregnancy, Terence struggled to come to terms with the fact that he was going to be a father. But to keep Lacey happy, he carefully hid his fears. In addition to his car repair job, he took a second job at Dudley Repairs & Plumbing. He did all the right things. He went out to shop for clothes and baby supplies, he took care of Lacey, and he forced a smile when she showed him the sonograms.

But today, a week before Lacey’s due date, he was driving home when he had a panic attack. Out of desperation he called Marion, even though their relationship was still strained. Half an hour later, they were sitting side by side on Marion’s leather couch, each holding a glass of vodka. Terence couldn’t stand the taste of alcohol, but tonight he needed something strong and numbing to rush through his bloodstream. He wouldn’t get through the night otherwise.

They sat in silence for a long while. Terence’s gaze was fixed on the TV screen, but blind to the tennis match. Several times his phone vibrated inside his pocket. It had to be Lacey asking where he was—it was after 9 p.m. and he should have been home by now—but he couldn’t bring himself to pick up. He couldn’t even look at her name on the screen.

“You didn’t have to cancel your date,” Terence said and raised the glass to his mouth. “I just needed a few minutes to catch my breath. I’ll be out of your way soon.”

Marion shrugged. “You did me a favor. I was kind of looking for an excuse to get out of it.”

“Do you ever have serious relationships?” Terence looked at his brother.

“Nah. Marriage isn’t for me. The thought of sleeping next to the same woman every day for the rest of my life freaks me out.” Marion laughed. “Or maybe I haven’t met the one yet. Not everyone is as lucky as you, you know.”

“Yeah… luck is subjective.” Terence inhaled sharply. “I signed up for a wife. A kid was never part of the plan.”

“You never know. You might find you like being a dad.” Marion put down his glass and ran a hand over his buzz cut. “I don’t understand what your deal is. You have what most men would kill for. A beautiful wife who loves you and a baby on the way.”

Terence was quiet for a long time. “What if I end up like him?” he finally said. “What if I hurt my child the way he hurt me?”

“Isn’t it too late to be thinking like that?”

“Yeah, maybe I should have ended things before they got this far.”

“You mean asked her to abort the child?” A line etched itself between Marion’s brows. “Are you out of your mind?”

“Maybe.” Terence got to his feet and handed his empty glass to Marion. “But you’re right, it’s too late. I better get home. I love my wife, and this is what she wants.”

When Terence let himself into the house, he was surprised to find that Lacey wasn’t home. The house was dark, and there was no smell of food lingering in the air. She always made sure he came back to a home-cooked meal. In the kitchen, he found a note on the table.

Baby on its way. Gone to hospital.

Without a second thought, and with guilt rushing through his veins, Terence burst through the door back into the night.

On his drive to Serendipity Memorial, he swore to himself that he’d be a better man for her. He’d try to be a father to the child. He would learn to care for the child that Lacey might end up loving more than him. He opened his eyes wide. Maybe that was the real fear—that he would have to compete with the baby. But no matter. He loved his wife. She had a way of making him a better man. She would help him become a good father to their son.

He took a deep breath as he turned into the hospital parking lot. History would not repeat itself.

Chapter Seventeen

They wouldn’t allow him to see Lacey right away. Instead he had to wait in a crappy waiting room with the rest of the fathers-to-be. He was the only one without flowers. Guilt gnawed at him and he stared at the clock, feeling shitty. Giving birth was the closest a woman came to walking the line between life and death. As he sat with his eyes closed tightly, his heart began to race. What if his wife didn’t make it? What if the child he did not want ended up taking her life?

To keep himself sane, he got up and went to get himself a coffee. He would stay positive. This was a new beginning, not the end.

The coffee from the machine in the hall tasted like warm piss. He grimaced as he walked back to the waiting room, past wheelchairs and gurneys. He saw the faces of women in pain bursting with joy as they held their newborn babies. How would it feel to hold his son for the first time? He would soon find out. A nurse was calling his name as he reentered the waiting room.

She confirmed that he was Terence Pirone, and asked him to follow her. As soon as he entered Lacey’s room, the nurse left to give them some time alone. Lacey gazed down at their newborn son. Her eyes seemed glued to his face. Terence remained in the doorway for a while, afraid to move forward, to step into the future.

She looked up after a few minutes. Tears made her green eyes sparkle. “Where were you?” She bit her trembling bottom lip. “I tried to call you. I tried to call you but you wouldn’t pick up.”

Terence took a step forward, but she raised her hand. He halted. In the moment that she kept him away from their son, he realized he really wanted to see the baby, to see if he had the same beautiful face as Lacey. But she wouldn’t let him.

“I was at Marion’s place,” he said softly. “I’m sorry.”

She looked away from him and pulled their son close. “I thought I was going to die. I needed you and you weren’t there. You weren’t there, Terence.”

Guilt ripped through Terence’s chest. In that moment he saw himself the way his father had seen him. A coward,
a piece of shit. Nothing. He had hurt the woman he loved more than anything and he didn’t know how to make it better.

“I’m so sorry,” he repeated. “Can I see him, please?”

She nodded and lifted the baby, who was wrapped in a blue blanket. Terence moved forward and took him from her, feeling breathless. He pushed back the blanket a few inches and his heart stopped. He looked at Lacey, but she was looking the other way, at the window.

“He’s sleeping.” Terence lowered himself at the foot of the bed.

“No, he’s not.” Lacey’s voice was thick and wet, painful to hear. “He’s dead. He was stillborn. They said he died a few days ago.” She covered her face with the bed sheet and sobbed, the sound plunging into Terence’s heart like a dagger.

Terence heard the sound of his world shattering. The pain spread from his chest through his whole body.

After he stopped crying, and the nurses took away the baby, Terence watched Lacey sleep. She looked so peaceful, even though her heart was in shreds. He was a mess too. He had not wanted the child, and without wanting to, he had taken their son away from the world. He knew it would take a lot for them to recover from the tragedy. And it would take a while, a long while, for Lacey to find her way back to him.

Chapter Eighteen

Terence climbed behind the wheel, ready to head home. He’d been doing it for two years now. That was how long it took them to get back to normal, and for Terence to stop beating himself up for what he did to Lacey. The time it took for Lacey to surface from the sea of depression, to learn to smile again, to touch him as if she wanted him. It was a new version of normal. He had been there. He had supported her, loved her, and after work, he always went straight home. Only on rare occasions did he stop somewhere else before heading home. She was always there waiting for him.

These days, she waited for him the way she had before their son died. She had a meal ready, and a smile on her face. He was starting to get excited about her being her old self again. He was falling in love with her even more than he had the first time. Last week, longing to see the stars in her eyes shine even brighter, he’d surprised her with her own car—a Volvo he’d convinced George to sell him for almost nothing.