Coffin Island (15 page)

I understood how the wombats felt in
the Great Hall on Coffin Island. Movement was death. Sitting in the
mousetrap was life. Everything was upside down again. What an
alienating affront this particular trap was thought. It was a
beautiful object of art but it was out to kill you. But why would
some creature build a trap like this?

Was witchcraft trying to demonstrate
some uncomfortable truth by having us exchange places with the
dreaded magical creatures of the previous world, the wombats? What
could be the meaning of making us so weak and powerless? We were
also stuck with the unsavory task of greeting ourselves in this
alienating world? Shouldn’t something other than ourselves greet
ourselves in this new world that apparently did not want
us?

“
Crypt Island is troubling,”
I said.

“
Hunting us down is going to
be easy now that we’re hitches,” Madison said.

“
Along with no powers,” I
said. “We don’t have anywhere to hide.”

“
We’re terrified to move on
top of it,” Madison said.

“
We certainly can’t make
ourselves disappear,” I said. “I’ve been willing that since we
arrived here.”

“
Hitches must hide,”
Professor Coffin bellowed. “Humans are cowards. We must ape them.
And ape them we will. Planet of monkeys is what we will
do.”

“
Old Havana in glass is a
ghost town without any ghosts,” I said.

“
Perhaps we’re supposed to
haunt it,” Madison said.

“
That sounds scary to me,”
Professor Coffin said.

“
Why did they build it in
the first place?” Madison asked.

“
Perhaps we’ll haunt it in
the sequel,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Return to the old haunt?”
Madison asked.

“
Isn’t once enough,”
Professor Coffin puffed.

“
Why did they abandon it?” I
asked.

“
Shouldn’t you fill your Old
Havana in glass with something other than emptiness?” Madison
asked.

“Does nothingness count for anything at
all?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
Is this a cursed city of
glass?” Madison asked.

“
Or is this a benign magical
hallucination to quietly tiptoe around like a prowler in the
night?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
What sort of haunt are we
looking at, gentlemen?” Madison asked.

“
We’re too terrified to move
now that we are humans,” I said.

“
It feels like we have
invisible chains anchoring us here to the shore too,” Madison
said.

The shackles had disappeared. If
they’re going to be magical shackles then they might as well
disappear at some point.

“
That’s just the invisible
leash,” Professor Coffin explained. “You’ll get used to that.
You’ll miss it when it is gone. Savor that invisible
leash.”

“
What do you want to do when
the upper class witches come for us?” I asked.

“
Do you think that they even
exist?” Madison asked.

“
Actually I don’t,” I said.
“I just don’t know what to call what is coming for us.”

“
No Thing is coming for us,”
Professor Coffin declared. “No Thing is very scary. You don’t fool
with No Thing because he is no thing.”

“
What do you want to do
about No Thing?” I asked.

“
I’m powerless and
terrified,” Madison laughed. “I’m somehow chained to this spot with
an invisible leash. But I’m not giving up without a bloody
battle.”

“
You can fight No Thing bare
knuckled,” Professor Coffin suggested.

Professor Coffin demonstrated some of
his old fashioned boxing techniques.

“
I used to spare with a lady
kangaroo,” Professor Coffin said. “She had a baby in her pouch.
That Joey had a wonderful right hook.”

“
Professor Coffin,” Madison
snorted. “Stop joshing us.”

“
It’s true,” Professor
Coffin said. “The female kangaroo is called a flyer because they
hit below the belt.”

I tugged on my invisible
leash.

“
I can’t believe that I am
powerless too,” I said. “I was just getting used to all that
power.”

“
Ye’ olden magical powers,”
Professor Coffin winked. “It’s quite the lovely nipple to tipple if
the old hag lets you.”

“
You feast on that dry
nipple,” Madison snorted. “Yuck.”

“
You drink that sour milk,”
Professor Coffin agreed.

“
I didn’t even get a chance
to abuse the power,” I said.

“
It’s been centuries since
I’ve been human,” Madison said. “I’m horrifically
terrified.”

“
That terror is perfectly
normal,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Can we get off the ship?”
Madison asked.

“
Of course,” Professor
Coffin said.

“
This is our first test?” I
asked.

“
What else could it be?”
Professor Coffin asked.

“
How exactly do you hitch in
this magical world?” I asked.

“
You just bumble around in a
drunken stupor like anywhere else,” Professor Coffin
said.

“
We can ride the glass
rollercoaster when The No Thing comes for us,” I said.

“
That’s how it will come,”
Professor Coffin confirmed.

“
I’m sure the test here is
completely weird,” Madison said.

“
We sit for this test,” I
said.

“
Perhaps you should hide in
Old Havana in glass,” Professor Coffin suggested. “No Thing will
come and get you.”

“
Nice try, guy,” Madison
snorted.

“
I think we’ll just sit on
the shore,” I said.

“
Let witchcraft come for
us,” Madison said.

“
I wonder what’s in the
glass coconuts,” Professor Coffin said as he looked down the
shimmering coastline. “I have a hankering for a coconut and rum. My
blood is getting a bit too thin for my taste. The tropics demand a
toot.”

“
We should put him ashore
first,” I said.

“
I don’t see why not,”
Madison said.

“
We see what happens to
him,” I said. “Then we decide if we want to step ashore in this
world of glass.”

“
Are you ready to be No
Thing bait, Professor Coffin?” Madison asked.

“
Don’t we have any women and
children?” Professor Coffin demanded.

“
We were supposed to throw
you over the side for the sharks before the storm,” Madison
said.

Professor Coffin looked
shocked.

“
While the planet Jupiter
approached,” I clarified. “Do you remember that?”

Professor Coffin looked confused. It
was like someone forgot to change his batteries, the old
robot.

“
Before the flaming whale,”
Madison said.

“
That was different,”
Professor Coffin said while powering back to life. “I deserved
that.”

It was like we had just altered the
course of the story by refusing to go into Old Havana in glass. I
knew we were on the right path with that decision.

“
Maybe we should trade him
to No Thing,” I suggested. “Seeing as No Thing doesn’t
exist.”

“
How many glass beads should
we ask for one No Thing to give us for another No Thing?” Madison
asked.

“
You would be surprised what
my head will fetch in these parts,” Professor Coffin grinned.
“Everyone likes a shrunken head.”

“
You should have thought of
that before embarking on this journey,” I said.

“
I would have never come,”
Professor Coffin said. “I’m not welcome in this world. Don’t be a
fool, man. What’s coming doesn’t like me. They sense my resentment
of their refinement. Why can’t I be classy too? It’s just not
right.”

“
Why let self-preservation
get in the way of a good adventure?” Madison asked.

“
That’s the old explorer
spirit,” Professor Coffin grinned.

“
Keep throwing your life to
the wind,” I said. “And you’ll be a great pirate like Professor
Coffin some day.”

“
They’ll sing sea shanties
about you in rum shacks all over the map,” Professor Coffin
agreed.

“
Drunken pirates singing
about me in goblin bars,” Madison said. “That’s quite the
honorific.”

“
They might smoke cigars in
your honor too,” I said.

“
Witchcraft needs you,”
Professor Coffin grinned.

“
A lot of understudies turn
on their mentors,” Madison said.

“
It’s probably not a good
idea to try to mentor us,” I suggested.

“
I must pass my wisdom on to
the younger generation,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Bad idea,” Madison
said.

“
I haven’t had a good idea
in four hundred years,” Professor Coffin shrugged.

Chapter

“
Perhaps you should go
ashore before one of us attacks you,” Madison said.

“
Wander off on your own
volition under threat of death,” I said.

“
We’ve already crossed that
bridge with spectacular results,” Professor Coffin said.

“
I should have never killed
you,” I said.

“
That was your mistake,”
Professor Coffin agreed.

“
You should have let him rot
in the doldrums forever,” Madison said.

“
But then where would we be
right now?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
Back on Coffin Island,” I
said.

“
Where we belong,” Madison
said.

“
You didn’t like Coffin
Island,” Professor Coffin said.

“
Doesn’t matter,” Madison
said.

“
You didn’t like being a
witch,” Professor Coffin countered.

“
We were the top of the food
chain there,” I said.

“
Now we’re the bottom,”
Madison said.

“
We’re terrified to move,” I
said.

“
We’re basically wombats
without any powers,” Madison said.

“
You’re complaining about
being a hitch?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
This is caveman’s world,” I
said.

“
The architecture is finer
than that,” Professor Coffin said. “Cavemen didn’t live in a
sparkling city of glass.”

“
It’s a trap,” Madison
said.

“
I wouldn’t tell that to the
architects,” Professor Coffin said. “I’m sure they think more
highly of their work than that.”

“
This world is run by
something that won’t even acknowledge us,” Madison snapped. “What
don’t you get?”

“
Witchcraft happens,”
Professor Coffin shrugged. “You are born into nothing. You die into
nothing. Currently you must escape from nothing.”

“
He’s been hatching this
plot all along in a weird unknowing way,” Madison said. “I just
don’t know if we should keep him around.”

“
I don’t think it matters,”
I said.

“
You won’t get to the final
school without me,” Professor Coffin said haughtily.

“
I tend to agree,” Madison
said.

“
We might be done with this
whole farce,” I said.

“
We just end ourselves right
here?” Madison asked.

“
I’m thinking about it,” I
said.

“
That’s why I don’t apply
myself,” Professor Coffin said firmly. “My efforts even when I
don’t make any go unappreciated. Why should I work for everyone’s
disdain when I can easily get it doing nothing?”

“
Did you have any idea what
was going on here, Professor Coffin?” I asked. “Let’s just deal
with that.”

“
Could you rephrase your
question for clarity?” Professor Coffin asked.

“
Did you know that the
finishing school was a world of glass,” I asked. “I can’t make it
any plainer than that.”

“
A world of glass that cares
absolutely nothing about us,” Madison added.

“
A world of glass devoid of
occupants,” I shouted.

“I might have suspected that the upper
class witches from Crypt Island were doing something unsavory,”
Professor Coffin admitted. “But I was a bit too tipsy to pay
attention to my inkling.”

“What was the tip off?” I
asked.

“My empty rum bottles,” Professor
Coffin said. “What else could it be?”

“What were you doing with your empty
rum bottles?” I asked.

“I threw them out the privy door into
the emerald ocean in the doldrums,” Professor Coffin said. “Where
else would I litter?”

“Did you ever see any upper class
witches from Crypt Island in the doldrums?” Madison
asked.

“I might have seen a few ships,”
Professor Coffin said.