Codependent No More Workbook (22 page)

Most people grow and change in their practices of the disciplines of prayer and meditation over time. Many people fear, when it comes to meditation, that how they’re doing it isn’t good enough. Some people use books written by someone else that focus on an uplifting thought for each day. Other people use Eastern techniques, sitting cross-legged on the floor, eyes closed, mind stilled, either focusing on one pure thought or emptying the mind and letting God fill it with whatever He wants them to hear.

You can’t pray or meditate incorrectly. You may feel awkward at first. You may procrastinate, thinking
I’m too busy, I don’t have time.
That’s like saying you’re too busy to put gas in your car. You’re late and you need to get where you’re going. But then you become really delayed because you run out of gas and have to call a towing service.

Praying and meditating is how we get our power.

“When I graduated from treatment for chemical dependency, my counselor told me to be sure to remember to do four things every day,” said one recovering Double Winner. “That’s been thirty years ago. I can only remember two: Ask God every morning for knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry it out. Then thank Him every night for doing that and helping me get through the day. Those two things must be enough,” he said. “Praying twice a day has kept me straight all these years, and despite my resistance, it got me into Al-Anon—a place I thought I’d never be found. Practicing this Step got me sober, got me into Al-Anon, and made me grateful that I’m a Double Winner. This Step can take anyone anywhere they want to go.”

A question that’s been around Twelve Step programs for a long time is “How do I know if something is God’s will for me or not?”

When I first began recovering from codependency and started learning about owning my power, I thought power meant beating my chest and saying, “I am woman, hear me roar.” It felt like there was little that I couldn’t do, now that I found and owned my power. Then someone handed me a copy of the book
The Tao of Pooh,
written by Benjamin Hoff. I read it and at first became terribly confused.

I’d been learning about ideas such as owning my power. Now this book talked about Winnie-the-Poohing our way through life. No beating on the chest. We don’t generate events by using power. We let go. We surrender to each experience, like Winnie-the-Pooh and his friends, whether that means falling into a hole and trying to get out, running out of honey, or trying to get the lid off the jar.

This way of living felt diametrically opposed to what I thought I was supposed to do. Maybe I needed to beat my fists on my chest and roar for a while to get up off the floor and stop being a doormat. But now, life began teaching me another way.

I began to see that we don’t own power. It’s something we’re all connected to, the way we’re connected to God, the universe, and each other. When we get out of the way, the power of the universe gets channeled through us. We opened this connection by cleaning up the past. Then we connect with power by practicing the disciplines of prayer and meditation recommended in this Step.

We pray for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry it out. We meditate and listen to what God wants to say. We show up for life each day, whether we want to or not. We surrender to whatever experience we find ourselves in. At first we may think that the situation we find ourselves in is an accident or mistake. We’ll try to make the problem or experience go away. Then the lights turn on. We get it. We’re in the midst of learning another lesson. What we’re supposed to do is let go.

By living through each experience and allowing God and life to work things out in us, by relaxing into our life the way we’d sit back in a big, comfortable easy chair, we’ll be guided about what to do next.

This new way of living was a huge shift, 180 degrees, from what I thought it would be when I first began recovering. But it’s the best way of living I’ve experienced. Everything happens for a reason. If we make a mistake, no matter what
it is, it can be used for good. We don’t have to make life happen. Life and love happen naturally through us.

How do we know if a particular action is God’s will for us? I can’t give you a set of rules. But I can share some of what I’ve learned. Pray and meditate about decisions, although some windows of opportunity are brief and we need to decide quickly. If we get a good intuitive feeling about something, it’s probably because the answer is
Yes, this is God’s will.
But we won’t know for certain. There are no guarantees. If we get a bad feeling, it likely means that it isn’t God’s will. If we get a neutral feeling, it’s usually because it doesn’t matter that much whether we do that thing or not. It won’t affect our lives that much one way or another.

More than anything, I’ve learned that if we’re working the Steps and praying and meditating—even a little—God’s will for us is whatever we find ourselves doing right now.

Are you familiar with navigation systems for automobiles? If you make a wrong turn, the navigation system recalculates and tells you how to get to your destination. No matter how many mistakes you make, it will continue to recalculate and direct your route. God’s will is similar to a navigation system. No matter how many wrong turns we make, we can get home from wherever we are.

One symptom that marks a codependent is an unrealistic relationship with power. Codependents sometimes waste years of their lives trying to do things they can’t. They attempt to exert powers that they don’t have and never will, such as controlling others. It’s not our right or responsibility to interfere with another person’s free will. In the process of trying to do what we can’t, we overreach our true powers. We also become too exhausted from controlling and obsessing to do much else except pass out every night from the stress of obsession.

Some people who are not in a recovery program object to the Twelve Steps. Some of these people claim they don’t need to admit powerlessness, and that doing so unnecessarily holds people back. I don’t believe that’s true. When we admit powerlessness over things we truly can’t do, all we’re doing is telling the truth.

Some people don’t take recovery far enough. They discover what they’re powerless over, but they don’t discover their powers. They don’t find out what they’re capable of doing. Or they limit their lives by a preconceived notion of what God’s will is. For instance, if people believe that suffering is necessary, that sacrificing all desires is required, that’s going to inhibit their beliefs and understanding of what God’s will is for their life.

“Shortly after my divorce I found myself in a dilemma,” said Annie E., who identifies herself as a recovering codependent. “I was walking down the street one day feeling distraught. I’d spent years building my own business. Although I wasn’t at the pinnacle of success, I’d come a long way, but not far enough to have benefits like insurance for myself and the children. I loved my business. It meant so much to me. I felt awful because I believed now I would have to give it up, take a nine-to-five job, and get all the security that would bring. That meant a huge loss. I’d worked so hard. But I had to do what I had to do to take care of my children,” she said.

“Then an idea occurred to me so clearly it was like someone was putting thoughts in my head. ’What makes you think that you have to do anything other than pray for God’s will for you and the power to carry it out every day now that you’re divorced?’
That’s a good point,
I thought.
Why did I think God’s will meant I couldn’t do what I loved doing—as long as I asked Him every day to show me His will and give me the power to carry it out?
I realized it was because I believed I was supposed to suffer. In the end, I didn’t give up my business. Eventually I got insurance and gave myself benefits. I made enough to raise my children, send them to college, and take care of myself. I’m still working at my business that I almost talked myself out of, thinking it couldn’t possibly be God’s will.”

This Step doesn’t limit us. It’s the pathway to almost unlimited power—as long as we align ourselves with God’s will through prayer and meditation.

What are some of our essential God-given powers? We can feel our own feelings, think, solve problems, let go, and learn new behaviors. We can work these Twelve Steps. We can learn to express who we are. We can ask directly for what we want and need. We can learn to set healthy boundaries, and then we can enforce them. We can learn healthy ways to give to and nurture other people and ourselves. We can learn to take care of ourselves. We can take financial responsibility for
ourselves. Plus we can set and achieve our goals based on our own unique set of abilities, skills, gifts, and desires.

“I wish to God that I would have begun setting goals for myself that involved using my creativity earlier in recovery," said one woman, a recovering codependent. “I was in recovery for years before realizing I could set goals to do things I felt passionate about.”