Cloudy with a Chance of Boys (4 page)

“I know you’ve all been looking forward to Author Day
(we have?)
and you’ve been preparing for this day in your classes
(huh?)
but I’m sorry to have to announce that our author is . . . has a bad case of . . . stomach flu —”

Wire Rims whispered, “Stomach flu, huh? That’s code talk for you-know-what. Hey, maybe he’s the author of
The Princess Diarrheas.
Or
The Diarrhea of Anne Frank.
”

“That is
so
not funny,” Olivia told him, but we couldn’t help laughing a little.

“
Diarrhea of a Wimpy Kid,
” he said, trying too hard to get us to crack up some more. I glanced over at Ms. Carter-Dunne, but luckily she was giving the evil eye to Ben Cheng.

“But the good news is that we had an assembly scheduled for the primary classes and our speaker has agreed to stay to address the sixth and seventh graders. Let me introduce the Nutrition Magician!” Collective crowd groan.

“Nutrition Magician?” Wire Rims leaned in and said to Olivia, “Suddenly, the dead author’s not looking so bad, am I right?”

“Shh! Don’t you know how to whisper?” Olivia nodded toward the teacher.

The Nutrition Magician pulled a zucchini out of a black top hat. Nobody laughed. Before you could say “Food Pyramid,” he started juggling the major food groups — two eggplants, an orange, a carton of milk, and a rolling pin.

Just then, I felt a knee in the back of my head again. “Hey! You’re pulling my hair! Ouch!”

He said, “Sorry,” but he was clearly grinning.

“You don’t look sorry,” said Olivia. She was grinning too.

The Nutrition Magician dropped the rolling pin by mistake. The audience erupted in laughter.

“So, you’re in her Earth Science class?” Olivia asked Wire Rims. “What’s your name, again?”

“Owen. Owen O’Malley. But my friends call me Owen.” He smacked his hand on his forehead like he didn’t mean to say that.

“Really? Strange. My name’s Stevie but my friends call me Stevie.” I couldn’t help grinning.

When the assembly was over, we got the nods from our teachers that it was time to go back to class.

“Finally. I’ve never heard so many questions about broccoli,” Olivia said.

“That’s because nobody wants to go back to class.” Including me. The assembly had been kind of fun. Missing Health class, I mean. And talking to Livvie the whole time.

As we filed past Ms. Carter-Dunne, I smiled. She did not smile back. She frowned and pointed to Olivia, me, and Wire Rims. “You, you, and you. Wait for me out in the hall. Now.”

SEALED WITH A KISS

Starring Alex

Sisters Stevie and Joey enter room, interrupting my perfect scene.

Me:
But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the East, and Juliet is the sun!
Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon
Who is already sick and pale with grief.

Joey:
Here we go again. Alex is being Juliet. That means we’re supposed to be quiet.

Stevie:
Another death scene? Alex, you have more lives than a cat!

Me:
(Holds up black eye mask on stick and waves it in front of sisters.)
I’m not Juliet. I’m Romeo. And it’s not a death scene; it’s a love scene.

Joey:
Ooh. Ick.

Stevie:
My bad.

Joey:
Are you sure? Because you’re flinging your head back and grabbing your heart. And that’s what you usually do when you’re stabbed or poisoned.

Me:
I’m sure. It’s the balcony scene from
Romeo and Juliet.
The balcony scene is only one of the greatest love scenes of all time! Ask anybody — dying and falling in love are the two hardest things an actor will ever have to do.

Joey:
Does Romeo wear a mask, like a robber?

Me:
Duh. Romeo meets Juliet at a masked ball. He has to go in disguise because Juliet’s family hates him.

Joey:
How come?

Me:
Well, they don’t just hate him, they hate his whole family. The Montagues and Capulets have been mortal enemies for, like, a million years. They hate him so bad they’ll kill him on sight if they see him at the ball.

Joey:
Wait a minute. I know this story. One’s a Montague and one’s a Capulet and they’re madly in love, and they rub noses a lot, but their moms and dads are super mad at them. They keep trying to get Juliet to marry this other guy, who’s really big and has bad breath that makes her cough all the time. He’s a walrus, I think. Or an elephant seal.

Stevie:
(Laughs.)
A
walrus
?

Joey:
Yeah.
(Shrugs.)
I saw the cartoon. Romeo and Juliet are seals, and there’s this talking fish named Kissy who’s really annoying. He sings “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.” Who sings “Twinkle, Twinkle” in the play?

Me:
C’mon, you guys. You have to help me figure out what to do for the audition.

Joey:
Sing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star”!

Me:
I mean, what should I do with my hair?
(Tugs on short hair.)

Joey:
How come nobody ever listens to me?

Stevie:
Your hair’s fine.

Me:
My hair
was
fine, until
somebody
burned it with the iron and I had to get it all cut off!

Stevie:
Well, you’re the one who wanted straight hair. You forced me to iron your hair. I’m on record for saying it was a bad idea from the get-go. Ask Joey.

Joey:
Me? Don’t look at me. I wasn’t even there!

Me:
(Makes face at Stevie.)

Stevie:
Okay, okay. Let’s not even go there.

Me:
You know, when you think about the Hair Ironing Disaster of the Century, you kinda owe me. So, I was thinking . . . I really need a Romeo. To practice for Juliet.
(Looks pleadingly at Stevie.)

Stevie:
Don’t look at me! I’m not going to kiss you then drink poison or stab myself or whatever.

Me:
It’s the balcony scene. There’s no poison. Romeo climbs up over the orchard wall to talk to Juliet.

Joey:
(Jokingly.)
Oh, Romeo, Romeo, I love you so much. Smooch, smooch, smooch.
(Makes kissing sounds on her arm.)
You’re my one and only lovey-dovey love bug. Oh Romeo, I just can’t live without you.
(Mimes sticking finger down throat.)
Gag me with a spoon!

Me:
Make fun all you want. But the part of Juliet is like a once-in-a-lifetime chance. Every actress has to play Juliet at least once.

Stevie:
Especially if . . . I mean . . . you know who would make a great Romeo?

Joey:
Scott Towel!

Me:
(Blushes.)

Stevie:
I was going to say Allen. Allen Albertson.

Me:
Alvin the Chipmunk? Are you bonkers? That kid has see-through ears and more zits than there are craters on Saturn.

Joey:
Ouch!

Stevie:
(Teasingly.)
But if he gets the part, you still want to be Juliet, right? I mean, as an actress. You’d still kiss him, I mean, for your career and everything.

Me:
(Shudders.)
He’s not going to get the part.

Stevie:
And Scott Towel is?

Me:
The kiss has to be good. No, not good, off-the-charts great. Because it’s her first kiss. And first kisses have to be perfect.
(Shuts eyes, imagining.)
For the play, I mean.
(Clears throat.)
To be believable. You know.

Joey:
Juliet Capulet is kind of a weird name.

Stevie:
How do you know it’s her first kiss? Do they say it’s her first kiss?

Me:
I don’t know. But she’s only, like, thirteen in the play. Almost fourteen.

Joey:
Your age.

Me:
Exactly.

Joey:
Blech. Forget about all that kissing. Just do what the seals do in the movie.
(Flaps hands together.)
Arr! Arr! Arr! (Barks like a seal.)

Stevie:
(Smacks hand to head.)
Wait a second. I get it. I see what this is all about now. You go out for Juliet and Scott Towel goes out for Romeo and Romeo kisses Juliet in the play so you get your first kiss from Romeo. I mean, Scott Towel!

Me:
So?

Stevie:
Aha! I was right.

Joey:
Can we please stop talking about kissing? It’s gross!

Me:
What’s gross about it?

Joey:
Um, hello! There’s spit involved, in case you hadn’t noticed. And germs! Tons of germs. And pizza breath. And sometimes the guy sneezes on you.

Stevie:
And braces. Don’t forget braces. Total lip lock.

Me:
Thou speaketh of such matters which thou haveth not a clue.

Stevie:
Don’t thou meaneth “clue-eth”?