Authors: Lisa O'Donnell
Granny and Mrs Robertson talk about everything in the whole wide world. They talk about a girl who is having a baby and who doesn’t have a husband. They talk about the Masonic Lodge taking up all the jobs on the island and keeping the Catholics out of work. They talk of poor souls with all kinds of troubles. And then they talk about how hard it is to be unemployed on the island and no wonder the men want a drink. And then I hear Mrs Robertson ask Granny about Da and Ma and how they’re getting on.
‘Fine,’ Granny says. ‘Why wouldn’t they be?’
‘I heard Rosemary took a tumble, Shirley. A bad one,’ whispers Mrs Robertson.
‘That’s right,’ says Granny.
Mrs Robertson tells Granny she can tell her anything and not to forget they are good friends. She tells Granny that if she ever needs anything then she knows what door she can chap on. Granny looks annoyed and I don’t understand why because Mrs Robertson is being nice to her and has already given me ten pence.
‘I don’t know what you mean, Lizzy,’ says Granny and with a right scowl on her face.
‘I just heard from Macy Kelly there had been some fighting. She said that Rosemary got hurt in the face and had to go to hospital. Her brother Tommy told her. He took them to the hospital in his taxi apparently. She was in some state Tommy said.’
‘And you think my Brian did it?’
‘I’m sorry, Shirley, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s just what I heard.’
‘My Brian wouldn’t harm a hair on Rosemary’s head. She fell down the stairs, and you can tell that to
Macy bloody Kelly.’
Mrs Robertson apologises but Granny is furious and leaves Woolworths. I am furious and want to give the ten pence back but it is a lot of money and I decide to keep it.
‘Let’s go to the Tea Room,’ says Granny and starts walking really fast. She grabs at my hand. I hope nobody sees us but know better than to pull it away.
When we get to the Tea Room Da is already waiting for us. He smells of the sea and so I know he didn’t go to the pub or he would smell of smoke and beer. It makes me feel bad for him because Da loves a pint. Granny doesn’t tell him about Mrs Robertson. She smiles at him and tells him we had a nice walk in the town. She shows him the knitting pattern and Da gives me a wink because he knows I hate it.
We wait for Ma to join us but she takes ages and so Da says I can go ahead and have my milkshake.
Eventually Ma shows up and everyone is shocked. Da looks like he’s seen a ghost. I look to where Ma is peering at us through the window and I can hardly swallow my milkshake. All her lovely hair is gone. It’s blonde like Mrs Connor’s and cut sharp to her neck. Granny looks like she’s going to fall off her chair but Da snaps at Granny to be nice and when Ma comes into the Tea Room Da stands up and gives her a chair like a gentleman does. At first I think Ma loves her new hair, but then she picks at it and acts like she doesn’t, as if she’s embarrassed she cut her hair at all. She won’t even look around the Tea Room to see if there is anyone she knows or even at me sucking loud on my milkshake.
‘It’s lovely, Rosemary,’ says Granny.
‘I just felt like a change,’ says Ma.
‘Suits you well,’ lies Granny.
‘It’s beautiful, Rosemary. You look like Mia Farrow,’ says Da and gives her a kiss on the cheek. ‘Let’s have a nice cup of tea.’
This cheers Ma up but Granny keeps looking at the other tea drinkers and so do I. When Mary Frankel in her flowery pink apron comes to take our order she gives Ma a big smile and tells her she looks fantastic, but she also makes a tiny little face at the scars on Ma’s lip and face. She tells Ma to turn round so she can see the back of her head. She tells Ma she never looked better.
‘Now what can I get you?’ says Mary and gives Da a look so bad he goes as red as a raspberry. Granny acts like she doesn’t notice a thing but she does.
I have fish and chips. My favourite. Ma has a scone and doesn’t eat it. Da tries Mary’s lasagne to be friendly and Granny has some toast and a cup of tea. It’s nearly the best day I’ve had in ages and I look forward to eating my Pick ’n’ Mix as soon as I get home, but Ma wants to go for a walk along the shore and that’s what we do. We walk as far as Craigmore and I feel as if my legs will fall off. The sea air tastes salty and it’s a wee bit chilly. Granny has to sit down a few times because she’s so tired. Da has enough of it in the end although Ma looks like she could walk for miles.
Da decides we will get a taxi on the way back and I am so excited. We will roll into the car park of Barone in a huge black cab. Everyone will be so jealous that we can afford one. I can hardly wait to see the look on Paul MacDonald’s face. He’ll be mad and crazy with envy. His family can hardly afford the electricity meter in their house and I have Pick ’n’ Mix in my pocket. I will have friends again because everyone likes Pick ’n’ Mix and I still have ten pence left for the ice-cream van. Marianne will let me back into the talent show if I share my sweets and Ma will start talking and smiling again. I feel happier than I have felt in ages. I love Woolworths, but I hate Mrs Robertson and I hate Mary Frankel for the look she gave my da. I also hate my ma’s new hair and wish it was long again. I feel bad about that.
PAUL MACDONALD WANTS
to fight me in the Woody near our houses for telling on him and Marianne for being disgusting behind the shed. We call it the Woody even though it looks more like a swamp than a wood, but it does have a tree. It also has bramble bushes and raspberry bushes but you’re not allowed to eat from them because of the worms inside. I hate the bushes anyway, they scratch at your legs and you can’t avoid them because you have to go cut through them to get to the Woody.
There is lots of long grass in the Woody, as tall as a man, and girls won’t play there because of the snakes. I’ve never seen a snake but we tell the girls there are plenty of them and that we’ve seen a ton. We also tell them there are rats. I’ve not seen a rat either but I have seen a couple of mice and they’re really cute but a girl would go mad if she saw one. All this stuff is important because it keeps girls away when we’re playing soldiers or haunted wood. Grown-ups use the Woody as a dump, but not like nasty rubbish you have in your bin like eggshells and potato peelings, but for things they don’t want in their houses any more, like freezers and tables.
Dirty Alice doesn’t care about snakes and long grass, she’s always playing in the Woody. If her ma was alive she’d give her a hiding but she’s dead now and her da doesn’t care where she goes. Her brother Luke cares and he’s always yelling at her to do this thing or that thing but Dirty Alice doesn’t listen and Luke gets fed up chasing her around. Luke has no friends but it’s his own fault for being so clever.
‘He’s the cleverest boy in the town,’ says Da. ‘He plays chess. Why don’t you play chess, Michael? Maybe Alice’s brother could teach you.’
‘I don’t like chess,’ I tell him and I don’t. Mrs Roy already tried to teach me in class and only the suck-ups could do it, so Luke must be a suck-up.
‘You could try,’ says Da.
‘Leave the boy alone. If he doesn’t want to play chess he doesn’t have to play chess,’ says Ma.
‘I’m only saying,’ says Da, who shuffles at his paper and complains about the war.
‘Maybe Michael can learn cards,’ says Granny.
‘I don’t want to play cards. I want to play football.’
‘Then away out and play football,’ says Ma.
Ma is always chasing me out of the house. She’s always chasing Da. Sometimes she gives him money for the pub but he always gives it back. He’s started going for walks to the loch. I go with him and we talk about his childhood and all the things he loved to do as a boy. He shows me a tree where there used to be a swing, but it’s gone now. He tells me he broke his arm on the tree and made Granny cry. He tells me about a teacher who lived in a house we pass while going to the loch, a teacher who smacked his arse with a belt. He is glad teachers can’t do that any more. He says it is a good law that strangers, even a teacher, can’t touch another man’s child and then he tells me how sore it is to get the strap on your hands. Da tells me about Grandpa Jake, who had five brothers and two sisters and no money and who had soup for his dinner all the time. Da tells me about his grandpa, my great-grandpa, who went to war and never came back, leaving my great-grandma Eliza to fend for herself. Da says she died when she was a very old woman because she was tough as nails.
When we get to the loch Da says we’ll go fishing sometime, but I know we won’t. It’s just what he says. It’s always muddy at the loch and when we get home it’s dinner time and we have to leave our shoes at the door. Granny says it’s good to go to the loch because it will make you have a good sleep at night, but sometimes it is hard to sleep because Ma screams so much, not all the time, but sometimes. Da can calm her down with nice words and a cup of tea, but if he can’t he has to sleep on the sofa. She says no one understands and Da says she should have gone to the police. This makes her go crazy and she wakes the whole house from their beds. Granny will come into my room to tell me everything is OK. Eventually Ma goes back to sleep but Da still has to sleep on the sofa. It’s not fair. He wasn’t the one who flashed her.
When Paul MacDonald meets me in the Woody he brings a lot of people who hate me, except Fat Ralph, who is on my side. He hates Paul MacDonald worse than me. The girls come because they like to see boys fighting. Marianne is there and acting like it’s all over her and it is, I suppose, but I hate that she’s standing next to Paul and is all dramatic as if she can’t stand it when she’s really loving the whole thing. Tracey and Fiona hold on to her so she doesn’t faint. Dirty Alice is grinning her head off and telling Paul to give me a good thumping. I hate Dirty Alice and I wish I was fighting her.
No one knows how to start the fight and so I take a run at Paul. He falls on his arse. I jump on top of him and slap his face. He grabs at my hair and punches the air. We roll about and it’s all slapping and hard hitting but no one is winning. Then Paul cuts his lip on something and there’s blood. I must have scratched him. He stops fighting then and starts to scream.
‘Look what you did to my lip.’ Everyone is shocked and then Dirty Alice says, ‘He’s just like his da.’
I tell Dirty Alice to shut up and then she says, ‘Everyone knows he gave your ma a right doing. It’s in the family, battering folk. I suppose you want to batter me. Go ahead. I dare you.’ She shoves her face in my face and points at her chin, but I walk away and I’m nearly crying but I can’t cry because the first one to cry is the loser of the fight and I am not the loser because Paul is bleeding. I want to yell out my da never hit my ma. I want to tell them about the flasher and the terrible fall, but I am not allowed. My da would give me a hiding and my ma would start screaming.
‘I gave you a doing,’ I say to Paul.
‘No, I gave you a doing,’ Paul says.
‘Who’s bleeding?’ I say. ‘Not me.’
‘Let’s start again,’ says Dirty Alice.
I don’t want to. I’m too tired, but I still act like I do. So I look hard and say OK. Paul goes red and shakes his head.
‘I’m going home,’ he says and starts to cry like a baby. Then he walks away limping even though it’s his lip that got cut. Fat Ralph shouts out, ‘Michael is the winner.’ Marianne looks back at me to let me know she isn’t pleased about it and runs after Paul to hold him up. Fiona and Tracey help her. Paul’s acting all wounded like a soldier I machine-gunned in the Woody when we were playing Falklands that time. He’s a big faker and I want to shout it out loud but there’s been enough fighting and I want to go home.
‘Everyone still hates you,’ snips Dirty Alice.
‘Away and have a bath, you stinky cow,’ I say.
Alice is all red and gives me the finger. ‘Fuck off,’ she spits.
‘No, you fuck off,’ I say.
Then Katie Calderwood dumping a TV in the Woody goes mad and tells us we can’t say ‘fuck’ to each other or she’ll tell our mas and our das, except Dirty Alice doesn’t have a ma and her da never opens the door, so it’s all right for her.
I go home straight away but Paul MacDonald’s ma has already been on the phone and told my ma about the fight, but Ma tells Paul MacDonald’s ma a few things about her ‘precious son’ and doesn’t care too much I thumped him. Later she tells me it’s good I stood up for myself and that Paul MacDonald needed a good hiding. I am still worried Katie Calderwood will tell on me for saying ‘fuck’ to Dirty Alice, but Katie Calderwood doesn’t say a word. She just walks past our window and gives me a bad look. I feel worried for saying ‘fuck’ and also scared because one day when I’m least expecting it Katie Calderwood might tell Ma and Da, maybe when it’s my birthday and then I wouldn’t get anything. If she did that I would hate her for ever and I’d tell her she looks like a man. She would hate that because she thinks she looks like a woman. I wish I’d never said ‘fuck’ to anyone in my life.
WHEN YOU FIGHT
the toughest kid in the land and win then you are the toughest kid in the land except girls don’t care about that. Marianne wants me to say sorry to Paul. She says if I say sorry then I can be in the talent show, although that’s never going to happen, but just in case it does I go look for Paul. I find him playing with Fat Ralph in the Woody, but I don’t say sorry to him, I just ask to play soldiers. Paul says yes straight away. He doesn’t want to fight again either so we decide to shoot Fat Ralph, but Ralph hates being machine-gunned to the ground all the time and says he doesn’t want to play any more and we decide to go find the girls. Marianne is in tears because Bardo lost the Eurovision Song Contest and someone called Nicole from Germany won with a song about peace instead. Dirty Alice isn’t crying. She’s screaming it was a fix because of the war we’re having in the Falklands. She’s acting like she knows stuff about wars and Margaret Thatcher just like my da does, but she doesn’t, my da is the only person in the whole town that knows these things. He is a political person and says so. Dirty Alice doesn’t know anything. Everything she says gets on my nerves, even her face. It’s all screwed up and sweaty, as if she was running somewhere. She’s stupid, that Dirty Alice, and she’s always falling over on her arse. ‘It’s because of those long skinny legs,’ Ma says. If I hear a loud crying I don’t even have to look up, I know it’s Dirty Alice all hunched up like a ball sucking at her knee. Mrs Connor helped her one time and took her to her house for a plaster, but Ma said that was wrong and we should never go to anyone’s house by ourselves.