Closed Doors (23 page)

‘Let’s go in,’ she says.

‘I don’t know, Alice,’ I say. The cold is making me feel a little bit shaky and I really don’t know. I think maybe we should go home, but I know Alice will boke at the idea.

‘What the fuck are you doing here?’ comes a voice. It’s Tricia Law and with a fag in her hand.

‘I’ve come to see the rapist,’ Alice shouts and people stare.

‘Me too,’ I say, but not like Alice said it.

‘Is that right?’ says Tricia. ‘And then what?’

‘I’ll kick his nuts,’ I say.

Tricia laughs. ‘You won’t get near him. There’s two policemen and a lawyer guarding the bastard.’ She takes a long drag of her fag and then throws it on the ground and stubs it into the pavement.

‘Your da will go spare when he sees you’re here.’

‘I don’t care,’ I say.

Tricia rustles in her bag and gives Alice and me some Juicy Fruit, but mostly to get herself another fag.

‘Have you seen my ma?’ asks Alice.

‘She’s testified already. She’s waiting with Michael’s ma. It was very brave of her to show up like that. Very brave. You must be proud of her, Alice,’ says Tricia.

‘I am but Luke says she is fragile,’ says Alice.

‘If that’s what Luke says, then it must be true,’ says Tricia, smoking.

I like that she says this because it means she thinks Luke is a big know-it-all like me and a little bit annoying. She also thinks Mrs McFadden is stronger than we all think. She’s right because Mrs McFadden has testified and is having tea with my ma.

‘I want to know the verdict,’ I say.

‘You do? Then you’re braver than me,’ says Tricia, who taps nervously on her cigarette. ‘So you want to see him, Michael? Is that why you’re here?’

‘I do,’ I say.

‘Then be patient. We’ll need to go round the back,’ says Tricia. ‘We can see him when court has finished for the day. ‘Could be a while yet.’

‘What does he look like?’ I ask.

‘He’s tall, built like a brick shithouse and has red hair and a beard. He’s wearing a suit, but that’s probably for the trial to make him look like a respectable gentleman instead of the monster that he really is,’ says Tricia.

‘What about Da? He must be going mad,’ I say.

‘He’s there for your ma. We don’t need scenes today. You should go home.’

‘You said I could see him,’ I remind her.

‘Do you think your ma wants that, Michael? Do you think either of your mas wants you to see this monster?’

I’m not sure and neither is Alice.

‘Come on and we’ll get you home,’ says Tricia.

‘I want to kick his nuts,’ I say miserably.

‘Michael, I’ve been in there. The lawyer kicked his arse into next week. Trust me. This man is going to prison and he’ll get his nuts kicked in then.’

‘Do you promise?’ I ask.

‘I swear it,’ and then she gives a little puff of her cigarette and she’s all nervous and so I know she isn’t sure. Grown-ups get it wrong all the time, it’s the reason we’re there.

I get in the taxi with Alice and when we are sitting tight on our chairs I jump out the other side of the car.

‘Michael, what are you doing?’ screams Tricia.

‘I want to see Ma’s monster. I’ve been living with him for over a year now. He’s been all over my life. He’s the reason for everything. I want to look in his eye. Maybe I won’t kick him in the nuts but I want to see him.’

‘Coming or going?’ says the taxi driver and he’s grumpy.

Tricia sighs and gives the taxi driver some money.

‘There’s a cafe inside, we’ll go for a cup of tea,’ says Tricia. ‘Your parents will kill me,’ she says, but we don’t get too far because Da appears with Ma. They don’t see me at first, but then they do and it’s too late.

‘Michael!’ shouts Ma.

I am caught.

Da looks mad as a dog.

‘What the hell are you doing here?’ yells Da.

Alice’s ma and da appear too, but they hug her instead. I am annoyed about that. Suddenly they’re all crying and Alice is holding tight to her ma.

‘Let’s go,’ says Mrs McFadden.

Suzanne Miller and her parents swoop past us. They don’t care to stop. They give Ma dirty looks and stride towards all the taxis waiting in line for all the victims and criminals to go home and have their teas.

‘Good luck to you, Morag,’ says Da to a girl I have never seen before. Ma gives her a little hug and Da shakes her hand.

‘Same to you all,’ she says.

I watch this girl Morag walk away. She climbs into a waiting taxi and disappears inside behind the black door.

‘Was that the prostitute?’ I ask.

‘Her name is Morag,’ says Ma, annoyed.

‘You should be at school, you little bugger,’ says Da. ‘How did you get here anyway?’

‘I wanted to see him,’ I say.

Ma goes red.

‘We’re going, Rosemary,’ says Mrs McFadden and I think maybe they will hug too, but they don’t. The strangeness between them remains the same.

‘Be seeing you, Brian,’ says Mr McFadden. The men are more friendly.

‘Bye, Michael,’ says Alice, all smiles and joy. She takes her da’s hand. She didn’t get into trouble or anything and doesn’t care about kicking the rapist’s nuts any more. Stupid Dirty Alice. It was her idea to come here in the first place.

‘Is he going to jail, Ma?’ I ask.

‘I hope so, Michael.’ I grab for her legs. Da smiles, but Ma doesn’t.

‘Can I go round the back, Da? I want to see him,’ I say.

‘No,’ says Da.

‘Please,’ I beg.

‘I think I want to see him too,’ says Ma to Da and suddenly she is holding me by the hand and taking me to see her monster. Da grabs at her.

‘Rosemary, no,’ says Da.

‘I want to, Da,’ I say.

Da lets Ma go and we go round the back with Tricia Law.

We wait a long time and there is a lot of cigarette smoking. Tricia thinks it’s a bad idea and so does Da. Eventually the door opens and the monster is brought outside with two policemen who seem very small next to this man. I feel bad for my ma. She could never have escaped him. His hands are like giant knots and his body as strong as a bull.

‘Fucker!’ yells Tricia.

Da says nothing. He moves closer to Ma, who hides under his arm. I grab at the fence that divides me from the man who raped my ma. I want him to look up and I want him to see me. I want to see his eyes, but he won’t look at anyone. He is a coward and cowards can’t look anyone in the eye.

‘Hey, you,’ I shout but he still won’t look at me.

A policeman pushes him into the back of the car and I know then his eyes are not mine to see. They belong to my ma, to Mrs McFadden and to a girl called Morag.

THE FLASHER DOES
not get sentenced to death and his head stays on his shoulders.

‘More’s the pity,’ says Granny.

Ma shakes her head. ‘Three years,’ she says and holds tight to Da’s arm.

‘It’ll be a long three years. Think on that,’ says Da, patting Ma’s hand.

‘He should have got a hundred, Ma,’ I say.

‘Still not long enough for me,’ says Ma.

News of the rapist going to jail sweeps across town and Ma and Mrs McFadden are heroes for putting him away. It is in the local newspaper and in the
Daily Record
and so everyone in the whole wide world knows. My ma says to a journalist, ‘It is good the demon is behind bars,’ and Mrs McFadden says, ‘I just want to get on with my life.’ The girl called Morag isn’t asked anything at all. She is the invisible woman. There is even a sketched picture of the rapist in the paper but his head is low and it is hard to see his face. I think the worst picture drawer in the world must have drawn him.

Professor Friendly sends Ma flowers but Da doesn’t like them because he didn’t think to buy them himself. Ma goes back to work and her studies again. She is still a little sad because of what has happened to her but Granny says it will pass and for real this time.

‘It’s over now,’ says Granny. ‘For all of us.’

I wonder if Granny is right, if it really is over this time.

‘But Ma was mad when he went to prison, Granny. She says he won’t be in jail long enough,’ I say.

‘Your ma will have to lump it,’ says Granny. ‘We all have to try and forget this bad thing that has happened; especially your ma.’

Ma comes in and I ask her if she’ll be able to forget.

‘I’ll try, Michael,’ she says.

‘I’m off to play keepy-uppies,’ I say.

‘You must be able to do a million of them by now,’ says Ma.

‘Almost fifty,’ I tell her.

‘Must hurt your little legs,’ she says.

‘He’s young,’ says Granny.

‘Not as young as I would like,’ says Ma and starts to help Granny fold the clothes.

The doorbell rings.

‘Go see who it is, Michael,’ says Granny.

It’s Skinny Rab and he’s standing in front of a lot of our neighbours.

‘Go get your ma, Michael,’ says Skinny Rab.

‘Ma!’ I yell and when she comes to the door she sees what I see, a swarm of people smiling and chattering outside our door. I wonder what they want and when I look up Mrs McFadden is standing on our doorstep with Mr McFadden, Luke and Alice wondering the same and as surprised as we are.

‘Well done, girls,’ someone shouts.

People clap. ‘Nice one, ladies,’ someone else says.

Then someone whistles and there is more clapping. It’s like we are on a stage and Ma and Mrs McFadden have sung a great song together. Ma goes red. Then Da appears and he is all smiles. He puts his arms around Ma and she is so embarrassed I think she might disappear under Da’s armpit. It’s like everyone around me is suddenly happy and I am the best boy in the world for having a brave ma who beat her monster and had him sent to jail. Ma and Mrs McFadden look at one another and a little wave flutters between them and I see the ice thawing.

SIX MONTHS AFTER
the trial there is good news for Ma and Mrs McFadden. It turns out there were three other women afraid to tell about the monster that hurt them. Ma’s monster. I read in the paper that his name is Frank O’Sullivan. It is strange to read his name. No one says it out loud in our house. We call him other things but never by his real name. He gets seven years in prison and this makes Da buy champagne. He invites the McFaddens but only Mr McFadden comes. Mrs McFadden has to stay with baby Amanda, but she sends her best wishes and a box of shortbread for the celebration. Then Alice shows up and I have to share the shortbread with her, which I am not at all happy about, not one little bit. She says thank you like a hundred times like I have given her the Crown jewels or something.

When all the adults have finished the champagne Da pours some drinks from under the cupboard next to the flour and Mr McFadden is well pleased. Even Ma has a drop. When Tricia Law appears with her own champagne, I know there will be a big night in the Murray household. Alice and I go up to my room because we are sent there and because it is very boring being with grown-ups who are drinking and talking about Margaret Thatcher and the IRA and all the other terrible things happening in the world, especially unemployment.

Da is very lucky to have a job at all, says Mr McFadden, who has been unemployed since his first wife died, but he doesn’t seem to mind and neither does Mrs McFadden. I wonder if Mr McFadden is rich and when I ask Alice she says he is because he gets a dole cheque almost twice a month.

‘Let’s go down to the Woody,’ says Alice.

‘It’s dark,’ I say.

‘Don’t be a baby,’ she says. ‘They won’t even notice we’re gone. It will be a laugh. Bring your soldiers and we can pretend we are at war,’ says Alice, going downstairs. I smell the fag smoke from the kitchen and decide Alice is right. It would be fun at the Woody. I grab a bunch of soldiers and give some to Alice and we sneak out the front door. Alice sneaks into her da’s shed and gets a torch. When we get there it’s like a grassy graveyard and it makes me scared. I worry about animals like snakes and rats coming out of the grass. They don’t care at night and would bite your arse in a minute, but it is obvious Alice couldn’t care less and so I don’t say anything. We find a wee spot and have a good old game of soldiers. I win, but Alice doesn’t mind. I kill all her soldiers and it’s easy as pie but then it gets cold and there is nothing to do any more. We can see the lights in my kitchen are still on and the party is in full swing. There is even music playing and I bet a million pounds my da is singing stupid songs about Scotland. Alice moves closer to me and it makes me move along a bit. I got a hiding last time Alice was close to me.

‘I’m not going with the Greek lad any more,’ says Alice.

‘I don’t care,’ I say and I don’t.

‘Yes you do,’ she says and kisses me smack on the cheek. I want to wipe it clean but I don’t. I kiss her back. I kiss her like I have seen in the movies and I tumble on top of her like a madman. It doesn’t feel wrong, maybe because we have done it before, maybe because Alice and me know what we are doing, being so mature now.

Eventually we stop kissing and Alice wiggles from underneath me.

‘You’re a good kisser, Michael Murray,’ says Alice out of breath.

‘You’re good too,’ I say.

‘I have to go home now,’ says Alice. She dusts herself down from the grassy Woody, which is all over us from the rolling in the grass we’ve been doing.

‘Don’t tell anyone about this,’ she says.

‘I won’t,’ I promise.

She smiles and skips back to her house, leaving me with all the soldiers to carry back on my own.

I go home to my house and I am very pleased with myself. Everyone is downstairs and so I take out a nudey magazine and let my willy go mad. I know it is wrong, I know my ma wouldn’t like it, I know Alice’s da wouldn’t like it, his head would burst open, but it is what boys do when they are excited by girls and I am very excited about the beautiful Alice. Anyway it’s OK if you’re on your own, Paul says it is normal and so does Fat Ralph. It’s only wrong if you do it in front of girls and they can see you. You can only ever do it to yourself and for the rest of your life.

DA IS VERY
excited. Ma has gone to work with Tricia Law and he has something planned. Ma has had a good week and passed all her exams. She will become a teacher now after she does some more studying and Da is very proud of her, but he is also afraid.