Circus of the Unseen (16 page)

‘
Dots
.' We said it together, then both fell silent for what felt like an age. I pressed my hands to my face, holding my breath, waiting for him to say something. My heart gulped when he did.

‘When I first saw you  …  your eyes, they held me, and now I know why. They are like my little Rose's. I saw them sparkle like hers when you flew on the trapeze, and when you raised the sun. And I can see it now. This is truly astonishing, unbelievable. Can it be true?' He
took hold of my arm. ‘Do you know what happened to Lilka?'

I didn't know how to tell him that Granny had hardly mentioned them. I shook my head. ‘She couldn't say much. It upset my mum.'

I'd been thinking about that for a while, ever since I remembered Granny's letter, trying to understand why Mum had never spoken about them. I think I would have wanted to meet my half-sisters, not pretend they didn't exist, but Mum was an only child. Maybe that made it harder to accept you weren't the only special one in your mother's life, especially if Granny still missed them so much. It must have been agony for them both.

‘What
did
she say about us?'

‘Just before she died she started telling me more about this time in her life, and I could see how much she missed you. I even suggested we visit your village, to see if anyone had survived. After she'd gone and I found your letters and the necklace, I decided I was going to find out everything I could, but then I had my accident –' I broke off, my face burning as it hit me that I must have been right about Granny knowing about this place. And that wasn't all.

‘I know this will sound crazy, but I really think she was trying to come to you
here
. She wasn't just trying to die and join you in death. She didn't mean it as a metaphor, or something. She was trying to die
on a threshold
so she'd come to you.'

‘What are you saying, Rosie? That she  …  she killed herself to try to come to me?' He looked horrified. ‘Are you sure? Even if she knew something about the in-between world, how would she know I was here?'

‘Because she knew how you died. She knew that people from your village were killed as they were about to cross a
border
. She told me about a report she'd read. I think she meant to die on the threshold of the hearth. She was found
near
it.' I bit my lip as more pieces of the puzzle fell into place. ‘And I don't think that was the first time she'd tried either.'

I told him about Granny's riding accident that time we were on holiday in Germany. It seemed likely to me now that she'd ridden that horse into the road deliberately. That had happened on a border.

‘My darling little Rose.' He shook his head. ‘Maybe she did know something. We shall never know for certain, but I am sure about one thing.' Fabian smiled, and the way his whole face lifted and lit up made tears stream down my cheeks. ‘I am sure that it is a wonderful thing that we have found each other. I am more glad than I can ever say.'

As we hugged, I felt excited and weak at the same time. I now knew Granny's secrets, and I'd met the people she'd loved and left behind, and it broke my heart all over again to think of her being that desperate to join Fabian and her girls here. In a way, she'd brought me here. My accident and falling through came about because I was searching for her secrets in the place she'd died. But what now? What was I going to do? I had my answer to that too, and it made me tingle all over.

Suddenly, the air turned colder. I raised my head from Fabian's shoulder. Thick clouds were closing in fast, blocking out the light. Something cold and wet landed on my nose. Snowflakes! Delicate, plump flakes, falling in swirls that were rapidly covering the ground. Didn't that mean it was time? Hadn't Mother Matushka said she shakes out the snow before the horses come, and before
they
come?

‘It's snowing,' I hissed. ‘Look.'

‘The snow? I don't understand. There's still another sun to rise.'

Crap
.

‘That must be my fault. I moved it too far, didn't I? I had to drag it back, so I suppose it rose twice this morning.'

‘I'll go to Mother with the dolls. Will you make sure Scarlet knows?' He took hold of my hand. ‘But have you decided, Rosie? You're not leaving us, are you? Don't go through, don't leave us, I beg you.'

Well, I had to stay, didn't I? I had to listen to their warnings about how impossible it was, and I had to say goodbye to Mum, Dad and Daisy. I ached for what I no longer had – for them – but I also felt lighter, knowing I was now free to get on with what I had here.

‘If you're begging, I'll stay,
Granddad
.'

‘Yes, I suppose I'm
almost
your grandfather. Your impossibly young grandfather!'

He smiled and pressed the necklace into my hand. We hugged again and I ran from the lake through the carpet of snow, imagining that Granny's Lady Snowstorm was shaking her skirts for me.

‘Scarlet!' I knocked against her wagon. ‘The snow's here! Fabian said I should fetch you.'

I heard her scramble to the door. ‘Already? It can't have. Jeez, you're right. I need to get going, I'm not where I'm supposed to be. What's going on?' She ducked back inside and pulled on a cloak. ‘Here, have this.' She wrapped a fur stole around my bare shoulders.

‘I sort of made the sun rise twice this morning, which is probably why it's early. But I'm not leaving, Scarlet!' I said. ‘I'm not going through. I'm staying. I'm definitely staying, if Mother will let me. I haven't had a chance to tell her yet.'

‘Of course she'll let you, darling. Look at how you're working with her – although you might want to hold back on raising the sun twice in a day in future. I'm so happy you made the right decision. Have to admit, you had me worried.' She spun me around and squeezed me so hard I could hardly breathe. I wriggled myself free.

‘But there's something else,' I said. ‘A connection between me and Fabian. We're sort of related. His wife, Accordienka's mum, was my granny. It's incredible, isn't it? I'd already been wondering if – maybe – I should stay, but finding that out made my mind up.'

‘What? Seriously? Your grandmother and Fab?' She frowned.

‘I know it sounds crazy, but it's true. It really is. There's no doubt.'

‘You're
seriously
serious? You're right, that does sound crazy. I need to know all about it, but we really need to get going. I'm afraid you're going to have to take a ride with me on Sunny Blaze, sweetheart. Reckon you can do it?'

I nodded. I had to. Scarlet went round the back of the wagon and returned with the horse. She helped me onto it before jumping up herself, and soon we were pounding through the snow, with me holding tight around her waist.

‘We need to go out to the Edge, to the carousel,' Scarlet called. ‘Everyone gathers there to greet them and get them to the Top.'

We rode beyond the Big Top and the rocky verge, passing dozens of performers as we went. They were all in costume, and there were more animals than I'd seen before. The tightrope-walking brothers had their wolf heads, the flamingo-costumed girls seemed to have real wings, and there was a brown bear walking on its hind legs.
Was that Fabian?
I wondered. Had he really taught himself to turn into a bear?

We raced ahead of the procession and stopped when we came to the carousel in the clearing. Mother Matushka was there with the bluebird still tucked into her cloak.

‘Fabianski tells me you have decided to stay,' she said. ‘I welcome you, again, to our world. I hope everyone here will come to feel like your family, not just him and Accordienka.'

‘Thank you,' I said. ‘Thank you.'

Just then the ground started rumbling and the sky darkened and the carousel music started to ring out. All the performers flooded into the area and rushed towards the noise and the blur of lights that were switching from ruby and gold, to silver and blue, then red and white. Mother Matushka gestured for me to join them, so I ran with blood beating in my eardrums and my feet crunching into the snow. Then everyone stopped and I saw we were no longer under the open sky. There was a wooden cover over us. We were, somehow, on the carousel.

‘Hello, Rose Girl.' Coco smiled. She was hovering above me, with no strings attached. ‘Look, it's you and Scarlet and Mother Matushka!' she giggled, pointing at the manikin woman.

I had to admit it did look a lot like the three of us, but more than that, maybe, it was like seeing the same woman at different stages of her life. Her three faces blurred into one as the carousel picked up speed.

‘When are the new people arriving, Coco?' I asked.

‘They're not exactly people, silly! They're more like shadows. Can't you see them? They're here now. They're always here before we come to help them. Look!'

At first I could only see performers I recognised from the circus, but then I noticed that they each had a hazy silhouette behind them, like a shadow that belonged to someone else. Their size and shape revealed their age. Some were hunched and faded, others were small and bright. My eyes were drawn to two that looked different from the others. They had the same fuzzy outline, but they still had bodies, pulsating with silvery light.

As the music faded, I heard the pounding of hooves. A white horse was circling us, and every place it passed became light as dawn. The carousel slowed to a standstill, and I heard the boatman's voice. ‘
The river don't stop, and the river don't rest
,'
he sang, and I realised there was water beneath us. ‘
The river keeps a-flowing when there's no flesh left
.'
Somehow, we were now crossing the lake to the Big Top. When we reached land, Mother Matushka came to me and pulled me aside.

‘Stay near me, child. They have a job to do. Yours is to watch what I do. Next time you can partake.'

We went towards the Big Top with everyone following behind. I joined her in the centre of the ring while the others, the Players and their shadows, filed around its edge. A bright, white light shone through the dome of the Top, making it look like the membrane inside an egg. Mother Matushka settled on the ground, and I did the same, while each of the Players took to their wires or cannons, to their diving boards or trapeze swings, to do whatever it was they did. The sound the musicians were making was like nothing I'd ever heard. In it, I heard laughter and pain and anger and love. It was like hearing people's hearts. I could hear Coco and Lola's voices ringing out over everything else, and I could hear Accordienka's drone underpinning everything. It was the root of the music. It was like hearing and feeling the hearts of all the people I had ever known.

‘It is time.' Mother Matushka raised her arms and the light shifted and the Big Top was transformed into a great red-and-white cathedral. A Red Rider – it was Scarlet, of course – hurtled into the ring followed by a parade of girls on ponies. The music was frantic now, careering up and down, mad-crazy fast, out of breath and desperate, and the bundle of Mother Matushka next to me twitched, and the smell of salt and earth filled the air. As she stood, all music and movement faded to quiet stillness.

‘I had the strength to do it alone,' she whispered, her eyes shining bright. ‘I shook the snow, and brought the Riders. I raised the light in the Top.' She turned to me, almost smiling. ‘Or was it because you were at my side? Was it both of us?'

I didn't know, but I was glad to see her happy. As we watched the Players leave the Big Top with the shadows at their sides, I felt a twinge in my heart. Mother had said I should join them as they left the Top. This was it. The time had come, but I knew what I had to do. I knew I had to stay and do work here.

By the time Mother Matushka and I came outside, the Players had formed a passageway, with a shadow positioned before each of them. I noticed that the two figures with bodies were standing in line with the Players. They must have died on thresholds, I thought. They must be staying.

Mother and I walked through the passage with the Red Rider following behind, bringing bright daylight in her wake. When we came to the crossroads, Scarlet and Sunny Blaze raced off and crossed paths with the Black Rider that was coming towards us. The switch to darkness was instant. I could no longer see the Players, only the glow of the shadows.

Mother Matushka and I went to the cottage, with the shadows close behind us. She closed the door, took Fabian's new dolls from her cloak, and together we opened them up and stood them on the hearth, ready to be filled. Then she swept away the salt and the earth and unhooked the pot from the fire.

‘We are ready,' she said. ‘The way is open. When I let them in, you must stand aside so the souls can be gathered in the dolls' bellies. Then we shall put on their heads to seal them inside while the shadows slip through the fire. Once they have passed, we shall reseal the way.'

I took a deep breath as Mother Matushka let them in, and closed the door behind them. The room filled with the shadows' intense white light and, as they moved as one towards the fire, the base of each doll glowed. Once their glow had faded, we closed them up, and the shadows were sucked towards the flames. I'd just closed the very last doll when the door burst open. Freddie rushed across the room.

‘What are you doing here, boy?' screeched Mother, scurrying to close the door. ‘Get back!' she shouted. ‘Stop him, child!'

‘I'm going through with them. Can't stand it any more!'

He went to leap into the fire. I grabbed his torso and pulled him back from the flames to safety. He was still kicking like crazy and lashing out at me as I put him down. He sent me reeling backwards towards the hearth. I screamed as the heat licked my arms and legs. I struggled to regain my balance. I struggled to pull myself back. I was engulfed in a swirl of shadows. I was being sucked into the hole.

Was I going through?

I was going through.

I felt like I was made of light and air, not blood and bones. I felt like I was made of all the shadows who'd gone through with me. I was through and I was floating. I was weightless in the cool, damp air, drifting down slowly, swaying from side to side. Then, in an instant, they left me. I knew they'd gone because I became aware of the weight of my own body again. I felt heavy and I hurtled downwards. I slapped into water and I went under, dragged down by my body of blood and bone. I sank, and the deeper I dropped, the lighter it became and I saw the water was streaked with silver. It looked alive, like a mass of sleek, eyeless, muscly eels clustering around me, coiling around my ankles. I flapped and I kicked. I worked my arms and legs like crazy. I had to get back to the safety of air and earth. No, more than that, I had to get back to the circus. But was that even possible? And how long could I last down here?

There was nothing here except me and the river now. Even those creatures had gone, if they'd ever really been there.

Got to flow with the river, got to keep flowing higher.

Got to ride that river right back to the mire.

I could hear the boatman's voice in my head. The hypnotic rhythm caught me and, as I chanted along with it, I stopped flailing and making things worse and started to move in time with the song, and myself.

As I repeated it over and over, I knew then that if I
were
able to get back, I would have succeeded in Mother Matushka's challenge. Now I'd gone through and was no longer in the circus, wasn't I something she didn't have? There was nothing here to bring back but me.

Got to flow with the river, got to keep flowing higher.

Got to ride that river right back to the mire.

I pushed up with my mind and propelled myself through the water with my arms, using the same force I'd used to move the moon and the sun. The waters lightened and I smelled earth, and roses, and a marshy riverbank, and I wondered if that meant I was nearly there, and if that meant I had nothing to worry about, and everything to look forward to. I didn't know, but the smell was getting stronger and stronger, and I could see Mum, Dad and Daisy again, inside my head. They were holding each other, looking down on me, solemn and silent at first, until Mum broke.

‘So this is it. This is it.' Mum was watching me, sobbing. I saw her turn to Daisy.

‘I could have done something. I could have saved Granny. I could have stopped all this. One of Granny's daughters got in touch with her, but I tore up the letter. Only one of them died. It
is
my fault. They could have been reunited.'

Stop it, Mum. Stop it. Don't say that
.

‘Don't Mum,' Daisy whispered. ‘We could try to find her now. Maybe she's still alive.' She hugged Mum, and I saw she was clutching her doll.

Always keep her with you, Daisy
.
Always keep her.

I wondered if maybe Mum would find Lilka and have her own new big sister. She'd need looking after. All I had now was myself, and I was taking that with me, along with the news that Lilka had survived, and a desire to do all I could in the circus – to take all the auditions, to learn everything I could about Mother's work and, most of all, to learn how to do my own work.

They each kissed me and faded to nothing.

Goodbye. I love you. I love you
.

I was alone.

I felt myself rise through the water.

Got to flow with the river, got to keep flowing higher.

Got to ride that river right back to the mire.

I opened my eyes and saw Mother Matushka. I was back in her cottage, back in the Circus of the Unseen.

‘Well, child, you have brought yourself back. While you were gone, you were something I lacked, and now you have brought yourself back to me. Is this what you wanted?' she asked. ‘Is this what you wished for?'