‘I need to go to hospital,’ he said.
We caught a taxi to the hospital, promising the driver extra cash if any blood stained his car. I’d received a couple of cuts and bruises, but nothing too bad. Michael looked horrendous though, with his nose completely deflated.
‘What a night.’ Lisa rested her head on my shoulder as we waited in the hospital foyer.
‘Yeah, I’m really sorry for what happened,’ I said.
‘What do you mean? I had a cracking night!’
‘You enjoyed it?’
‘Yeah. Best fight I’ve seen in a long time. But I was worried about you. I don’t want you to get hurt in some town brawl.’
‘You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t know where I’d be without you,’ I murmured drunkenly.
‘You’ll always care for me?’ The bright hospital lighting revealed every detail of her prettiness.
‘Always,’ I whispered.
‘Even when I’m a pain?’
‘When are you ever a pain?’
‘I think I’m high maintenance!’ She giggled.
I pressed her hands against my chest so she could feel its rhythmic beat. We were young but I thought we’d be together for years to come. I couldn’t imagine myself with anyone else.
Michael came out of the hospital ward an hour later at 3:27, looking like a mummy with his heavily bandaged face.
‘I’ll keep my bloody nose out of people’s business from now on!’ He laughed.
*
I lit a cigarette with my car lighter and turned to Lisa. Two days had passed since our night out, and we’d just been to the cinema. We spoke about old times and I asked her if she’d seen her father recently. She’d passed him on a street, but hadn’t spoken to him.
A memory filtered through my thoughts of when we’d been children, splashing about in her inflatable swimming pool on a hot day. Streaks of sunlight diffused in the rippling water, and the garden trees pitched thick shadows across the lawn. Cut grass and blooming roses scented the air. But the kaleidoscopic moment and its shifting colors became engulfed by the figure of Lisa’s father. He arrived home, cursing Lisa’s mother. Then he stormed into the garden and dragged Lisa into the house.
He pinned her down on the carpeted floor and hit her in the face. Lisa’s mother cried in the corner of the room, incapable of doing anything. I ran into the house and grabbed a knife from the kitchen drawer. It didn’t matter that I was a child, threatening a monster. I couldn’t let him do this.
‘Get off her!’ I screamed.
He looked at me, his eyes lazy and drunk, and in that fractured moment he suddenly understood.
He packed his suitcases the following morning.
I let the memory fade away, dabbed my cigarette out and held Lisa’s hand.
‘I’ll always be here for you.’ I delved into her watery green eyes.
‘I know.’
She’d been thinking about the same moment. We’d stayed as friends through the good times and the not so good times. I thought we were meant to stay together, that our childhoods had prepared us and nothing could get in our way. But no, it had to end. There’s a lovely but poignant line in the song
You’ve Got the Love
that I’ve always felt defines what had to happen with that relationship: ‘Sooner or later in life the things you love you lose’.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Falling Rain
My time with Lisa hastened to its end. She’d been accepted at the University of Kent. I would attend Cardiff University. We wouldn’t be able to see enough of each other to maintain our relationship. We didn’t mention our impending break-up. It just hung over us, refusing to wander away like the proverbial cloud. I couldn’t imagine life without Lisa’s smile, her laugh.
I savored every moment with her, listening to the calm rhythm of her breathing when she slept and touching her soft hair. Her side of the bed would soon be empty, and the familiar scent of her hair would gradually leave her pillow. Our futures came first. She’d always wanted to study at Kent and I couldn’t hold her back.
We embraced each other in her garden, under an uncharacteristically grey sky, on an August afternoon. She smiled and told me she loved me, but sadness filled her eyes.
‘I love you too. You’ll never know how much,’ I said.
Soft rain fell from the heavy clouds. I wanted to hold her forever, to tell her to stay with me. The thought of being alone killed me inside.
‘It’s going to end, isn’t it?’ I looked up at the sky as a gust of wind scattered leaves across the turf.
‘What?’
‘Us…’
She didn’t say anything. She just placed her delicate fingers on my lips.
‘I’ll never care for another girl.’
‘You don’t know that,’ she whispered.
‘How could I, Lisa? How could I be happy in someone else’s arms, in someone else’s smile, when all I want to do is hold you and be with you? I love you more than I could ever love another girl.’
‘You’ll find someone else.’
‘How can you just stand there and say that?’ I snapped.
‘I don’t want you to be with someone else, but I want you to be happy. I can’t imagine life without you, but we have to get on with our lives.’
‘I know.’
‘We’re young. We have so much ahead of us. We don’t know what’s gonna happen. We can’t predict the future.’
‘I thought we’d always be together. We grew up together…’
‘And we spent some time apart until we went to college. Maybe this is just like that. Just a gap. You’re everything to me, Dan.’
‘No, I’m not. You have your future and your plans. We both do. We can’t hold each other back, no matter how much it hurts. It’s gonna be the hardest September ever without you.’
‘You’ll meet new people. You’ll have a great time and you’ll forget about me.’
‘Don’t say things like that,’ I said. ‘You’ll always be on my mind.’
For a while we held each other in silence, listened to the rain. I savored her warmth and kissed the tears on her cheeks.
‘I think we’d better go inside.’ I broke our silence. I wanted her to stay in my arms, even if it meant drowning in the rain, but it was over.
‘Wait a moment. Do you remember the last scene in
Four Weddings And A Funeral
?’
‘Well, that’s a non-sequitur! Yes, I do.’
‘They stand out in the rain and there’s that line…’
‘Andie MacDowell says she hadn’t noticed the rain, right?’
‘Yeah, that’s it. It’s like the worst delivered line in movie history!’ She snickered.
‘But I like that scene. Reminds me of when we first got together.’
The grey clouds loomed over our heads, and I realized why she’d mentioned that scene. Our relationship was cyclical. As Lisa kissed me on both corners of my lips, the memory of our first kiss on that rainy night came back to me. Again, she looked gorgeous, her hair disheveled, and beads of rain dripping down her face.
‘It’s raining,’ I said.
‘Is it? I hadn’t noticed.’ She pressed her body closer to mine.
The rain fell heavier, hurting our skins.
‘Come on, babe. It’s time to go inside.’
I spent my first two weeks at Cardiff University feeling very depressed, struggling to make new friends. My mother found my heartbreak hilarious. She laughed hysterically and blasted sad Rod Stewart songs whenever I came home. But when she’d finally stifled her maniacal laughter, she gave me a hug and said, ‘There’ll be plenty more girls, plenty more times of feeling in love, of feeling heartbroken. The first cut is always the deepest…’
I tried to pick myself up and get on with things. Even though it was painful whenever Lisa text me, saying she missed me, I knew we’d both be okay.
The texts eventually stopped, and first love seemed so long ago. Some memories were distinct, but others were foggy and I had to work hard to make them real. It still hurt, a lot. The first cut is always the deepest: my mother and Rod were right.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
University and Promiscuity
I often mistook pretty girls studying at Cardiff University for Lisa. Each golden strand of hair, each smile, brought her back to mind. I saw her everywhere, especially when couples walked past, and I felt haunted. Even the lines of poetry I studied described lovesick youth.
But I didn’t go to Cardiff University just to read poetry and mope. My eyes had been opened to the multitude of student offers and, in particular, the cheap nights out. I stayed at my mother’s house instead of moving to student accommodation, and often stumbled home during daybreak after pissing on the neighbors’ flowers.
Michael also studied at Cardiff. He took Philosophy. From a vocational point of view, he was only interested in becoming a professional actor. But the likes of Aristotle and Socrates fascinated him, so he decided to stick with performing in local theatres during his first year. The girls loved him, and he’d had a very successful freshers’ week in the bedroom department, and many unfortunate visits to the sexual health clinic. His nose had become crooked after his fight in town, but that made him look more distinctive, and he had no reason to lose confidence in his looks.
I wasn’t so successful with the opposite sex. I couldn’t talk to pretty girls for fear of betraying Lisa. But Michael reminded me that it was over between us and I needed to enjoy myself.
‘I imagine it’s hard to begin with,’ he said. ‘But there’s no point in constantly telling me you’re moving on when you’re clearly not. This is a great university, and there are so many smart chicks around.’
‘I thought that would put you off!’ I laughed.
‘And there’s a lot of pretty girls too. You need to get laid.’
‘Sex isn’t everything,’ I said.
‘Yes, it is. Don’t question my philosophy. I’m a philosophy student.’
‘I’d just feel so cynical if I slept with random girls for the sake of it.’
‘Listen, and listen carefully. Otherwise I’m gonna go to the market, purchase a frozen fish and wallop you with it.’
‘What the hell are you talking about?’ I cocked an eyebrow.
‘I’m going to slap you with a fish, because you’re talking nonsense. Your mind’s still tossing on the mopish ocean of your time with Lisa, and that makes you a moping tosser.’ He wagged a finger at me.
‘Okay. But why a fish?’
‘I don’t know. It doesn’t matter.’
‘It’s very random.’
‘Cut the small talk. The fact of the matter is that you shouldn’t be looking for anything deeper than a sexual relationship right now. You’re nineteen and you’re talking about cynicism. You sound like a pleb.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really. Go out and enjoy being young and carefree. Don’t get bogged down by women and relationships. You go searching for Lisa’s replacement and you’ll never be happy. Jumping into serious relationships will only lead to a mid-life crisis.’