Choices and Illusions (16 page)

demarcation between the two in psychological literature.

Stimuli

At the bottom of the diagram you find fight/flight over

anxiety/depression. In modern man, fight has become anxiety

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(preparedness to fight, a heightened state of arousal) and depres-

sion has replaced flight. In fact, in cases of chronic depression, the subjects have fled inward so much that they often withdraw almost

completely from the outer world.

notice that above the circle are indicated two forms of stimuli.

Real stimuli might be that old saber-toothed tiger or a .357 Mag-

num held to our head. now, why the synthetic stimuli? Synthetic

here refers to something that is not life threatening, as with a real stimulus, but to which we respond as though it were. In other

words, when our bodies go to the budget we identified earlier as

defense, the old anxiety and/or depression kick in. Whether the

stimulus is real or imagined (synthetic), our bodies respond chemi-

cally. For many individuals that synthetic stimulus can be a look

from their employer, a word from their significant other, a letter in the mail making some demand, or even someone cutting in front

of them and “flipping them off” during rush-hour traffic. Because

the synthetic stimuli are what most of us live with, it is fair to

ask: What makes these stimuli capable of triggering a fight/flight, anxiety/depression response?

let us look again at our model. We see rejection avoidance over

survival. It would appear that our need to be accepted, respected,

and so forth is weighted as equal or nearly equal to our drive to survive. A basic human need is acceptance. Whether this is to accom-

modate the so-called basic drives covered earlier or for some other reason is not so clear—but the fact is, we do all need to be accepted and loved. Something intrinsic is threatened when we are cut off

in traffic or met with disdain and rejection from another human

being, particularly one who has power of some kind over us.

What is also interesting about this synthetic stimulus is that

it is not the same for all of us. A stressful stimulus to some is a sought-after stimulus for others. One factor is universal, and that follows in a construct model of the mind. look again at our model.

Beneath the rejection/survival is something I have labeled “sub-

liminal beliefs.” Our subconscious beliefs, some of which we know

and some we do not, create a sort of calculus. Imagine a measuring

stick with -10 on one end and +10 on the other. At one end would

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be -10 units of pleasure (which becomes 10 units of pain), and at

the other end, 10 units of pleasure. Jeremy Bentham called this a

“hedonic calculus.”1 Using this measurement, we can scale belief

from a point of love/peace/security to anger/fear. On opposite ends of the line in our model representing these unconscious, or subliminal, beliefs, we find a scale that can be thought of this way. Most human beings seek to feel loved and secure, and much behavior is

built around avoiding rejection. When our beliefs are threatened,

the result moves the scale toward anger and fear.

In the typical parenting/peer-related maturation process, each

of us receives a quantity of input. Some of it is positive, but much is negative. All the no/don’ts and self-limiting beliefs are posited here in our subliminal beliefs. Every time we have been told we are stupid, unattractive, fat or skinny, not old enough, not smart enough, and so forth, it has been recorded in our subconscious mind. These

no/don’ts combined with the “shoulds” and “oughts” form the

mold for our beliefs. Among them are those trainings that have

been acquired from our entertainment, like the right to get even.

All of this nonsense becomes what we believe—our reality, which

anchors our self-definition and experience and serves as a loop to

reinforce our beliefs. Our language, experience, and feedback have

been programmed without our conscious awareness or agreement.

Years ago I created a couple of acronyms for anger and fear.

They are circular. Anger =
A
N
asty
G
etting
E
ven
R
esponse. Fear

=
F
or
E
very
A
nger
R
esponse. So for every anger response, there is a nasty getting-even response. There is no such thing as anger

without fear. Some of the so-called tough guys in the world should

get this—there is no such thing as anger without a fear attached!

F
or
E
very
A
nger
R
esponse

there is

A N
asty
G
etting
E
ven
R
esponse.

What is the fear, you might ask? The fear can be any number

of things. It can vary from “you took something from me,” includ-

ing my space in the queue during rush-hour traffic (acceptance/

respect), to “you don’t believe the same way I do,” which again is

oriented toward avoidance of rejection.

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Blame

What I discovered with the prison inmates was the ability

to displace responsibility. A function not shown in our model is

known as blame. This is the way we escape responsibility, and

it too is defined by our culture. To justify irrational behavior,

thoughts, and so forth, even if we fail to recognize the irrational nature of it all, we blame. The inmates blamed. It was not their

fault, and we should understand that. The actual facts might be

quite different—not that some negativity wasn’t present—but many

people face the same obstacles and make entirely different choices

from criminality.

I like to think of obstacles as opportunities. Why not, after all?

It is much more pragmatic to deal with challenges in a positive

manner than in a negative one, if for no other reason than health

and personal well-being—the old body chemicals, remember?

Indeed, let me share a real pragmatic viewpoint with you. I have

learned to approach life with an attitude of gratitude. long before that became a popular idea, and largely from my own research and

work such as that with the inmate prison population, I discovered

that an antidote to negativity could be had by just changing the

way I defined certain things. So, when someone makes a comment

or something happens that might produce stress, anger, and so

forth, I invoke this little phrase:

“I can’t wait to see what good happens from this.”

I choose to look at the world as providing everything I need

right now. I choose to think that everything that comes to me does

so for some good. Finding that good might not always be so easy,

but thinking this way transforms the poison that might otherwise

accumulate in my body, such as cortisol. Cortisol is a chemical

stored in the body as a result of stress. Anger and fear, blame and shame are stressors that generate this chemical. Cortisol kills, literally. It has been linked to early aging and various diseases, as well as brain degeneration. It is not something any rational person really wants to create, let alone save.

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So with my new attitude, I pulled into my office parking lot

one bright summer morning. As I passed a video store in the same

strip mall, a driver suddenly backed from his parking stall into the side of my new car. Smash! My first thought was not my preferred

one, but I quickly adjusted and rather snidely said aloud to myself,

“I can’t wait to see what good happens from this!”

The driver of the car that slammed into me jumped from his

vehicle, yelling obscenities. He claimed that I had hidden behind

his old beat-up jalopy just so he would hit me.
Right,
I thought.
I
hid my new Cadillac behind your junk heap just so you could hit me.
I only smiled at the older man and his cussing. As it happened, law-enforcement officers were in the parking lot and saw the entire

incident. They too got an earful of how I had hidden behind the

jalopy just so I could get hit. It was sad—except that it was funny.

This older gentleman had no insurance or driver’s license. That

didn’t matter to me, because my insurance policy covered unin-

sured motorists. Well, the long and the short of it is my car was

fixed as good as new, my body chemicals were those of laughter,

although I did not laugh at the man, and his body chemicals—well,

you get the picture. The pure pragmatist in me saved who knows

how much cortisol from my system and, as with the flowerpot,

what good would getting mad have done anyway?

Undoing the Blame Game

Back to our prison inmates. Their mechanism, blame, essen-

tially displaced their personal responsibility. Further, unlike most people, their self-esteem social issues gave rise to a philosophy that can be stated this way: “If I’m no good, then you aren’t either.” This is an inverted form of the “I’m okay, you’re okay” idea. As such,

a sort of “do unto others before they do unto you” credo existed,

even if they did not overtly recognize it.

Here was our clue—now we could plan what to say on our sub-

liminal program. We had to undo the blame game. As I mentioned

earlier, there are essentially two ways to be tied up in the world.

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Someone can physically bind you or you can hold on to some

thread and refuse to pull it hard enough to break it, and you are just as tethered as if you were actually tied. Holding on to blame is the same as being tied up. Until it is released, there is nothing you can do about anything, because, after all, it’s not your fault. If it is not your fault, then how can anyone, including you, expect you to take

responsibility for the issue? If you are not responsible, then you are not empowered to make changes. In other words, the blame game

disempowers—directly. Indeed, to the precise extent we blame

anything or anyone, we surrender our empowerment franchise.

Bad-luck fortune-cookie collectors.

Interestingly, however, there are those who cling to their

“right” to blame. I have a friend in South Africa who is a lie-

detection examiner. He has a model I like. He calls it something

else, but we’ll call it the “bad-luck fortune cookies” game. So, this is the story of these special cookie collectors. They go through life collecting all the cookies they can. Riding on the escalator of life, they will even jump high in the air to catch one, just so they can

put it in their backpack of life experience and share it later. And share they do. Each evening, whether at home or in the pub, on the

telephone or via e-mail, they tell their friends all about the cookies of the day. These sharings go like this:

First Person:
“do you know what happened to me

today? The clerk at the gas station wouldn’t take my credit

card because I left my purse at work with my identification

in it; and she knows me. Heck, she sees me nearly every

day—but she’s a real grouch anyway.”

Second Person:
“That sucks, but do you know what my

boss said to me today? He informed me that I was always

late from lunch and told me in no uncertain terms that I

would either be on time or lose my job. He knows that the

traffic is horrible at lunch, and he’s always gone more than

an hour. I should just tell him to stuff it!”

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Third Person:
“Your day was nearly as bad as mine. I

had a damn cop stop me for almost nothing. Everyone in

traffic was changing lanes, and just because I cut in front

of him, he gave me a ticket. That’s my third one this year,

and my insurance costs are going to go through the roof

as a result. These damn cops should be out catching real

criminals, not honest, tax-paying citizens.”

First Person:
“life sucks. Is your husband still being a

jerk? Oh, but you know, speaking of insurance rates, my

insurance company canceled my insurance just because I

was late with their payment. Then that
blankity blank
that

ran into me led to a fine for my not having insurance. And

on top of that, they blamed me for the accident, and it

wasn’t my fault!”

By now you get the idea. These people gather to share their

cookie stories, and that is largely what their social life is all about.

If you want to have some fun, step up to the cookie keepers and

point out how wonderful life is. You might even explain the blame

game and cookie-keeper philosophy, but make sure you have a plan

for a quick retreat.

Cookie Keepers

Cookie keepers choose, whether or not they want to admit it, to

hold tightly to the blame game. An otherwise productive and joyful