‘Thanks,’ she said with a wry grin, ‘but then, neither of us had ideal parents, did we? Your mother dumped you with Aunt Nan soon after you were born and you’ve hardly seen her since, and your father was a passing fancy who went off to India and addled his brains with drugs.’
‘He was quite good-natured about having a daughter when I tracked him down, though,’ I said, ‘even if had to keep reminding him who I was every time he saw me, because he forgot. What about your father, Bella? Doesn’t he think your mum’s gone a bit over the top with the house-proud bit?’
‘He likes a neat house and no fuss too, so he wouldn’t understand what I was talking about. They love Tia – don’t get me wrong – but they’ve got even more inflexible in their ways and habits since I was last living at home. But perhaps I can rent somewhere soon, if I get lots of typing work,’ she said optimistically. ‘I wonder if the cottage attached to yours will come up for rent. It’s been empty for months. Still, even if it does, I expect it would be more than I could afford.’
‘I don’t know what’s going to happen to it. It might even become a holiday let again. That was what the owner bought it for. She was an actress, and then Aunt Nan heard that she’d been killed in a traffic accident just after being offered a part in
Cotton Common
,’ I said, mentioning the popular TV soap that was shot locally.
‘Yes, she told me – and your stepsister Marcia’s already got a part in
Cotton Common
, hasn’t she? She must be living up here too, at least some of the time.’
‘She is. She’s got a flat in the old Butterflake biscuit factory in Middlemoss. Lars said he hoped we’d manage to see a bit of each other, but I would so much rather not get together with either of my wicked stepsisters! I don’t know how such a nice man came to have such horrible daughters.’
Lars was my mother’s second husband – she was now on to number three – and much the nicest of any of them. He’d rung me just before I left London to wish me happy Christmas. There was a large parcel from him awaiting me when I got here, which I knew would be a very lavish present.
‘I thought you were getting on slightly better with Rae?’ Bella said.
‘Not really, it’s just she comes round to the flat occasionally if it’s the nanny’s day off and Charlie isn’t at school, because I don’t think she has any idea what to do with him. He’s a nice little boy, about Tia’s age, and he loves my
Slipper Monkey
books – his nanny has to read them to him at bedtime every night. I always make him a pipe-cleaner monkey to take home, too. I wish Rae wouldn’t keep dropping in, though, because Justin doesn’t like her. He’s quite rude to her sometimes.’
‘At least there’s one of your boyfriends who doesn’t find your stepsisters irresistible,’ Bella offered.
‘True. It was a huge relief when he met Rae and Marcia and didn’t get on with either of them. In fact, I’m starting to think that’s the main reason I’m staying with him,’ I said gloomily.
‘I thought you loved him?’
‘I do … I did … I … well, we
were
in love. It’s totally unmistakable, isn’t it? That eyes-meeting-across-the-room thing – or across a plane seat, in our case. It was a real case of opposites attracting, and the first year it was all wonderful: we got engaged, I moved in, we were going to get married and start a family right away … as soon as I lost a couple of stone.’
‘I still can’t believe he was serious about that!’
‘No, I thought he was joking for ages, but he was deadly serious. And I’ve put on
another
stone since then,’ I said sadly.
‘You’re still only nicely covered
. I
could do with a bit of that.’
Bella had the opposite problem, for despite eating healthily she stayed almost painfully thin. People thought she had an eating disorder, but it wasn’t that. She always looked very striking and elegant, though, even in jeans and a cardi – a real yummy mummy.
‘The only time I looked really healthy and had boobs was when I was expecting Tia. I liked being pregnant, but Robert thought I looked gross, a total turn-off.’
‘Yes – babies … that’s another thing I wanted to talk to you about, but somehow I couldn’t do it on the phone.’
Her face lit up. ‘You’re
not
, are you?’
‘No, I’m not – it’s the opposite problem, in fact.’ And I told her about my fertility MOT and the iffy result.
‘Basically, my chances of conceiving naturally are limited to a pretty narrow window of opportunity and diminishing rapidly, so I should get a move on.’
She hugged me. ‘Oh, Tansy, I’m so sorry! But surely when you told Justin he must have –’
‘He doesn’t know yet,’ I broke in. ‘I wanted to think things through over Christmas first, because when they gave me the results, it made me look at the last few years with clear eyes and realise how different our relationship has become. Opposites attract, but maybe we’re just too unlike each other, and if it isn’t going to work out then I can’t stay with him just because I’m desperate to have a baby, can I?’
‘I suppose not,’ she agreed. ‘How have things changed between you, then?’
‘Well, all the things about me he used to say were cute or quirky, like my clothes, for instance, now seem to embarrass or annoy him.’
‘Your clothes are often unusual,’ she admitted, ‘but they suit you. I mean, that’s just the way you are.’
I was dressed in wine-coloured corduroy jodhpurs and a Peruvian jumper covered in green, red and blue llamas. I had a matching Peruvian hat with ear flaps and tassels, but of course it was too hot to wear that in the pub. On my feet were blue Birkenstock clogs.
‘In fact, I’m the only one of your friends who wears boring clothes,’ she said.
‘Not boring, understated,’ I corrected. Muted colours and quiet elegance really suited her. ‘Justin says you always look nice.’
‘I’m not sure that’s a compliment, from him,’ she said dubiously. ‘What does he think about Timmy? His clothes are even weirder than yours, not to mention the hats!’
‘Oh, well, being a hat maker, he uses his head as a marketing tool. But Justin’s made it clear he doesn’t like him and he wouldn’t even come with me to Timmy and Joe’s civil partnership ceremony.’
‘That spotted prom dress with the red underskirt you wore to the wedding looked lovely in the pictures.’
‘Timmy made the dress and the hat – he is so clever!’
‘I wished I could have been there,’ Bella said wistfully.
Timmy, Bella and I had been friends since infants’ school, and while Bella had trained to be an air hostess, Timmy and I had headed down to London, to art school – fashion in his case, graphic design in mine.
‘Justin’s become such a skinflint too. He wasn’t like that at first, but suddenly he started saying we had to economise and couldn’t afford to get married, couldn’t afford to move to somewhere out of town, couldn’t afford to have children … I mean, he earns a big salary – he’s a hospital consultant!’
‘And you aren’t doing too badly with the
Slipper Monkey
books either, are you?’
‘No, I’m doing
really
well. I tried to aim the mix of words and pictures at early readers in the five-to-eight-ish age range, but they seem popular now even with adults. They may even be a minor cult!’
‘I’m not surprised. The illustrations are lovely,’ Bella said loyally. ‘It’s the way you use spiky ink lines to suggest the wiriness of the little monkeys and bright watercolour wash for the soft fuzziness of the fur. They’re quite magical.’
‘It’s nice when your best friend is your biggest fan!’ I said. ‘My agent says there’s talk of spin-off items, like toys and games now. In fact, I don’t really need to do the foot modelling any more. I could give that up and wear decent shoes.’ Despite the success of the books I still did a little foot modelling for adverts and catalogues. Immy got me into it when I was a student – she said the only beautiful bit of me was my feet – and I signed up with a specialist agency. It was quite lucrative, but I had to take real care of my feet.
‘I’m not sure I can imagine you in anything other than Birkenstock clogs and sandals,’ Bella said honestly. ‘Do you still secretly wear your wedding shoes?’
Apart from Aunt Nan, Bella was the only person who knew that the first thing I’d done when I’d got engaged was splash out
hundreds
on the ivory satin wedding shoes of my dreams, really girlie ones, with thin crossed straps over the instep, trimmed with lace and crystals … And yet several years later, the wedding was still just a dream.
‘Yes, when Justin’s out – he has no idea! I suppose it’s a family tradition, in a way, what with Aunt Nan always taking afternoon tea on Sundays in her wedding dress, like a latter-day Miss Havisham.’
‘She looks very pretty in it,’ said Bella loyally, long acquainted with the vagaries of the Bright household.
‘My wedding shoes are getting a bit worn,’ I said gloomily, ‘but it’s not looking like they’re going to be carrying me up the aisle any time soon.’
‘So, Justin’s penny-pinching, critical of your clothes, appearance and friends, has gone off the idea of marriage and children …’ summed up Bella.
‘Mummy Dearest doesn’t help, pouring poison into his ear all the time. She seemed to loathe me even more about the same time Justin went all skinflint. And Justin doesn’t even respect my work; he always talks about it as if it’s a hobby, rather than my job.’
My compulsive habit of twisting colourful fuzzy monkeys out of pipe cleaners and leaving them hanging about all over the flat also seemed to be driving him mad.
‘Well, that’s the minus side,’ Bella said brightly. ‘What’s he got going for him?’
‘Apart from being tall, charismatic and handsome? Aunt Nan always said he was like Dr Kildare from some old TV series, and when I looked it up on Google I could see what she meant. Only she also said she’d never trust a man who looked like that!’
‘So he’s tall, handsome and also a well-paid young orthopaedic consultant – which probably means he can delegate evenings and weekends to some lesser doctor, doesn’t it?’
‘Yes, it’s not really the sort of thing you get called out in emergencies for. But he’s actually not so young any more, he’s about to hit forty. I do wish he wouldn’t go on as if we’re practically living on the breadline. He was even miffed when I wouldn’t accept an allowance from Lars, though I don’t see why the poor man should pay out for me, when my mother was married to him for only a couple of years.’
‘Nice of him to offer.’
‘Lars keeps trying to persuade me to change my mind, but I won’t. I do accept his lovely presents, though.’
‘So come on, what other good points does Justin have?’
‘Charm – though he doesn’t often direct it at me these days. And he can be very affectionate and persuasive. He says he wants me to lose weight only for my own health, for instance …’
‘Yeah, right.’
‘But then, he loves my baking and sulks if there’s nothing in the cake tin, or I haven’t made a fresh bara brith loaf.’
‘All that baking’s not exactly going to help you with the weight loss, is it?’ Bella pointed out.
‘No, not really,’ I sighed. ‘He does think the foot modelling is a good thing. He’s quite proud of my doing that, oddly enough, and tells everyone I have beautiful feet. He doesn’t even object to my slathering my feet in Vaseline each night and then wearing cotton socks in bed.’
‘Secret foot fetishist?’ she suggested doubtfully.
‘Maybe … but you can’t build a relationship on
that
! No, I think we’ve been drifting slowly further and further apart and perhaps he doesn’t really love me any more – or not the real me. And I want the Justin I fell in love with, not this version,’ I said sadly.
‘Maybe there’s an “IOU a wedding” voucher in your Christmas present from him?’ she suggested.
‘I doubt it. I know he gets the wife of his best friend to buy my presents because they’re always the caramel-coloured cashmere jumpers she wears herself – the ones I pass on to you, because that’s the last colour that suits me.’
‘I love them, but it would be nicer if you had a present that suited you instead,’ she said. ‘Did you leave Mummy Dearest a present? I take it she’s moving in for Christmas as usual?’
I grinned. ‘Yes, and her present is a plastic cactus plant in a pot. It flashes on and off and plays
“La Cucaracha”
if you go near it.’
‘Justin used to buy you flowers and chocolates all the time, didn’t he, and book expensive seats for musicals? Robert didn’t do any of that so I was terribly envious!’
‘He’s stopped that, and though he did give me perfume for my birthday, it was the flowery sort I don’t like. I’m strictly a spicy, mellow sort of girl.’
‘Flowery sounds like the sort of thing Mum gives me, too.’
‘I think your parents would get on like a house on fire with Justin. He’d live in a minimalist, clinical white box if he could, though you’d think he’d have had enough of that in the hospital during the day.’
‘His mother sounds almost as bad as mine, the way you told me she clears your things away whenever she comes to stay in your absence. I never feel the flat is really my home when I can never have things the way I want them, and Mum walks in and out tidying things away and rearranging everything.’
‘She should respect your privacy a bit,’ I replied sympathetically. ‘Apart from the intrusion when Mummy Dearest messes about with my belongings, the worst thing is that Justin
lets
her do it! Every last book, ornament, fuzzy monkey, even my shoes and clothes, will be in the boxroom when I get back after Christmas.’
‘That’s so hurtful!’
‘Yes, but Justin can’t really seem to see it, and when I lose my temper, he’s the one who goes all hurt!’ I then looked at her and said gratefully, ‘Oh, Bella, it’s been so good to talk it all through with you, because I feel I’m sort of coming to a crisis point, wondering if Justin is the right man for me after all, especially when my heart is up here in Sticklepond. Aunt Nan is worrying about the same thing, going by what she said yesterday. She agrees with me, that I need to have it out with Justin when I get back, not let our relationship drift any further. And that’s what I’m going to do.’