Children Who Kill: Profiles of Pre-Teen and Teenage Killers (34 page)

But more and more people are turning to positive parenting. In 2001, the Open School Network – in partnership with Save The Children – produced a video called
We
Can
Work
It
Out,
subtitled
Parenting
With
Confidence.
The video is a before and after look at children who were parented with criticism then parented with praise.

During the criticism-based parenting, the children behaved exactly as the adults did. That is, if the parent shouted then the child shouted. If the parent pointed aggressively then the child pointed aggressively. The segment was called Copy Cats and explained how ‘much of our own behaviour determines the behaviour of our children.’

The parents then went on a parenting course and began to praise the good things that their children did rather than concentrating on the negative. The result was happier parents and more responsive children. Even parents with autistic children were helped as clinicians showed how to make a bedroom a pleasant place for an autistic child who had previously been very distressed when left in his room.

The video showed that children mainly felt fear
when a parent was angry and that the child learned little or nothing from the verbal or physical assault. But when parents acknowledged their children’s good behaviour – even the little things – the entire family became happier.

Parents on such positive parenting courses find that they get results when they are loving and give praise – not when they shout and criticise and hit.

Slowly, the world is becoming aware that corporal punishment by parents promotes violence and constitutes an assault. Sweden was one of the first to ban smacking, doing so in 1979. They’ve subsequently seen impressive reductions in youth convictions for theft and for alcohol abuse. At the moment, over fifty children a year die in Britain at their parent’s hands and more than three thousand children a year die in America at their parents’ hands – but Sweden has only had one such death in the past seven years.

In 1983 Finland followed, as did Norway in 1987 and Austria in 1989. The nineties saw further strides towards abolition with Cyprus banning all corporal punishment in 1994, Latvia in 1998 and Croatia in 1999. Germany followed in 2000, for their research showed a clear link between hitting a child (which included even light smacking) and later adult violence. Italy, South Africa and Belgium have also made anti-corporal punishment statements that have yet to be
confirmed in legislation. Sadly, both America and Britain still take a punitive stance.

Gavin de Becker, the survivor of a violent home, went on to establish a forty-six member agency which specialises in predicting violence. He has written that it is crucial that we stop mistreating children and view them ‘not as temporary visitors who will someday grow into citizens, but as fully fledged, fully contributing, fully entitled members of our society just as they are right now.’

Murray Strauss an expert on family violence has said ‘I want to see a national effort to help people avoid using physical punishment… 99% of the physical punishment that goes on, parents don’t want to hit their kids. They just feel it’s necessary for the child’s own good.’ He adds that most of these parents haven’t even considered alternative methodologies.

Strauss explains that when Sweden introduced a complete ban on smacking in 1979, three quarters of the population were against it. Nowadays, three quarters of Sweden’s population are in favour of the ban.

But we don’t have to wait for a change in the law before we create a non violent future. Adults who dare to recognise how their parents damaged them can avoid making the same mistakes.

Dorothy Rowe has written that though we may not be able to forgive such parents we can pity them ‘just
as we can pity the child we once were, and so remember our past with sadness and mourning. Those of us who suffered in childhood, and most of us did, can never again live in total bliss, but it is better to live freely with sadness than to trap ourselves in denial and depression.’

Sadly, at the moment such depression is rife. More than seven thousand people in the UK commit suicide each year. That is, someone kills themselves every seventy-nine minutes. And one in four people will be deemed mentally ill at any one time. Depression is now so common that it often goes unremarked and we are becoming a Prozac nation. The UK anti-depressant market is valued at 600 million pounds, the second largest in the world. It’s no accident that both child abuse and subsequent adult depression are on the rise.

Paul Mones dedicates his book
When
A
Child
Kills
‘to all the children who suffer silently at the hands of their parents.’ He especially thanks those children he interviewed who have to read his words from the confines of their dimly lit cells.

Most of these children will eventually be freed and have their first chance of happiness – assuming they aren’t killed by enraged members of the public. Ironically these members of the public will make no connection between their own humiliating childhoods and their current aggressive stance. So misery is passed on from generation to generation, for as the philosopher Santayana said ‘those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’

Childline – a 24 hour free helpline that any child in distress can call.

Tel: 0800 1111

National Society For The Prevention Of Cruelty To Children – a 24 hour free helpline that anyone who fears a child is being hurt can call. Tel: 0808 800 5000

Children Are Unbeatable! Alliance, 94 White Lion Street, London N1 9PF – an alliance of organisations and individuals seeking legal reform to give children the same protection as adults under the law on assault. They also promote positive, non-violent discipline. For a membership form, send an SAE marked ‘Please Send Membership Details.’

EPOCH, 77 Holloway Road, London, N7 8JZ. For a free copy of the leaflet
The
Anti-Smacking
Guide
To
Good
Behaviour
by Penelope Leach, send an SAE marked ‘Penelope Leach Leaflet.’

Kidscape, 2 Grosvenor Gardens, London, SW1W 0DH. For a free copy of the leaflet
Why
My
Child?
which helps parents deal with the sexual abuse of their child, send a large SAE marked ‘Why My Child?’