Authors: Robert Muchamore
Lauren’s confidence plunged as she jogged uphill, trying to catch Hayley. With James going on a mission inside a week they had to act fast, and there was no plausible reason for James to be hanging around a girls’ school on a Monday morning. This left Lauren with the awkward task of setting up a date, and while she’d felt OK about the idea the previous night, the whole plan now seemed rickety.
‘Excuse me,’ Lauren said, as she tapped Hayley on the arm.
Hayley was three years older than Lauren and she turned around with
who the hell are you kid
all over her face.
Lauren’s head was spinning. So many things could go wrong: Hayley might be grounded, she could already have a boyfriend, James might not be her type.
‘Hi, I’m Susan,’ Lauren lied nervously.
‘And why should I give a shit?’ Hayley growled.
Lauren smiled uneasily and put Hayley’s mood down to Monday morning blues.
‘This is going to sound so stupid,’ Lauren said. ‘You don’t know me, but I’ve seen you with your mates at the bowling alley. And my older brother, well, he
kind of
says that he likes you.’
Hayley suspected a prank and looked around suspiciously. ‘Why don’t you stroll on back to your giggly little chums before I slap you into next week?’
‘Please listen,’ Lauren begged. ‘This isn’t a wind-up, I swear. You’ve seen my brother at the bowling alley. He’s called James. He’s blond, muscley, I guess you
could
say he’s good-looking, but he’s dead shy around girls …’
Hayley stopped walking. ‘I think I know who you mean. He looks a bit like you, but he seemed more like a big mouth to me.’
Lauren grimaced. ‘Well … I mean, he is a bit loud but that’s just front. I mean, I think he’s liked you for a while, but he’s never had the bottle to go up to you.’
‘Since when did you go to St Aloysius?’ Hayley said suspiciously. ‘I’ve never seen you around.’
‘Just over a week. I mean, I was at Edgeton Comprehensive, over on the other side of campu— umm, the other side of the military firing range.’
Lauren realised her nerves were showing and that she was saying
I mean
too much.
‘He’s fit,’ Hayley said as she raised one eyebrow. ‘Fit enough to do better than a fat bird like me. So why’s he interested?’
‘Umm…Well, I think he likes fat…I mean
prefers
larger girls. I’ve seen him looking at magazines with big girls in.’
Hayley screwed up her face. ‘You mean he looks at pornos?’
‘No,’ Lauren gasped, realising that she’d said completely the wrong thing. ‘Look, we’re going to the bowling alley tonight. My brother will be there, but there’s gonna be a big group of us, so it won’t be like a date. Maybe you could bring a couple of your friends so it’s less awkward … And it’s half price on Mondays.’
‘Maybe,’ Hayley said. ‘But it’s short notice. I’d have to clear it with my parents.’
Lauren shrugged. ‘We could postpone. Tuesday or Wednesday if that suits you better.’
‘Roll up your sleeve,’ Hayley said, as she took her pack off her shoulder and began unzipping.
Lauren was confused until she saw Hayley pull out a black marker. She grabbed Lauren’s wrist and wrote a mobile number on her skin.
‘I’ll be home at about half four,’ Hayley said. ‘Tell James that I said he’s fit, but I’m not going on any date unless I’ve spoken to him first.’
‘Fair enough,’ Lauren smiled, taking care not to smudge the number as she pulled the sleeve of her blazer back down. ‘So, do you reckon you’ll make it to the bowling alley?’
Hayley tutted. ‘I don’t bloody know, just tell him to ring me later and I’ll see what he sounds like.’
‘Thanks,’ Lauren smiled. ‘He’ll be dead chuffed.’
James flipped his mobile shut and stepped out of the hallway into Kyle’s bedroom. Kyle, Bruce, Kerry, Rat, Lauren, the twins Callum and Connor and Rat’s mate Andy all stared at James, but he teased them by keeping his mouth zipped.
‘So?’ Lauren said anxiously.
James shrugged. ‘So I spoke to Hayley. She’ll be at the bowling alley with two of her mates at around seven tonight. I told her I’d buy her a hot dog and we’ll talk it over.’
Bruce slapped his thighs. ‘Good stuff.’
‘Remember, James, we need good photos,’ Lauren said. ‘So even if you’re not getting anywhere, at least try putting your hand on her knee or something.’
James tutted. ‘I’ve chatted up loads of girls, Lauren. I know what I’m doing.’
Kerry shook her head. ‘How many when you were supposed to be going out with me?’
James hated the way that Kerry kept having digs at him, even though their relationship had been over for months. He usually ignored it, but he was getting fed up.
‘I had to cheat on you, Kerry,’ James said bitterly. ‘I needed to get some action from somewhere instead of sitting in your room getting lectured on what I wasn’t allowed to do.’
Rat and the twins made
oooh
sounds which were followed by a tense silence and a look on Kerry’s face that could have melted a steel bar.
‘It’s finished between you and me,’ James said. ‘Get over yourself.’
Kerry stood up. ‘I
know
it’s over, James,’ she spat. ‘I just don’t want everyone to forget what a two-faced pile of dog—’
‘Hey,’ Kyle interrupted. ‘Ding ding, end of round three!’
‘I’m outta here,’ Kerry said, as she headed for the door. ‘This is a stupid plan and I don’t want anything to do with it.’
Kyle’s door slammed as Kerry stormed back to her room.
‘She’s a bitter little lemon,’ Rat said, which earned him a punch from Lauren. Lauren then nudged Bruce between the shoulder blades.
‘You’d better go after her and check that she’s OK.’
Bruce climbed reluctantly off the carpet. ‘What am I supposed to say? I’m no good at stuff like this.’
‘I don’t know,’ Kyle said, ‘but Lauren’s right. Go give her a cuddle or something.’
James waited until Bruce was out of the room before spreading his hands out wide and groaning. ‘What
is
Kerry’s problem?’
Lauren rested a finger on her lips. ‘Oooh let me see,’ she said sarcastically. ‘You went out with Kerry on and off for two years, during which time you constantly cheated on her. Finally, you dumped her for someone else and broke her heart. Do you think it might be that?’
James’ instinct was to throw something equally sarcastic back at his sister, but he knew he’d treated Kerry badly and ended up backing silently on to the spot of carpet where Bruce had been sitting.
‘And before anyone asks,’ James said, ‘I’m gonna chat Hayley up, maybe a peck on the cheek, but that’s
it
. Dana’s my girlfriend and I don’t want to do anything that might upset her when she gets back from Malaysia.’
‘You’re a gentleman and a scholar,’ Connor said, putting on a ridiculously posh accent.
‘Absolutely, old bean,’ Callum added, sounding even posher. ‘But will young Master Adams’ resolve stand up to scrutiny when the prospective beau is a female of a more attractive persuasion than Hayley Large-Brooks?’
‘For god’s sake!’ James groaned. ‘I hate it when you two speak in those stupid accents. It’s so immature.’
‘Face it, James,’ Rat said. ‘Everyone knows what you’re like. You’d cheat on Dana in the blink of an eye if you fancied the girl and thought you could get away with it.’
James was annoyed when he looked around and saw everyone nodding. ‘I’m not that bad,’ he spluttered. ‘You make me sound like some kind of complete pig.’
Lauren burst out laughing. ‘You made your bed, brother.’
*
Gossip had a way of exploding around campus and a lot of kids were in the mood for some light relief after the trauma of Gabrielle’s stabbing. Unfortunately for James, the two big rumours currently spreading around campus concerned him.
Rumour number one was that he was going to try and get off with Mr Large’s daughter. Rumour number two was that Hayley Large-Brooks was overweight. As is the way with rumours, the truth had become exaggerated and there was at least one group of red-shirts who’d heard that Hayley weighed over two hundred kilos and that James had to have sex with her in order to win a £50 bet.
The carers were used to fads on campus: nobody went fishing for two years then suddenly twenty boys started going every day. Scoubidous, Furbys, Beyblade and Pokemon had all done the rounds; but the staff were still surprised to discover a sudden appetite for bowling.
The queue for the minibus that typically took a dozen kids to the local bowling alley stretched back more than twenty metres and contained close to a quarter of the kids on campus.
James was embarrassed and Kyle was fuming. Someone had leaked the plan and if any of the staff found out they’d get in trouble. Worst of all, Mr Large still had friends on campus and if word of their revenge got back to him, Meatball would be in serious danger.
‘It’s a disaster,’ Lauren said, as she stood by the fountain outside the main building looking at the queue of cherubs. James, Kyle, Bruce and Rat were with her. ‘What
idiot
opened their big mouth?’
But Lauren herself hadn’t been able to resist telling her friend Tiffany; Rat and Andy had told a couple of mates in confidence; Callum and Connor
might
have mentioned something and Kerry had been overheard whilst badmouthing James in the dining-room.
And of course, some of those people had gone on to tell their friends in the strictest confidence, and by the time everyone had eaten dinner, most of campus had some idea of what was about to go down.
‘There’s no way we can go to the bowling alley with all that lot,’ James said. ‘I’ll have twenty idiots gawping at me the whole time and Hayley will suspect in ten seconds flat.’
‘We need a change of venue,’ Kyle said. ‘What about Alien World?’
Alien World was one of those places where you put on plastic vests and shoot laser beams at one another, whilst running between chipboard partitions with spaceships and three-eyed monsters painted on them. As campus had a live-ammunition shooting range and a paintballing arena that was fifty times cooler, nobody from CHERUB ever went there.
‘Sounds perfect,’ James nodded. ‘But do you reckon Hayley will go for it?’
Kyle shrugged. ‘I can get a people carrier out of the car pool and drive you there. But what excuse are we gonna use?’
Rat was a master of excuses. ‘Tell them that you called the bowling alley to book a couple of lanes, but that it’s all booked up,’ he said.
‘But it’s Monday night,’ Lauren noted. ‘It’s always empty on a Monday.’
Rat shrugged. ‘Then say that there’s a special event on: a works outing or something.’
James liked Rat’s idea. He pulled his phone out of his jacket and hit the last number button to call Hayley.
‘Hi, it’s me again. Have you left home yet …? Great. Listen, you’re not gonna believe this but I called the bowling alley to reserve a couple of lanes and the whole joint has been booked out to some big party of computer salesmen. I was wondering if you fancied going to Alien World instead?’
Hayley burst out laughing. ‘How old am I, nine? Besides, I get completely shagged out running around in those places.’
James looked up from the phone and mouthed: ‘
She’s not buying it
.’ Lauren and the others all looked disappointed.
‘Well is there anywhere else you can think of?’
‘Are your mates going to Alien World?’ Hayley asked.
‘Yeah,’ James said uncertainly. ‘At least I think they are.’
‘Tell you what then,’ Hayley said. ‘There’s a steakhouse on the other side of the lot to Alien World, next to KFC. We can go there while your mates are in Alien World. They do an all-you-can-eat buffet for six-ninety-nine on a Monday, but you’ll have to pay my share, ’cos I’m broke.’
‘Cool,’ James said enthusiastically. ‘That sounds perfect, just you and me.’
‘Well it’ll probably be my mate Rosie and her boyfriend Dean as well, but we can always ditch ’em if things get interesting.’
James got carried away for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ he grinned. ‘Maybe they’ll get interesting.’
He was ecstatic as he ended the call and looked at his friends. ‘It’s going down at the steakhouse opposite Alien World. And the way she was talking … Well, let’s just say that she sounded like the kind of girl who’s going to provide us with some good photo opportunities.’
‘But if we’re all in Alien World, who’ll be there to take photos?’ Kyle asked.
‘Oh …’ James said. ‘We’ll need another couple to go in with us.’
‘Me and Rat could do it,’ Lauren said.
James shook his head. ‘No offence, but I can hardly turn up on a date with my little sister and her pee-wee boyfriend.’
Rat scowled at James. He didn’t appreciate the description.
‘Kerry’s only sitting in her room sulking,’ Bruce said. ‘I could
try
persuading her.’
‘That’s gonna make my life awkward,’ James said. ‘Isn’t there anyone else?’
Kyle looked at his watch and shook his head. ‘We haven’t got much time. Bruce, you’d better run upstairs and invite Kerry to dinner.’
‘Beg if you have to,’ Lauren added.
*
The steakhouse was busy for a Monday night, but James was underwhelmed by the crushed velvet seating and carpet dotted with shiny black patches. He was even less impressed when he found out that the £6.99 buffet didn’t include drinks. It might have been Kyle and Lauren’s plan, but he doubted they’d be queuing up to refund his twenty quid.
Bruce wore chinos and a smart black shirt, while Kerry had made a quick change into a denim micro-skirt and a figure-hugging top. James could hardly stand being in the same room with Kerry these days, but she was still sexy and he couldn’t help feeling jealous when Bruce felt up her bum while they waited for Hayley, Dean and Rosie to arrive.
Rosie was cute, with rows of straight teeth and big red hair. Dean was older, maybe seventeen, and he held a carrier bag containing a McDonald’s uniform. He said that he’d have to leave early because his shift started at nine and he had to get two buses across town to reach work.
Hayley herself looked surprisingly good. Not eyes-out-on-stalks beautiful, but she wore a green flower-print dress that suited her curvy figure and white pumps. She was too bulky for James to fancy her, but he reckoned she was only a couple of hours a week on the Stairmaster away from being quite attractive.