Cheaters Anonymous (10 page)

He sighed, leaning his back against the pole and stretching his legs out in front. An image of him snaking his body around that pole flashed in my mind. I couldn’t stop staring at his flexing abs each time he moved or even breathed; but today, unlike the weekend, Scar was holding back.

“This is too much and too soon. I know. I’m sorry.”

I should have given him the space he’d asked for, and maybe given myself more time to think about us than I had. But I was never good at dealing with emotions and feelings or knowing what to do when a man was in my life, because honestly, I’d never had a man in my life before – at least not one I cared about so deeply.

“No, I’m glad you came. It’s just a surprise.”

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“Yes.”

I didn’t want to push. He’d need to tell me on his own if he wanted me to leave. It would sting, but that way I could at least keep my distance. Maybe it was better this way – before we got involved any further.

“I look at you, here, and I can’t stop the fantasy of laying you down on this floor. Right here.”

Whoa!

“Don’t doubt me, Jules. When I said I want this, I meant it. Just because I said I needed time, it doesn’t mean that I stopped thinking about you. You fill every second of my day. And I know you have questions and you’re confused, because so am I.”

“I’m just not handling being without you the way I thought I would. I never had this happen before. My mind is playing tricks on me. I’ve just believed that relationships are not possible for so long, it’s hard to come to terms that I’m even considering one.”

I wanted to add that I’d kept wondering whether Scar needed time to send away all the women who probably clung to his side every chance they could, but I didn’t. I’d never had to deal with this ugly feeling of jealousy, and it sucked.

“This will be difficult for both of us. You’re the last person I’d want to hurt, Jules, and I need to make sure that I commit to this with the last fiber of my being. I want to be everything you ever imagined a good man to be, and since I’ve never been one, it makes it hard to gauge what it takes. I want to give you all that I have and all that I am, I just don’t know how. At this moment I need to make changes in my life to continue this. And they’re big ones. And if I’m not successful, I may lose you before I even have you.”

What changes?

Scar was right. We both needed the time away, and I had just ruined it. He lifted my chin with his finger.

“You know, having you sad like this makes me wonder if I’m already screwing up.”

“You’re not, Scar.” During our conversation I had somehow ended up by his side. I lifted my hand to his chest and traced my finger over one of the dozens of white marks on Scar’s body. Some were more velvety than others. Each ripple had different texture and depth.

“How did you get these?” I asked.

I’d seen them before. It hadn’t been unusual for me to discover a new one once in a while when we were in high school, but I had never asked.

He sighed. “Most of them are from fights.”

“What fights?”

“It’s not important. I need time, Jules, to clean up my business and give you the life you deserve.” He stood up and reached out for my hand. I grasped it and he helped me off the floor. We stood inches away from each other. The heat off his body added to the heat in the room. By now I felt as sweaty as he looked, and all I could think about was connecting my skin to his.

“If you were any other woman, I would be fucking you right now.” His hands rested on top of my shoulders, and his thumbs traced the edges of my collarbone, drawing to the hollow in my neck and back.

I held my breath at the searing touch as his words sank in. Part of me wanted to be that other woman – the one I would have been a year ago who would have seduced him by now and had him pounding between her legs within minutes. Why was it that I couldn’t be who I was?

Because it was sick and because it nearly killed you.

“But you’re way more than any other woman. Breathe, Jules.”

I sucked in a breath, only then remembering that I’d forgotten how to use my lungs.

“Come with me. It’s time I showed you something.”

He grabbed the t-shirt off the stage and pulled it over his head. I’d been hoping he’d forget about it, but maybe this way I’d be able to concentrate better on whatever it was that he was about to show me. I followed him out a door at the back of the club where a staircase led downstairs. My hand brushed the plush texture of the wall. I could touch it on each side with my elbows bent. The narrowness made me feel claustrophobic, and the dim light barely illuminating the space somewhat intrigued me. I felt like I was descending the stairs to hell, or at least something that reminded me of sin.

When my feet touched the carpeted floor, soothing lights turned on. Most of the decor consisted of purple and black tones, including fluffy wallpaper that was meant to absorb sound. It had black swirls of fabric encrusted on top of a plum-colored velvet.

“What is this place?” I asked.

“The day I left Colorado to buy the club, I was forced to make some decisions I’m not proud of. But at the time, it was the only way to invest in something of my own.”

The room was almost as large as the upstairs. Cushioned armchairs with tables and lamps lined the outer wall. Every so often there was a doorway covered with violet drapes that must have dragged along the floor when opened. A familiar tingling in my stomach made me wonder what went on behind the curtains. As a focal point, there was a bar in the center of the room, which not only contained bottles of liquor but also sex accessories. From hand cuffs to floggers, gags of all shapes, clamps and paddles, the display rounded the corner.

“Oh, my God.”

Scar wasn’t surprised by my whispered shock. “I didn’t want to show you this and scare you so early on. But if you feel you need to run from me, please do so now before it won’t be possible for me to let you go.”

I stepped closer to the center, and my glimpse at the dildos sent pleasing shivers through my body. “Why would I run?”

“This doesn’t freak you out?”

“The paraphernalia doesn’t. In fact, I think it’s cool. Wait, are you running a brothel?”

He chuckled. “No. It’s much worse than that.”

“What could be worse than that?”

“Have a seat, Jules. I have a feeling you may change your mind about running away after you hear this.”

I doubted anything he said could push me away, but I couldn’t help the sudden nerves that crawled along my skin up to my neck and tightened there.

“Part of the stipulation when purchasing the club was my partner’s ability to run another business here. It was the only way he’d invest the money needed.”

I had never thought Scar would be worried about money, and Scar was smart enough to see where my mind was going.

“My father cut me off right after I sold him out to FBI. He wanted to prove I couldn’t survive without him. He wanted me to be a lawyer again and follow in his footsteps. And all I wanted was to show him that I could do well on my own. We’ve patched things up since then, but I’ve already made the investment.”

“What is this place used for now?”

He let out a long breath. “Most of our clientele comes from our website ‘Onetimecheater.’ We provide a venue for married couples and those in a relationship who want to explore cheating.”

“Why would you do that?”

This was the exact opposite of what I’ve been doing the past two years – healing and staying away from such temptations, helping others to do so as well.

“The only way I could buy the club was if my partner pitched in and I supported this venture. And there was a market for it. People are curious. We provide background checks and anonymity. We make sure that a husband will not run into his wife, and a boyfriend will not run into his girl. It works both ways. We have as many female clients as male. Everyone gets a medical report before they come in. Pairs are matched up based upon their preferences. Appointments are made well in advance. Everybody’s happy.”

“You said ‘One time cheater.’ How is that even possible?”

“There’s a fingerprint screening system. No one comes here twice.” He chuckled. “That came out wrong. The clients here, once they use our services, will not be able to do so again. It’s part of the appeal. They get to taste that forbidden fruit just once and move on.”

I walked across the room to the bar and picked up a set of fluffy handcuffs. “This is sick. Not the sex part. The cheating part.”

“I know.”

“Yet you’re part of this.”

“So you see, this is my dilemma. How do I commit to you when the foundation of my beliefs is as screwed up as this place? How do I not cheat once I’m with you, Jules? How do I give you everything that I want when I’m a hypocrite who can’t even live up to the rules of his own business?”

Then it dawned on me. He’d used this place for himself.

“Do you want to ask me how many women I’ve fucked here?”

Feeling the pressure build behind my eyes, I shook my head.

“A lot, Jules. Do you want to ask me how many times I’ve fucked the same woman twice?”

I shook my head again.

“None. Because I’ve never wanted to. I never felt the desire to – until you came back to my life. So if this is something you can deal with, I really want to make us work. But if it’s too much, I will understand. It’s better to get out of this now than later.”

I would be a hypocrite if I pushed him away. I’d been looking for that feeling of bliss for years, screwing everyone on the way to finding it, and almost dying. Besides, Scar wasn’t the only one holding onto dark secrets.

“You’ve never cheated in your life, have you?”

“No, but...”

“There’s no buts, Scar. I know you. I understand your fear because I’ve lived with it most of my life. If you’re trying to push me away, it’s a little too late for that. I’m not going to run. I should have given you the time you asked. I’m sorry.”

“You’re one of the most intelligent women I’ve ever known. If there’s anyone who can understand me, it’s you. If I could, I’d jump in feet first just so that I could have you in my arms every night. But I won’t do it until this is gone.”

“Gone?”

“We’d add an additional floor above the club for another stage. The upstairs would be used for the male dancers, and the main floor for the female ones. And I want this basement to be one where couples can enjoy an evening, together or separately, yet still be close to each other. Everything you see here would become an adventure for committed couples. We’d add that extra spice to their lives, make their fantasies come true, ignite that spark they’ve lost into a flame that will never stop glowing.”

The same thing my Cheaters Anonymous group had done for me over the past year.

My breath hitched in my lungs. “You’re turning this place around.”

“There just comes a time in your life when you need to make a change, and I think that time for me is now. It’s just a bit complicated to actually get the project off the ground.”

“Do you need money? Because I could help.”

“No, it’s not about money, Jules. It’s much more complicated. It will take time, but I’ll figure it out.”

“You’ve never used your father’s money, have you?”

“No. In high school, besides selling the weed, I was part of a fight club. I got paid to be in a ring with brutal men.”

“Your scars...” I gasped.

“Yeah, they’re a lifetime reminder of what it’s like to get cut with a knife.”

“Why would you choose to go through this?”

“Don’t feel sorry for me. If I were smarter, I wouldn’t have been an asshole to Mom. I would have accepted my father’s infidelity, and maybe the therapy would have helped a bit sooner. But I will never regret turning Father in. It made the family better. Maybe it’s too late for me. Perhaps I lost the chance I had with you six years ago. But I wasn’t ready then. I had to be on my own – except I think I realized I was afraid to be with the right person.”

Was I that person?

“I know it’s a lot to take in, Jules, and I don’t want your answer right now. Think about it. It won’t be easy for me to let go of this. It was part of my lifestyle, but when I think about a future, I don’t want a different woman in my bed every night. I want what’s familiar. I am nothing close to perfect, but I want to be the man that’s perfect for you.”

Scar was right. This was way more than I expected. He had held onto his beliefs in infidelity and turned it into a business. But he wanted to change the same way I had. Unfortunately, that change wasn’t always as easy as we wanted it to be.

C
HAPTER
9

The time at home, away from work before I started my day shifts, dragged. It was only Tuesday, and I wasn’t scheduled at the hospital until Thursday. After I left Hounds I had tried to keep myself busy with laundry and cleaning up the house, but the distractions weren’t working. Scar occupied my mind every minute of every day. Each morning since I’d last seen him, I went for a run, wanting to lose myself in the effort of exertion. I pushed my legs forward until I could no longer feel them. As doubts about starting a potential relationship filled my thoughts I sped up, concentrating on the path in front of me. If we were going to make it work, I would need to commit like I never had before, and that was definitely a challenge. Although when Scar was with me, nothing felt easier.

The morning fog was still hovering over the grass as I jogged through Theodore Roosevelt Memorial Park. My lungs were beginning to burn as I left the fifth mile behind me – which was a good thing. It kept my mind occupied and my body concentrating on other things than Scar and all the ways I could make use of his sex toys. I stopped by a bench at the side of the path and stretched my legs while taking a much-needed break.

“Good morning, Julia. Or should I say, Doctor Blakely?” The familiar voice startled me. For a brief moment, hearing my professional name outside the hospital surprised me, and then I recognized Brad.