Charming the Firefighter (21 page)

“No, you didn’t. That’s what parents do. They make decisions for their children. All your life, I’ve lived for you. Do you have any idea how terrifying it is to love someone that much? So much that you’re willing to put their needs ahead of anything and everything else? Have you ever thought about how scared your father and I were when you were sick? It was all we could do to get through each day, hating that you were suffering, wishing it was us instead, and being unable to stop your pain.” The memory of Todd abandoning her hit with unexpected force. Some of the anger she’d suppressed then came out.

“Your dad turned to work, hours and hours of work to keep his mind occupied. Me? I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was getting you well. All I could do was read about treatments and pray and pray and pray some more that you’d pull through. That helplessness is the worst feeling in the world, especially when it comes to your child. But it was out of my hands.”

The truth of her words registered and she shut her eyes. “It was out of my hands,” she repeated on a whisper.

For so long, she’d thought it was all up to her to save him, to keep him safe and healthy. But some things were beyond a person’s control.

It was a frightening, and liberating, realization.

“Yes, I want you to be safe and healthy.” She blinked away tears. “And I want you to be happy. But if you can’t manage that last part on your own, if you don’t choose happiness, there’s nothing I can do or say to change that. So I’m going to stop.”

He looked shaken. “Stop what?”

“Stop trying so damned hard all the time. I can’t worry about you being happy. I’m going to focus on my own happiness instead of always worrying about yours. Because, you see,” she continued, sniffing, “I can’t make you happy. Only you can do that. It’s taken me this long to realize that and to realize that maybe bringing you here was a mistake.”

“We’re moving again?”

She shook her head. Wiped the wetness from her face. “I’m staying. But if you can’t or won’t obey my rules, if you don’t help out around the house and keep your grades up without me nagging you, if you refuse to treat me with respect—the respect I deserve—then you will no longer be welcome here.”

His eyes widened. “You’re kicking me out?”

“I’m giving you a choice. You can see about living with your dad or your grandparents, but you will no longer live here if you’re going to continue to be the selfish, rude, disrespectful person you’ve been. You won’t live here, because to be honest, I’m not crazy about this person you’ve become.” Feeling empowered and well-deserving of everything she expected of him, of everything she wanted, she evenly met his shocked gaze. “You have until Sunday at dinner to let me know your decision. But know this, once you do decide, you’ll follow through whatever that decision is.”

She walked away, proud of herself for finally being the parent Andrew needed.

Wishing she could call Leo and tell him about it.

CHAPTER NINETEEN

A
NDREW
’
S
HANDS
WERE
SHAKING
.

He set his head in his hands. His mother was going to kick him out. How could she? Where would he go? It was obvious his dad didn’t want him, and he didn’t want to live with his grandparents. He’d just gotten used to living here. He finally had friends.

Shit.

His throat clogged. What had he done? He wanted to blame his mom. He really did. And he tried to convince himself this was all her fault for being too strict, too overbearing and controlling, but he couldn’t lie to himself anymore.

But he really, really wanted to.

She’d cried. He wiped his palms down the front of his jeans. She’d handled the condom thing pretty well, but then she’d broken down and cried. He’d never seen her cry before. Never wanted to see it again. Even when he was sick, she’d been a rock, steady and always there for him to lean on.

He’d taken her for granted, and that shamed him.

A movement outside caught his eye, a flash of color. Gracie. His heart pounding, he raced out the door, not bothering to close it, just ran across the yard, his socks getting wet from the cold grass.

“Gracie,” he called. He tripped, landed on his knees, but was up again in a flash. “Gracie, wait.”

She didn’t. He chased her, hoping he’d get to her before she reached the front door. At the steps to her house, he caught her arm, swung her around.

She immediately yanked free. Stepped back and crossed her arms.

“Gracie.” That was it. All he could say, just her name. He hadn’t seen her since that morning in school with Kennedy. She’d gone home early and hadn’t returned all week.

“Andrew,” she said, sounding distant and cool, which was not like her at all.

He swallowed. “How are you? I mean, I stopped by the other day and your mom—your stepmom said you were sick.”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

But she wasn’t. She wasn’t acting like herself. She wasn’t looking at him like she used to, with warmth and love. Now she looked right through him.

His blood chilled. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

She lifted her chin. “About?”

“About, you know, what happened with Kennedy. I’m sorry we didn’t have room for you to sit with us at lunch. I don’t think you understood what I was saying.”

“I understood quite clearly. You didn’t want me to sit with you at lunch. You don’t want your friends to know you and I hooked up, or that we have hung out. You lied about our relationship because you’re embarrassed by me.”

He shook his head, chilled to the bone. “That’s not—”

“You’re ashamed to be seen with me because I’m not beautiful like Kennedy, because I don’t dress like her and her friends, because I don’t act like them. You told me you loved me so I’d have sex with you and now you think I’ll have sex with you again because I’m so pathetic and needy. That I’m so in love with you I’ll shove aside any small amount of pride I have, any self-respect, and open my legs for you whenever you want. And then you can ignore me or treat me horribly as soon as you’ve rolled off of me.” Her voice was flat, her eyes cold. “Does that about cover it?”

He wanted to throw up. Wanted to tell her she was wrong, about all of it. That of course he thought she was beautiful. “I...I...”

The denial stuck in his throat, choking him.

She looked at him with pity. Shook her head. “You lied to me. You used me. And you humiliated me. I don’t see what else there is for us to discuss.”

She turned to go and he knew he should let her, knew she was right about everything, that he didn’t deserve for her to hear him out, but the thought of her walking away made him feel as if he were breaking apart inside.

“Wait,” he said, not daring to touch her again. He leaped in front of her, blocking her from going into her house. “Just...give me two minutes. Please.”

“Two minutes.” She smiled, a thin, mean smile that should never be a part of who she was. “Only because Chandler is watching us and I don’t want him to get upset.”

Andrew glanced behind him, saw the kid with his face pressed against the smudged window next to the door. He’d never been so glad to see anyone in his life. “Okay. Sure.” But when he looked at her, he didn’t know what to say, or what to do to make this better.

But he had to try.

“You’re right, about a lot of things,” he finally said. “But you’re wrong, too. I did lie about us...hanging out. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry I treated you that way in front of Kennedy. I’m sorry I let her treat you that way and didn’t say anything. But I really do like you.”

Fury flashed in her eyes. “Don’t.” Her voice was sharp as a whip. “Don’t lie to me again. We both know you got what you wanted. Any girl would have done. I just happened to be there. I made it so easy for you, didn’t I? Fawning all over you. Eating up every word you said.”

“No. It wasn’t like that.” Not completely. “I did like you. I do. It’s just...I’m not even sure what love is. I mean, how am I supposed to know when I’m in love?”

“You’re not,” she said flatly. “Because if you were, you wouldn’t have to ask that question. So please don’t try to act as if you’re confused or whatever because of your past problems. I used to feel sorry for you. That you had to go through so much. You must love that, huh? Now you can use it as an excuse for treating people like dirt.”

He wanted to touch her. To take her hand and promise her he’d never hurt her again. He wanted to beg for her forgiveness. “Please, Gracie. I’m sorry. Just...give me another chance. A chance to make it up to you.”

“You want another chance?” She shook her head, stood rigidly in front of him. “To what? Be my boyfriend? You going to tell your friends we’re together? Hold my hand in the halls?”

He dropped his gaze. “It’s complicated...”

“It’s not. It’s so very simple.” She pushed past him and opened the door.

Chandler ran over, grinned at Andrew and held up his arms. “Up.”

“Gracie, I...” Andrew swallowed. “I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

She picked up Chandler and turned. Studied him then nodded slowly. “I believe you are. But I don’t forgive you. You don’t deserve my forgiveness. You used me. You knew I had feelings for you, and you used them to manipulate me. You made me feel stupid,” she continued, her voice not as strong, not as sure, and it tore him up inside, especially when he saw tears in her eyes. “But most of all,” she continued quietly, “you made me feel cheap. And I will never forgive you for that.”

She shut the door, not with a resounding bang, but a soft, quiet click that echoed in his ears. His vision blurred and he sniffed. Shoved his hands into his pockets.

He realized his mother was right. He wasn’t a good person. He hadn’t been for a long time. He just hoped he could change.

* * *

S
UNDAY
NIGHT
, P
ENELOPE
carried the pan of lasagna to the table and set it down. She’d hesitated about making it, mainly because doing so reminded her of when Leo had cooked for her and he’d told her no one threw together a lasagna.

She hadn’t. She’d asked Pops for his recipe. It had been nice speaking with him, seeing him, and now she had a new recipe. One that made enough for her and her son for at least eight meals.

Five if Andrew was really hungry.

He came in. Ever since their conversation a few days ago, he’d been quiet. Oh, him spending most of his time in his room was nothing new, but this was different. He’d been acting different, not sullen so much as...sad.

But she hadn’t asked him about it, was not going to worry. She’d realized that every emotion, every problem her son had did not need to be her responsibility. She refused to get upset or to try to coax him out of his silence as she would have done in the past.

She had her own issues and problems to focus on. Such as how she was going to get over Leo.

“Need any help?”

She glanced at Andrew, who looked like a little boy with his head ducked, his hands in his pockets. “You can get the drinks and salad,” she told him, not letting herself get overexcited about his lending a hand. “Thank you.”

A few minutes later, they sat down to eat.

She served them both huge slices of lasagna. It smelled delicious and was wonderfully gooey and cheesy.

Andrew frowned at his. “Are there mushrooms in here?”

“Yes.” She forked up a bite, blew on it then ate it. Fantastic.

“I don’t like mushrooms.”

She ate some more. “I know. Eat around them.”

Before she never would have added mushrooms to anything he was eating. She’d even stopped getting mushrooms on her half of their pizza because he claimed the smell contaminated his half.

No more.

Yes, she could have added mushrooms to only half the mixture, baked his half of the lasagna without them, but she was making a point. To him and to herself.

They ate in silence. More time for her to think of Leo. To miss him. Had she made a mistake in breaking things off with him? He must not be too upset seeing as how he hadn’t tried to contact her since that day. Yes, yes, she’d told him they were through, but if he really loved her, wouldn’t he have made more of an effort?

Maybe he’d been in it for the chase. Someone like Leo lived for adventure. She had provided that, hadn’t she? Simply by not falling at his feet, forcing him to convince her to give him a chance. And by being the complete opposite of the women he usually dated.

Andrew cleared his throat, bringing her out of her internal musings. “It’s good,” he said.

She blinked. “Excuse me?”

He flushed. “Dinner. It’s really good.”

“Thank you,” she said slowly.

He helped himself to another slice of lasagna and added it to his plate, which was littered with the remains of mushrooms. “About what happened the other day...” He pressed his lips together, then raised his head. “When we were fighting and the condom and everything. I...I’ve made up my mind.”

Her heart skipped a beat. Despite what she’d said about letting him choose to stay or go, she was still nervous. A part of her, a big part, didn’t want to let him leave. But she couldn’t live like this any longer. “Oh?”

“I want to stay,” he blurted. “Here. I mean, with you, whether that’s in Shady Grove, or if you decide to move somewhere else. Not that I want to live in your basement as an adult or anything. But until I go to college, I think the best place for me is with you. I want to be with you.”

Relief flooded her. “I’m glad. I love you. So much, and I have faith you’ll figure out all the things you’ve been dealing with. I’m here if you need me, though I won’t be asking you about them all the time. You need to come to me. If you need help, with anything, you let me know, and if you think you’d like to talk to someone...a professional...about what you’ve been through, what you’re going through now, we’ll work that out, too.”

“You mean like a shrink?”

“A psychologist. Or a counselor. Just someone you can open up to.”

“I’ll think about it.” He fiddled with his butter knife. “It’s okay with me if you want to date Coach...I mean, Leo. Not that you need my permission,” he added quickly, obviously having picked up a few things from their talk. “I just wanted to let you know I won’t be an asshole about it.”

“I appreciate that.” She sipped her wine, set it down carefully. “But Leo and I have decided not to see each other anymore.”

“Because of me?”

“Because we’re too different.”

He frowned. “So? What are you afraid of?”

“Leo is all about living in the now, living for the moment, and I look to the future. I like to plan and take things slow and think things through. He jumps into situations, then figures it out as he goes.”

Andrew sat back. “I used to be scared of the future,” he admitted quietly. “I guess I still am sometimes. I’m scared of getting sick again. Of dying.”

Her heart about stopped. “Oh, honey...”

“But I realized maybe there’s a way to live in the now and have hope for the future. That’s what you’ve taught me. To always have hope, no matter how bad things get.”

Shocked, Penelope sat unable to move while Andrew dug into his second helping of dinner. Always have hope. But it was fleeting, so nebulous.

And oh, so necessary. What kind of life would she have, what kind of world would this be, if there were no hope? Hope for her son to have a healthy future and a long life. Hope that Leo truly did love her, that they could build a life together.

Hope that she could get Leo back.

* * *

L
EO
,
GETTING
READY
to head into work for an extra shift, crossed the living room to answer the knock at his front door. The past week he’d taken on several extra shifts to get his mind off of Penelope.

It hadn’t worked.

He’d keep trying. Something would eventually kick in and he’d stop thinking about her.

He opened the door, and his hand tightened on the handle. Of course, that would be easier to do if she wasn’t standing on his porch.

“Penelope.” He sounded calm enough, but his stomach flipped. She looked so beautiful, her cheeks flushed from the cold, her hair blowing in the breeze. He could hardly stand to look at her. “I don’t mean to be rude but I was just on my way to work—”

“This won’t take long,” she said, her voice trembling slightly. She sounded and looked nervous. He’d be lying if he said he didn’t take slight satisfaction in it. “Please. I just need a few minutes.”

He sighed and let her in. “I hope you don’t mind if I continue getting ready.”

He didn’t wait for her answer, but went into the other room and gathered the things he’d need for his shift.

“I—I wanted you to know that Andrew and I had a long talk, several actually, and we’ve worked out quite a few things. I think we’ll be okay.”

“I’m glad.” And he was. He may be pissed at her for breaking his heart, but that didn’t mean he wanted her and her son to be at odds.

“You were right. About a lot of things.”

He froze. He hadn’t expected that. She constantly surprised him. “Such as?”