Charlotte Powers 1: Power Down (12 page)

xx48.11.24 / 15:22 / Thursday

Yesterday was pretty boring, there wasn't even self-improvement, just normal classes. All the students seemed to be around, though, and the teachers all stayed for the whole length of the class, no self-study. I'd say the mood of the student body yesterday was 'lethargic', and it was the same today, too. Tired and worn out, which is kind of how I feel as well. I'm not sure if that's a coincidence or not, though.

I think I have to become more proactive about investigating this. I think this mind control or whatever is affecting my motivation, making me easily distracted, stopping me from focusing on what's important.

C2 was a little strange today. Stranger than usual, I mean, and in a different way. I kept feeling like she wanted to ask me something, except she never did. Even when I flat-out asked her, 'is there something the matter?' she just said 'no' and then went all quiet. Maybe it's her friends, I actually met them yesterday, Douglas and Trilli (I think it's a nickname but I didn't get the chance to ask). Douglas is very shy and blushed whenever I tried to talk to him, Trilli said it's because he's not used to talking to girls. Which is really weird, because his two best friends are girls. Trilli's kind of ... trying to find a nice way to put this ... 'spacey'? She zoned out a lot and when she said anything it usually came out of nowhere and didn't make much sense. C2 was kind of weird around them, too. I guess because she knows they're being affected by the mood alteration, it must be difficult to see your friends change like that. I mean, I don't think they were QUITE as bad as most of the other students, but still. We can't trust them, of course. To be honest I don't even trust myself. I'm relying on C2 to tell me if I start acting weird or say anything sinister, it's her job to make sure I don't get 'controlled'. I'm not worried about her at all. She's so
stable
, I feel like nothing could change the way she is.

Gotta go now, more tomorrow.

xx48.11.25 / 15:20 / Friday

Ugh. Bad day today. Mood of the students: 'serious'. My mood: 'black'.

I guess I should confess this, I've been going out with Ray every night. I didn't write about it because ... actually I'm not sure why I didn't. Maybe I'm embarrassed. We haven't done anything. We haven't! Okay so he kissed me once, I turned my face so it was just on the cheek but I kind of didn't want to even have him kiss me there, I just ... it's
nice
, you know? Not him kissing me, I could have done without that, but he pays attention to me and he takes me to nice places and he tells me I'm pretty and even though I've been totally warned against how bad teenage boys can be by COUNTLESS books and TV shows and movies he's been, as they say, 'a perfect gentleman'. He's even stopped talking about himself so much, he's really interested in me—don't worry, I'm still being careful, I haven't given anything away, nothing important anyway. Well ... maybe a
few
things, just tiny things, like how I lived just with my family for most of my life and how my parents are kind of famous (but I didn't tell him why, definitely not!), and how I didn't really choose to come here (but no details, DEFINITELY no details!) but now that I AM here, I actually kind of like it. Which ... which wasn't a lie. It couldn't be, I can't lie. To be perfectly honest I'm not sure what my feelings are towards this place, towards going to school, towards all of this. Some things are 100% good, like meeting C2 and becoming friends with her. Other things are really bad, like this whole mind control thing (must investigate) and Veronica Flux (even if she hasn't done anything particularly horrible lately) (she's not even carrying around her flock of cronies any more, and last time she spoke to me it was to sincerely compliment my elegant solution to a teamwork problem).

But overall ... I don't know. Maybe I need to talk to C2 about this.

...

As usual, my best friend knew exactly how to make me focus. She listened to me pour my heart out about everything (not about who I really am or anything like that, I still haven't told her and I don't plan to, it's just ... just too complicated and not the right time), and then there was a nice long thoughtful silence, and then she asked:

"Do you regret coming here?"

And I had to honestly answer, no, I don't. Even if I could go back in time and change things, choose not to go through Daniel's teleporter or even force him to make SURE it works properly, I don't think I would. Because that would destroy all of the experiences I've had here, it would mean I never would've met C2 or experienced a real school, even if it is completely bonkers because of this mood control and whatever other sinister stuff is going on here.

By the way, I have to once again state how amazingly amazing C2 is. You know how I put how it was a bad day today? And how my mood is 'black'? It's because I had an argument with her. It was about Ray, as you might have guessed. She doesn't exactly
oppose
me going out with him but it gets annoying the way she keeps asking questions about everything—like she's checking on me, like I can't take care of myself. Of course I appreciate her concern but I'm my own person and I can make my own choices, I don't need her looking over my shoulder at everything.

Anyway, the argument ended with me storming off and I didn't apologise until I called her up just now, but she accepted it straight away and then was instantly ready to hear all my problems and resolve them for me. She's great. I still haven't figured out how I'm going to show her how much she means to me, but I'm sure I'll think of something eventually.

Oops, it's getting late. I have to get ready for tonight. Yes, it's a date with Ray, why shouldn't I enjoy myself? It's not like there's anything wrong with seeing him. Right?

xx48.11.27 / 13:02 / Sunday

I forgot about these 'no-energy weekends'. Even before my date with Ray was over I was feeling wiped out. He got a little bit weird about it when I excused myself early, he said he had some plans and would it kill me just to stick around a bit longer? But I really was so tired, I barely kicked my shoes off before I collapsed on to my bed and slept until Saturday afternoon. I managed to stay awake long enough to make some proper food and call C2 back (she left a message on Opal checking on me), and put the bar across my door (I was too tired to do it Friday night), then I slept again until now. I'm still really sleepy so I think I'll just give in, but I wanted to write this now. See you tomorrow.

xx48.11.28 / 07:45 / Monday

Feeling good today! There was a message from C2 and another from Ray when I woke up, both of them want to see me after school. I'm so popular! I'm going to meet Ray first right after class, then C2 and I are going to have afternoon tea here in my apartment. She's bringing the tea and biscuits, I just have to provide the kettle and teacups. I bought some nice ones when I was out with Ray last week, it'll be fun to use them.

Time to get ready for school!

xx48.11.28 / 12:54 / Still Monday

Mood of the student body: 'bright'. My mood: also 'bright'. When it makes me feel this good and energetic and positive, I'm almost happy about this whole mood control situation—of course I still have to investigate it, but I might as well enjoy the benefits, right?

Pretty usual morning, interesting discussion in Literature about free will versus determination, kind of appropriate considering the whole mood control thing. Most of the students took the position that free will was an illusion, that choices aren't really choices because everything has to start somewhere. At least I think that's what they were saying. It was one of those discussions where all the points got muddled and at the end nothing was really resolved, but it was fun anyway.

Interesting encounter with Veronica, too. I'm starting to think that she might not be a part of this thing, I mean maybe she's being 'controlled' too rather than being a 'controller'. She was really bright and chirpy and nice and friendly, she even asked about me and Ray in a totally unjealous way, she said it was nice that the two 'new kids' were getting along so well and that we must be good for each other, although she also warned me not to just focus on one person. I really got what she meant, it'd be easy to just ignore everyone else, but I told her that I actually already had another friend. She was surprised but seemed happy, although she didn't know who C2 was. I guess she's not that noticeable, she does try to be discrete, but at the same time she's pretty distinct. Now that I think about it, it's kind of weird that Veronica doesn't remember her. Maybe part of the control thing? It'd be weird if the reason Veronica was so horrible to me to begin with is because she was FORCED to. Maybe she really WAS nice to me that second day, maybe that was the real her and the horrible Veronica Flux was the result of sinister manipulation! That'd be terrible! Okay, for her sake as much as anything, I've got to get to the bottom of this!

First, though, afternoon class. It's maths with Ray so I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'll write more later!

xx48.11.28 / 17:23 / Still Monday

I am
awful
. I'm the worst. I'm the worst most awful friend ever. Yes, maybe you won't believe this, but I stood C2 up again. Do you know why I'm MOST awful? It's because I do something and I feel bad about it and I apologise and then I do the exact same thing again. Making a mistake is forgiveable. But then making the same mistake again? Totally UNforgivable. The worst part is that she always, ALWAYS forgives me. Maybe it's partially her fault—I'm not saying that to try to spread some of the blame on to her ... although I guess I am, actually. She just makes it so easy, I know she'll forgive me so I just ... just get 'weak'. And I had a good reason to stand her up! Kind of. Ray had this thing planned, it's silly really, I don't want to write about it, but it was kind of fun and thrilling and a little bit romantic. By the time I got back to my apartment it was already past four and C2 had gone home. That's part of how awful I'm getting, she only waited ten minutes for me then assumed (correctly!) that I was standing her up, and she very sensibly took the bus back to her house. We could avoid this kind of thing if she'd just get a phone or an Opal, but she's really stubborn about that for some reason.

Anyway. I've got to get ready, Ray's taking me out again, he's doing that special thing he was going to do on Friday—he postponed it, can you believe how sweet he is? I bought a special dress today, it's all green and sparkly and pretty, and it kind of hides (or at least distracts from) my lack-of-breasts. I hope he likes it.

xx48.11.28 / 22:36 / Still Monday

I'm not sure what to write here. I think I may be in some kind of shock. My hands keep trembling and I can't make them stop. Maybe I should have a cup of tea.

...

That didn't help at all, I spilled hot water on my hands. Boiling water, actually. Luckily I didn't get burnt, but that's the only good thing that's happened tonight.

Ray tried to ... well. To do things with me. Maybe I should write out the whole thing. I don't particularly want to relive it, but I'm too agitated to sleep and my heart's still beating too fast, and I feel sick and wobbly and kind of empty. Writing it down might help. If it doesn't I can always delete it.

Things started okay. We went to dinner at 'our' place, it's an outdoor restaurant near a small lake, they light lanterns at night, it's very pretty. Even from the start Ray was a bit strange, but I didn't think anything of it. He told me I was pretty a lot, even more than usual, although he didn't say anything about my new dress. Then after we finished eating we went for a walk along the lake and sat down on a bench and looked at the lanterns. He held my hand, which was okay, although after a while it gets kind of sweaty.

"You're really pretty, you know that Fumbles?" he said. He still calls me Fumbles but I thought it was cute. Like a cute nickname. When he said it I didn't mind. Not then, anyway.

In response I giggled. I did that a lot, when I was with him. Giggled. Not any more.

"I guess I tell you that too often," he said.

"I don't mind," I said. "You can tell me I'm pretty as many times as you like."

I think I'll skip the rest of my embarrassing chat with him. Let's go to the part where things went wrong.

"I know I'm not meant to do this," he said, "but you're too pretty."

"What do you mean?" I asked, but he was already putting his hand on my leg. I pushed it off, but he put it back.

"This isn't
wrong
," he said, but that wasn't the point, I didn't want him to touch me there so he shouldn't touch me there. I pushed his hand away again, but he put it back again, so I told him:

"I don't like that, stop it."

He did stop it, but instead he tried to touch my breasts. I REALLY didn't want that, so I told him again, "Stop it. Don't do that". He didn't listen, so I tried to stand up and get away, but he grabbed my arm. I pulled it away but he's got really big hands and he's strong, so I said, again, "Stop".

"I thought you liked me," he said.

"I don't like this," I said. "Let go of me."

He didn't. He just kept looking up at me. I looked back at him, then I pulled my arm away really hard. Since I was standing and he was sitting, and since it turns out I'm actually pretty strong even without my powers, I managed to get free of his grip.

"Come on," he said, as I stepped back. "I just want to have some fun with you."

"I WAS having fun with you," I said. "But this isn't fun for me."

Then I ran away, I didn't even want to be near him. I don't ever want to see him again, I feel so ... so hurt and dirty and betrayed, I thought he was nice, I thought he was good! He seemed really, I don't know, wholesome or something, like the kind of boy ... I don't know. I don't know anything, that's the big lesson I'm learning every day I'm out here in the real world, I don't know anything and anything I did know was wrong and I'm stupid and I'm blind and I was scared, I was really scared when he held on to my arm and I didn't think I could get away, I didn't know what he was going to do, and if the situation had been different then maybe I wouldn't have been able to get away, maybe he could've done something, maybe I wouldn't even be here safe in my room with the door very definitely barred writing this.

I want my family. I want C2. It's too late to call her, though. And I can't call my family.

This is the most alone I've ever felt.