Chaos (The Realmwalker Chronicles Book 1) (34 page)

With nothing left to say, I get up and leave Inner Silence. I shut the heavy door behind me, replace the wardings, and with renewed hope head to the solace of the library to try and sort through everything that just happened and what my next step should be.

Chapter 57

I’m cleaning the
last of the breakfast dishes when the sound of the front door opening and closing tightens the knot in my stomach. Ember and Crank left after breakfast to take Caesar to the dog beach, and judging from the loud bass reverberating from the upstairs music room, Lang’s buried in his element.

It will be just Sam and I, and he’ll want to know how my night went. I don’t think I’ll be able to lie to him again.

“Morning.” A smiling Sam drops his keys on the countertop and pulls me into a hug. I squirm and maneuver, trying not to get soapy water on his uniform, but he doesn’t seem to care.

“Morning.” I smile back and kiss his cheek, already having a hard time looking directly at him. “There’s leftovers in the fridge. Hashbrowns should still be crispy.”

“Mmmm. Sounds great, thanks.”

He eats and I fire off a string of questions about how his night went while I finish drying the dishes. By the time he swallows his last bite of toast, he’s beginning to look suspicious.

“Are you okay, Addy?” He studies me through narrowed lids. “You seem … agitated.”

I thought I had been doing an okay job at playing cool but Sam knows me too well. I drop down into the chair across from him and stare at my hands in front of me on the breakfast table, nervously picking at my fingernails.

Sam reaches across the table and places his warm, heavy hands on mine. “Should I be worried?”

I have to tell him. I don’t want to because I know he’ll be mad, but keeping things from him—lying to him—is worse.

“I lied to you, Sam,” I say quietly. I look up to see his reaction. He’s still watching me with ease, a casual smile on his face, unconcerned with what I’m about to say.

“Well, whatever it is, I’m sure you had a good reason. Tell me about it and we’ll work it out.” His voice is kind, which makes me feel so much worse. His confidence in me, his belief that I would never do anything to betray him, has frozen the words in my throat.

I take a few deep breathes.

“Sam, I went to Inner Silence last night.”

Confusion settles into his expression.

“Um … okay?”

“No, I went
into
Inner Silence last night. I spoke with Mikhail. I had to—”

Abruptly, Sam pulls his hands from mine. He sits back in his chair and looks at me sideways.

“But,” he shakes his head adamantly, “but you couldn’t have. The wardings … not without help anyway.”

“I didn’t need any help,” I say, looking down at my hands. I’m beginning to wish I could shrink. Just shrink smaller and smaller until I’m out of sight. “I did it on my own,” I whisper.

Sam stands up quickly, startling me.

“I know. I shouldn’t have lied to you. I’m sorry.” I insist fervently.

“What were you thinking?” he whispers. I’ve never seen Sam this way. I expected yelling. Anger. This quiet intensity is worse.

“I’m sorry I lied, Sam, but I’m not sorry I went.”

Inhaling deeply, he puts his hands on his head and turns his back to me.

“I asked you to let me see him. I told you over and over that we need him—that we can’t let him rot in there while we try and defeat this Elder Shade without him. Because we can’t. It’s not possible. I’m more certain of this than I’ve ever been of anything in my life. It’s HIM, Sam.”

I’m not sure he’s listening to me. His hands are on his hips and he’s staring at the floor, refusing to face me.

“I tried to do it the right way, but you wouldn’t believe me. You wouldn’t listen! I didn’t have any other choice.”

He doesn’t say anything.

“Say something, please.”

Finally, he turns to face me.
My
Sam is gone. Now I’m looking at Boss. There’s no trace of emotion on his face. He’s in full business mode.

“You should know, Adelaide,” he says, his voice remaining coldly neutral, “I will need to tell the other Walkers what you have done. You’ve broken laws. There’s a very real chance that you could receive punishment for this.”

“What?” I whisper in stunned disbelief. I hadn’t even considered this. “You mean, like,” I can hardly say it, “Inner Silence?”

He clenches his jaw.

“Why did you do this? I can’t understand WHY? What was the point?”

It takes my mind a second to shift from the possibility of being imprisoned to realizing he asked me a question.

“I had to talk to him. To ask him to kill the Elder Shade. To tell him about Angel, and Simone, and what we found out.”

My thoughts are swirling around in my head and coming out as a stream of jumbled words. This isn’t how this was supposed to go. I was going to tell him everything in a way he could understand. He’d be mad at first, but once I explained the situation, he’d forgive me. Like he always does. I never expected him to shut me out this way. I thought we were too close for that.

He walks back to the table and leans on his hands on the back of a chair. The muscles in his forearms bulge and his fingers strain as he clutches the chair tightly. He lowers his head and asks quietly, “Did he … did he touch you?”

“No! Not at all. He wasn’t—”

“I’ve heard all I need to know.” He turns and starts walking away.

“Wait, Sam!”

“I’m going to Chaos. You can expect a summons later to be formally questioned about your actions. There will be a vote after your hearing.”

“Sam please! Hear me out. There are things you need to know!” I plead with him, desperation creeping into my voice.

Before walking out of the kitchen, he turns back. I finally see the anger I’ve been expecting. “I suggest you don’t break any more of our laws in the meantime.”

Chapter 58

It’s three in
the morning. I’ve put off going to Chaos as long as I can. I’ve taken a shower, dried my hair, painted my nails, and finished a novel I’ve been reading. I’m out of ways to procrastinate. I’ve managed to avoid everyone all day, so I have no idea what it will be like in Chaos. Will everyone be there waiting for me? Will the trial start as soon as I get there? I don’t know how I’m going to face them.

I picture Ember’s reaction when she finds out I broke a law. Will she feel as betrayed as Sam? Will Mel? And Crank? I can’t bear the thought of losing their trust. Will anyone agree with what I did? Will anyone stand up for me? Or is their anger for Mikhail too strong?

I can’t hide here any longer. After all, I told Mikhail he should stop hiding from his problems—that he should be accountable. That’s what I need to do. I need to follow my own advice, go face my peers, and accept my punishment. It’s the only honorable thing left to do.

Taking one last, nervous breath, I close my eyes and sink through the darkness into Chaos.

When I open my eyes, I’m relieved to see I’m alone in my room. I half expected to find Ember, or perhaps another Walker, pacing the floor, waiting for me to wake up so they could demand an explanation.

Instead, the room’s quiet and dark, except for a small desk lamp I left on the night before. I dress in the dim light, listening for any voices in the hallway. When I hear nothing, curiosity gets the better of me and I use my abilities and reach out.

Intending to locate everyone and test their moods, I’m surprised to find only two other frequencies within Major Calm. Timothy, ever eager for an excuse to work with weapons, is in a practice room with Simone, trying to helping her master her chosen piece.

After testing out a wide variety of weapons from our armory, Simone surprised everyone by taking a strong liking to the spear. At first I thought it was a joke. How could a spear be a practical weapon against Shades? And then I saw her use it. She has a knack for it, and after a few days of demolishing practice targets, all questions of its legitimacy vanished.

Neither Simone nor Timothy is reading alarmed or upset. Could they truly not know? I push further out, leaving the Calm and entering Chaos. I find Ember and Crank currently in the midst of a tussle with a handful of Lesser Shades. Though their guard is up, their awareness heightened, they don’t feel overly concerned, and I’m confident they can handle the fight. I don’t get the sense that either of them is particularly distraught about anything.

Sam spent all of yesterday in Chaos. Didn’t he tell anyone? Breaking the rules is obviously a big deal to him. How had he not found the time to do something about it? I’m at a loss as to what should I do now.

Should I wait around and see what happens, or go ahead and tell everyone so they hear it from me? If I tell them myself, maybe I can get ahead of this. Then again, I don’t think I can stomach disappointing anyone else tonight. In the end, I decide to wait and let Sam handle it his way.

The only real thing I can do to help the others now is to keep up with my training so I’m ready when it’s time to face the Elder Shade. Anyway, the idea of beating a punching bag to pulp is enticing right now.

I make a point to say “hi” to Tim and Simone before finding a room of my own to practice in. I choose the practice room equipped with a row of hanging punching bags on the right and padded, body-shaped posts lining the left. This room, like all the others, has a media panel on the wall by the door. I select some upbeat music and slide the volume bar over until the sound is almost too much to stand.

Bouncing to the music, I go to work on the nearest heavy bag. I start with some easy shots, light punches to help warm up my muscles and joints. I’m gloveless, so I expect I’ll have some damaged knuckles to clean up throughout my workout.

I bounce and jab and circle and punch. The progress I’ve made with my combat skills pleases me. It’s strange to see myself now, to compare myself with the soft, weak, carefree girl I was a few months ago. If I hadn’t experienced this transformation firsthand, I wouldn’t have believed someone could grow so much in so little time. Of course, I did have the benefit of my “extra” abilities to aid in the process, so maybe it isn’t a fair assessment.

I push myself, throwing hard punches, focusing on speed and accuracy. My pulse quickens as my heartbeat thumps in my ears. Sweat pulls loose strands of hair from my ponytail and sticks them to my face and neck. My breathing comes faster and my face feels hot from the exertion. I resist the urge to heal my stressed body and instead try to enjoy the ache and burn in my muscles, the stitch in my lungs as they yearn for more oxygen.

The rhythmic blows become a dance. Right left. Right left. Hook. Cross. Left. Uppercut.

All the while I circle. Breathe through my nose. Move my feet. It’s hypnotic and I lose myself in the trance, surrender to the spell of it, letting go of all thoughts and concerns, becoming numb. I’m not sure how much time has passed when I’m grabbed suddenly from behind.

“Addy, stop.”

“Wha—?” I breathe out trying to get my bearings. I was pulled so abruptly from my workout that the quick shift of momentum throws me off balance. Stumbling, I nearly fall to the ground, but Sam catches me and holds me up.

“Stop! What are you doing?”

I look up at him, brows furrowing in confusion. Can’t he see I’m exercising?

“What do you mean?” I manage to say through gasping breaths.

He grabs my wrists and shoves my hands in front of my face. “Look at yourself!”

Now I see what he means. The flesh on my hands is in tatters. Blood seeps freely down my wrists and forearms. The swinging punching bag behind Sam is stained red on all sides and a small puddle is forming on the floor beneath it.

“Fix it,” he barks, clearly disturbed.

“Yeah, of course.” I pull my wrists free of him and turn away. I send the message to my body to heal the damage. It takes less than a minute. I wipe off as much blood as I can onto my sweats and turn back to face him. “See, no big deal.”

“No big deal?” he sounds incredulous. He breathes out through clenched teeth and looks down at the blood smeared on his hands.

“I just got too into it. I won’t do it again.” I indicate the mess I made of the equipment. “I should clean this up. It’ll only take a minute or two then I’ll head to the briefing room.”

“What? What’s in the briefing room?”

“The trial. Isn’t that why you’re here? My summons?”

“Oh … uh, no Addy,” he says, avoiding my eyes. He looks uneasy, maybe even a little embarrassed. “Listen, I’m not going to report what happened.”

“You’re not?” This revelation startles me. I take a step, bringing me closer to him. Has he forgiven me? When he doesn’t move away, I reach for his hand. As I lace my fingers through his, he finally meets my gaze.

He shakes his head, almost imperceptibly.

“Why not?”

“Everyone’s stressed out as it is. I’ve been struggling to keep their spirits up and hashing this out right now would be really bad for everyone. It would pull us apart. We need unity right now more than ever.”

Nothing he’s said hints at forgiveness. Then I realize he isn’t canceling the hearing, only postponing it. But he’s holding my hand, so …

“Are we …” I feel my eyes begin to burn. “Are we still …”

He pulls me into an embrace, and I push my face into his chest as my composure breaks.

“I don’t know what we are, Addy,” he mumbles. “I only know that the last twenty-four hours have been torture.”

“I’m so sorry, Sam. Hurting you, it was never something I wanted.”

“I know that. I do.” He squeezes the back of my neck. “But I’m having a hard time with
myself
. I don’t believe in what you’re doing. I don’t agree with it. I can’t support it in any way. But I need you. I don’t want to be without you. Ever.”

“I was so worried I’d lost you. I thought I’d messed up so bad you’d never forgive me.”

“YOU were worried? Imagine how I felt when you told me you were in a locked room with Mikhail. ALONE.”

“I know. I feel awful. It’s just … I wish you could project yourself into other people’s minds the way I can. Then you’d know what I know. If you could feel how certain I am about this, you’d understand why I had to do it.”

He leans back to look at me. “I understand you felt compelled—perhaps so much you couldn’t resist. And I feel bad I didn’t have your back. I admit I didn’t even want to understand. I hear the name ‘Mikhail’ and my defenses automatically go up. If I’d known you were
that
determined, I’d have helped you find another way.”

“Really?”

He nods and runs his thumb across my cheek.

“I shouldn’t have put you in a position like that, where you felt you had no other option but to lie to me. We’re a team, Addy. We need to work together, not against each other.”

I ease up onto my toes to reach his mouth. He kisses me back and his passion, his intensity, equals mine.

“Addy,” he whispers between kisses, “Addy, I love you.”

I whisper back, “I love you too, Sam.” I clasp his face in my hands. “I love you.”